Milan721 Posted April 5, 2008 Posted April 5, 2008 Sorry for the long vent... I have managed to find myself in a marriage that is way less than ideal. However, since I've been cynical about the concept of marriage for awhile, I don't really know what to expect in a marriage that is truly ideal. How I ended up being married when I was cynical in the first place is a long story - much of it has to do with me being completely foolish and naive - I have to admit. The most distressing part of this story is that I never wanted to have children unless I knew that they could be raised in a home with two biological parents that love and respect each other. The distressing part is that we brought a child into this world, into a relationship that is quite the opposite of what I had hoped for. I could write for days about why my H and I are not compatible. Instead I'll try to sum it up by saying that we have very poor communication skills together. Couples counseling did not work. I am in IC and my H will begin IC because it was mandated by a court order. I just feel like I have really failed my son. My guilt in bringing him into this relationship makes me want to try harder to make it work. I've learned that there is nothing I can do to really help my relationship with my H unless he is willing to admit that there are problems with which we need help together. All I can do is hold in what I feel and pretend to be happy for the sake of my son. I definitely don't nag my H because his temper won't allow it. Although he is the one who wanted to get married - I have honestly started to believe that he lacks compassion and understanding. There is no depth to our relationship. But, if I just smile and act like everything is OK - it appears to everyone else, my son included, that we have the perfect family. I hate portraying myself as the victim when I have been fully able to make my own decisions. Incase we do head towards divorce, I have decided to stop being a stay-at-home mom and have been working on a business plan to start my own business. The worst thing would be to end up a single mom who depends completely on child support, like his ExW. I don't want to depend on anyone any more. However, even though working towards independence has made me value myself more - I still feel happiest when I am "pretending to be happy". Those are the times when I put my relationship feelings aside and be happy for the sake of my son. I know my H really loves our son and our family time together. I don't want to take that away from our son just because I am unhappy with my H. I know it won't kill my son if his parents get a divorce. But after seeing how my H treats his other son (now 5 years old) from his first marriage, I just don't want that for my son. Don't get me wrong, my H loves his first son very much. He just refuses to take responsibility for him when he's here for his 3 month visitation every year. He leaves everything up to me - whether I like it or not. That is another long story in itself. I just don't want my son being brushed off to his current GF should we get a divorce. I also hate the idea of him being ping-ponged from family to family. That's what I didn't want for my children in the first place. As penance for my stupidity, it seems like I need to stay with someone that I don't feel connected to. But, why am I complaining? Isn't that part of what marriage is? At some point you have to give up part of yourself and your happiness for the greater good. It's not all about me. He's too young to understand this, but I wish I could tell my boy how sorry I am.
OldEurope Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 Milan, Do not beat yourself up over something that is just so totally beyond your control at this point. No parent can predict what will happen in their relationships and you can't expect to pretend family-life for the sake of your son. I know of people who've stayed in their truly bottomed-out marriages "for the kids" and it only compounded a household atmosphere of unhappiness and frustration. I do believe it is not so much the divorce that can upset children but how it is handled and attention to the children afterwards. What you owe your son is love love love and the right values and education. Your son wants a happy mother as much as you want a happy child. xo OE
sb129 Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 I agree with OE. Don't beat yourself up so much- I know people who are from "broken" families who say that their lives got better after their parents split up because they could see how much happier their parents were. Staying in an unhappy R is damaging to all parties involved, including your son. Good luck.
Author Milan721 Posted April 6, 2008 Author Posted April 6, 2008 Thank you both for your encouragement. I guess I would say the same thing if I had to give advice to someone in this situation. I'm just so depressed that I put myself in the exact situation that I never wanted to be in.
sb129 Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 You put yourself in, but you can also get yourself out. You know you can Milan. It might not be easy, but there is always another solution. I made some stupid R decisions, and paid for them, but I refused to settle for that kind of "penance" as you call it on a permanent basis. Hopefully one day you will say enough is enough, and set yourself free to find someone that can make you happy- marriage shouldn't be about suffering and giving up your happiness. The greater good should be that you and your son are BOTH happy.
Author Milan721 Posted April 6, 2008 Author Posted April 6, 2008 You put yourself in, but you can also get yourself out. You know you can Milan. It might not be easy, but there is always another solution. I made some stupid R decisions, and paid for them, but I refused to settle for that kind of "penance" as you call it on a permanent basis. Hopefully one day you will say enough is enough, and set yourself free to find someone that can make you happy- marriage shouldn't be about suffering and giving up your happiness. The greater good should be that you and your son are BOTH happy. I know I can...and eventually I'm sure I will. I wish I could save the situation that I'm in but that doesn't seem possible no matter how hard I've tried. I never realized that you can be in a marriage and yet be the loneliest you've ever been in your life!
Curmudgeon Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 Thank you both for your encouragement. I guess I would say the same thing if I had to give advice to someone in this situation. I'm just so depressed that I put myself in the exact situation that I never wanted to be in. I always wanted a happy marriage as well and my first one ultimately turned out to be anything but. We lasted 25 years and had five children. The lasting was a mistake. Three of my children were adults when we divorced and each one of them, over the next year or so, came tpo me separately and told me he/she wished we'd divorced when they were younger. Looking back, so do I! The point is, Milan, life's too short to put it on hold waiting for the inevitable nand often you do children a true kindness by leaving your spouse in a loveless marriage.
sugarsoul Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 As a child growing up in a "broken family", I actually grew closer to my mom as I grew up and begin to understand the situation more. I always wanted my mom to be happy, and I am sure your son will understand as he grows up.
Author Milan721 Posted April 6, 2008 Author Posted April 6, 2008 I always wanted a happy marriage as well and my first one ultimately turned out to be anything but. We lasted 25 years and had five children. The lasting was a mistake. Three of my children were adults when we divorced and each one of them, over the next year or so, came tpo me separately and told me he/she wished we'd divorced when they were younger. Looking back, so do I! The point is, Milan, life's too short to put it on hold waiting for the inevitable nand often you do children a true kindness by leaving your spouse in a loveless marriage. I know, you're right. If you don't mind my asking, how far into the 25 years until you realized it wasn't working?
Curmudgeon Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 I know, you're right. If you don't mind my asking, how far into the 25 years until you realized it wasn't working? A week or two before the wedding! But I was young, foolish, hormonal, hopeful, lonely, had just returned from almost two years in combat zones and besides, an officer's word was his bond and I'd already proposed and she'd accepted. I had to follow-through. Honor required it. So I made the most of it, we had children, I think I knew it was quite bad after about 15 years, knew it wasn't going to work after 20, experienced a profound sense of relief when it folded after 25.
Author Milan721 Posted April 7, 2008 Author Posted April 7, 2008 A week or two before the wedding! But I was young, foolish, hormonal, hopeful, lonely, had just returned from almost two years in combat zones and besides, an officer's word was his bond and I'd already proposed and she'd accepted. I had to follow-through. Honor required it. So I made the most of it, we had children, I think I knew it was quite bad after about 15 years, knew it wasn't going to work after 20, experienced a profound sense of relief when it folded after 25. Wow! A couple of weeks before the wedding? I had that feeling but I was hoping it was just cold feet. I guess unless you have actual frost bite, cold feet shouldn't last for years eh?
Curmudgeon Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 Wow! A couple of weeks before the wedding? I had that feeling but I was hoping it was just cold feet. I guess unless you have actual frost bite, cold feet shouldn't last for years eh? Not if you can help it, Milan. it's just not worth the wasted time. Life's too short!
Recommended Posts