Should I Wait?

[stoneymirror]

Well it's been a little over 2 weeks since my gf and I broke up. We were together for just over a year, and she ended it saying she couldn't fight with me anymore. I guess the pressure was too much for her. She wasn't able to move on after the arguments and I guess she kept dwelling on the thoughts. Things would explode between us and we are both head stong people, so neither one of us would ever budge. This eventually would lead to bigger arguments about us arguing. The issues we had were based on our own insecurities, and somehow it got the best of us. Nonetheless, I'm in my late 20's and she's 5 yrs younger than me, and I'm thinking maybe she just didn't want to commit. I don't know. Too many questions, and too little information for me to understand what was really going on with her. She told me she loved me and there wouldn't be anyone else, but at the same time she was ending it. So to say the least I was very confused. So I left it alone. I haven't tried contacting her at all in these two weeks or so. She did text me last week about something irrelivent to our relationship, regardless, I'm leaving the ball in her court. I really can't justify calling her and making ammends because it wasn't my decision to end things.

 

So now we're here in the present, and I want some advice in moving forward. Since I don't feel like I can do anything to change my past relationship I have to move on. If my ex calls me, then so be it, if she doesn't then it wasn't ever meant to be. Either way I have to move on and I want to know what you guys think about me asking someone out.

 

I've known a girl for about a yr or so that I've had very little communication with. Just hi, bye, how you doing, and a little chit chat here and there. Since I was with my gf at the time, I never thought about asking her out. That's probably why I kept the conversations to a minimum. Nonetheless now I'm thinking I should ask her out. I want to move on and get on with my life. Thinking about the past is too draining for me and I get too depressed thinking about it. Is this a good idea? Should I wait a couple more weeks before I make any dates? I think it might help me move on with my life, but at the same time I don't want to rush into a new relationship. Any help would be appreciated.

 

thanks

Edited April 7, 2008 by stoneymirror

[carhill]

What did you and your GF argue about the most?

 

Do you have any emotional attachment with your GF?

 

What have you learned from your relationship with her and the breakup?

 

These are all questions I'd ask myself before considering dating someone else, especially if she were someone I've known for awhile and admire. The risk of a rebound (and the subsequent loss of someone who might be compatible) is high, IMO.

 

Personally, I'd take this time and work on myself.

[stoneymirror]

We argued the most about our own insecurities. I'd be jealous, or she'd be jealous over something that really wasn't there. We were head over heals in love with each other, and the smallest indication of another girl or guy in the mix sent us through a loop. Unfortunately due to our personality the arguments would lead to one night breakups. We'd get so frustrated with arguing that we'd both resist, and one of us would say it's over out of frustration. Unfortunately I began this trend of ending our relationship over a huge fight, but would later take it back, usually the next day. Eventually over time this role would be reversed and she'd break it off with me, and I'd be the one asking for her to come back. Unfortunately with our last argument she said she wanted to end it. Then the next day we made up. Two weeks pass and she tells me she can't do it anymore. This time I haven't gone running after her asking for her to reconsider. I figure if she really does want to be with me she'll call me.

 

Yes I did have an emotional attachment to my ex gf, I considered her my best friend.

 

The things I've learned in this relationship is to be confident with the one you're with. You either need to trust that person completely or forget about the relationship. There's no in between. There's a million things you can question about a relationship, but you have to remain confident that the person you're with is with you for all the right reasons and they're trying just as hard to make things work. There's always going to be other guys out there hitting on your girl. You just have to let it roll off your back and not think it's a personal attack on my manhood. I've also learned that I need to relax a little about day to day things, and not get frustrated over the little things. And lastly I've learned you can't control every situation. You just need to let things go sometimes. If you love someone you should show it by being understanding about the other persons feelings and emotions and give them what they need to be happy.

[crazyk84]

you need to work on recovering from your last relationship before moving on... if you and this new girl have any future you need to be 100% over the ex as most people arnt stupid and will see you dating so soon as a rebound! you have all the time in the world to start dating again. you say if the ex doesnt call then it wasnt ment to be?...does that mean if she does call you would get back with her?!

Take some time out to work out what you want before jumping in head first, you could be ruining any chances with the new girl if your not ready!

[carhill]

Yes I did have an emotional attachment to my ex gf, I considered her my best friend.

 

What is the current status of this?

[stoneymirror]

Thanks for the advice guys I really appreciate it. These are tough times and it's always nice having an outlet to share my thoughts and feelings in hopes of better understanding this crazy world.

 

Unfortunately its a Catch 22 cause I need to get over the ex so I can fully commit to a new relationship, but at the same time getting over the past relationship is hard without moving on, and part of that moving on is meeting and hanging out with new women. but you're right I should probably give it a couple of weeks. At that time I'll have a little more confidence about what I want. Plus I'll probably be in a better mood by then.

 

And if she did call, then maybe I'd get back with her. I don't know. That's too tough of a question to answer. It would play heavily on what we discussed.

[stoneymirror]

Current status of our relationship is nill, nothing. We haven't hung out with each other for over 2 weeks. The relationship is now non-existent. No phone calls nothing. I have plenty of other friends in my life but at the time I considered her my bestfriend. Now I can't say that

[carhill]

So, no emotional attachment? I'm asking because you seem to indicate that if she called and expressed interest in "getting back together", you might do that. To me, that indicates an emotional attachment. Otherwise, you'd appear more reluctant, and perhaps more interested in new opportunities.

 

I'd say, if you wish to "move on", meeting and dating women you don't know otherwise might be a good interim measure. I'd avoid any female acquaintances for whom you might have latent interest or with whom you might be compatible, at least until you're "over" your former GF.

[stoneymirror]

Carhill, thanks for the advice. You're right on. And going back to an "emotional attachment" Yes we definately had an emotional attachment. We were very emotional throughout the whole relationship. Maybe too emotional. Like I said we were both jealous at times.

 

At this point I'm torn. I don't know if I would take her back if she wanted to. I just don't know. It depends on so many variables. We'd have to make a comitment to one another and fully trust what the other person's saying. At the end when she ended things, I didn't feel like she believed me. She saw one thing and I saw it differently. I tried and tried telling her how much I loved her, but she couldn't get over some of my actions. Which she interpreted as an attack on her. Which I never meant in any shape way or form. But she sees things differently. this is the sort of thing that lead to our demise. I don't think she felt confident about me and the relationship anymore. She saw my actions as an attack on her, but my actions, or let me say my reactions to our fights put me in some very jeopordizing situations. I never cheated on her, or anything like that. but I'd have remove myself from the situation and she would take that as rejection. Unfortunately as much as I did love her I couldn't get it through to her in the end. she was too focused on the arguments to ever let go... so after many failed attempts, I've given up.

Edited April 7, 2008 by stoneymirror

[stoneymirror]

I think this sums it up for anyone out there waiting for someone to come around.

 

“I loved him. He needed time to think and that was ok- he was worth waiting for... and waiting for... and waiting for. Finally I realized I had waited away my life for an answer he had already given me: Had he loved me back, I would not have had to wait.” --Anon.

 

Basically its saying don't hesitate move on with your pathetic life or you'll be sorry. Ha!

[carhill]

If you can clearly delineate had from have regarding your emotional attachment, that IMO will help you clarify your perspective.

 

As an example, if you still have an emotional attachment to your GF (X), is it really fair to a lady you might ask out on a date to be sharing her valuable time with if your X is still on your mind? I think you know what I mean. It's like you're doing activities and talking with your date (like on cruise control) but your focus is still on your X and , if she were to walk into the room, your attention would immediately be drawn to her. That's what I mean by emotional attachment. Be honest with yourself.

 

Regarding the breakup, really all that matters is your respective perceptions. You will never make her think or feel like you do, about anything. Her perception will always be different, and that's valid. She apparently ascribed more importance to certain issues, and those issues were the impetus for her to split with you. Your perspective is different, and that's also valid. The key is respecting her perspective, even if not in agreement with yours. Therapy has been very, very good to me

 

Anyway, take it one day at a time and work on you. Social stuff will come in due time.

[stoneymirror]

Carhill, Thanks again for the wise knowledge. In a perfect world we could appreciate both perspectives, all the time. Unfortunately in the heat of an argument, or when a situation arrises where emotions and feelings are hurt, you forget to put yourself in their shoes. You're constantly defending your point and things become polarized. you just end up pushing each other away.

 

But I think you nailed a huge issue we had in our relationship. We had a tough time seeing things from each others perspective, and she told me this was one of those things she didn't see getting any better and a main reason to end things. This was ultimately her reason to stop the relationship.

 

Going forward, I realize that in any relationship you're going to have some major emotions. Especially if you're spending almost every waking moment with each other, like i did in my last relationship. These emotions and feelings can easily be hurt. If the individual being hurting can display their emotions in a respectable way to their partner, he or she should respect those feelings and comfort them as much as possible. At the same time the individual being afflicted with emotional distress needs to trust their partner that they're looking out for their best interests. All this needs to be done before anyone starts pointing fingers, or getting jealous over something stupid. I've learned a lot here, and I know I wasn't the best and letting my guard down, or seeing things from her perspective. At the same time I think she was struggling to see things from my perspective. this is something i need to work on. There's really no way you can point the finger at either one of us, I figure its really based on circumstance. Nonetheless, I want to work on being more supportive and less emotional...Thanks for helping me grow...

Edited April 8, 2008 by stoneymirror