Catwomannn Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 Okay, this is crazy...I am a single mom of two boys...been dating a really cool guy for about 7-8 months now. He has a co-worker that is a lesbian and apparently they have had some "joking" conversations about him someday being the bio-dad of her and her partner's baby. I said to him "Why don't they just go to a sperm bank?" he said "Well it's not like I would have to sleep with her -haha" . I still feel weird about this.....Should I?
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 I would feel weird about this too! I'm all for gays being parents and all, but I don't think I would want to be this close to the action. If he chooses to do this, then that is is kid, whether he parents it or not. I wonder what kind of arrangement they would have in that regard? Would he be involved in the child's life, and if so, to how much extent? I would try to sit down and talk to him seriously about this. If he is not willing to discuss this with you, or if he goes ahead and makes a decision unilaterally, then you will have to figure out it this is the person you really want to be with.
Author Catwomannn Posted April 6, 2008 Author Posted April 6, 2008 I guess he thinks that he can just be a sperm donor and then not have any involvement with the kid...I don't know. It is weird because he would still be working with her obviously etc...etc. I told him last night that I definitely would not approve if he did that and he said...well it's just a JOKE between us...but still....
Lizzie60 Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 Okay, this is crazy...I am a single mom of two boys...been dating a really cool guy for about 7-8 months now. He has a co-worker that is a lesbian and apparently they have had some "joking" conversations about him someday being the bio-dad of her and her partner's baby. I said to him "Why don't they just go to a sperm bank?" he said "Well it's not like I would have to sleep with her -haha" . I still feel weird about this.....Should I? How does he intend to be the bio dad and not sleep with her?
Marin Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 How does he intend to be the bio dad and not sleep with her? There is a woman at work who has 2 kids and in a committed relationship for 14 years with another woman, they picked a male friend as the bio-dad, and no one had to sleep with him, they insert the sperm medically. The kids are now aged 8 and 10 (a boy and a girl). Wonderful children and the lesbian parents are still together. The kids don't know that their bio-dad is their bio-dad. He is a family friend. They might tell the kids later. Hey if this guy wants to help these ladies out, why not? This untraditional family I know of is very close, financially stable (actually financially booming, one is a teacher where I work, the other owns a business and makes tons of money), own a house, they are great people and very dedicated to their kids who do great in school and are very active in sports and other activities. Great kids. If this guy is willing to help them out, he is generous and you might just have a gem on your hands with this guy.
Lizzie60 Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 Well.. I don't see anything worst than being a surrogate mother.. but if I were the lesbians I would choose a sperm bank for the anonymity and not wondering about the 'rights' of the bio dad.. That's a very sensitive and touchy thing.. I wouldn't want my bf to father a child.. he'd be out in a second..
InLimbo2 Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 How does he intend to be the bio dad and not sleep with her? the same way millions of artificial inseminations take place
Marin Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 Well.. I don't see anything worst than being a surrogate mother.. but if I were the lesbians I would choose a sperm bank for the anonymity and not wondering about the 'rights' of the bio dad.. That's a very sensitive and touchy thing.. I wouldn't want my bf to father a child.. he'd be out in a second.. I don't understand why. The arrangement with my friend works beautifully. The bio-dad isn't involved with the kids's lives other than 'family friend.' He doesn't spend a lot of time with them and is not financially responsible. So if this guy has a girlfriend (which I don't know his personal details, he could be married for all I know) how would it affect her in any way? The girlfriend would not be a 'surrogate mother' at all.
carhill Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 I still feel weird about this.....Should I? Sure. It's called not having all the information. I suggest, if this is important ("joking" is a social lubricant here IMO) to your dating partner (I'm unclear if he's more to you) and he is important to you, that you educate yourself about the medical and legal nuances of it and make an informed decision about your perspective. Don't jump to conclusions without all the information. Why not just tell him you'd like to meet this couple as it sounds like he's more than just a business colleague of one of them? Couldn't hurt
Marin Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 I also have to add that you have been 'dating' this guy for 7 to 8 months. It's not like you're engaged or in a committed relationship, so if it really is something he is considering and not just joking with the ladies about, then it's not your place to say anything to him that it bothers you. When it comes down to it, it's his life and his decision. Now if you were engaged or married, yes, you could have a right to express your viewpoint and concerns but if you don't want him to think you're a nag or controlling, I would just stay out of it if I were you. If he brings it up, I would say something like "That is flattering that they would choose you to be a father of their potential children." That is kind of a neutral statement which has the bonus of complimenting him at the same time! Easy breezy! IF you want this guy to stick around, don't make it tough on him.
carhill Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 The "single mom of two boys" might be a factor. OP, is this relationship exclusive?
Author Catwomannn Posted April 6, 2008 Author Posted April 6, 2008 Yeah, our relationship is exclusive... Also he has told me if I were to get pregnant, I would need to have an abortion!!! Yet he is willing to help another couple get pregnant??? So he can do what he wants but I can't do what I want??? What gives?
Marin Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 Yeah, our relationship is exclusive... Also he has told me if I were to get pregnant, I would need to have an abortion!!! Yet he is willing to help another couple get pregnant??? So he can do what he wants but I can't do what I want??? What gives? Ultimately it would be your choice to have an abortion or not and he would have to be financially responsible for the child whether he liked it or not. I personally would stop seeing a man if he made that comment. As far as the lesbian couple, however, like I said, he wouldn't have any financial or other responsibility for that child, being the 'bio' father, so that is a separate issue and wouldn't really affect your relationship at all.
carhill Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 That dichotomy is a mind game. He's responsible for his reproductive behavior. If he does not want children, but wishes to contribute sperm for this couple, he should extract some, have it frozen for them should they so wish to use it, and then have a vasectomy. That's what a responsible man would do. No birth control method is absolutely efficacious, but the odds of a pregnancy (and resultant D&C) are greatly reduced by the male getting a vasectomy. I know this is old news to you, but maybe dating partner (I would opine BF myself) needs to hear it
InLimbo2 Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 In the case of a lesbian couple using a friend for sperm donation, it's done as a contract - the male donor has no parental rights and he also has no child support obligation. With you - he'd have that obligation. Alto I vaguely recall a recent case where this happened, the lesbian couple split up, and the bio mother filed for child support from the donor. Yeah, our relationship is exclusive... Also he has told me if I were to get pregnant, I would need to have an abortion!!! Yet he is willing to help another couple get pregnant??? So he can do what he wants but I can't do what I want??? What gives?
Lizzie60 Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 Yeah, our relationship is exclusive... Also he has told me if I were to get pregnant, I would need to have an abortion!!! Yet he is willing to help another couple get pregnant??? So he can do what he wants but I can't do what I want??? What gives? Huh???? and you accept that!!!! I would kick this jerk to the curb.. what an idiot.. sorry but he has absolutely no respect for you..
InLimbo2 Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 why would his only choice be to have a vasectomy? Perhaps he wants children at some point, just not now? or not with his current gf? That dichotomy is a mind game. He's responsible for his reproductive behavior. If he does not want children, but wishes to contribute sperm for this couple, he should extract some, have it frozen for them should they so wish to use it, and then have a vasectomy. That's what a responsible man would do. No birth control method is absolutely efficacious, but the odds of a pregnancy (and resultant D&C) are greatly reduced by the male getting a vasectomy. I know this is old news to you, but maybe dating partner (I would opine BF myself) needs to hear it
carhill Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 Vasectomies can be successfully reversed, and the success rate is increasing with technological improvements. The OP's statement of the BF's intentions to control her reproductive behavior indicate to me that he appears to not consider himself personally responsible, hence my suggestion BTW, for the record, I am a man and would love to have children but am unable to. Hope that clarifies my perspective...
TheFonz Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 Yeah, our relationship is exclusive... Also he has told me if I were to get pregnant, I would need to have an abortion!!! Yet he is willing to help another couple get pregnant??? So he can do what he wants but I can't do what I want??? What gives? This guy isn't joking. He wants to impregnate a woman but not have to financially support or help raise the child. I would never donate my sperm to a woman. I demand commitment and devotion to get it .
TheFonz Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 While I think he should have mutual control or say over his partners reproduction choices. I agree with you catwoman, this is weird. It'd be different if he just wanted to anonymously donate his sperm to an anonymous woman. But thefact that they know each other is different. He just wants to be the one to knock up this lesbian as long as he doesn't have to have any financial or father responsibilities.
InLimbo2 Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 I'm a woman - I am not 'fixed' - but my SO had a vasectomy last September when we decided we were together forever and we didn't want to risk an accident. Most men have no problem but sore boys for a week or so - he had major complications and it took MONTHS until he was pretty much better. I would never expect a man that hadn't made a lifetime commitment to me to have a vasectomy. Yes - they can sometimes be reversed - but they are very clear you should consider it permanent as it may not be able to be reversed. I see a MAJOR difference between being a sperm donor and having no obligation and fathering a child with a SO where he'd have obligations. I had that convo with my SO (before he had the V) - what would we do if I got pregnant. We discussed the options - we agreed we'd terminate. He acknowledged that it is my body and ultimately would be my choice. He opted to trust that I would keep to our agreement - and that if I didn't - he'd have obligations. I appreciated that he was honest with me regarding his expectations - direct open honest discussion - that's what adults do. Vasectomies can be successfully reversed, and the success rate is increasing with technological improvements. The OP's statement of the BF's intentions to control her reproductive behavior indicate to me that he appears to not consider himself personally responsible, hence my suggestion BTW, for the record, I am a man and would love to have children but am unable to. Hope that clarifies my perspective...
InLimbo2 Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 There are quite a few gay/lesbian couples who use friends/relatives to create a baby as egg or sperm donor. Think it was David Crosby was the most famously known - and that was quite a few years ago. While I think he should have mutual control or say over his partners reproduction choices. I agree with you catwoman, this is weird. It'd be different if he just wanted to anonymously donate his sperm to an anonymous woman. But thefact that they know each other is different. He just wants to be the one to knock up this lesbian as long as he doesn't have to have any financial or father responsibilities.
TheFonz Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 There are quite a few gay/lesbian couples who use friends/relatives to create a baby as egg or sperm donor. Think it was David Crosby was the most famously known - and that was quite a few years ago. Doesn't mean anyone else necessarily has to agree with doing it. I probably wouldn't do it. Actually I don't think it should be a big deal to catwoman. If my girl wanted to give her eggs to a gay guy friend, I couldn't careless. To each their own.
InLimbo2 Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 I was responding to the following point - about non-stranger donations: But thefact that they know each other is different. He just wants to be the one to knock up this lesbian as long as he doesn't have to have any financial or father responsibilities.
TheFonz Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 I was responding to the following point - about non-stranger donations: But thefact that they know each other is different. He just wants to be the one to knock up this lesbian as long as he doesn't have to have any financial or father responsibilities. OK, and you said it's common and I explained why men would commonly want to do this.
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