browneyedgirl2 Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 (edited) I will try to make a long story short. This guy and I have been good friends for a few years – nothing more than friends. I didn’t see him ‘that way’ and felt he didn’t view me other than a friend either. Then, about 6 months ago, there was a spark between us. We found we could talk about everything, enjoyed each other’s company immensely, loved doing the same things together, etc. – like it was fate that had brought us together. Within 2 months, he told me he loved me. I told him the same several weeks later. He’s married, and his friends (me included) knew what a ‘bad’ marriage it was. The couple had little to do with each other, and if they talked, it was only to argue or fight. Folks say they never got along very well. They married because she became pregnant, and he felt the responsibility to stay until their child was raised. (he was not completely faithful for the past 12 of those years, but I am the first relationship he's had). This is the first time I’ve ever had anything to do with a married man. During the past 6 months we’ve been together, he has not been unfaithful to me (hard to believe, I know, but it’s true – I know). He remained living with his wife (separate bedrooms), with the two scarcely seeing each other in passing. We’ve never missed daily talking on the phone (at least 1 hour each night) and spend nearly every weekend together (we live a couple hours apart). He tells me he wants to spend his life with me. Wants us to be together, etc. A happy day for him was when his wife finally left him. Everyone had seen it coming for several years. He was happy and we were still making plans for our future together. Then, he got ‘down’. Seems since his wife is gone, it’s suddenly kicking in – he realizes that he loved her after all. Not the kind of in-love we share, but a love that feels bad for hurting her. After all, they spent so many years together. Said he feelings toward me haven’t changed. Said it’s just something he needs to work out for himself. I feel pretty down. Feel like I’m on the edge of a cliff waiting for a big wind to blow. I felt more secure 3 months ago than I do now. I feel like I’m already hardening my heart against the possibility of them reuniting (even though he says he ‘doesn’t see that happening’). He tells me he loves me and wants to be with me, but just needs a little time. He’s not going out, etc. I feel almost abandoned. He’s going through this ‘getting his head together’ and I just want us to be happy and smiling again. Edited April 6, 2008 by browneyedgirl2 font
whichwayisup Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 He wasn't yours to begin with, so it isn't right for you to hang onto him. He was married all along even if he his actions didn't show this. During the past 6 months we’ve been together, he has not been unfaithful to me (hard to believe, I know, but it’s true – I know). He remained living with his wife (separate bedrooms), with the two scarcely seeing each other in passing. This is a man who constantly lied to his wife. You believed everything he told you? Sadly, now his actions are showing you he wants to go back home. He has realized that he does miss his wife. I know you're hurting but if you love him, let him go and sort out his marriage. They do have a history together and because of their vows to eachother, it's only fair they try to fix their issues before throwing in the towel. Better for the marriage to end because it just didn't work, rather than him leave his wife for you. I mean, could you ever fully trust a man who cheated on his wife and then left her for you?
child_of_isis Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 Get out. This is one of those "grass is greener" scripts. Whoever he is not with ...will be the one that he grieves for. Oh god, this is the most sickening thing ever. I can tell you exactly how it will play out. When he returns to W, everything will be hunky dory for a short time, then he will grieve for you. Eventually he will come back to you. Everything will be hunky dory for awhile, then again he will grieve for W. Over & over & over again. Until one of you (your or W) puts an end to it. Prepare yourself. Then, he got ‘down’. Seems since his wife is gone, it’s suddenly kicking in – he realizes that he loved her after all. Not the kind of in-love we share, but a love that feels bad for hurting her. After all, they spent so many years together. Said he feelings toward me haven’t changed. Said it’s just something he needs to work out for himself. I feel pretty down. Feel like I’m on the edge of a cliff waiting for a big wind to blow. I felt more secure 3 months ago than I do now. I feel like I’m already hardening my heart against the possibility of them reuniting (even though he says he ‘doesn’t see that happening’). He tells me he loves me and wants to be with me, but just needs a little time. He’s not going out, etc. I feel almost abandoned. He’s going through this ‘getting his head together’ and I just want us to be happy and smiling again.
bentnotbroken Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 Boy I wish I had a buck for everytime I have heard this story. By your own admissions he has never been faithful to her. (could that be why they fight?) He probably wasn't faithful before they married, it's hard to believe with his track record after marriage, he didn't do anything before marriage. And for you to believe you are the first relationship that he has had, is...well gulliable. He has always had a relationship with someone he loves...himself. And whether you call his little excursions outside his marriage relationships or not, that's what they were. There are very few MM who don't use the old "we are in the same house, but different bedrooms" line. Mr. Messy did, even when he was trying to get in my pants nightly. You need to move on and let that jerk go, and consider who you get ivolved with in the future. You are entitled to more than you allow yourself to have. Someone who isn't married with a family.
justice Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 I will try to make a long story short. This guy and I have been good friends for a few years – nothing more than friends. I didn’t see him ‘that way’ and felt he didn’t view me other than a friend either. Then, about 6 months ago, there was a spark between us. We found we could talk about everything, enjoyed each other’s company immensely, loved doing the same things together, etc. – like it was fate that had brought us together. Within 2 months, he told me he loved me. I told him the same several weeks later. He’s married, and his friends (me included) knew what a ‘bad’ marriage it was. The couple had little to do with each other, and if they talked, it was only to argue or fight. Folks say they never got along very well. They married because she became pregnant, and he felt the responsibility to stay until their child was raised. (he was not completely faithful for the past 12 of those years, but I am the first relationship he's had). This is the first time I’ve ever had anything to do with a married man. During the past 6 months we’ve been together, he has not been unfaithful to me (hard to believe, I know, but it’s true – I know). He remained living with his wife (separate bedrooms), with the two scarcely seeing each other in passing. We’ve never missed daily talking on the phone (at least 1 hour each night) and spend nearly every weekend together (we live a couple hours apart). He tells me he wants to spend his life with me. Wants us to be together, etc. A happy day for him was when his wife finally left him. Everyone had seen it coming for several years. He was happy and we were still making plans for our future together. Then, he got ‘down’. Seems since his wife is gone, it’s suddenly kicking in – he realizes that he loved her after all. Not the kind of in-love we share, but a love that feels bad for hurting her. After all, they spent so many years together. Said he feelings toward me haven’t changed. Said it’s just something he needs to work out for himself. I feel pretty down. Feel like I’m on the edge of a cliff waiting for a big wind to blow. I felt more secure 3 months ago than I do now. I feel like I’m already hardening my heart against the possibility of them reuniting (even though he says he ‘doesn’t see that happening’). He tells me he loves me and wants to be with me, but just needs a little time. He’s not going out, etc. I feel almost abandoned. He’s going through this ‘getting his head together’ and I just want us to be happy and smiling again. Girl, I'm sorry to tell you this but it sounds like this man is "spinnin" you.
sb129 Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 During the past 6 months we’ve been together, he has not been unfaithful to me (hard to believe, I know, but it’s true – I know). He remained living with his wife (separate bedrooms), with the two scarcely seeing each other in passing. The most commonly used line in the book...... My exMM fed me that one too. He left his W for me in the end, but there was never very much trust- I had no way of knowing if he would cheat on me too, and it wasn't a good enough R to invest any more time or energy in.
child_of_isis Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 Whomever 'gets' him... will get him by default. Sickening!
sb129 Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 Whomever 'gets' him... will get him by default. What a prize...
OWoman Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 The most commonly used line in the book...... Sometimes it's a line, and sometimes it's true.
mistresswchildren Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 It sounds like he just isn't over his M. Maybe he never had plans on actually leaving her, but when she left him, it broke his "heart" (actually it hurt his ego). I don't think that he is worth your time at this point. Move on, see if that helps you. Think about it, he has been thinking about himself, and only himself, maybe it is time you start thinking about you. Get away from him, he will continue this yo-yo process until there is nothing left of you. It just isn't fair to you. I know you want to be happy, but lets face facts, you will never be truly happy while you are with him. He will only hurt you and leave you emotionally barren. I think you know this, I think every OW/OM knows this somewhere deep down. I'm just actually stating it.
NewSunrise Posted April 8, 2008 Posted April 8, 2008 You've got two choices: 1. You can indulge in a "fantasy" with this MM, wait around which one of you two women he'll settle with OR 2. Define your self-worth that you deserve someone who is available FULL-TIME and will treat with love and respect. This MM has only love for himself and no respect for either you or his wife. And that my dear is where his level of self-worth is. Wanna be on the same level if self worth as he is? Then opt to settle, wait, agonize what is sure to be painful for every party involved. My XH cheated 6 months after we got married. Never had a clue because he played the perfect husband. NO ONE knew. Until his OW threatened she'd come over to our home and hurt me if he didn't leave me for her. She has two teenage daughters, one a runway. XH finally confessed. Kicked him out. I wanted divorce. He begged I reconsider and go MC. We did for 2-3 month until I caught him cheating again. Cost me $16,000, he nearly $30K in attorney's fees. No kids, not a whole lot of assets. He made twice more than I do, inherited $200K from his late mother's estate, and the bastard still was willing to go to court and spend thousands more just so I would leave him the garden tools and washer and dryer. I would've have loved to have shoved the $5 garden hose up his you know where... He did all this to get back at me for exposing his affair by emailing his OW's threatening emails to both their families, friends, co-workers and his boss. He now lives in the house we owned...four houses down from my dog-sitters. The neighbors know what happened and no one acknowledges him. He's over $120K upside down. AND he's not with the OW. I've happily moved on. Dating an awesome guy. He treats me like a queen with lots of love. I always get flowers when I see him and there would be flowers on my door step when I return. I've gotten flowers on three occassion from XH during the 7 years we were together. So, my dear...take note from all the OW/OM, wives and husbands who have been cheated on. You're on LS for a reason.
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