Lishy Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 My BF of 2 years always causes some kind of conflict when I am going out with my girl friends. He will never admit to this but by hook or by crook he will cause some sort of upset on the day I am going out. On Saturday my friend was coming down from far away and I had arranged a babysitter so I could go out with her as we have not been out for over a year. He knew how excited I was but on Saturday I tried to ring him (we speak every day) and his phone was off! He kept it off all day and didnt call me on Sunday at all. Remember we speak every day so this is very unusual. Now he had his kids down and seeing as he never admits to it he will just say that his kids were down and he wanted to spend time with them without the phone ringing. This is not true as he normally keeps his phone on but he uses this excuse when I call him on it. He does something every single time I go out. I really dont want us to break up as we are very happy as a rule Can I do anything to stop this from happening?
whichwayisup Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 I wonder why he is jealous. He should be happy for you, that you get to see your friend you haven't seen in a long time...Yet instead he's acting like a hurt child who lost his bestfriend. Can we say control and jealously issues? After 2 years he shouldn't be acting this way. Talk to him and ask him why he gets bent out of shape and creates some sort of drama during those times you are with your girlfriends.
Pyro Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 I think that it comes down to jealousy, insecurity, and immaturity. My friends husband does the exact same thing whenever she goes out without him. Like WWIU said, talk to him, but if he is anything like my friends husband, then be prepared for some arguing and some childish behavior.
Gold Pile Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 If possible don't tell him your plans next time, or tell him at the last minute. He won't have time to plan a drama. Later tell him why you did it that way.
Lizzie60 Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 I agree with GP.. don't tell him.. and when he gets his kids.. don't call, so next time.. he'll know you won't call..
xpaperxcutx Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 He's acting out his insecurity. You should talk to him about his behavior because he can't control every aspect of your life. Tell him to respect your alone time with your friends and at the same time to be able to place some trust in you. After 2 years together, you're entitled to have him comply to your demands.
DanielMadr Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 For once try to return home in a car without flashing blue light, puke in handbag and knickers hanging on your left ear.
D-Jam Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 I agree with the other opinions. I remember some male friends who would go absolutely crazy the times their girlfriends were going out with the other girls for a night out at the bars or clubs. They would be paranoid thinking the other girls would tell her to break up and look for a "bigger better deal", plus the idea of her being there without him and guys possibly hitting on her...wow, never seen such insecurity. In the case of Lishy, I'd tell her to just have a serious sit-down and hash this out, lay down her own law that his behavior will not be tolerated. If he's as insecure as I think, he'll either become an ******* and try to lay his own law down about her going out with the girls...or become all apologetic and now back off out of fear of losing Lishy. If he becomes a royal ******* about it all, then seriously think if this is the man you want to be long term with. As for the rest of you, if you ever have a jealous friend like that, rambling on and on about how their significant other is out without them...here's some tips: 1) If they yabber about how his/her friends might try to convince him/her to dump and look for better, then ask the jealous friend if maybe he/she knows of reasons why they would do that. Things he/she does that might drive their significant other away. Often times it starts with them making excuses on how the friends hate him/her for no reason, or they're all snobs, and other copouts...but later they suddenly tell of things they know they do wrong, and now try to fix. 2) If you ever hear the jealous person ramble on about how men or women will be hitting on the significant other. Tell them that if he/she truly trusts their significant other, then it won't matter who hits on him/her. If you hear "Oh I trust her to death. I just don't trust those other guys!", then point out again that he doesn't trust his girlfriend. If he thinks said girl will meet some other guy, give her number out, or cheat, then he doesn't trust her. There is no halfway with it. If you trust your significant other 100%, then no matter who comes on to him/her, it won't matter. Personally, I'd rather be cheated on than sit there every day in paranoia worrying about it. Better to be betrayed and know a person's true colors than sit there ruining the happiness with worry.
marlena Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 In my experience, no amount of talking will change who your boyfriend is and how he reacts to this particular situation. I agree with Lizzie. I would put my foot down and tell him whether he likes it or not, you will be seeing your friends and there is nothing he can do about it. He will just have to accept it. If he creates drama or a scene or any sort of friction, IGNORE it, do not talk to him about it and HAVE A GOOD TIME. The more you let on that his reaction bothers you, the more you enable his "tantrums." You have to "train" him to accept this. He has to realize that this is a non-negotiable point. And if he turns off his phone, just don't call him again. In due time, he will get used to it.
DanielMadr Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 In my experience, no amount of talking will change who your boyfriend is and how he reacts to this particular situation. I agree with Lizzie. I would put my foot down and tell him whether he likes it or not, you will be seeing your friends and there is nothing he can do about it. He will just have to accept it. If he creates drama or a scene or any sort of friction, IGNORE it, do not talk to him about it and HAVE A GOOD TIME. The more you let on that his reaction bothers you, the more you enable his "tantrums." You have to "train" him to accept this. He has to realize that this is a non-negotiable point. And if he turns off his phone, just don't call him again. In due time, he will get used to it. .........Divorced, Marlena?
Cov Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 I hate this trait in men, a few of my friends will happily ruin a goodnight out because they'll spend hours groaning about the fact their girlfriend's are out partying and probably cheating. It's great to see trust is alive and well. If I was you, I'd do the following things; A) Keep on arranging girl's nights out and ignore his immature behaviour. If he flares up then strike him back down to his normal size. B) Don't phone him and let him stew, if he knows you haven't rang in a day or two, I'm pretty sure he'll be kicking himself in the head like weeman from Jackass. C) Ask him why he is so insecure and question the trust in your relationship.
marlena Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 Keep on arranging girl's nights out and ignore his immature behaviour. Yes, you can't talk a man into being mature and confident enough not to pout whenever it's girl's night out. You may try once or twice but if he just continues to throw a tantrum, then, you just have to show him that you will not stand for it. It's setting a boundary just like anything else.
marlena Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 Oh, and Lishy, you should not feel guilty for the occassional night out with girlfriends. It's normal and part of a healthy, full, well-rounded life. So, don't let him guilt-trip you into feeling bad. It's his insecurity and he is the one that has to deal with it.
sunshinegirl Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 A) Keep on arranging girl's nights out and ignore his immature behaviour. If he flares up then strike him back down to his normal size. B) Don't phone him and let him stew, if he knows you haven't rang in a day or two, I'm pretty sure he'll be kicking himself in the head like weeman from Jackass. I agree with these... in particular, just ignoring the behavior. Is there any reason why you must speak with him every day? IMO, he continues to do it because he gets a reaction out of you - you seem to want him to be available to you 24/7. If you stop reacting to it, chances are he'll stop doing it. (BTW, I learned that in "Surviving Older Siblings 101" 20 years ago.)
AriaIncognito Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 It's his insecurity and he is the one that has to deal with it. I disagree with this. Yes, it is HIS insecurity, but THEY have to deal with it. That's what a relationship is about. You can't just say 'fix yourself' you need to try to work on it as a couple. They need to talk about it. And it can't just be her saying "i need to go out with X" and it can't just be him saying "I dont want you to go out". There has to be a deeper reasoning behind his insecurity. Be it caused by her behavior, or a woman in his past. Yes, he needs to address that, however, she needs to be supportive of his addressing it, as well. I think we tend to say the other party needs to fix themselves, forgetting that relationships, are 2 people and how they interact, not just 1. Just my 2 cents.
Kamille Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 Well, the first thing I would try to establish is whether or not he was indeed punishing her by turning off his phone and not calling the day after. It looks like a duck, but I think we're all making assumptions that her interpretation is correct. He says he turned the phone off because he was with the kids? You know what, I would chose to believe him. That way I don't have to spend my time feeling punished and feel free to go out with my friends when I feel like it. If you feel like you should have access to him at all times, then I would tell him that you are used to speaking to him everyday and would like it if you two could touch base even when the kids are in town. Then, if he still pulls a disaparecido next time you go out, I would approach him telling him you feel he is doing it because he's bothered by the fact that you are going out on your own.
Trialbyfire Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 He's acting out his insecurity. You should talk to him about his behavior because he can't control every aspect of your life. Tell him to respect your alone time with your friends and at the same time to be able to place some trust in you. After 2 years together, you're entitled to have him comply to your demands. I agree with the bolded portion of this post. As long as you're also understanding about his boy's night out, you have every right to call him on his unreasonable behaviour. Friends' night out, is key to retaining your identity within a relationship. The last thing you want, is a co-dependency. Having said this, as long as neither one of you is going out to the bar on a weekly basis, to do this, you both need to have some downtime.
Pyro Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 He's acting out his insecurity. You should talk to him about his behavior because he can't control every aspect of your life. Tell him to respect your alone time with your friends and at the same time to be able to place some trust in you. After 2 years together, you're entitled to have him comply to your demands. After two years, trust shouldn't be an issue, but it obviously is an issue.
marlena Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 (edited) Aria, I agree that things need to be discussed out in the open in a relationship and that both partners need to work together towards common goals. But this is rather an insignificant issue. A mature man wouldn't react petulantly that way and resort to silly games like turning the phone off as a sort of punishment. He is the one trying to guilt the OP over something so simple as seeing an old friend or going out with the girls on the odd occassion. Being a couple does not mean to the exclusion of all other people. If she has already talked to him and he still continues this sort of surly behavior, she just has to do what she feels is right. Sometimes not talking but doing sends a more resonating message. After all, one can talk until one is blue in the face but if the other is not listening or willing to compromise, then, there's nothing to do but assert yourself through actions. Edited April 7, 2008 by marlena
Pyro Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 I disagree with this. Yes, it is HIS insecurity, but THEY have to deal with it. That's what a relationship is about. You can't just say 'fix yourself' you need to try to work on it as a couple. They need to talk about it. And it can't just be her saying "i need to go out with X" and it can't just be him saying "I dont want you to go out". There has to be a deeper reasoning behind his insecurity. Be it caused by her behavior, or a woman in his past. Yes, he needs to address that, however, she needs to be supportive of his addressing it, as well. I think we tend to say the other party needs to fix themselves, forgetting that relationships, are 2 people and how they interact, not just 1. Just my 2 cents. You can only try and talk to someone for so long. He has to learn to trust her or its not going to last. I agree that communication is the first step, but if it doesn't get them anywhere, then they need to resort to plan B.
Lizzie60 Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 .........Divorced, Marlena? Why do you always have to post a comment like that? Single heh? (once to me) then.. now to Marlena Divorced.. ? You seem to think that only doormats get men..
notgoodatthis Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 If you have a boyfriend, why do you need to go out with the girls? I can see if you go out to dinner or something but going out to a club or whatever means you're going to dress provocatively and get off on the attention you get from the guys there.
AriaIncognito Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 If you have a boyfriend, why do you need to go out with the girls? I can see if you go out to dinner or something but going out to a club or whatever means you're going to dress provocatively and get off on the attention you get from the guys there. Going out to a club doesn't inherently MEAN anything. Why do you make the assumption that someone going out somewhere without their SO = someone misbehaving? If I go out without my bf (in the times I'm not single) then I'm going out to be with the people I'm going out with. I'm not there to meet other men, or impress anybody. Even if you're correct, and people were to dress differently to get "attention", what all does that attention matter, when they are coming home to you and loyal to you? It would seem to me that you have trust issues, if your automatic assumption is that the person wants to go out without the SO in order to get their rocks off. It's very important to have things separate of your SO, in my opinion (and in the opinion of most relationship "expert" type people). People need not be dependent on having the other there all the time. Your SO should add to your life, not be a requirement in order to have a life...
twice_shy Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 My BF of 2 years always causes some kind of conflict when I am going out with my girl friends. He will never admit to this but by hook or by crook he will cause some sort of upset on the day I am going out. On Saturday my friend was coming down from far away and I had arranged a babysitter so I could go out with her as we have not been out for over a year. He knew how excited I was but on Saturday I tried to ring him (we speak every day) and his phone was off! He kept it off all day and didnt call me on Sunday at all. Remember we speak every day so this is very unusual. Now he had his kids down and seeing as he never admits to it he will just say that his kids were down and he wanted to spend time with them without the phone ringing. This is not true as he normally keeps his phone on but he uses this excuse when I call him on it. He does something every single time I go out. I really dont want us to break up as we are very happy as a rule Can I do anything to stop this from happening? sounds like he doesn't trust you. Or maybe he has been burned by the "girls' night out" thing in the past.
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