used2saynvr Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 Just want to get people's take on this. Though its still too early to know if I am pregnant, I've already started "preparing" for the possibility in my mind. Today, I was thinking that if I am pregnant, that I would give my child my last name. A name that they can feel a connection with. My family name. OW with Children out there, please tell me how you've handled this issue, and how your children feel either 1.) having a name other than their father's, or 2.) having the last name of a father who does not love, care for, live with, and/or support them. Also, should I even tell the MM at all? I'm starting to think Not. Men, I'd like you to chime in on this as well. Would you want to know if you were the MM? Thanks
Lookingforward Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 Women who 'prepare' are usually hoping they ARE. Why not wait until you know for sure ? You have plenty of time to decide that further down the line if necessary.
Lizzie60 Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 Women who 'prepare' are usually hoping they ARE. Why not wait until you know for sure ? You have plenty of time to decide that further down the line if necessary. Completely agree with LF..
Author used2saynvr Posted April 7, 2008 Author Posted April 7, 2008 Women who 'prepare' are usually hoping they ARE. Why not wait until you know for sure ? You have plenty of time to decide that further down the line if necessary. actually, i'm hoping i'm not. Praying, even. Not by him, anyway. Not like this. But you're right about waiting until I know for sure. I just wish I could tell my brain that.
mistresswchildren Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 NO, DO NOT GIVE THEM HIS NAME! Think about it, are you going to stay with this guy? I'm pretty sure we discussed that you aren't. If that is the case, for a number of reasons, the child should have your last name. 1. Legalities- school stuff, parental consent (causes less confusion...and no its not that hard, but you would not believe the questions people come up with) 2. Confusion-Mommy has a different name (this would be easier if the kid were older, but from newborn...) 3. Adoption-this child may end up being adopted by a wonderful person later in life. why stigmatize the child with his/her father's last name I personally take a lot of pride in my last name, so it was an easy choice for me. Not to mention that their father is scum, so why would I relate them with anything that low? Just don't do it. It is up to you, but my suggestion is NO.
Author used2saynvr Posted April 7, 2008 Author Posted April 7, 2008 NO, DO NOT GIVE THEM HIS NAME! Think about it ... I think you're on to something. These were some of the concerns I was imagining. I think you're right. Less confusion. Less stigma. Positive identification. I think this would be best. What do you think about me not telling MM at all if I am?
mistresswchildren Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 I think you're on to something. These were some of the concerns I was imagining. I think you're right. Less confusion. Less stigma. Positive identification. I think this would be best. What do you think about me not telling MM at all if I am? Not sure. That is up to you. Just don't expect child support or any of that. I simply feel that if you inform him from the beginning and give him "fair warning" then you can ask for it, but after that I personally think that isn't right. This is seriously just an opinion thing for me. I do not know where it comes from. I just think that if you are going to bring a child into this world, at least allow the guy to screw it up and say f*** off, then take him to court later. Who knows, in this one respect this guy could be a good person. You will never know until you tell him. Just some advice, give yourself a few months to get over him first. This way you won't fall into old patterns. It would be really easy to connect back with him when you are expecting a child together, but don't let it.
Author used2saynvr Posted April 7, 2008 Author Posted April 7, 2008 Not sure. That is up to you. Just don't expect child support or any of that.... Just some advice, give yourself a few months to get over him first. This way you won't fall into old patterns. It would be really easy to connect back with him when you are expecting a child together, but don't let it. Totally agree. If I were to decide to go it alone, that would mean financially as well. Though it will be hard, I am confident that I can do this. My child will lack for no necessity that money can provide. I'm just thinking that this situation is so stressful in itself. Adding MM and his wife, and his kids, and his family, and his in-laws and everyone else is just adding to the stress. Who needs it? I'd rather just slip off into my own little world and raise the child with my family. Good advice on the giving myself time. But I'm over him. It's surprising how much clarity a possible crisis can bring. I am starting to see the situation in such a different light than when he and I began this.
Enema Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 actually, i'm hoping i'm not. Praying, even. Not by him, anyway. Not like this. I know a more effective method than prayer of making sure you're not
whichwayisup Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 I really hope you aren't building this up, if you aren't pregnant you might be crushed, not relieved... Anyway, IF you are pregnant, you give your baby YOUR lastname. This pregnancy isn't about "family" and the MM isn't your husband, nor your family so there's no need to have his lastname used.
mistresswchildren Posted April 8, 2008 Posted April 8, 2008 Good advice on the giving myself time. But I'm over him. It's surprising how much clarity a possible crisis can bring. I am starting to see the situation in such a different light than when he and I began this. You may be a different case, but you wouldn't believe how NOT over him you are when he starts telling you that he wants to be with you and the baby just to avoid you telling his wife. Trust me, once a liar, typically, always a liar. He will spin your world around. But, I do agree that the more you build this up the more likely it will be that you will be crushed. I got pregnant because it is in the water or something in my family (contraception was used). I have realized that a lot of people would look at that as luck. There are a lot of people in this world that don't get pregnant after trying for a loooooooooong time. Seriously, you could be worrying about nothing.
corazoncito Posted April 8, 2008 Posted April 8, 2008 Mistresswchildren is right. Don't start worrying about which last name until you actually know you are pregnant. And don't talk to your MM about it either. One thing at a time. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for some time now and it's definitely not as easy as we thought. I have many other friends in the same boat. When both people have nothing wrong with their reproductive organs or hormone levels AND they time it perfectly, the odds of getting pregnant in one given cycle are less than 20%. So you're over 80% likely to not be pregnant.
MoonlightLover Posted April 8, 2008 Posted April 8, 2008 If you are........................ I'd say your last name, if i hadn't have miscarried...my baby would have been given my last name. The only time i'd give my child the fathers last name is if i were married to him. The majority of men are unpredictable and it is easier for them to leave a woman pregnant with their child or raising their child or children. Wheras personally as a woman who bonded with her child from the first stages of pregnancy i'd never EVER leave my child to be raised by someone else. Oh wow, my blood is about 5 seconds from reaching boiling point lol touchy subject!
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