Laurenwho Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 From reading, it seems most of the posters are the one who were left so maybe I won't be welcome here. I am the potential dumper. I"ve been with my guy for the last six years and we live together for the last five. I do love him very much but basically its a bad relationship as I feel very neglected. At times I feel no emotional connection to him. He works two jobs and basically I'm an afterthought to him. He doesnt' have any time for me and I put up with it for so long hoping it would eventually go back to how it was in the early years we were dating (he had more free time and spent it all with me) Ive talked to him about this issue till I'm blue in the face and he will make empty promises or will spend more time with me for a week or so and then back to his old ways. so I need to end this so I can move on and find someone who does have time for me. So lately I've been pulling away from him. Yesterday was his birthday and I tried to make it as nice as possible. I kept thinking "this is the last birthday I'll celebrate with him" and I just kept crying. (he didn't see this) I keep thinking "this is the last time we'll do this" about practically everything that we do. I am crying just typing this and it is driving me crazy. Because I'm being treated badly so it should be easy to leave. But he's been a HUGe part of my life for the last six years and his home is OUR home and to leave all that is just hard. I keep telling myself that I've been the "dumper" before- I left another relationship that lasted five years, but I left him to be with someone else. So I had something "better" to go to. The guy I left was at one time a best friend and I loved him more than anyone before him. To this day we are friends. It was very hard to get over him and to get over the guilt of leaving him. I've also been the one who was left and that hurts worse than anything and I don't wish it on anyone. I dont 'want to hurt my current guy. he doesn't deserve it (although he's done many things that have hurt me). Sometimes I think about what it woudl be like to know he was with someone new and that hurts because I think he'd treat her better than me and I'd feel like I never meant anything to him. And other times, I look at him and think he has nothing to offer anyone and I feel bad that if I left him, he would be very lonely and alone for a long time. And I feel bad because he is in his mid thirties and wanted to have a family by now and he invested 6 yrs of his life with me and I've wasted that if I leave him. So I'm on the fence right now. part of me wants to leave him because I feel neglected and i dont' see it getting any better. But part of me still loves him and cares very deeply about him. So to any who have left someone did you struggle with the decision? The fact that I cry at just the thought of "this is last time..." does that mean I still love him and want to work things out?
Prosecco Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 (edited) I think most of us can see both sides. However much I love my ex - I couldn't be with him if he didn't want to be with me. For a start, I'd feel cruel - and know it would be doomed to fail eventually. But - have you actually spoken to your boyfriend about this. As in - seriously, when you are both calm, raised the issues and things that are bothering you? And not just 'till you are blue in the face' - but explaining that you are seeing this as the end of the relationship, and something needs to change. Ask him if there is anything you could do to match any changes he made. Point out that every time you've talked, changes have been temporary. Maybe suggest couples therapy. Maybe give the relationship a deadline... Also - why does he work two jobs? Is it a financial need? Is there any way you could help meet this need, so that you can have more time together? Basically - any relationship has its hard times eventually, that both parties need to work at to get through. Are you willing to work on it? Is he? Edited April 7, 2008 by Prosecco
Author Laurenwho Posted April 7, 2008 Author Posted April 7, 2008 I am willing to work on it but I feel like I am the one doing the work. I used to think he was willing to work on it too- we've been to counseling together a few years ago. He proposed to me over a year ago- but you notice I still don't refer to him as my "fiance" because yes, I have a ring and I accepted but we dont' talk about getting married. I think he gave me the ring to shut me up because for YEARS I've wanted to get engaged. His proposal to me was "here you go" and I was sitting on the couch and he threw the ring box into my lap." He works two jobs because he WANTS to. Not out of any financial need. I mean he likes the extra money and all but we make enough to be fine without both of his jobs. He loves his part time job and thats why he keeps it. He knows it interferes with "us" but he choses the part time job over me. he uses the excuse that we need the money but thats just not true. I have tried to do "me" things- go out with friends, I even spend time without him on the day he does have off. I spend nights away from home some weekends ( go to visit family) but all of that doesn't fix the loneliness I feel it just covers it up. I wonder why when someone leaves us or when in my case, when I'm about to leave someone all you can think about is the good times you've had and how much it hurts to miss them. Our relationship was wonderful for the first two years or so. he spent plenty of time with me (still worked both jobs even!) but I was important to him back then and he took time off work or arranged his priorities so that he could fit me in. I did give him a deadline of sorts. I asked him to make more time for me because our relationnship is suffering. He said that it would take time for him to be able to make more time for me. HE suggested quitting his part time job. I said I would be ok if he just cut back and gave me an extra day a week or something. But he assured me he is going to QUIT the job entirely (and I feel he is saying this just to put more negativity toward me as I am "making" him give up something he loves. I told him in Jan. that I would give him until May to make these changes and he agreed to this. Because of the past I am almost positive he will NOT follow thru. WHen the may deadline approaches there will be excuses or I will be told I didn't specify a certain date. Also he has obsessed over getting this certification at his part time job. He already took the test for it a few years ago but when they went to look up his # in the computer there was no record of him taking this test. I know he took it as does he- it was just a computer error. So he has to have this investigation completed etc. It involves time and money. Supposedly he's leaving this job by the end of this month but if he had actual plans to do so, he wouldn't be concerned about this certification as there is no where he can use it if he's not working there. So basically I already know (90% unless he shocks the hell out of me) that he's not going to follow thru. I'm just so afraid I'm making a mistake by leaving him because I feel so upset about not being with him. The last guy I left- I still talk to him to this day. We dated for five years, were engaged to be married, lived together for about a year etc. I have NO regrets over leaving him. Yes, he is a good guy (in some ways) but I am totally happy that I left him. I would not get back together with him now. So no regrets over that.
Prosecco Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 Have you quietly reminded him of the deadline? But... it sounds like you might have to break with him to make him realise you're serious... But wait for other opinions, I know very little...
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