golfergirl Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 I have been with my boyfriend for 9 years. And over the past 6 months, I have been starting to realize that I don't want to be with him anymore. I own my home and he lives with me. I love him, but I haven't been in love with him for sometime. I don't know how to to tell him he has to go. I also don't know how to let him go. I am scared that if he is the one for me, I'm blowing my chance. He loves me more than anything,and I know this is going to hurt him badly but I am starting to resent him and I don't even know why. Please help!
carhill Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 Would you like to find out why you resent him and if you can find an attraction and love for him which is equal to his for you? If both of you are open to it, I think couples therapy could help you. Obviously, I don't know the why's here, but those nuances come out in therapy. I wouldn't end this without at least finding out why and if it can be saved. Be proactive. Find a therapist and set it up and then talk to your SO. Tell him you need his help figuring this out.
witabix Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 I have been with my boyfriend for 9 years. And over the past 6 months, I have been starting to realize that I don't want to be with him anymore. Examine why you feel like this, how does it manifest itself, what does he do to make feel this way, if anything. I own my home and he lives with me. Do you feel as though he does not contribute, is it 'my' house, or do you consider it 'our' house? I love him, but I haven't been in love with him for sometime. Is this a phase that will pass, Carhill's post makes a lot of sense. I don't know how to to tell him he has to go. This sounds like you already are deciding to tell him, how you do this, if you do, is directly, openly and honestly. I also don't know how to let him go. Is this fear of loneliness?...... I am scared that if he is the one for me, I'm blowing my chance. Sounds like it. He loves me more than anything, Thats nice, but it must be reciprocal to be real relationship. and I know this is going to hurt him badly but I am starting to resent him and I don't even know why. As I said you have to be honest with yourself. I will bet that you do know, but you may feel that if you outright admit the reason you will feel guilty for it, don't. It probably has a good basis. Please help! I will try. When a long term R goes stale or flat it is time to take stock. You must communicate with him, in an open, honest and direct way. Try to tell him how you are feeling, don't sugar coat it. If you want to find out if he is the one this is the only way to do it. Don't confuse yourself with fear of being alone vs fear of letting him go. Take stock of who and what you are now, nine years down the road, we all change. You cannot be blamed for changing. Take stock of where you are now, in your life and aspirations for the future, can you see him in this aspirational view of your future? Be fair to yourself first, anfd to him secondly, but please be fair. After nine years you owe that to each other.
carhill Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 OP, I'm seeing the same thing (as you) from the other side of the street (as a man), so to speak (8 year marriage). If you want some examples of how therapy has helped us clarify our relationship, share some specifics and I might be able to find commonality. We're about 7 months in now. For example, any life-altering experiences for either of you in the recent past, like serious illnesses, deaths of loved ones, etc?
Recommended Posts