once_golden Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 brief refresher: i had an affair 2 years ago. i voluntarily ended it by telling my husband. i have not gone back to the other man - there has been no re-establishment of a relationship between us. i have spent the last 2 years trying to make it up to my husband and be the person he (and i) thought i was. after 2 years, it all still feels very fresh and painful. i have to go to school every day - where the OM is a professor. so i run into him at school sporadically.this has been hard for my husband. i feel like it has kept us from healing. i don't think we should be healed yet -but some days are so hard that i almost can't face myself and what i did. here's my question. i love my husband. i don't want ANYONE else. ever. period. i don't want to separate or divorce. however, lately we have been very, very distant. last night we had a long talk. during this talk, he told me that though he loves me and always will, sometimes it's too hard being married to me. i am starting my job in july - 2 hours away from where we currently live. we discussed separating then - him staying here, me going there. i love him - and i DO NOT want this. but i think i don't want it because i'm afraid he will realize that - after 11 years together - he doesn't need me. i know that's selfish. so my question is- should we separate for a little while? would it be good for our marriage or be a disaster? has anyone here tried it -and what was the end result? to be clear: i have no interest in dating or being with other men. this separation would be for him - to allow him to be alone, independent, and somewhat clear-headed.
carhill Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 Will the new job take you out of contact with the OM?
whichwayisup Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 Did you two ever seek marriage counselling because of your affair? Did you do counselling on your own too? If you love your husband and want your marriage to work, then you both have to work on it and not let fears and bad days get in the way. Moving away 2 hours isn't going to help your marriage, UNLESS you both decide together that the separation is NOT going to lead to divorce, it's to use that time to think how to make it better.
whichwayisup Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 after 2 years, it all still feels very fresh and painful. i have to go to school every day - where the OM is a professor. so i run into him at school sporadically.this has been hard for my husband. i feel like it has kept us from healing. i don't think we should be healed yet -but some days are so hard that i almost can't face myself and what i did. You still saw the OM, you weren't in total NC so yes, neither of you have healed properly so it should be expected that you two are going to have rough days and he have some hurt feelings.
Woggle Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 I hate to sound harsh but what reason should he stay with you? From all accounts you say he is a great guy so why did you feel the need to go and betray him over some slick talking professor? Even if he stays with you that trust that he once had is now crushed and he will never fully get it back. If you two do seperate he might miss you and decide to give you another chance or he might decide to cut his losses and leave but that is what cheating does to a marriage.
Author once_golden Posted April 7, 2008 Author Posted April 7, 2008 woggle: not harsh - a realistic question. one reason is that we've been together 11 years. we are so deeply entwined in one another's families - that to divorce would be to crush them both. as my husband said - it would be like his parents lost a daughter, his siblings a sister. and it's the same for my family. and despite making a horrible mistake, i do love him. and i do want him to be happy ultimately - which is why - despite how much it scares me - i am willing to try separating - if he thinks it will be helpful. i know how selfish and wrong what i did was - how utterly destructive. it has destroyed my self-esteem. it destroyed my husband's self-esteem. it took what should have a grueling but ultimately rewarding 4 years in med school and turned it into something that i will always look back on with regret - never with nostalgia. i will never like nor respect myself again. and perhaps i do deserve to lose my wonderful husband, but we all make mistakes. and if he's willing to forgive me - i'm willing to make it up to him every day - as much as i can. WWIU: we have not pursued counseling - although we are talking about doing it. we've had so many bad days lately, it seems like we need to try something new. although - i have to work 90 hours a week to finish medical school right now (30 days left) and there aren't many 24 hour therapists. i do see the OM occasionally when we run into each other at school. i do think that has a lot to do with the bad days. that and i'm constantly sleep-deprived and stressed and depressed and just ready to finish medical school already. i DO NOT have an amicable relationship with the OM. carhill: yes - this new job will take me out of contact with the OM. i am looking forward to that more than you can know. i WANT to get away from school. i can't wait for may 7th.
Woggle Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 If you truly are remourseful and he agress to forgive then I wish you well but just realize it will not be an easy road gaining back his trust but if you do love him like you say you do you will put in that effort.
carhill Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 carhill: yes - this new job will take me out of contact with the OM. i am looking forward to that more than you can know. i WANT to get away from school. i can't wait for may 7th. Good. One day at a time. Once contact has ended, continue NC voluntarily and then work through letting go of the emotional bond with OM. Once away from school find time (make time) for counseling. I would find a way not to separate physically from H if at all possible. MC, IMO, would be preferable. Think of it as your two year plan It sounds like you have a great network with all the family support, so you have a lot to work for and lean on for help. I wish you well.
45Reverse Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 brief refresher: i had an affair 2 years ago. i voluntarily ended it by telling my husband. i have not gone back to the other man - there has been no re-establishment of a relationship between us. i have spent the last 2 years trying to make it up to my husband and be the person he (and i) thought i was. after 2 years, it all still feels very fresh and painful. i have to go to school every day - where the OM is a professor. so i run into him at school sporadically.this has been hard for my husband. i feel like it has kept us from healing. i don't think we should be healed yet -but some days are so hard that i almost can't face myself and what i did. here's my question. i love my husband. i don't want ANYONE else. ever. period. i don't want to separate or divorce. however, lately we have been very, very distant. last night we had a long talk. during this talk, he told me that though he loves me and always will, sometimes it's too hard being married to me. i am starting my job in july - 2 hours away from where we currently live. we discussed separating then - him staying here, me going there. i love him - and i DO NOT want this. but i think i don't want it because i'm afraid he will realize that - after 11 years together - he doesn't need me. i know that's selfish. so my question is- should we separate for a little while? would it be good for our marriage or be a disaster? has anyone here tried it -and what was the end result? to be clear: i have no interest in dating or being with other men. this separation would be for him - to allow him to be alone, independent, and somewhat clear-headed. I've been in your husband's shoes, except my EX (yup, I divorced her) was messing around for years. I'll give my take on your situation: Saddly, your hubby will never forget the whole mess. He'll eventually forgive (if he hasn't already) but the 'forgetting' is the tough part. You never know what will cause it all to flood back into his mind...Could be a simple mention of something at school...Could be the sight of a hospital...Could be something as seemingly innocouse as the stethoscope around your neck. You just never know...That's what makes getting past an affair so tough IMHO. Sounds like you really do want to fix this and I applaud you for your efforts. However- Moving away from him won't fix it. MC might help, but seperating won't. In the end his mind will play more tricks on him with you gone than with you there by his side. The "tricks" his mind are playing on him are what you are really fighting against here. Finishing Med school will bring a whole new gambit of concerns for him. While being finished and away from the school will certainly make it a little better regarding his concerns over the OM, it won't solve the problem either. Nope...the problem is much, much more complicated than that. You see, your husband is going to eventually have to contend with the thought of you working long shifts with people like Doctors and such...Environments like that can be really tempting to a woman (or man as the case may be). Power and money are two of the strongest attractors known to man...And you'll be surounded by folks like that in your profession. It won't matter if hooking up with those people is the farthest thing from your mind...It will ALWAYS be in the back of his mind. Ain't breaking trust a bitch? One's things for sure, if you seperate his mind will play even more tricks on him. I wish you the best of luck. If for some reason your relationship fails I hope you're able to avoid similar situations in the future.
Cobra_X30 Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 here's my question. i love my husband. i don't want ANYONE else. ever. period. i don't want to separate or divorce. however, lately we have been very, very distant. last night we had a long talk. during this talk, he told me that though he loves me and always will, sometimes it's too hard being married to me. to be clear: i have no interest in dating or being with other men. this separation would be for him - to allow him to be alone, independent, and somewhat clear-headed. I'm sorry your having a rough time of it lately. There is an old saying about letting something you love go... and then waiting for it to come back to you. Here is another relevant one. Absence can make the heart grow fonder! ... Or was that "go wander"? Shoot, I can't seem to recall popular wisdom today. Anyway... at some point your going to have to just let him go and see what he does. Throw the ball in his court and see what happens. If he wants a separation... maybe he needs it to discover how much he does need you. Either way... just don't get crushed under the weight of all that guilt. Your attitude is good, and your heart is in your marriage. Let time do the rest.
Mansbestfriend Posted April 8, 2008 Posted April 8, 2008 Hi there I hear what you are saying. Its a hard decision. I am also a v sorry XOW and intend to spend all my days making it up to my H. I have also had to see my XOM every day since it all blew up as he is a neighbour (we move in 6 days....). Its far too hard to heal if you have to see them. And for the poor partner. What others have said is true. Once you are working as a Dr, your H is going to have to make the decision as to whether or not to trust you again. Hard call. I think seperation will NOT help the M. But i also understand your need to do what is best for him. I would feel the same. I think MC is a good idea if you haven't done it. Get it all out, all the last lingering regrets, and pain and hurt. Give that one last shot before you may decide to part. Then both move 2 hours away from where you live. Even just being in another area makes a HUGE difference. Trust me. Not so many reminders. I can't even look at the view outside my house without it reminding me of good/bad/sad times. A clean, fresh start is what you need. If that doesn't work, combined with MC, then maybe too much damage has been done? But remember, you made a mistake, u are doing your best. The other thing I read about in a book is As in general. They don't always have to be with someone. For instance, this book says anything that takes YOU away mentally and physically from your partner is an Affair. I started a business last year, it consumed me. I now look back at the state of my M, how I got to the A, and saw that really I had had TWO As. One with my business and the other with OM. That's pretty rough on my poor H. I am making huge changes to make sure both are gone from my life. Good luck!!!!!!
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