tealeafbud Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 Background. Long Term LDR broken engagement. I moved in with her for 6 weeks, then moved out because I knew I didn't love her anymore and weren't right for each other...well, she wasn't right for me. Anyhoo, we've struggled with NC for a few weeks, and she's talked about some guy that she's been seeing just to hurt me. I know the guy isn't right for her from what she told me about him. Even though I haven't talked with her, I have these feelings of really wanting to hurt her when the relationship goes sour. I really want to tell her that she is a stupid stupid girl for going into a quick rebound relationship. I really want to tell her "I told you so!!!". I really want her to get crushed even more than I hurt her when I left. I want her to feel so much pain. As much as she hurt me when she told me about her rebound relationship. Is this a source of my own low self esteem or anger or something? Do I need to just let go of things and focus on my life and not hers now? I'm just really confused right now and trying to cope with some emotions I haven't had in a long time. Please don't hate me for feeling this way.
stlnsmile Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 Tealeafbug, you and I are opposite ends of the exact same thing, so I want to give you my point of view because it may help you. So here goes. Background. Long Term LDR broken engagement. I moved in with her for 6 weeks, then moved out because I knew I didn't love her anymore and weren't right for each other...well, she wasn't right for me. Okay when this happened to me, I was devistated, he said we were to be married, gave promise rings. (we are younger) but same sentiments. When he told me after yr. and 3 mo. relationship he didn't love me, we weren't right for each other, "wasn't right for him" of course I was devisted, and felt like my life was coming to an end. Felt like everything that we had was a lie, that he lied to me about his feelings the whole time, and could have spoken to me as soon as he felt he was loosing his love for me, and I would have tried to ignight the spark or whatever, try to work it out, but he trew me away, and did not give me a chance, and never even cared enough to call. My life as I knew it was over, I couldn't breathe or eat or sleep or function. Anyhoo, we've struggled with NC for a few weeks, and she's talked about some guy that she's been seeing just to hurt me. I would have done the same thing to see if I could have gotten my ex to come back to me. I missed him, I needed him, I wanted him, I loved him, and if I thought for one second making him jelouse would work, I would do it. Also, the pain I had was sooooo great, I thought at first, if I could destract myself from the pain, then it wouldn't hurt so bad. I never had the chance to date someone, and now I am grateful, but I would have to dull the pain of loosing the man I loved more than anything in the world. I know the guy isn't right for her from what she told me about him. Even though I haven't talked with her, I have these feelings of really wanting to hurt her when the relationship goes sour. If you do not love her, and do not want her and do not feel she is right for you, what does it matter who she chooses to be in her life, it is her life, you kicked yourself out of it the day you left her. Its not your choice who she sees. You did not want to be a part of her life, you chose to not be a part of her life......forever......not just a while......but forever...she is accepting that and moving on......you are not? Also, if you have not talked with her, her opinion is that you do not care, which you don't. Why do you want to hurt her more??? I mean you devistated her life when you walked out on her, is that not enough pain? Why would you want her to suffer? You made the choice not her, you never gave her a choice. I really want to tell her that she is a stupid stupid girl for going into a quick rebound relationship. Maybe, but again, her choice her life, since you don't want to be in her life. I really want to tell her "I told you so!!!". About what? I really want her to get crushed even more than I hurt her when I left. Why? You left her....she did not leave you. She loved you. I want her to feel so much pain. As much as she hurt me when she told me about her rebound relationship. See above. Is this a source of my own low self esteem or anger or something? Do I need to just let go of things and focus on my life and not hers now? Yes, you couldn't love..you didn't know how to, you didn't know how to be in a comitted relationship and you bailed on her. Now she has found some sort of happiness and you wish to deny her that happiness why? Because you can't snap your fingers and have her back? Because you hated her. I mean so much anger comes from somewhere. Why are you so angry with her, and don't tell me the other guy....there would be no other guy if you had not kicked her out of your life. You basically when you threw her away in essance treated her like a prostitute, meaning, anyone could have her, touch her, be with her, and that was okay with you then, why not now? I'm just really confused right now and trying to cope with some emotions I haven't had in a long time. Please don't hate me for feeling this way. You have to feel this at some point and you have to understand yourself and why you hurt so much over a girl you did not love. With out understanding what you did, you are doomed to repeat the same mistake in your next relationship. I come at you from the opposit end in hopes that we can help each other understand what the other is feeling.
sedgwick Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 I really want her to get crushed even more than I hurt her when I left. I want her to feel so much pain. Why? My god, why would you want to hurt her MORE? You dumped her! Didn't you hurt her enough? What is it with guys who decide the woman they're with isn't good enough for them and then just want to keep punishing her? You don't want her. You let her go. Why do you care what she's doing? That poor girl. I know exactly how she feels.
stlnsmile Posted April 8, 2008 Posted April 8, 2008 I would not hate you, in fact, admire the fact, that as a male you were able to come and talk about your feelings on LS. Most men just go on and never let themselves feel anything, which shows you are probably a bit more in touch with your feelings than many are capable of. I think the fact that you are asking questions is a good thing. I just want to challenge you now, because you have to understand yourself if you ever want successful relationships in the future.
Author tealeafbud Posted April 8, 2008 Author Posted April 8, 2008 (edited) I would not hate you, in fact, admire the fact, that as a male you were able to come and talk about your feelings on LS. Most men just go on and never let themselves feel anything, which shows you are probably a bit more in touch with your feelings than many are capable of. I think the fact that you are asking questions is a good thing. I just want to challenge you now, because you have to understand yourself if you ever want successful relationships in the future. STL and Sedg, I really appreciate your responses. STLnSmile, thanks for your perspective and invaluable insight into how we're at the opposite sides of the spectrum. I know how irrational my thinking is. I left her because I knew that a marriage with her wouldn't work out. I have 38 dealbreaker reasons why, but it's still difficult to let her go. Well, we've been talking and all of those feelings for her came back. the 38 deal breakers were basically thrown out the window. I didn't know what I wanted. She wanted me back. She wanted to see me again. I told her I was confused. I didn't know if I fell in love with her again or not. in the meantime, she met someone and I shouldn't care, but it just made me jealous. it still does. This is probably the source of my hurtful emotions. She calls me and tells me she can't let me go. I ask her that I need to move on and that she's playing with my emotions by telling me about her relationship. She keeps calling and telling me she's so confused blah blah blah blah. I keep asking her what she wants from me? She says she doesn't know. part of her wants me back, then part of her really likes the other guy. She's torn basically. I ask her why she can't let go of me. She doesn't want to she says. In my opinion, she wants to keep me around in case things don't work out with that guy. In my opinion, she wants to talk to me to keep her emotional stability In my opinion, she wants to be a friend to her since she can't talk to anyone about him (cuz he's a total loser). But that's besides the point. The point is that my frustration stems from the fact that when we talk, she wants me to listen to her about the relationship. Maybe to prove that she's changed enough that I'd want her back. Changed enough that she's learned what she did wrong before. Changed enough that when she's ready, I'll be waiting at her doorstep. Well, Screw THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm sorry for rambling, but I am better now. I'm through with the hurt, with the sadness, and the saying is true that if you love someone, you need to set them free. I have since set her free, but she has yet to do the same with me. Edited April 8, 2008 by tealeafbud
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