Love4Eternity Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 hi everyone, its been a while since i have posted but have visited a few times here and there... I am hoping to find some others that can give me advice on how to let go of my mm and to move on? How do i get him out of my heart, off my mind and most importantly gain back control over my life?
showupbutbroken Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 If you figure that out, let me know. It has been a few months for me and I spent the entire evening crying because I missed him so much. Everyone says to get out there and do things and eventually you will forget. That has worked for me in the past but now, I don't even forget him a tiny bit. Let me know the secret!
frannie Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 The best advice I can give is that, you probably won't find it easy to 'forget', or change your feelings. However, you can divert your attention with activities (how dull does that sound!!) AND, which really helps: concentrate not on what you don't want (him, married), but on the things you do want for yourself. Anytime you feel regretful about the past, remind yourself of all the reasons staying with him was hurting, and put your mind on the future you want for yourself. The feelings won't change as such, but you can lessen their impact over time.
child_of_isis Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 I think the term is 'fake it til you make it'. Be aware of your thoughts.
Lookingforward Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 Let me know when you find the "magic pill" Nearly a year later and I still miss him like crazy, and it it still hurts like hell.
nadiaj2727 Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 I agree with the advice to "fake it till you make it" and also remind yourself that that situation is NOT good for you. Every time I missed xMM or felt like I wanted to be with him, I would tell myself "he's married to someone else." I *knew* that no matter how I "felt" about him, I didn't want to be with a married man. It wasn't me. The attraction went away -- in that sense the "he's married" mantra became my magic pill. Good luck.
LakesideDream Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 I agree with the advice to "fake it till you make it" and also remind yourself that that situation is NOT good for you. Every time I missed xMM or felt like I wanted to be with him, I would tell myself "he's married to someone else." I *knew* that no matter how I "felt" about him, I didn't want to be with a married man. It wasn't me. The attraction went away -- in that sense the "he's married" mantra became my magic pill. Good luck. Nidiaj, I don't get it. You were an OW, (married as well?), you know the feelings and situation, yet you don't have it in you to show compassion on my thread? Is it because what's good for you, is not good for others less far into the process than you have been? After reading your various posts, I'm very surprised to discover that you are a hypocrite as well. Or does that all become moot after your affair comes to an end? Just curious.
Mino Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 Nidiaj, I don't get it. You were an OW, (married as well?), you know the feelings and situation, yet you don't have it in you to show compassion on my thread? Is it because what's good for you, is not good for others less far into the process than you have been? After reading your various posts, I'm very surprised to discover that you are a hypocrite as well. Or does that all become moot after your affair comes to an end? Just curious. Hi Lakeside. I have asked nadia that too, but I what I got of it it was her not trying to be mean, it is her way of dealing with her own guilt. I think she has seperated herself from her time as an OW, she remembers a bit, but also know, she was not an ow for that long of a period, meaning months not years. Its kind of like a reformed smoker, Is that the right way to say it? Last time i got in trouble cause I said reformed Christian, lol, sorry people, did not mean it that way meant born again, I guesss:o Anyway, she does have a more colder approach, but makes sense at times. So I just pick through and hope i will be reformed, or reborn one day too:)
Lookingforward Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 the "he's married" mantra became my magic pill. That's my magic pill for being NC, but it doesn't stop the pain of missing him
mistresswchildren Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 I have just started NC. It is hard, but when I find myself failing, I honestly come here. It helps me. The more I read about others pain or even about their happy stories, the more I realize that I don't need him. I have started to gain some emotional independence. It feels great. I know I say that now, because it has only been a week, but I seriously have sat down and thought about it a lot. I already like myself better. I know that I have some strength in me, and it makes me proud.
Author Love4Eternity Posted April 7, 2008 Author Posted April 7, 2008 Thank you all for your advice and replies it does help to talk with others and to hear how others are dealing or have delt with this.. i am finding this so very hard and my heart is just breaking im married too so it is even harder to try and fake my emotionals and smile through out the day..its like i dont want to let go but at the same time i am not willing to destroy his life either (by bugging him or telling his wife). my husband knows im not happy but doesnt want to split up because he says he is in love with me and wants me and him to stay together since we have two small boys...i want to leave and be on my own but i am suffering from a life threatning illness and just got layed off at work and he is just now going back to work. I hate that i feel in love with this man i hate that i met him i hate that i believed him when he said he was divorced i hate that i still believed him even though i knew he could hurt me again with another lie...why i just dont know why i have fallen in love with the wrong man a married man at that ?? i hate myself sometimes but i cannot seem to stop loving him i know i have no right to him i just wish sometimes that i could be the love of his life that he loved and hurted as much as me ... everyday seems to drag on and on and i cannot wait to go to sleep so i can not think about him..my children are wonderful and bring me love and laughter but i still feel the pain of not being with my mm again ... sorry for the vent i just needed to let it out i guess thanks for listening
whichwayisup Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 You need counselling badly to figure out what you want out of life. You are now hanging onto your husband for the wrong reasons and hurting because the exMM isn't in your life anymore. Focus on your kids, make them your everything and do the counselling.
UnusuallyUnusual Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 I have to say, even though it wasn't with a MM, it was with my xH, I too found myself trying to figure out how to get over him. Do not jump into another A, do not turn to drugs or alcohol and do not lose hope that you will someday wake up pain free. I know it sounds cliche, but only time can heal. There are no "magic pills". Each day that passes will be a struggle, but trust me, one day you really will wake up and NOT hurt. It took me almost 5 years to get over my H, hopefully it won't take as long for you. I found that if you can focus on the positives in your life, like your children, career, hobbies, that can help. I personally focused on my daughter and it really seemed to help me get through. If nothing more, we all know that kids provide unconditional love and contagious giggles! Good luck!
nadiaj2727 Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 Nidiaj, I don't get it. You were an OW, (married as well?), you know the feelings and situation, yet you don't have it in you to show compassion on my thread? Is it because what's good for you, is not good for others less far into the process than you have been? After reading your various posts, I'm very surprised to discover that you are a hypocrite as well. Or does that all become moot after your affair comes to an end? Just curious. I do not completely understand your question LakesideDream. I know the feelings and situation of being an OW but I also realized it was the wrong thing to do and I got out of the situation. Now I tell others to do the same. I feel that learning from my bad decisions and trying to tell others what I've learned makes me less of a hyprocrite that someone who was telling people not to be in an affair while he himself was in one (if I understand your situation correctly). And someone who was HURT by an affair and who came to LS with their pain and yet inflicts that same pain on someone else, justifying it all along. But yes I was in an affair once and if that means to you that I'm a hyprocrite for stopping it and telling others to stop it, then so be it, I can't control your opinion of me. I do not understand why you think I'm a hyprocrite because I once had an affair -- well then okay, I'll be a hyprocrite my whole life because I am never going to have an affair again, and I would rather be a hyprocrite than involved in an affair. I'm not perfect and I've made horribly bad decisions, mainly being the OW and yes cheating on my fiance at the time. But I admit my bad decisions and change them. I think I get frustrated in your thread because you admit your bad decisions and continue them. It is harder to show compassion to someone who does that. It's like, you know the hurt you cause, but you make excuses. I don't feel I do that -- therefore I think that's the difference. But again I am unclear about your exact question, so, sorry if I misread your post and didn't answer it well.
nadiaj2727 Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 Hi Lakeside. I have asked nadia that too, but I what I got of it it was her not trying to be mean, it is her way of dealing with her own guilt. I think she has seperated herself from her time as an OW, she remembers a bit, but also know, she was not an ow for that long of a period, meaning months not years. Its kind of like a reformed smoker, Is that the right way to say it? Last time i got in trouble cause I said reformed Christian, lol, sorry people, did not mean it that way meant born again, I guess:o Anyway, she does have a more colder approach, but makes sense at times. So I just pick through and hope i will be reformed, or reborn one day too:) Mino -- I hope you will be reformed or reborn one day too. (If that's the way you look at how I am now LOL. I just mean I hope you and everyone else can gain the strength to walk away from these horribly bad situations.) Lakeside and Mino, let me try to explain it more -- thanks Mino for explaining what I've said, it is pretty close but I wanted to clarify that I do remember the pain and hurt of being an OW, as well as the feelings of love and excitement... I guess that's what keeps me tied to this forum and trying to help other OWs, because once you feel that, you know what it is, and you think, maybe I can help. I think the difference is that I understand what leads a woman to become an OW. I don't understand what leads a woman to stay an OW. But I'm trying to understand that so I can relate better. I personally think that in a lot of my posts I say "I understand how you feel, because I was there once too." But I can't just say that, I also have to say "the feelings of love and exctiement are nice, I remember them [perhaps this is the part I don't stress that I understand enough??], but they come at a high emotional cost of feeling low, used, sad, lonely, etc. You will only stop feeling that way once you realize that it's no longer worth it to feel the 'highs'. You have to take personal responsibility for your actions, figure out what kind of person you want to be, and act on that instead of continuing this same path." Does that mean I am less understanding or compassionate? I feel like I give that advice because I am trying to help... because that's what works for me. Perhaps I should spend more time talking about how I was there and I totally understand the feelings, good and bad. Maybe that would help people accept my advice better about why it is still overall a very bad situation to be in. I don't know. So I understand being an OW but for me it was coupled with not wanting to be an OW... with wanting to understand my situation and, once I understood its reality, wanting to get out of it. So when I read people being arrogant or flippant or naive about their actions, like, "I know he doesn't lie to me, only his wife, and I'm okay with that" (just an example) and other posters on LS saying over and over "this is the reality... you are not seeing it", I get really frustrated with them. That's the part I don't understand -- because once I realized what kind of a person xMM was (and I really think most cheating MM are), I got out of there. So you're right that I do not understand why someone continues to stay. I am trying to understand that and not be too harsh with my comments. Mino in your particular situation I understand the feelings of love and hope, but I do not understand why they persist for you over the "down" feelings to keep you in this situation for that long. But I think you are trying to do the right thing, you just haven't gotten to the point where you are ready to do something drastic, like change jobs, move away, etc., to ensure that it is really and truly over. I just try to be encouraging and tell you you can do it. I try not to judge you for remaining in the situation that I myself was once in, and as I've said in the past I am sorry if it came off that way -- I think both of us have volitile personalities that sometimes clash. But you do not seem to be in denial or arrogant about your actions. You seem to be someone who is a good person and who wants to be in a better situation. I can relate to that. I also wanted to clarify that Mino and Lakeside are in two different situations -- at least that's how it comes out in your posts -- so I react to the two situations differently. What I don't understand at all nor approve of is when someone like Lakeside says "I fully know the pain this causes, because it was done to me, but I choose to do it anyway because it makes me happy." [or whatever justification.] That is a completely different situation than I was in so I just can't understand it. That is a level of inflicting hurt to everyone -- including yourself -- that I just cannot relate to at all. It is one thing to be in something thinking you're doing the right thing, and then realizing you're not and wanting to get out or trying to get out etc. I can relate to that. But not knowing you're doing something wrong and continuing to stay in it. I try to stay out of threads like that because when I go into them I accidentally sound too mean. So I'm sorry Lakeside if you feel I've been too harsh with you. I just stay away from your posts because I don't understand them, I have no advice for you because you already know that what you're doing is wrong and you say you're going to do it anyway. Well okay then, I won't try to stop you because that's pointless. And I also wanted to add that I'm not trying to "judge" who should be in an affair or who I will approve of "more" or "less" etc. I have come to realize that no affairs are good or justifiable, but I can understand certain people who are a part of affairs more than others, based on my own past experiences. I'm not here to say "this person is good even though they're in an affair" and "this person is bad" etc. I am just trying to answer the question of why I seem harsh sometimes to certain posters (I guess this was the original question? ) Sorry for such a long post, I hope I've clarified things a bit. If not, I give up LOL. Thanks for pointing this out, I will work on expressing that I understand better!
Tomcat33 Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 Love4eternity - the best thing you can do is NOT repress your feelings and not neglect what you feel for your guy today. Do however focus on all the pain that you have suffered in being with that man and try to remind yourself that no loving relationship is supposed give you that much pain. The good times and deep feelings you have for him are all smoke and mirrors because the reality is that you don't have a fulfilling relationship with him .A person who truly loves you does not hurt you the way your MM is hurting you, I am not saying he is not in love with you, yes he may feel passion but a person who truly loves their mate and cares and wants the best for them will not want to see them hurt. Time will get you where you need to be, maybe try cutting ties in steps, if going completely NC is not good for you right now or just too drastic the try writing down your goals for the next while for example set goals on how you will wean yourself off of this man and stick to them. As you achieve each goal you will feel more determined to stick to your boundaries and to succeed. Pretty soon it will be easier to do and you will realise and see clearer all by yourself the prons and cons of continuing with a man who not only doesn't care to give you the best he can give you but also one who is partially tied to someone else. LakesideDream Nidiaj, I don't get it. You were an OW, (married as well?), you know the feelings and situation, yet you don't have it in you to show compassion on my thread? Is it because what's good for you, is not good for others less far into the process than you have been? After reading your various posts, I'm very surprised to discover that you are a hypocrite as well. Or does that all become moot after your affair comes to an end? Just curious. I know!!! I totally agree.. But she keeps saying how what makes her "different" from others is her "compassion and empathy" and all I keep reading is put downs on to others who are in situations she disagrees with, to project her own self hatred... In the least realise you are neither compassoinate NOR empathetic, and at least we can respect where you are comming from.
nadiaj2727 Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 (edited) I know!!! I totally agree.. But she keeps saying how what makes her "different" from others is her "compassion and empathy" and all I keep reading is put downs on to others who are in situations she disagrees with, to project her own self hatred... In the least realise you are neither compassoinate NOR empathetic, and at least we can respect where you are comming from. Many have said I am compassionate and empathetic. I think you just don't see me that way because you don't agree with some of the advice I give people. I'm not going to sugarcoat my advice. I already said I will try to express my understanding better. But just because you don't agree with me doesn't mean I'm not compassionate and empathetic. I know that I am, and I know that others have told me I am. If you don't see me that way, sorry. I guess not everyone has to see me that way for me to know that that's who I am. I can't win with everyone on this forum, nor do I want to win with some people. All I can do is be myself and share my opinions. I don't have any empathy for people who know they are doing the wrong thing and continue to do it. A lot of people have told me that my advice and understanding has helped them, and that is what's important to me -- not your opinion of whether or not I am emphatic or compassionate all the time. PS I don't have self-hatred, but thanks for trying to analyze me. I hate my previous decision to participate in an affair. I love my previous decision to stop that affair. And I love who I am now. It doesn't sound like a lot of people on this forum can say the same. Edited April 7, 2008 by nadiaj2727
Tomcat33 Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 (edited) Many have said I am compassionate and empathetic. I think you just don't see me that way because you don't agree with some of the advice I give people. I'm not going to sugarcoat my advice. I already said I will try to express my understanding better. But just because you don't agree with me doesn't mean I'm not compassionate and empathetic. I know that I am, and I know that others have told me I am. If you don't see me that way, sorry. I guess not everyone has to see me that way for me to know that that's who I am. No sorry I don't see compassion or empathy, so long as the people are doing exactly what you approve of then I see it but otherwise I see hyper criticism and projection of self hatred, and it's not healthy for others, let alone for yoruself. Edited April 7, 2008 by Tomcat33
nadiaj2727 Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 No sorry I don't see compassion or empathy, so long as the people are doing exactly what you approve of then I see it but otherwise I see hyper criticism and projection of self hatred, and it's not healthy for others, let alone for yoruself. Again thanks for sharing your opinion of me, I completely disagree. I am not here to win your approval of me and sometimes you want to pick fights with me and others, and I'm just not into that. I am here to talk to those who WANT to talk to me and help those who want to be helped. I have my own issues like everyone else and I just want to share, the last thing I want to do is debate without you whether you think I'm empathetic or not. Yes sometimes when people are happy to hurt others (or when there are mean and biting posts from anyone -- aimed at OW or whatever) I can't help express my shock. Not because I hate myself but because I can't believe that some human beings act like that or say those things, it just saddens me. If that makes me not empathetic to you, so be it. Let's just agree to disagree and move on. Love4Eternity -- I am sorry for the t/j and I hope you are doing well with trying to move on from MM.
nadiaj2727 Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 No sorry I don't see compassion or empathy, so long as the people are doing exactly what you approve of then I see it but otherwise I see hyper criticism and projection of self hatred, and it's not healthy for others, let alone for yoruself. Again thanks for sharing your opinion of me, I completely disagree. I am not here to win your approval of me and sometimes you want to pick fights with me and others, and I'm just not into that. I am here to talk to those who WANT to talk to me and help those who want my advice or who can gain something from it. I have my own issues like everyone else -- I have my struggles and my triumphs and I am just here to share. The last thing I want to do is debate without you whether you think I'm empathetic or not. Yes sometimes when people are happy to hurt others (or when there are mean and biting posts from anyone -- aimed at OW or whatever) I can't help but express my shock. Not because I hate myself but because I can't believe that some human beings act like that or say those things, it just saddens me. If that makes me not empathetic in your eyes, so be it. Let's just agree to disagree and move on to more constructive things. Love4Eternity -- I am sorry for the t/j and I hope you are doing well with trying to move on from MM.
whichwayisup Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 Oh good god. All of you stop this pointless side banter and focus on the OP. Picking apart eachother on a personal level has to stop.
nadiaj2727 Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 Sorry for my multiple replies -- I had an Internet connection problem and I thought my first post was lost and then I tried to re-write it. I agree WWIU and I apologize. On with the regularly scheduled program.
head.heart& hand Posted April 8, 2008 Posted April 8, 2008 I haven't been here in some time, yet checked in quickly tonight to find this thread--so gald I did! Let me first say that I have found Nadia's posts EXTREMELY helpful (Nadia, I love how you're not discouraged by folks who challenge you or find you righteous). Maybe this banter is the regularly scheduled program (or at least one of them) if LS is (in part) about advice and support to improve relationships and live life more fully and authentically. That's the program I'm tuning it to whether its a tangent or not. In coming here to LS, one thing I seek out is strong, confident posters to assist me in getting out of an unhealhty pattern that has kept me from finding the happiness and security I really want from a realtionship. There's no happiness and security in being with a married man, or in my case, a separated, living apart, yet never divorced man as he lives in a perpetual state of ambivalence in BOTH relationships (me and his wife). Like so many people here, I believed my situation was different so I basically waited for things to change, gave him the benefit of the doubt, and ended up stuck. And-- I am still stuck ( although much, much, much, further along on the stuck continuum than I used to be). In other words--still STUCK ( but stuck in a recovery phase as there is not currently contact). I devour books and I wish I didnt have to admit I've read some pretty good self help books. The one that really stands out in relation to the orignal post is called "Stop Being the String Along; A Relationship Guide to Being THE ONE". Any woman who is concerned with being strung along should read this---it's Excellent!
Author Love4Eternity Posted April 8, 2008 Author Posted April 8, 2008 Thank you again everyone for your advice I do appreciate it regardless if its what i want to hear or not...Its what i need to hear that matters... Today I laid in bed and cried myself to sleep...I do not do drugs or drink so that wont even be an issue and i wont go into another affair ever again. I know that this may seem selfish and I am ready for the negative feedback of it but here goes, I do not want to let go I do not want to give him up entirely. we agreed to be friends but I am the one bugging him because I feel so in love with him that I am afraid that if I do not keep in contact with him he will fade away and forget me. he moved here from n calif where his wife still lives he lives here with his friend and she lives there with their daughter, i know his marriage is much like mine and maybe thats why i connected with him so well the only difference is i have small children where one of his is in college and the other one in highschool... I do not feel guilty about the affair i do however feel bad about our spouses i feel they deserve to be with someone that is faithful to them and in love with them. Do not get me wrong though they have their faults too but i wont go into that... I have never felt so much love for a man then i have for this man and I am hurt because I feel he "played" with my emotions instead of just being upfront and honest with me like i was with him. we never asked each other for anything more then what we had or asked each other to leave our homes. I thought that if nothing else we would always be good friends and that it was more important to me then anything else but it seems like i will lose that friendship as well and that is what is hurting me the most. he is pushing me away and again i am losing someone i love very much (i lost my brother and my father) and it just seems like when ever i get close to someone i lose them .. i hope this makes sense i know i need to get with it and move on for the sake of my kids and i will i just want to learn to move on through you all and thank you so much for helping me i come and ready everyday now just so i can get the strength i need to keep going ... i know that someday i will regain myself but in the mean time i need to take it day by day..thanks again
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