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What is the best thing about being the OW?

mopar crazy

By mopar crazy
in The Other Man / Woman

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HeavenScent Established Member

HeavenScent

Posted
Posted
I think finding integrity in a man is impossible, when it comes to women anyway. It's the impossible dream. :D:D

 

Why do you feel that way?

Trialbyfire Established Member

Trialbyfire

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Posted
I think finding integrity in a man is impossible, when it comes to women anyway. It's the impossible dream. :D:D

Tsk, tsk, such cynicism. Men are no different than women, in that there are percentages of people who have integrity and others' who don't.

HeavenScent Established Member

HeavenScent

Posted
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Good attitude! Never settle but don't expect perfection. Best to decide what's a negotiable and what's a non-negotiable and stick to your non-negotiables. Too many people justify themselves, in taking actions that have eroded on who they are or want to be. Once you start justifying, it becomes a slippery slope of self-erosion.

 

Thank you. I learned not to settle from observing people around me. I don't think it's wise to settle down for the sake of settling down. All my friends are seeing some on a long-term basis and at times, I feel left out but I don't want to be with someone just for the sake of being one of the gang.

 

For most part, the guy I liked think it's alright to have girls calling him up at odd hours but he wouldn't want any guy to call me up... :rolleyes: so in that sense, I'm better off without him!

OpenBook Established Member

OpenBook

Posted
Posted
Why do you feel that way?

 

It's simply been my experience with men. What they say and what they actually do, when it comes to their behavior toward women, are often two different things. They are fanatically loyal and have a great deal of integrity with each other (e.g., "Bro's Before Ho's"), but their behavior toward women is totally different. They have a broad arsenal of tricks to "illusion" us into committing to them. And once they do, they stop trying to win us and start demanding that we take care of them, with little or no affection shown to us. If we protest, they tell us we're hormonal, irrational, and crazy. And/Or, they start cheating on us, getting it from somewhere else that's unfamiliar (and therefore exciting) to them.

 

I challenge any woman on this board to tell me I'm wrong.

Trialbyfire Established Member

Trialbyfire

Posted
Posted
It's simply been my experience with men. What they say and what they actually do, when it comes to their behavior toward women, are often two different things. They are fanatically loyal and have a great deal of integrity with each other (e.g., "Bro's Before Ho's"), but their behavior toward women is totally different. They have a broad arsenal of tricks to "illusion" us into committing to them. And once they do, they stop trying to win us and start demanding that we take care of them, with little or no affection shown to us. If we protest, they tell us we're hormonal, irrational, and crazy. And/Or, they start cheating on us, getting it from somewhere else that's unfamiliar (and therefore exciting) to them.

 

I challenge any woman on this board to tell me I'm wrong.

You're wrong. You cannot stereotype men like this.

OpenBook Established Member

OpenBook

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Posted
You're wrong. You cannot stereotype men like this.

 

I can do whatever I want, TBF. I call it as I see it. Same as you.

Lizzie60 Established Member

Lizzie60

Posted
Posted
It's simply been my experience with men. What they say and what they actually do, when it comes to their behavior toward women, are often two different things. They are fanatically loyal and have a great deal of integrity with each other (e.g., "Bro's Before Ho's"), but their behavior toward women is totally different. They have a broad arsenal of tricks to "illusion" us into committing to them. And once they do, they stop trying to win us and start demanding that we take care of them, with little or no affection shown to us. If we protest, they tell us we're hormonal, irrational, and crazy. And/Or, they start cheating on us, getting it from somewhere else that's unfamiliar (and therefore exciting) to them.

 

I challenge any woman on this board to tell me I'm wrong.

 

I agree with you.. most men if not all will cheat at one point.. so what's the point in getting serious and involved, and working our a$$ off for someone who will eventually cheat, no matter what.

 

I have seen too much of it.. and spoke to so many women who are just miserable in their M, but stuck for whatever reasons.

 

And just 'observe' men on the street, in the transit, at work, everywhere... they're always 'looking' for that.. it's sooo obvious.. ;)

Trialbyfire Established Member

Trialbyfire

Posted
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I can do whatever I want, TBF. I call it as I see it. Same as you.

You challenged every woman and as I woman, I responded.

 

What you've experienced, is standard human behaviour for the ability to take advantage and take for granted, something they feel, they've already got and feel secure in having. It's up to the individual, to not empower or enable this type of behaviour. For some people, it's a lost cause since they're just...plain...selfish. Prime example, someone who has NPD that believes the world must revolve around them.

Lookingforward Established Member

Lookingforward

Posted
Posted
OK LF, you threw it out there -- share your list with us!! :bunny::bunny:

 

I'll start with mine:

 

(1) He has to worship and adore me.

(2) He has to be a good cook, and not expect me to.

 

Not meeting either of these requirements would be a dealbreaker for me.

 

There. That's mine. What's yours??

 

1. Must have a great sense of humour and be able to appreciate my slightly warped one.

 

2. Good manners

 

3. Intelligence

 

4. MUST be a reader

 

5. Be interested in the world around him, current events. politics etc and be able to discuss same.

 

6. Must be passionate about at least ONE thing in his life

 

7. It would be nice if he liked country music so I don't have to apologise for liking it LOL

 

That's for starters :)

OpenBook Established Member

OpenBook

Posted
Posted
You challenged every woman and as I woman, I responded.

 

Acknowledged. And I responded to the "you cannot" part. Emphatically!:D

 

What you've experienced, is standard human behaviour for the ability to take advantage and take for granted, something they feel, they've already got and feel secure in having.

 

And what married man DOESN'T feel this way about his W?? I believe that this is the main reason why the vast majority of men get married.

 

It's up to the individual, to not empower or enable this type of behaviour.

 

I wholeheartedly agree. And the only effective way I've come up with to accomplish this is to never let them catch me in the first place.:D:D

 

For some people, it's a lost cause since they're just...plain...selfish. Prime example, someone who has NPD that believes the world must revolve around them.

 

If that's the case, then there's an awful lot of men out there who have NPD.:D (Actually, that's not very funny at all.)

OpenBook Established Member

OpenBook

Posted
Posted
1. Must have a great sense of humour and be able to appreciate my slightly warped one.

 

2. Good manners

 

3. Intelligence

 

4. MUST be a reader

 

5. Be interested in the world around him, current events. politics etc and be able to discuss same.

 

6. Must be passionate about at least ONE thing in his life

 

7. It would be nice if he liked country music so I don't have to apologise for liking it LOL

 

That's for starters :)

 

Nice list! He sounds like a great guy. Have you ever met anyone like him??

Trialbyfire Established Member

Trialbyfire

Posted
Posted
If that's the case, then there's an awful lot of men out there who have NPD.:D (Actually, that's not very funny at all.)

There's no way I can have impact on your bitterness and cynicism towards 50% of the human race. That's really sad. Maybe in time, you'll get over the hurt. :(

OpenBook Established Member

OpenBook

Posted
Posted
There's no way I can have impact on your bitterness and cynicism towards 50% of the human race. That's really sad. Maybe in time, you'll get over the hurt. :(

 

I'm sorry to hear you feel sad about it. I'm not sad. I really do like men. They have a lot of great qualities. And they sure do it for me in bed!;);)

 

I just don't trust them enough to commit myself to any of them.

Trialbyfire Established Member

Trialbyfire

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Posted
I'm sorry to hear you feel sad about it. I'm not sad. I really do like men. They have a lot of great qualities. And they sure do it for me in bed!;);)

 

I just don't trust them enough to commit myself to any of them.

Trust is a difficult one. Once again we differ in approach. I can't compartmentalize sex, love and trust. Once I make love with someone, it means that I fully trust, love and respect them. I simply can't just have sex. While this can be viewed as a negative for me, I'm not going to settle or justify, when it's not the way I'm wired or part of my core values. Circular, no? :laugh:

HeavenScent Established Member

HeavenScent

Posted
Posted
Trust is a difficult one. Once again we differ in approach. I can't compartmentalize sex, love and trust. Once I make love with someone, it means that I fully trust, love and respect them. I simply can't just have sex. While this can be viewed as a negative for me, I'm not going to settle or justify, when it's not the way I'm wired or part of my core values. Circular, no? :laugh:

 

I'm glad I am not the only one!

Trialbyfire Established Member

Trialbyfire

Posted
Posted
I'm glad I am not the only one!

Cool! Someone else who's wired the same way. Truth be told, I'm glad that I'm this way, 'cause it makes for unbelievable intensity, when it happens and more importantly, it aligns with my core values. :)

InvisibleGirl Member

InvisibleGirl

Posted
Posted

there is nothing good about it. MM recently asked me if I regretted ever having met him (we knew each other online for a long time before I finally gave into his begging to a face to face meeting).

 

Sometimes I do wish I never met him but I considered him a friend and I knew how badly he seemed to need to meet me at that time so I did it and I figured nothing would ever come of it but it would make him feel good. My life would be a lot different today had it not been for that decision almost two years ago.

 

But my answer to his question was that I can't change that we met and we are where we are today but that no one has ever made me feel as good or as bad as he does.

 

Its a terrible life to live and any man that thinks that you should be ok with being a secret to the rest of the world after he says your his best friend must not be that great of a guy...

OWoman Established Member

OWoman

Posted
Posted

Well, I guess when I was in my serial (or parallel?) OW days, my list would have included:

 

 

  • no cooking, cleaning, or other domestic drudgery spawned by them
  • no emotional laundry
  • no extra body occupying space in MY bed at night
  • no one to have to negotiate around in terms of what music I want to listen to, what I feel like doing, when I feel like eating, etc
  • the freedom to come and go as I wish
  • not having to account to anyone for my moods, my whims, my choices, my time, my pleasures
  • men on tap when I choose, and only when I choose
  • calling the shots - having it all my way, on my terms, all the time
  • getting the best, and not having to put up with the bad sides of them
  • having my own space to myself
  • enjoying my own company, or my friends, dogs, kids...
  • being able to fall asleep in the bath, with no queue banging on the door or trying to squeeze into the tub with me
  • ice cream for dinner every night for a week, if I feel like it
  • getting up in the middle of the night to dance to heavy metal music if the mood takes me
  • variety - calling the lover I feel like just then, not always having to put up with the body lying next to me
  • being able to invite friends, family or whomever I choose - or no one at all - to partner me to formal events, without someone feeling miserable because they lost out on their entitlement to go
  • being able to flirt outrageously with a clear conscience, or to keep myself to myself and not interact at all, in a social setting, as the mood takes me
  • being alone, but not lonely, knowing (very attentive) company is only a phone call away any time I want it
  • not being at anyone's beck and call - being completely in control of my own life and time and energy
  • having the different facets of myself complemented by a range of very different lovers, to suit all moods and aspects

etc. It's quite compelling, and if I hadn't toppled into lurrve with MM I'd not have given it up for anything. It's not a lifestyle of choice for EVERYONE, but it certainly did suit me.

mistresswchildren Established Member

mistresswchildren

Posted
Posted

This may sound strange, but in the beginning of the A there was a lot to love. Typically MM are looking for something that they are lacking in their marriage. A little excitement. This is why it is typically very spontaneous in the beginning. I felt loved in a way that I had never felt before. That is how people get sucked into As. It was a good thing at the time, and now I can use that experience for a good example. Feeling that loved is what you should feel ALL the time in a relationship (even if you are in a fight). I won't accept anything less from this point on.

Lookingforward Established Member

Lookingforward

Posted
Posted
Nice list! He sounds like a great guy. Have you ever met anyone like him??

 

Yes, I did, unfortunately he was only "separated" and went back to work on his marriage.

 

Then again, the reasons he did that are part of the reasons I loved him..... <sighs> it's the kind of man he is.

Lookingforward Established Member

Lookingforward

Posted
Posted
Well, I guess when I was in my serial (or parallel?) OW days, my list would have included:

 

 

  • no cooking, cleaning, or other domestic drudgery spawned by them
  • no emotional laundry
  • no extra body occupying space in MY bed at night
  • no one to have to negotiate around in terms of what music I want to listen to, what I feel like doing, when I feel like eating, etc
  • the freedom to come and go as I wish
  • not having to account to anyone for my moods, my whims, my choices, my time, my pleasures
  • men on tap when I choose, and only when I choose
  • calling the shots - having it all my way, on my terms, all the time
  • getting the best, and not having to put up with the bad sides of them
  • having my own space to myself
  • enjoying my own company, or my friends, dogs, kids...
  • being able to fall asleep in the bath, with no queue banging on the door or trying to squeeze into the tub with me
  • ice cream for dinner every night for a week, if I feel like it
  • getting up in the middle of the night to dance to heavy metal music if the mood takes me
  • variety - calling the lover I feel like just then, not always having to put up with the body lying next to me
  • being able to invite friends, family or whomever I choose - or no one at all - to partner me to formal events, without someone feeling miserable because they lost out on their entitlement to go
  • being able to flirt outrageously with a clear conscience, or to keep myself to myself and not interact at all, in a social setting, as the mood takes me
  • being alone, but not lonely, knowing (very attentive) company is only a phone call away any time I want it
  • not being at anyone's beck and call - being completely in control of my own life and time and energy
  • having the different facets of myself complemented by a range of very different lovers, to suit all moods and aspects

etc. It's quite compelling, and if I hadn't toppled into lurrve with MM I'd not have given it up for anything. It's not a lifestyle of choice for EVERYONE, but it certainly did suit me.

 

OW, that reads more like a laundry list of why it's good to be single, not necessarily an OW ;)

OpenBook Established Member

OpenBook

Posted
Posted
Yes, I did, unfortunately he was only "separated" and went back to work on his marriage.

 

Then again, the reasons he did that are part of the reasons I loved him..... <sighs> it's the kind of man he is.

 

I hear you. I'm in the same place. Only my MM never left his M... and he and I haven't had any kind of A. Yet.

 

It's funny, on some level I know it would never work out with us, even if he did leave his M. I see things about him that I would never be able to tolerate long-term. But it doesn't matter. No one else comes close. I would take anything he would be willing to give me, and be grateful for it.

 

Which is why I'm staying away from him.

OpenBook Established Member

OpenBook

Posted
Posted
Feeling that loved is what you should feel ALL the time in a relationship (even if you are in a fight). I won't accept anything less from this point on.

 

Do you even think it's possible to have this in a LTR though?? Isn't the very fleeting and risky nature of the OW/MM liaison part of what creates this kind of feeling? I'm horribly unsure.

Lookingforward Established Member

Lookingforward

Posted
Posted
I hear you. I'm in the same place. Only my MM never left his M... and he and I haven't had any kind of A. Yet.

 

It's funny, on some level I know it would never work out with us, even if he did leave his M. I see things about him that I would never be able to tolerate long-term. But it doesn't matter. No one else comes close. I would take anything he would be willing to give me, and be grateful for it.

 

Which is why I'm staying away from him.

 

Its' still hard though to feel "stuck" emotionally. My daughter tells me I have to get "unstuck" so I can be open to letting someone new in, I'm still working on that one.

 

I answered the question from Owl on another thread about what I would do if he contacted me, and I'm still uncertain what my response would be. Whether I am strong enough to only accept ALL of him, or would be tempted to be in what would amount to an EA.

mistresswchildren Established Member

mistresswchildren

Posted
Posted
Do you even think it's possible to have this in a LTR though?? Isn't the very fleeting and risky nature of the OW/MM liaison part of what creates this kind of feeling? I'm horribly unsure.

 

I know people who are like that on a daily basis. I don't mean the "can't keep your hands off each other" kind of thing. I just mean the normal decency that people in love show each other on a daily basis. Like saving the last bite of a food that they know you like, or buying a certain brand of pop even though you don't like it. I know it sounds funny, but it's stuff like that. I got that kind of stuff all the time in the beginning of the A. I would get really cold and he would go find a blanket. He watched what I wanted on television even when I told him he should turn the channel. He would play with my hair. Little stuff like that. It was all pretty domestic.

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