Author Lishy Posted April 7, 2008 Author Posted April 7, 2008 Thank you everyone, for your replies I would agree it sounds like he is jealous/insecure BUT in no other way does he act insecure of me - I have NEVER given him reason to doubt me but He has witnessed men acting like they fancy me (that sounds big headed and I dont mean it that way) and his friends have told him he is lucky to be with me. Maybe these things have made him insecure? I swear I have done nothing to make him feel this way. I know I have no choice but to let him call me as he needs to know there are repucussions to his actions. This is not the first time he has acted up when I go out, in fact I cannot remember a time that he hasnt done something to show off when I go out. We have fallen out a few times because of it. The problem is that he wont admit that he has a problem with me going out, whatever his reasons (which must stem from some sort of insecurity) I wish he would tell me so we could talk about it, but talking to him about this will be like getting blood from a stone! ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH
TheFonz Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 Oh, and Lishy, you should not feel guilty for the occassional night out with girlfriends. It's normal and part of a healthy, full, well-rounded life. So, don't let him guilt-trip you into feeling bad. It's his insecurity and he is the one that has to deal with it. Lishy you are getting bad advice IMO. If you want him to stop doing this you need to either stop going out without him or if you won't to still do it, you need to do whatever it takes to make him feel secure enough so he doesn't do this when you go out. Telling him he needs to just take it and like it is akin to telling him if you were to cheat he has to take it and like it.
TheFonz Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 If you have a boyfriend, why do you need to go out with the girls? I can see if you go out to dinner or something but going out to a club or whatever means you're going to dress provocatively and get off on the attention you get from the guys there. Exactly why does she have to go to a meat market unless it's to get attention and have the opportunity to hook up thrown in her face all night?
dreamergrl Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 Telling him he needs to just take it and like it is akin to telling him if you were to cheat he has to take it and like it. Way way way different. I see nothing wrong with girls going out for a few drinks and having some fun as long as she isn't hooking up with other guys. Now what if you had a gf, and she demanded you only go out with her? Would that be acceptable??
TheFonz Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 Way way way different. I see nothing wrong with girls going out for a few drinks and having some fun as long as she isn't hooking up with other guys. I don't personally either but we're not him. Now what if you had a gf, and she demanded you only go out with her? Would that be acceptable?? Well in my case it probably would be acceptable, since I can get a*s like a girl does in a club . But I wouldn't accept her not allowing me to go out without her even if I didn't allow her to go out without me. The reason is because it's still easier for a girl to get more attention and offers thrown in her face, plus girl friends are notoriously bad about putting ideas into her head. This isn't the case when I go out. There's a difference and a justification for the "double standard".
Author Lishy Posted April 8, 2008 Author Posted April 8, 2008 I don't personally either but we're not him. Well in my case it probably would be acceptable, since I can get a*s like a girl does in a club . But I wouldn't accept her not allowing me to go out without her even if I didn't allow her to go out without me. The reason is because it's still easier for a girl to get more attention and offers thrown in her face, plus girl friends are notoriously bad about putting ideas into her head. This isn't the case when I go out. There's a difference and a justification for the "double standard". You dont seem to get it hon If he thinks I am going to go out and mess around with guys then I am flabergasted as I have never done a thing to make him think this! The point is that he should trust me and if he doesnt he should talk to me and not punish me with silence!
TheFonz Posted April 8, 2008 Posted April 8, 2008 You dont seem to get it hon If he thinks I am going to go out and mess around with guys then I am flabergasted as I have never done a thing to make him think this! The point is that he should trust me and if he doesnt he should talk to me and not punish me with silence! It's not just about trust, it's about jealousy and other insecurities. He can't very well say he has insecurities because that's not going to make you feel attracted to him and stop going out.
carhill Posted April 8, 2008 Posted April 8, 2008 Lishy, just keep doing what you're doing and being straightforward and non-dramatic about it. It's his problem, not yours. Eventually, your intrinsic trustworthiness will prevail, or his insecurities will destroy him and the relationship. Enjoy the girls!
dreamergrl Posted April 8, 2008 Posted April 8, 2008 I don't personally either but we're not him. Well in my case it probably would be acceptable, since I can get a*s like a girl does in a club . But I wouldn't accept her not allowing me to go out without her even if I didn't allow her to go out without me. The reason is because it's still easier for a girl to get more attention and offers thrown in her face, plus girl friends are notoriously bad about putting ideas into her head. This isn't the case when I go out. There's a difference and a justification for the "double standard". Oh comon there are male friends that are bad influences too. I remember the thread about the girl who's bf had a bunch of single friends who wanted him to go to a strip club, and she was worried about the negative influences. So how do you get that it's justified?
TheFonz Posted April 8, 2008 Posted April 8, 2008 Oh comon there are male friends that are bad influences too. I remember the thread about the girl who's bf had a bunch of single friends who wanted him to go to a strip club, and she was worried about the negative influences. So how do you get that it's justified? A guy's friends influencing him to go to a strip club is not the same thing that I was talking about. What I'm talking about is the a girl's female friends telling her what a loser her BF is while they get all kinds of attention from guys who do want to hook up. Two different things.
dreamergrl Posted April 8, 2008 Posted April 8, 2008 A guy's friends influencing him to go to a strip club is not the same thing that I was talking about. What I'm talking about is the a girl's female friends telling her what a loser her BF is while they get all kinds of attention from guys who do want to hook up. Two different things. That's just an assumption you're making that girls would do on a night out though. A guy should only worry about that if he's giving people a reason to think he's a loser (example, trying to control his girlfriend and attempt to refrain her from spending time with her friends - yes then I can imagine the possibility of that type of talk) but, if he treats her with respect, then the odds of that type of talk are quite small. Ultimately, it's the girl's choice to whether or not she gives into anything that is said or influenced.
carhill Posted April 8, 2008 Posted April 8, 2008 Ultimately, it's the girl's choice to whether or not she gives into anything that is said or influenced. Exactly, and if the relationship is that weak, where she might act on things said or influenced, attempting to control her social activities is just going to flush it down the toilet, IMO.
Woggle Posted April 8, 2008 Posted April 8, 2008 There are certain types of women that do tend to think all their friends involved with men are being mistreated and have settled but he should still trust her. A woman's manhating friends can wreak havoc on a relationship but If a woman is too weak to have her own mind and not let her bitter friends influence her a man should not waste time on her anyway The OP does not sound like this type though and he should trust her.
TheFonz Posted April 8, 2008 Posted April 8, 2008 Exactly, and if the relationship is that weak, where she might act on things said or influenced, attempting to control her social activities is just going to flush it down the toilet, IMO. No I agree the guy is being unreasonable in worrying and being insecure, but my point is if you let a GF hang around in bars and with some girls these influence can always ends up ruining the relationship. A guy going to a bar or a strip club is no comparison to what your girl going to a bar with her jealous gfs can do.
dreamergrl Posted April 8, 2008 Posted April 8, 2008 No I agree the guy is being unreasonable in worrying and being insecure, but my point is if you let a GF hang around in bars and with some girls these influence can always ends up ruining the relationship. A guy going to a bar or a strip club is no comparison to what your girl going to a bar with her jealous gfs can do. How do you figure, strip clubs put temptation right in front of you. Either way - it's the man or woman's choice of what to do with what situation they are in. If someone is going to go by what another is saying, or give into temptation when it's put before them - then they aren't a person that you want for a healthy relationship.
carhill Posted April 8, 2008 Posted April 8, 2008 Can't speak to boyfriend/girlfriend situations, but nuclear winter will arrive before I "tell" my wife where she can and can't go. She just came back from a week at Havasu with her LA friends. Bar hopping by boat along the river and plenty of drinking and flashing to be had by all. Her old BF (from 35 years ago) took real good care of her (he's a great guy). I stayed home and worked because I had to. She had a great time Our marriage may not be perfect right now but I would never begrudge her fun with her friends nor would I ever consider her less than completely trustworthy. That's my psychology
marlena Posted April 8, 2008 Posted April 8, 2008 She had a great time Our marriage may not be perfect right now but I would never begrudge her fun with her friends nor would I ever consider her less than completely trustworthy. That's my psychology Carhill. once again, your views reflect a man who is capable of mature and unselfish thought. Love should not become possessive/obssessive or controlling. Real love is caring about another peron's needs and trusting that person enough to give him/her enough space to exist as an individual and not just as a partner. Lishy has said many times that she has never given him cause to feel insecure about her. Clearly, this is his problem. If he cares about her, he will realize that he has to curb his insecurities and revise his views on the matter. He will have to make this small compromise. After all, she isn't hanging out at bars like one poster said but simply wants to have the freedom to be able to go to a bar for drinks with friends on the odd occassion. What is wrong with that? And all this talk about girls dressing provocatively and picking up men in bars is silly. Not all women who go to a bar with friends on a night out are on the make. Besides, if Lishy (or any woman for that matter) wanted to get picked up, she could do it any where and not just in a bar. When a relationship is solid, there is nothing to fear. If she has talked to him time and time again and still he reacts childidhly to this, then, she will just have to gently assert her boundaries.
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