britchick Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 (edited) Hi Everyone, I've had a terrible night and can't stop shaking. The night before last my partner of 11 years, got home from visiting his parents, got in the shower (at eleven at night) and then promptly realised, he had left his wallet at their house and said he was going to pick it up. I said fine, gave him a kiss goodbye, but thought it was a bit odd. When I woke up in the morning he was asleep on the sofa, it seemed that he hadn't got in until the early hours of the morning. When I asked him about it he said he had got talking to his dad who was a bit low. Last night while I was tidying up I heard him on the phone in our bedroom, being a bit suspicious about the night before and knowing he has recently been back in touch with an old female school friend (who I even asked him to invite round for a meal!) I listened at the door. The tone he was using and things he was saying sounded very familiar, not the way you would talk to a friend, I carried on listening until I heard, 'Can I ask you something, you don't regret last night do you?' I couldn't hear her reply but he replied, 'No, it's just that you'd had a couple of drinks' He then talked about her house, I had no idea he even knew where she lived. At that point he must have heard my heart pounding in my chest, I felt so sick, because he said hang on a minute and came to the door, where he saw me. His face went white. I told him I'd heard everything he'd said, he laughed and said, 'No you haven't, what do you think you heard?' I told him what I'd heard. We walked back into the bedroom, where he hadn't even hung up the phone, she must have heard all this. He hangs up, when I go to reach for the phone. After some back and forth, you can imagine how it went, 'nothing happened', 'I didn't tell you I was meeting her because I knew how you'd react' (despite me inviting her over & a load of rubbish). I can see in his face that he is desperately trying to think of a reason why he would use the words, 'do you regret last night'. At that point after me asking over and over 'why would you say that unless you were f+++ing her'. He comes up with, she is going to visit her mum tomorrow and there is something she's got to tell her, she's worried about it and she was talking me about it. I was just asking if she regretted telling me. I had to laugh, that is the most lame lie I've ever heard. I told him to go and stay the night somewhere else, he packed a bag all the time saying, nothing happened. I've been up all night, feeling angry, sad, sick, jealous. To top it all she's younger, (and all women's nightmare) thinner than me, I feel like a fat, old used up piece of crap with two kids and I'm desperately trying to hold myself together. I came on here because I cannot face telling 'real people' (no insult intended). I need some good old female support. Part of me so wants to believe what he said, but I know he's lying. I don't know what to do. Perhaps the most soul destroying thing is, the person I want to talk to, to hug me and tell me everything will be ok, is the same person that's betrayed me. Edited April 6, 2008 by britchick
Findingme Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 Hi Everyone, I've had a terrible night and can't stop shaking. The night before last my partner of 11 years, got home from visiting his parents, got in the shower (at eleven at night) and then promptly realised, he had left his wallet at their house and said he was going to pick it up. I said fine, gave him a kiss goodbye, but thought it was a bit odd. When I woke up in the morning he was asleep on the sofa, it seemed that he hadn't got in until the early hours of the morning. When I asked him about it he said he had got talking to his dad who was a bit low. Last night while I was tidying up I heard him on the phone in our bedroom, being a bit suspicious about the night before and knowing he has recently been back in touch with an old female school friend (who I even asked him to invite round for a meal!) I listened at the door. The tone he was using and things he was saying sounded very familiar, not the way you would talk to a friend, I carried on listening until I heard, 'Can I ask you something, you don't regret last night do you?' I couldn't hear her reply but he replied, 'No, it's just that you'd had a couple of drinks' He then talked about her house, I had no idea he even knew where she lived. At that point he must have heard my heart pounding in my chest, I felt so sick, because he said hang on a minute and came to the door, where he saw me. His face went white. I told him I'd heard everything he'd said, he laughed and said, 'No you haven't, what do you think you heard?' I told him what I'd heard. We walked back into the bedroom, where he hadn't even hung up the phone, she must have heard all this. He hangs up, when I go to reach for the phone. After some back and forth, you can imagine how it went, 'nothing happened', 'I didn't tell you I was meeting her because I knew how you'd react' (despite me inviting her over & a load of rubbish). I can see in his face that he is desperately trying to think of a reason why he would use the words, 'do you regret last night'. At that point after me asking over and over 'why would you say that unless you were f+++ing her'. He comes up with, she is going to visit her mum tomorrow and there is something she's got to tell her, she's worried about it and she was talking me about it. I was just asking if she regretted telling me. I had to laugh, that is the most lame lie I've ever heard. I told him to go and stay the night somewhere else, he packed a bag all the time saying, nothing happened. I've been up all night, feeling angry, sad, sick, jealous. To top it all she's younger, (and all women's nightmare) thinner than me, I feel like a fat, old used up piece of crap with two kids and I'm desperately trying to hold myself together. I came on here because I cannot face telling 'real people' (no insult intended). I need some good old female support. Part of me so wants to believe what he said, but I know he's lying. I don't know what to do. Perhaps the most soul destroying thing is, the person I want to talk to, to hug me and tell me everything will be ok, is the same person that's betrayed me. I am so sorry you are going through this, I wish I could give you some great advice and it would make it all better but I can't, I can only say take it a day or a minute at a time, it will get better. I just wanted to send you a cyber hug, and tell you hang in there!PS I take no offence from the "real people" comment because I so totally know what you mean.
Lookingforward Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 So sorry britchick. I think your gut instinct is probably right, especially when you say you recognised his "tone". Please don't beat up on yourself - it has NOTHING to do with her being younger, thinner or anything else you may think of. I know exactly what you mean about the one you need to hug you etc being the one that caused it. {{{hugs}}}}
OldEurope Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 Dear "Chick" (By the way, I love your username...!) I have a saying. Do not get mad, get better. When the situation is as insipid as this (the lying after being caught practically red handed, and yes instinct is always right on) I recommend leaving. I am a big believer in separation as an absolute test of seeing the truth of things in a relationship. Do not let your children be an "obstacle". If you can work out an arrangement to take them with you or to leave them a bit with their father, try that. But you cannot remain a prisoner in your own house. Can you go anywhere to get some mental clarity for a while? And when you do, if there is anything in your appearance which needs a tune up, get on to that as well. I know, I know he is to love you for who you are etc etc etc. But we gals have to stay in the game and it means maintenance maintenance maintenance. For you, above all. Not to "win" him so much as to no longer refer to yourself as a "fat piece of crap". None of that! I know you would like him to hug you and make it all "go away" but "it" doesn't. We can not live through others and we especially cannot expect to live through or with or for those who are so ridiculously callous and shallow. xo OE
LakesideDream Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 Britchick, it's a shame to learn of your discovery, and of your SO's infidelity. There are so few "good" stories in this catagory. You will get advice here that runs the gamet, I will not add to it. I will tell you what happened to me. After 25 years of a sometimes difficult marriage, my now ex admitted to me that she was having an affair with a man she had known for 30 years. At that point I didn't want to be married to her anymore. I continued to "love" her for a short while, I did not want to be near her. In time she moved out, then a year later moved away with him. It was a big burdon lifted from my shoulders. For me it was a combination of shock, saddness, and the humiliation of being a cuckhold all rolled up together. I was through in 48 hours.
AnnaSmitcher Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 God, I'm so sorry for you. I don't know what advice to give you, but I sure do understand what it feels like. He's lucky you didn't throw up on him. I threw up on myself which was totally unsatisfying. I did come to find out that things had gotten inappropriate but hadn't crossed the line, yet anyhow. I hope you find the same and can turn it around. Best of luck to you.
Elilmomma Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 I am very sorry to hear that you have to go through this. I know how you are feeling, I found out about my hubby's affair and it devastated me I got extremely deppressed. Anyway all I could say to you is just take it one day at a time , it does get a little easier over time , but it never goes away it's always on your mind. I wish there was some magical answer to give you. I wouldn't wish this kind of pain and betrayal on anyone it sucks and you feel all alone. Well you have support here and I wish you the best of luck.
Eggplants Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 Just remember that boys will be boys. Has nothing to do with whether she's younger and/or thinner. Guys screw around with skanks every day. Remember Hugh Grant? He was married to beautiful supermodel and actress Elizabeth Hurley and yet he went and got himself a homely fifty dollar street hooker to perform oral on him in the car. Go figure.
Scrivdog Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 Just remember that boys will be boys. Has nothing to do with whether she's younger and/or thinner. Guys screw around with skanks every day. Remember Hugh Grant? He was married to beautiful supermodel and actress Elizabeth Hurley and yet he went and got himself a homely fifty dollar street hooker to perform oral on him in the car. Go figure. Hey - is that your hubby or maybe your ex in your avatar? Rather pulp fiction-esque.
BettyBoop Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 Am so sorry. My mom went through infidelity where my dad denied it and still continues to do. She found proof though, even though OW denied it as well - so don't think OW would tell you the truth even if you tried to phone her as well. *hugs* Am so sorry for your pain, I think you should not let him back in the house until you have decided what to do. If you believe that you both can work things through, then he has to go NC (no contact) with OW and you two need marriage councelling to find out what lead to this - he would need IC for this as well to find out why he can't be faithful. Personally, to me I would never stay with a cheater. Once my trust is gone it cannot be rebuilt, and it will take years and years for it to do...so it's up to you. Believe me though, it's not because she is more beautiful or skinnier. My dad's OW was nothing compared in looks with my mother. It is some need that he has her filling - or perhaps just a midlife crisis (since she is an old high school girl). Either way, you need to decide what to do next. Be one step ahead.
nadiaj2727 Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 BritChick, I am so sorry they did this to you. Even worse is that he lied about it to you when you caught him red handed. He is not to be trusted right now -- he is just going to lie and try to cover it all up. You have to rely on your gut instincts and not let him deceive you anymore. I can't give you much more advice because I have never been in your situation. All I know as a woman is that you have to respect yourself and be strong. I don't know if I'm allowed to recommend another forum on here, but there is one that may help you, called survivinginfidelity. It is specifically for people who have experienced infidelity in their marriage. I'm not saying stop posting here, just that you will be overwhelmed with supportive and helpful responses there, which you might find comforting right now. Best wishes.
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