sedgwick Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 Okay, I need one paragraph to complain, and then I'll stop. I am so depressed. I get more depressed by the day. I'm not eating well. I'm not sleeping well. Pretty much all I've done all weekend is lie in bed. I feel totally paralyzed to work on my book because nothing really excites me anymore now that he's gone. I've been trying to pretend it does, and that I'm okay, but I'm not. I am seriously depressed. I'm scared to leave my apartment for fear of running into him. (I do it anyway, but it's very difficult.) I dream about him more or less every night. I miss him so much it feels like he's hanging from my ribs. I feel like my sexuality is completely shut down, along with my ability to trust. It's been almost 9 months now and all I'm doing is getting through the day. I'm accomplishing stuff but it's hollow. All I want is the love of my life back. But my love was completely useless to him, disposable. He decided, for some reason, to ignore me. I am tormented by thoughts of who he might be with, I feel like I've been punched in the gut, I have no energy, I'm dragging myself through the day, and I see no end in sight. I have no desire to meet new people; that's just not possible for me right now. I'm scared to go to parties or large gatherings of any sort for fear I might see him or someone who knows him. I have had my love thrown back in my face and that makes me feel too humiliated to go out and meet people -- what if I burdened someone else with my regard? What if someone else had to let me down gently? I don't want to put anyone else in that position. Okay, I'm done. Well, I'm not, but I'm stopping.
Ocean-Blue Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 sedg, I can do nothing but offer you a big fat cyber hug and send my good thoughts your way. I've said many times that this guy is an a$$ who is not worthy of your time. Something tells me you too will come to this realization one day. Till then, you will wallow and pine... I just hope you realize that nothing will change till you let go. Stop idealizing him. Stop making him into something grander than he was. He was a coward who suddenly left you with no warning. He is not a real man.
beta Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 Wish I could hug you Sedg... I don't know why I'm feeling more resolved today...I am though. Maybe it's my therapist? Do you have one? I was reluctant at first but when i found myself in the state you so familirarily (is that a word?!) described, I had to call. I was scared. Really scared. I called and it's not over (not sure it could ever be?) But I needed tools to cope. At least I am learning some. -thinking of you, x
Far Behind Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 I agree with Beta and Ocean...they both made excellent points. And I am where you are, too, though my relationship was much shorter. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that my guy is a commitment phobic emotional cripple and a coward, not worthy of the anguish he has caused me. I am working really hard with my therapist right now because I realize that I will never be able to have a relationship with someone else until I learn to have one with me. Hugs to you.
kymberann Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 It is time to let go! Staying in this funk is serving some sort of purpose. What do you think it could be? Something to think about, it takes more time and energy staying in the state you are in than actually let go and move on. You can do this!
tealeafbud Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 A lot of us are in the same boat. I wish that I could help you make your pain go away. Unfortunately, it's a personal responsibility to muster up the strength to get over this person. I know you've probably heard every possible word of advice given. Therefore I won't rant, but I will say that even though I don't know you, we are all kindred spirits, and we are capable of all emotional obstacles once our spirits bind together. When I found this forum, I recognized many many kindred spirits, all working to try and help each other out. It really is a great resource and should be utilized to it's highest potential. Remember also that you are very valuable to us. You are valued as a member of this forum and as a member of your community. You are acknowledged as a loving person to your family. You are valuable to your friends. Take care of yourself, and be strong. We will all be here for you. Lots of Love me
Author sedgwick Posted April 7, 2008 Author Posted April 7, 2008 (edited) Thank you again everybody. This morning I started crying in the coffeeshop where I write and I had to leave. I can't believe I'm like this still after this long. This is just above and beyond anything I've ever felt. Knowing that the person I love more than anything in the world has either forgotten me or hates me is so awful. I'm just not sure how you ever live with something like that. I'm so exhausted. I can't even sleep without dreaming of him. He is all I think about. There has not been one second for the past 9 months that he hasn't been on my mind. Today I came so close to calling him and trying to apologize for whatever it was I did. But I know what I did -- I dared not to have the same exact career as his. I just wish he knew that if he had told me at ANY point during the relationship -- and I wish he'd told me up front -- that he needed me to take music lessons in order to continue to know me, I'd have done it in a heartbeat. When we first met, I actually was taking banjo lessons, but when I sold the first book and got into a second dance company I just couldn't find the time for it. I gave it up, and he didn't say anything at all to me about it. But now I know it bothered him all along, and I just feel horrible for not having seen that. I feel such a desperate need to make sure he knows how sorry I am for that, and for being inattentive to his needs. I wonder if telling him now that I'm willing to make a concerted effort to learn to play music would make a difference. I've thought so much about learning to play and then going to his place and serenading him, but I'm sure he's with someone else by now. He's just too sexy not to be. Whereas I never even get flirted with -- NEVER. I just feel so inadequate next to him. I would give anything to really be loved, to really be special to someone. But I just don't think that's ever going to happen. I'm neither attractive enough nor talented enough for someone like him, but I was hoping maybe I could make up for it by loving him enough. It just sucks. I'm such a dumbass, I should have known better than to think I was good enough for him. I just wish I could tell him how sorry I am for that. I'm so glad I'm going to LA next week to work on the second book and the film. And this weekend I'm bringing some bellydancers from SF to NYC to teach a workshop. One of them is staying with me. It will be really nice to have someone else here so I don't just sit around all the time being sad. At least it will all give me something else to think about for a little while Edited April 7, 2008 by sedgwick
Far Behind Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 I feel such a desperate need to make sure he knows how sorry I am for that, and for being inattentive to his needs. I wonder if telling him now that I'm willing to make a concerted effort to learn to play music would make a difference. I've thought so much about learning to play and then going to his place and serenading him, but I'm sure he's with someone else by now. He's just too sexy not to be. Whereas I never even get flirted with -- NEVER. I just feel so inadequate next to him. I would give anything to really be loved, to really be special to someone. But I just don't think that's ever going to happen. I'm neither attractive enough nor talented enough for someone like him, but I was hoping maybe I could make up for it by loving him enough. It just sucks. I'm such a dumbass, I should have known better than to think I was good enough for him. I just wish I could tell him how sorry I am for that. This sexy guy you're writing about, the one you think you are inadequate next to...is this the same smelly balding guy you wrote about on the prince charming thread? OMG, Sedg, you have GOT to STOP beating yourself up like this and move on. I know, I really do know the pain and anguish...but you have to MAKE yourself move on. Do NOT apologize to him for ANYTHING...please please please start taking care of YOU. You sound like such a talented and creative woman with so much to offer. Who gives a rat's ass if you are a fiddle player or not? Why would you want to be with someone that would judge you on that? It doesn't make sense. I don't mean to be harsh...my heart is honestly breaking for you. Please seek help if you haven't already, because you just have to move past this for your own sanity. {{{hugs}}}}
Author sedgwick Posted April 7, 2008 Author Posted April 7, 2008 I called my psychiatrist today and asked her to help me find a new therapist. I know things have to change. This is hell. And I know I said he was smelly and skinny and bald, but he's SOOOOO talented and funny and just very cute and quirky. I mean, I fell in love with him the minute I saw him, who knows how many other women have done the same.
stlnsmile Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 God believe me you and I are in the same boat.....but you have to know you are worth so much more than his opinion of you. I mean is that real, his opinion......no its not. Judging someone on what they do.....that does not make a person. Its what is on the inside that counts. There are lots of very successful people in the world that I would not want as friends, because they are cold, callouse, hurtful, evil people. You are more than good enough. My heart is breaking as well to hear you say these things.....you are so great. Please go see someone sweetie, you deserve to feel better and not be in this place anymore.
Author sedgwick Posted April 7, 2008 Author Posted April 7, 2008 Thank you sweetie...I know we're in the same place, and I'm sorry you feel like this too. It's just to the point where I don't think anything I do has any value because it's worthless to him. A million times a day I hear it in my head: not good enough, not good enough. I've never felt this useless. I just want to have some value in the world, to bring something beautiful to other people, and maybe someday to be loved. I just want someone to take what I have to give. I want to think my love might bring someone joy someday instead of just embarrassing and inconveniencing them, but I don't really have much hope of that anymore. If I ever do love someone again, I definitely won't tell them; I don't want to bug them. I've learned my lesson. I hope somehow he can feel just how much love exists in the universe for him. I hope that the fact I tell him out loud, every night before I fall asleep, that I love him unconditionally, is somehow worth something, somehow traveling out into the world and reaching him, somehow bringing him comfort. Maybe if he just feels the vibes and doesn't know they're coming from me, they will bring him some joy and make him feel like the incredibly special and beautiful person he is.
Lishy Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 Sedge it worries me that you are not even beginning to move on. You seem to be getting worse hon Have you been evaluated by a psychiatrist? The way you are staying attached to this man is not normal and be caused by an illness. I could be completely wrong and please forgive me if I am as I do not know your past situations. I just worry for you as I can feel your lack of self worth, I have never seen a lady so hell bent on distruction and self loathing. It must be so awful for you and I really really wish I could something to make you feel better.
Author sedgwick Posted April 7, 2008 Author Posted April 7, 2008 (edited) I am getting worse. It sucks. As I said above, I do have a psychiatrist and called her today about finding me a new therapist. It's so weird, I felt pretty good about myself when I met him. I've always had self-esteem issues, but nothing like this. I mean...I met the total love of my life, gave him the very best of me, and he decided he could do without even speaking to me. With every day that he ignores me, I lose a little more faith in myself. I never in a million years thought we would stop speaking. I thought I'd found my twin. But when you find out that's all lies, and that they never really cared for you at all, it's just...so devastating. I mean, the night before he left me I told him how scared I was to write my book, but that I knew I could do it with his support and love. I thanked him for being there for me and told him I didn't know how I'd ever do this without him. And he told me he loved me and went to sleep. Even hearing me say that and knowing what he was about to do to me, he just fell asleep like it was any other night. I can't imagine how a person could be so cruel to someone they didn't just despise. The only way you could treat someone like that, as far as I'm concerned, is if you absolutely loathed them and just didn't care at all how they felt. I'm so angry at him for pretending to sob during our breakup. I mean, there were tears running down his face and all, but god, there is no way he could have done what he did the night before and actually been at all sad about leaving me. He was a very, very good actor, is all I can say. I can't figure out why he pretended to cry, is the only thing. Why didn't he just say, "F*ck you, I never want to speak to you again," and walk out the door? Edited April 7, 2008 by sedgwick
CarDude2015 Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 Sedgwick - I understand what you're going through. The only thing I don't understand is why he would throw away the kind of love you guys had over your not taking music lessons (please forgive me if I'm missing something). If I recognized the kind of love that you seem to share in a woman I knew, I would keep the love of my life in a heartbeat rather than throwing empty requirements in the midst of it. I'm working on a book myself, and I wouldn't require the woman I love to write a book if we were to stay together. That would be ridiculous. It just boggles my mind to think that's what caused him to move on. I don't mean any offense. I'm just trying to get my head around those reasons. I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling like this. I've been in the same boat, and it sucks, but it does get better with time. *cyber hug*
Lishy Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 Sedge I have this feeling that he knew you were too good for him and felt you would soon see the real him and push him off his pedestal Baby you need to get some help for your issues as you are you own worst enemy and it must be bloody awful. You can get help darling! Ps ... I am loving your profile pics and you cant be feeling as bad as you was because you would never show your face a while ago! Good on you babe you are gorgeous and unique and a beautiful person inside and out!
Author sedgwick Posted April 7, 2008 Author Posted April 7, 2008 (edited) Meh, I was tired of looking at the old pic. It was taken just a few days after he broke up with me, at a Middle Eastern music and dance festival, and I had to stop crying long enough to be perform and be photographed. I'm okay but I'm nothing on his old gfs. For one thing, they're all bone skinny. He told me I was the first gf he'd ever had with boobs. He was always all over the boobs, in fact, but of course he was just pretending to be attracted to me all along...grrrrrrrrr!!! God, I can't believe I thought he really was attracted to me, I'm so f*cking stupid!!!!!!! So yeah, all his exes had waaaaaayyy better bodies. Stick skinny, no curves, bones showing, etc. The kind of girls all guys fantasize about. In fact, it took me a long time to get up the nerve to talk to him because I have so much T&A and I felt insecure about that. I really didn't think he would find me attractive. And then when he pretended to -- which I guess was just to teach me a lesson -- I was SO thrilled! But I've seen the movie Dogfight, how could I not have known what was going on?! Sometimes I'm really slow. And yes, the fact that I was not a musician was the only reason I was given for the breakup. I was always encouraging him to go on tour when he didn't feel like it, telling him what a great musician he was and how much joy he brought to people, and how proud of him I was for what he did, but he just didn't care about what I did. Dancing, writing, knitting, and making films was just not enough for him. He needed me to be, specifically, an old-time fiddle player, like his previous two gfs before me. That's what I'm saying: I as I am was just not good enough. It didn't matter how much I loved him. He needed me to be an old-time musician in order to be able to love me -- except that he was with me for a year and told me he loved me several times (again: Dogfight. I'm sure he and his friends had some really good laughs at my expense while we were together! Oh god, I can't imagine.) Anyway, I guess he just got bored with it after a while, even though I tried so hard to keep his interest. (Yes, bellydancing naked for him is amongst the things I tried. Even if it's ugly, at least I can shake it. I am humiliated when I think about how repulsed he must have been. He lied to me and told me he liked it -- that must have been so hard for him to do.) There is no way whatsoever that he thought I was too good for him. Of that I am 100% certain. Edited April 7, 2008 by sedgwick
kymberann Posted April 8, 2008 Posted April 8, 2008 HI Sedge, This makes me wonder who else in your life has told you you are not good enough? Just think about it, why do you have to compare yourself to anyone elses standards? And yes, the fact that I was not a musician was the only reason I was given for the breakup That is a weak excuse for his inadequacies, not yours! His issues not yours! One day you will see this pain and torment is just not worth the time! He took the easy way out, played the blame game and you are still feeding in to it by feeling this way. It will happen, you will get through this and realize he is just not worth the stress for you anymore. When you are ready though! Have you read the reason season lifetime poem? PM me please if you are interested. It has helped me sort out some emotional/relational issues Best, Kim
MoonlightLover Posted April 8, 2008 Posted April 8, 2008 (edited) Okay, I need one paragraph to complain, and then I'll stop. I am so depressed. I get more depressed by the day. I'm not eating well. I'm not sleeping well. Pretty much all I've done all weekend is lie in bed. I feel totally paralyzed to work on my book because nothing really excites me anymore now that he's gone. I've been trying to pretend it does, and that I'm okay, but I'm not. I am seriously depressed. I'm scared to leave my apartment for fear of running into him. (I do it anyway, but it's very difficult.) I dream about him more or less every night. I miss him so much it feels like he's hanging from my ribs. I feel like my sexuality is completely shut down, along with my ability to trust. It's been almost 9 months now and all I'm doing is getting through the day. I'm accomplishing stuff but it's hollow. All I want is the love of my life back. But my love was completely useless to him, disposable. He decided, for some reason, to ignore me. I am tormented by thoughts of who he might be with, I feel like I've been punched in the gut, I have no energy, I'm dragging myself through the day, and I see no end in sight. I have no desire to meet new people; that's just not possible for me right now. I'm scared to go to parties or large gatherings of any sort for fear I might see him or someone who knows him. I have had my love thrown back in my face and that makes me feel too humiliated to go out and meet people -- what if I burdened someone else with my regard? What if someone else had to let me down gently? I don't want to put anyone else in that position. Okay, I'm done. Well, I'm not, but I'm stopping. Lovie, this time dear is for YOU...all about you not finding someone new...you've made it 9 months....you're almost at a year...gets easier after that. What i mean about this time being for you...it is about sitting down and thinking about the things you want to achieve and do...no matter how tiny...if you've seen a hairstyle on someone and you though 'oh thats quite nice' then go get it done...if you fancy bungee jumping then go for it....fancy working abroad go for it. Right now as much change as you can make to you and your life which makes you feel good, all new and fresh for a new start then go for it. Just reached my 2yrs 1month mark since i was dumped by the guy i loved...and being dumped by him was the best thing that's ever happened to me seriously...i've accomplished SO much and on my way to doing so much more and i wouldnt get back with him if he begged me i dont feel anything for him. Hun, so can you. Good luck babe x Edited April 8, 2008 by MoonlightLover
Walking away Posted April 8, 2008 Posted April 8, 2008 Sedg... If you could see yourself through our eyes....
Author sedgwick Posted April 8, 2008 Author Posted April 8, 2008 I can't imagine that you guys could see me as anything but pathetic. I feel like such a loser that I haven't moved on yet. I hope it gets easier after a year. A few years ago I thought I was in love with someone and got my heart broken and now I have no idea what I saw in him, but even though I pined for him for a while, it was very clear that he was not a good person and being with him was not a good idea. 9 months after him I was dating someone else -- not for very long, and casually, but still. I was able to kiss another guy after 9 months. With this one, I feel like I learned what real love was, and I just don't want anyone but him. In a way I am sort of itching to live abroad again. I think I may shoot the film, finish editing the first book, and do the book tour -- which should take about 18 months all told -- and then move to Mexico, write the second book, study native dance, and stay there until I'm totally fluent in Spanish.
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