whereisthelight Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 OW, how do you feel when your MM still is connected to his W? In terms of when they talk to each other, email each other, share children? How do you feel if you knew that he was still helping her with stuff? How about that he could end the divorce just by signing the papers that have been ready for quite some time and he doesn't.
SoleMate Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 You may not get many answers because I believe most OW want to AVOID asking themselves these questions.
InvisibleGirl Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 I've gotten the line that they are like brother and sister living in the same house. Clearly there are communication issues between them or there wouldnt be a need for another woman in his life (me). Obvioulsy they talk but I'm pretty sure there is little to no romance anymore but he'll never leave. Its too bad he can't have whatever it is he is looking for all in one place.
CallMeCrazy Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 Above all I'd say listen to that little voice inside you... I'm going through a similar situation right now with my MM. He's been seperated from his W since Dec. 31. I could not understand why he hadn't filed for divorce and neither had his W... his answer was he was letting her do it so it didn't seem like he "abandoned" the family. She was supposed to do it on March 31. He moved back in with her on March 30 "for their kids". Now he's saying he was weak and his kids were tearing him up inside because he couldn't be with them... Now supposidly he is moving back out.... I got the same "brother sister" reference when I asked how things were between them when they were together... I don't know what to believe anymore, but I'm not holding my breath. I feel sick over the whole thing. Hang in there... and keep up with your own life. You are the only one who has control over where you go from here. Don't let it get you down!! xoxo
Adunaphel Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 Are they legally separated? If not, did they agree about living separated lives and seeing other people?
OWoman Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 OW, how do you feel when your MM still is connected to his W? In terms of when they talk to each other, email each other, share children? How do you feel if you knew that he was still helping her with stuff? How about that he could end the divorce just by signing the papers that have been ready for quite some time and he doesn't. The only contact my MM has with his W is through their lawyers, as they hammer out the financial settlement for the divorce. When he picks up the kids she makes sure she's out, and likewise he drops them at school and she picks them up there so that they never have to come face to face. If she does email him or send him a letter it gets forwarded straight to his lawyer - he has filters on his email so the mail gets forwarded and deleted, he doesn't even know it's arrived - and he rejects her calls, ignores her voicemails and if she persists, refers it to his lawyer to instruct her lawyer to lay off and follow agreed channels of communication. They were working together on a project that wasn't quite complete at the time of the split - he has completed his bit in isolation and sent it directly to the client, advising them of the split and asking that they communicate directly with her, and only with her, as he is withdrawing from the project. So no more "helping her" with anything - she stands or falls on her own merits now. As for signing the divorce papers - his lawyer is chasing her lawyer to get her to hurry up with the financial settlement so that the divorce can be sewn up quickly. For everyone's sake, including the children, who want the custody matter settled so that they're not pawns in some power battle. Not sure if those answers were what you were looking for?
Lizzie60 Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 OW, how do you feel when your MM still is connected to his W? In terms of when they talk to each other, email each other, share children? How do you feel if you knew that he was still helping her with stuff? How about that he could end the divorce just by signing the papers that have been ready for quite some time and he doesn't. As far as I'm concerned.. I know he's connected to his W and it's OK with me.. They can share emails, kids, food, sex.. for all I care..
OWoman Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 As far as I'm concerned.. I know he's connected to his W and it's OK with me.. They can share emails, kids, food, sex.. for all I care.. Yeah, when I was in serial OW mode I RELIED on that connection! There was no way I wanted any of my MMs to transfer that to me! Let the W take care of all that, TYVM! (And, slightest hint of a divorce, and I was gone!)
used2saynvr Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 (edited) speaking as an OW without children currently (still too early to know/preg test), I feel pretty bad. As a matter of fact, these were my thoughts on Saturday. It was about 7 o' clock. It was a beautiful evening. I found myself thinking about what he was probably doing at that moment. I didn't have to think long or hard. I knew he was probably cozied up on the sofa with his wife, and their kid romping around the living room. This slapped me so hard in the face. Not that she didn't deserve to be happy. Because she does. But that I was unhappy. I'm getting the scraps of his time and attention. He loves this woman (I'm assuming). He doesn't love me. She probably feels safe and secure. Loved and adored being held by him in their lovely home. While I, just a few miles away, was lonely and missing him, yet knowing he couldn't and shouldn't be here with me. That was pretty darn sad. I felt voluntarily used. He is using me for what he is lacking in his relationship, be it communication, sex, reassurance, whatever. I was using him to make myself feel better and to cure my loneliness and quench my appetite a gorgeous man. But the difference is I would take him into my heart and love him and enter a relationship with him. I can't say he feels the same. 9 to 1, he doesn't. So that is why I end up feeling used. And pathetic (if you really want to know the truth). Anyway, that's how I feel, to answer your question. Edited April 7, 2008 by used2saynvr
MimiMe Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 As far as I'm concerned.. I know he's connected to his W and it's OK with me.. They can share emails, kids, food, sex.. for all I care.. So you all should move in and save on bills! Hey it works for some...
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 OW, how do you feel when your MM still is connected to his W? In terms of when they talk to each other, email each other, share children? How do you feel if you knew that he was still helping her with stuff? How about that he could end the divorce just by signing the papers that have been ready for quite some time and he doesn't. It's his family. He doesn't want to abandon them. His marriage is over but that doesn't mean that his fatherhood or his responsibilities are. I welcome open communication with him and his W because that means he sees his children and they're happy and thus he is happy. He wouldn't be the person I fell in love with if he just simply abandoned them.
Author whereisthelight Posted April 8, 2008 Author Posted April 8, 2008 Above all I'd say listen to that little voice inside you... I'm going through a similar situation right now with my MM. He's been seperated from his W since Dec. 31. My advise to you is to move on and not to let him play you. But I will tell you this about my situation. We've been seperated for some time now. He does not live with me. He just does unusual things sometimes. I believe if I was the OW, which is now his official girlfriend, I would not feel comfortable with the things that he does for me,*his W.* If I were the OW...I wouldn't feel comfortable that i haven't met his child. I wouldn't feel comfortable that he would be running to her house to do stuff around the house. I certainly wouldn't feel comfortable with him helping her with personal stuff. .. That's just how I would feel if the shoe where on the other foot. SO, i guess that's why i asked. is that normal? for an stbx to be so helpful? I still have feelings for him, (i know..can you believe it?) and I don't want my feelings for him to interpret his actions for me. I wanted to know from the "OW -now official girlfriend" point of view, how you would feel?
GreenEyedLady Posted April 8, 2008 Posted April 8, 2008 OW, how do you feel when your MM still is connected to his W? In terms of when they talk to each other, email each other, share children? How do you feel if you knew that he was still helping her with stuff? How about that he could end the divorce just by signing the papers that have been ready for quite some time and he doesn't. I haven't run into this problem at all... If you are going through this, I suggest walking away... It's just another stalling tactic... Focus on you and your needs...Because apparently he's not... (((HUGS)))
OWoman Posted April 8, 2008 Posted April 8, 2008 We've been seperated for some time now. He does not live with me. He just does unusual things sometimes. I believe if I was the OW, which is now his official girlfriend, I would not feel comfortable with the things that he does for me,*his W.* If I were the OW...I wouldn't feel comfortable that i haven't met his child. I wouldn't feel comfortable that he would be running to her house to do stuff around the house. I certainly wouldn't feel comfortable with him helping her with personal stuff. .. That's just how I would feel if the shoe where on the other foot. SO, i guess that's why i asked. is that normal? for an stbx to be so helpful? I still have feelings for him, (i know..can you believe it?) and I don't want my feelings for him to interpret his actions for me. I wanted to know from the "OW -now official girlfriend" point of view, how you would feel? I'm not the possessive kind, so it honestly wouldn't faze me in the slightest. But of more interest would be his motives - is he doing this out of a sense of guilt? Residual affection and loyalty? Confusion? If he's unable to make a clean break and move on, if I was his GF I'd send him off for counselling to sort out where he stands on that. If he's not yet done with the M, he needs to go back (if the W is willing) and give it another shot until he's either worked through it and IS done, or they're back together (or she's done, and booted him out, and he has to come to terms with that). If he was just hanging around being "nice" trying to appease his own sense of guilt, I'd pack him off for counselling too. But if it was some abiding affection, given that he once loved the W enough to marry her, and still loved his child/ren, and was helping out to make things easier for them in the period of adjustment, I'd encourage that as I think constructive and amicable relationships are best for the kids as well as the adults involved.
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