FlyByNite Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 Ok - so I joined this forum a while back in the break ups part - its only been a few months since the end of my long term relationship...however, I am now dating and have met someone that I really like - but who has confused me a bit, so am looking for advice. We have been talking on msn for the past month - pretty much every day - and there were texts and emails throughout the day. I have been on one date with him (he lives about 3 hours away). I went to see him for our date, and it went well, he kissed me, everything good. We carried on talking, but then he got really busy at work, and couldn't talk as much. I kind of felt a bit insecure, so emailed to check that he did still want to talk to me (duh I know). He told me not to be so silly. We are still talking now, but the other night he said that he doesn't like the negative side of me, and also that I challenge him too much - i asked what that meant, and he said just that it would make him back off when I was in a negative mood. However, he was still talking about coming down to see me once the project at work stopped being so crazy and the flirting has continued. Then last night we were talking on msn - and he just stopped - no goodbye, just went. I had just sent a stupid photo of a fancy dress party - so unless my costume put him right off lol - i'm not sure what happened? It wasn't a tech issue either. I am just being too sensitive right? Or is he doing a disappearing act and hasn't got the guts to tell me he's not interested now? What should I do?
GPFan Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 I am just being too sensitive right? Or is he doing a disappearing act and hasn't got the guts to tell me he's not interested now? What should I do? Gah! I hate to tell you this but his behaviour indicates that he isn't into you. If he were, you wouldn't be able to get rid of him. You know this deep-down, yes? He is trying to be kind but failing. You know it and he knows it. The best action at this point is to stop contacting him and seriously look at other prospects. This one is a no-go.
Author FlyByNite Posted April 7, 2008 Author Posted April 7, 2008 Really? So why would he bother to point out my 'faults', but then carry on talking to me? I even asked him if that meant that we were at the 'let's just be friends stage' and he said, no, he wasn't that hasty..I gave him the perfect opportunity to break it off. If that's what he feels then why didn't he? He's not being nice keeping me hanging. I have even drafted the brush off email to him, as the whole 'faults' conversation actually upset me quite a lot, and I wasn't sure if i was prepared to have that kind of crap this early on. Should I send it then?
GPFan Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 Should I send it then? In my opinion, yes. I am sure you have other prospects to check out.
sid33 Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 I'm right there with ya....and I have just realized there shouldn't be any crap to deal with early on. Big red flag, actually more like a gaint stop sign. I've been dealing with it for the past week or so. It comes down to are you/I, any of us willing to settle for b.s just to not be single. I would say no. I think if things are going great in the early stages they are bound to suck after awhile. just my opinion. I wouldn't send any letter. Shows your making an effort and letting him get to you.walking away quietly will say alot more than your letter could...good luck
Author FlyByNite Posted April 7, 2008 Author Posted April 7, 2008 Ok - so a bit of an update - he's just emailed me (unprompted) to apologise for last night - apparently it was a tech issue (though he could have of course called me to explain, and didn't). I am getting the impression that he's blowing hot and cold to keep me in the background in case something else he has planned doesn't work out. I think you are right - no email - no response is probably the best way to go. Shame, but there you are . Next! lol Good luck to the rest of you too
SpikeyChick Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 (edited) I have even drafted the brush off email to him, as the whole 'faults' conversation actually upset me quite a lot, and I wasn't sure if i was prepared to have that kind of crap this early on. Should I send it then? No! You would send this ONLY to try to gain a sense of control by finishing the relationship on YOUR terms - just an ego game. I would like to hear more about these supposed "faults" that he is commenting on. Is he really criticising you unfairly? What is he saying? Perhaps he is saying that your "negativity " is not an attractive quality. That is a reasonable comment BTW . The biggest probelm here is the distance between you and his unavailablity due to his commitment at work. Edited April 7, 2008 by SpikeyChick
SpikeyChick Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 . I am getting the impression that he's blowing hot and cold to keep me in the background in case something else he has planned doesn't work out. " ..blowing hot and cold to keep me in the background in case ..." Where is the evidence to support this? You are purely speculating - and already demonizing him. Why do we women do this stuff . It is bad and it is self defeating ! You know what, men never do this. They wait for some evidence to present itself before they form opinions or draw conclusions. Smart guys !
Author FlyByNite Posted April 7, 2008 Author Posted April 7, 2008 Lol - wow, that was vehement! You are right about the email thing - it would be purely ego - part of the reason I wasn't sure about sending it, and in fact didn't. In terms of the 'faults' - I do think he was unfair, as he didn't give me any examples of what I was supposed to have done - and given that we have only been speaking over text and email etc, I think its a bit early for that kind of conversation. If he wanted to stop contacting me, he just had to say - I would respect that. What I don't respect is being very full on, and then backing off, then being full on again. I think that is blowing hot and cold. Yes I am speculating - which is why I haven't said it to him or acted on it, but rather asked a question on an anonymous internet forum to help me make sense of his behaviour. Clearly I haven't given the full picture here - to do so would take too long - I just wanted some initial views - and got some, and have taken the comments on board. I do however take exception to your comment 'why do women do this'. It's not 'women' it is me - it's not fair to attribute my attitudes to the whole of the female species. And, with respect, you are making assumptions that there is no evidence also; I accept that I haven't listed it here, so perhaps the assumption is warranted; however, it is an assumption nonetheless. I would also suggest that you seem to purely speculate on women's motives based on little or no evidence, or at least you have done so with me. Thanks for your response in any case.
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