CarmenC Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 (edited) My husband and I had what seemed to be a great marriage. Little did I know that insecurities and issues buried long before I met him would begin to emerge deep into our marriage. Almost 10 years ago, after 13 years of marriage he sought out someone to have an affair with. As cliche as it may sound she came in the form of a foreign nanny. An unmarried friend of my husband's was dating another nanny from the same country, this is how they met. I worked in another town, so the affair took place during lunch hours. We moved to another state 3 months after the affair began. This was a planned job transfer. Soon after the move he confessed about the affair. He wasn't very remorseful and admitted to being in love with the woman. He said he would give her up if I didn't leave. I stayed for the children and as the years progressed our marriage actually mended, and the wounded feeling began to leave. Fast forward to last year. My husband and I decided to work together on a small online business project part-time. I did most of the work setting the business up and out of the blue my husband announces he has begun his own company. I was devasted since it is hard enough working a business with two people let alone one. Soon he found an expert that could help. This was the woman he had an affair with. So I wouldn't become suspicious the three of us went to dinner so I could meet her!!!!! Tons of money went into the company which in essence was a cover for the affair. When everything came out I was ready to leave. I even signed separation paperwork. He begged and promised to go to counseling and was an emotional wreck. I very reluctantly agreed to stay. Counseling did uncover lots of issues, we spoke more openly about these issues. I was still devastated. I truly feel as though I can never really depend or trust him. Although, this affair was so different from the last, in that he was broken up over what a sickening thing he did both times. I now find it hard to completely forgive. Here's the clincher, last week I couldn't sleep, went to the computer and saw an email account I didn't recognize. It contained love notes. I was so overcome with shock I began to shake. I couldn't read further. I ran around the house to find him and found him in the garage organizing around 2 in the morning. I told him what I saw and demanded he admit what was going on. He didn't and was adamant he had no other accounts. He went to his computer and clicked before I could get to it and everything disappeared. Of course he said he didn't see anything. I feel like such a fool. Despite all the wrong he has done, I want him to be okay if I left, our kids need that. I am so torn up about how this will impact the rest of our families. I always think of others first, a good quality that is very bad in this case. Edited April 6, 2008 by CarmenC typo
OldEurope Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 Dear Carmen, There comes a time when you are giving so much of yourself putting others first that one day you wake up and you have no Self left. Do not go this route. You are going to explode with frustration one day. It is time to focus on you because your husband has made a farce of your trust, your values and your dedication. I believe, in my humble opinion as they say, that it is time to go. You will have a break down in this kind of situation. He is almost playing mind games (the email incident). Why should you live like this. Why. For kids? Why? To destroy yourself in the process? Is this child-rearing? No. Children need whops of love and self confidence. But you know, so do adults. I think at the very least you should separate. Let him come to you, if you still wish to continue with him. He will continue as he is doing because he can xo OE
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