Nc??? !!!!

[justine4]

Ok, bit of a long story, but please read & help me out here....

 

I ended it with my LDR bf a couple of weeks ago after he started becoming a little more distant. Not when we're together (we see each other every weekend) but when we're apart he starts worrying about things and going through things i've said or done, and drives himself have mad with this.

Trust isn't an issue. We both know we can trust each other 100% and of how much love is involved. Neither of us is interested in anyone else.

However, I have 2 children & my own house & good job. He lives at home & has every reason in the world to excuse why (hes 37) this is the case, even though he is unhappy & wants to move out. The basic line is he is scared of failure i think in life (he knows it himself) and finds he can only handle things if they're familiar territory.

Thats where the probs have occurred in our relationship.

In his mind, hes had us moved in 2getha and thought about all the problems we could come up against. He worries about everything. Ok, I know some fears are normal, but believe me, this is beyond 'normal'.

Anyway, since hes been thinking like this, his behaviour has changed. He says he loves me more than anything, would love for us to be together all the time for the rest of our lives, and he is crazy about me. He even said he'd like to have a baby with me.

I ended it a couple of weeks ago & told him if he gets over this,then i know we could go forward, but, if we wheren't going to, then for him not to txt or ring me. He lasted 2 hrs before he txted asking me to give him another chance. That he will give it 100% &try not being scared as he knows its holding him back in life.

Anyway, he pursuaded me to go away for a few days, which we did and things where relaxed &back to how it had been. However, as we drove back to his home, you could see the apprehension on his face. Then the following day I got a txt saying he wasn't coming up at the weekend.

I then got another txt in the early hours of sunday morning last weekend asking if we're both taking a step back. Anyway, we decided to end it. Again!

But 5 mins later I got a txt saying he loves me sooo much & he'll remember all of it & he'll always be there for me.

That evening i get a text saying i was his rock and he was missing me like crazy. I didn't text him back then he sent another asking for us to get back again.

Anyway, 2cut a long story a little bit shorter, I said we cud &arranged 2meet nxt FRiday. However,hes still distant then we spoke this morn & he says he is maybe in better frame of mind (i recommended cognitive therapy 2help him with how he sees things) and could manage better now if we end it. Although he is coming up nxt Friday to talk.

HELP!!! I haven't done the NC & think by being there 2talk 2 &txt, i've somehow cushioned the blow to us ending.

Does this sound mad???? Any help would be appreciated as my heart is breaking. I love this man to pieces...

[sedona]

Ok, let me get this straight. You love him. He loves you. You trust each other and there's no question of anyone else being involved here.

What is it that you want out of this? Do you want to be together with this man? If so, then how do you see the relationship improving? From this one post, it sounds to me like your guy is suffering from a severe case of insecurity and low self-esteem. Maybe he's convinced himself that you're going to one day dump him and so he distances himself from you before you get the chance. But because he loves you, he comes back and the cycle starts again. Like a game of ping pong. I would guess that this is driving you nuts and that things just can't continue like this. You have to think about what you need to continue with him and tell him. But be prepared for him to say no.

 

When you suggested therapy, what did he say? To me, that sounds like an awful good starting point.

[stlnsmile]

Okay, I am going to be a bit harsh here, but it is only because I care. You say you love this man to bits, but bail on him when he struggles with an issue like fear???? I mean what about supporting him, trying to help him through it? I'm not saying that character flaws can not be extremely hard to deal with, expecially when someone is holding themselves back, and you are trying to move forward......I understand, but people are just so impatient with others flaws. Have you suggested therapy to him, have you been patient and waited? It seems like you got fed up and bolted, understandable, but its a bit controlling as well. Deal with this issue in my time frame or I'm leaving......I mean that would scare the cr** out of me......I have issues, everyone does, its a result of our upbringing, people who love each other should try to help each other. I guess I'm just saying it seems a bit rash, like you moved a bit too quickly on this one. Did you talk it out with him? Tell him what was so hard for you and what needed to change before you left? I mean in essance, you are just perpetuating his fears that good things do not happen to him. That you'll be another one of those bad, unsafe things that he can not rely on.......is that what you want to be to this man that you say you love to bits.

 

I don't get it, and I know I sound unsupportive, but I am not trying to be unsupportive, I understand that this stuff can be really scary, when you think someone is never going to change and live a life of mediocrity and you don't want to be in that......and there is truth in that too. I mean at some point if your life goals are sooooo different and you know that you can not help this person see, or assist them in change, like through therapy etc..., then ending it could be the best thing, and maybe you were at that point....IDK? I just want you to take a long look before loosing someone you obviously care about???? Why don't you meet with him and tell him the truth.....and I mean the bold, scary truth, that your afraid he's going to live this way forever and its not what you want, and if he wants to try to work on himself, you will try to be patient????

[stlnsmile]

Sorry, didn't see the part about therapy, and thats good, so sorry for being harsh, but in caring...... It seems if you have suggested that, then if he is willing, you just have to be patient, if he is unwilling, then you may have to move on?

[justine4]

I really do want to make it work. Believe me, it took me 5 weeks of thinking his behaviour and distance maybe could improve. It was only at the end of that I said I was uncomfortable with how it was going. Far from being that I was giving up on him - I've even told him I'd go to the cognative therapy with him and am more than comfortable being there for him and by his side, coz I know, if it works, it'll change the way he handles his life (playing it safe, like living at home with his mum even though he doesn't like it, its less scary than moving out, but also he'd be scared of failing if he did).

I don't want to give up on this. Its breaking my heart. Every minute its going through my mind and I know it his too.

I think he has a big dose of insecurity and he does tend to withdraw from situations he is uncomfortable with. Its so strange as he is a wonderful, honest, good looking, friendly man. To look at him you wouldnt think he'd have anything to be insecure about. But he was bullied years ago, and in his circle of friends would be classed the 'least sucessful' as they're all high achievers and he isn't. That doesn't matter to me.

Hes worth far more as a wonderful human being that all of his friends put together.

I just can't make sense of why losing someone you feel so much for is the better option than to face your fear. I know nothing in life is concrete, but better to try and see how things go, than to end whenever things have been fantastic.

I do believe its a type of illness though. Its so delibilitating. But he has signed up for the cognative therapy, but i think he feels super vulnerable having opened upto me and for me to have seen his 'weaknesses', and by me overcompensating by being super understanding and willing to stick around, I think he may see it erring on desperation. Its not - just FRUSTRATION!!

Its such a waste. It would be more understandable if the feelings weren't so strong, or there was violence, infidelity etc involved. To lose the relationship because of his 'almost' self-destructive behaviour just seems like madness to me...

[sedona]

I guess that you can't understand because you don't feel and react the same way as him. You're simply a different person, and it's not possible for him to see himself as you see him. That's terrific that he's starting therapy! Just remember that therapy isn't magic. He has to do the work and it takes time.

[justine4]

I guess that you can't understand because you don't feel and react the same way as him. You're simply a different person, and it's not possible for him to see himself as you see him. That's terrific that he's starting therapy! Just remember that therapy isn't magic. He has to do the work and it takes time.

 

You're exactly right. I have a friend who had a 4yr relationship with a guy with severe mental problems, due to problems he'd had in the past (not with women but life in general). I saw her go from one of the most confident women into a mess, trying to second guess and read his behaviour.

 

Its hardwork and he is aware it may take time. I'm thinking thats the reason why he asked me this morning why I'd be prepared to hang around and still be there when he has this stuff all to go through.

 

However, the way I see it, if he had a physical condition - I wouldn't think twice about staying and seeing that through with him. Its whats going around his head, all the negative thinking he does, that needs sorting.

 

I have read (a massive amount!) on the net about things to try and understand the best way to cope with all this. I don't want us to end. It seems all so pointless.

 

He's coming up on Friday so we can talk, but I don't hold too much hope out.

 

He hasn't ever opened up to anyone about his feelings and private things that have happened to him, and I think its making him feel very vulnerable and easier (not a good choice of words) to resort back to his usual coping mechanism of retreating into himself -even if he isn't happy with it.

 

Men hey???

[Far Behind]

That was a pattern with mine...he would expose his vulnerability and get close, then get scared and bail. I wanted to hang with him and help him while I worked on me, too, but he is incapable of doing what it takes. I thought we could sort of help/fix each other. Running away like a frightened little boy was easier for him. His loss...and he wouldn't even think about going to counseling, because I asked. He said he is too stubborn. Another way of saying I won't change.

 

I hope things work out for you.

[justine4]

That was a pattern with mine...he would expose his vulnerability and get close, then get scared and bail. I wanted to hang with him and help him while I worked on me, too, but he is incapable of doing what it takes. I thought we could sort of help/fix each other. Running away like a frightened little boy was easier for him. His loss...and he wouldn't even think about going to counseling, because I asked. He said he is too stubborn. Another way of saying I won't change.

 

I hope things work out for you.

 

Thanks for your good wishes. I have my fingers (and toes!) crossed.

 

I know its a big step him doing the therapy. Deep down he knows he has issues with how he looks at things in life. Letting me get past the 'front' that everyone else gets to see was a step forward. However, it seems to have taken a step back as, like you say, they expose their vulnerability and then get scared.

 

Its such a shame they can't see that the vulnerability is a good thing. Not something that we will use to our advantage, but something that makes us feel even closer and more special to them.

 

I just wish I could get this across. I've been EXTRA patient with him. If it wasn't for the fact I know its not a lack of feelings or messing me about but a real and genuine problem he has with life in general, I would've given up by now. But I know what we have had and what we could have -if he can come through this. I don't want to make him sound like I pity him here - far from it, I applaud him for taking the first step with the therapy.