walkersj Posted April 5, 2008 Posted April 5, 2008 Long story as short as I can make it. Married & both faithful 33 years but the few years leading up to all this weren't going so hot - taking each other for granted, not communicating well, little intimacy. My husband began looking for something else in his life (a mid-life thing probably going on too) - and developed a friendship with a single mom he works with a couple days a week. She is 16 years younger. By the time I learned about it, he was "crazy about her" and asking to "date" her (he says there was never anything physical). She was not interested in a relationship and they never did "date". He has been a good husband and is a good person who has always been honest and trustworthy so I felt as though he was telling me the whole truth. When he shared all of this with me he also shared that he felt part of the attraction was that she reminded him of a younger me, of his lost youth, the days spent helping his children grow etc. - he "still loved me" - but wasn't happy with the way things had been going with us - and to give him credit - these weren't just typical words a guy might use to excuse his behavior - neither of us had been good to each other for awhile at that point. She made him feel hopeful and good about himself again. But we decided our relationship was worth saving so we worked on improving it and 2 years later things are 98% better then they have been in years. Still - he continues to work with her and they are still "friends". 5 months into our reconcilation, I found a card that he bought for her for Mother's Day, He cried innocent - saying they were "just friends and business associates", "he felt sorry for her since she was alone for mother's day". Feeling hurt, threatened, and suspicious - at that point I asked him to distance himself from her as much as he could and not treat her as a friend. But despite knowing how upset I was about the card, he gave it to her anyway (I almost think he did it because I found it and he was ticked off at me for that). They remained "friends" - he said he didn't know how to distance himself when he had to work with her. Over the the last 2 years, there have been 2 "lunches" out with her (and no one else), and a bottle of wine at Christmas that I became aware of and he later confessed to. When questioned about those things, he readily admitted to them without realizing that I already knew. He claims there has not been anything else and that they really are "just friends." Says he didn't share those things with me because he knew I would not understand, would become suspicious, and be hurt (DUH). During all this time, except for those few blips, our relationship has been really terrific, but because he had been dishonest with me about aspects of their "friendship", I would occassionally (every couple of months maybe) ask how things were going with her and question him about aspects of their friendship (which he says consists of seeing each other at work activities and phone calls for work-related reasons, but that during work time she tells him her personal and work problems. He says he doesn't share personal aspects of our relationship but she does know we are "back together"). When I ask, he typically gets angry or defensive saying he "doesn't like being under the microscope","wants to forget about what happened", I make him "feel guilty for an innocent friendship". "I'm through talking about this." This past December when I learned about the 2nd lunch, I finally felt like I had gotten through to him about how this "friendship" hurts me and makes me suspicious of him. He told me that he would make a real effort to distance himself from her and 4 months later, he claims he has. Problem is - I continue not to trust him - I search his office, briefcase & wallet, look at his phone records etc. Yet I have found nothing that points to any "real" relationship. But this past week or two, the volume of phone calls from her to him increased from a couple a week to 6 - 8 times, with one lasting for 30 minutes (the others were all under 7 minutes and most of them just a couple of minutes). I was pretty upset about this because I was out of town during this time and the long call perhaps pointed to a change in their relationship. In order to understand what was happening I had to confess to looking at his phone records. He claims that she was having problems at work and called to talk to him about it - the problem she was having did not involve him at all - so it was really just "her" problem. When I began pointing that out to him and getting into it again about the "friendship", he of course defended himself by saying he had distanced himself etc. And he again went back to, "you will never trust me - we need to just forget all this and go on". And of course he was angry that I was looking at his phone records. I have given him information about emotional affairs, but of course he doesn't recognize himself in the information. I do believe he loves me and I do believe he is not in a "real" relationship with her. I also believe she is not interested in him as a partner. And I believe that when he is confronted he is truthful - he just doesn't offer the information until he's asked. I'm just not sure what to do at this point to end this situation. Seems like in 35 years a couple of lunches, a card, and a bottle of wine for a co-worker over a couple of years should not be such a big deal. Problem is, all of that is out of character for him. He's never had a female "friend" before - especially one he was "crazy" about at one time. And it's the fact that he has hidden those lunches from me and continues to be her "friend and confidant" that is an issue for me. I guess I also have to admit there may have been other gifts or things I'm unaware of despite his denials. And now that he knows I'm looking at his phone records, he will figure that I'm looking at other stuff too and will be careful to hide what he doesn't want me to see - and since he won't talk about it - how will I know where things stand? So what do I do? Do I believe it really is just a friendship and accept that? Or is it an emotional affair. Can men and women really just be "friends", especially if one or both are in another relationship? Where do we go from here?
angie2443 Posted April 5, 2008 Posted April 5, 2008 Yes, your husband is having an emotional affair. When in a marriage, bieng another person's confidant and/or having them bieng your's, is crossing a line. It further develops the intimancy between you and the third party, and takes away from your relationship with your spouse. I've been there. It can mess with your mind because so many others will tell you, "their just friends" and if there's nothing physical going on, then it's innocent. Well, it will destroy your marriage if this "friendship" continues. My advice, for what it's worth, is to make sure you have a good support system around you. Then, tell your husband that this friendship has to end or the marriage is over. I know it may sound harsh to you, but your marriage will be destroyed anyways if he keeps his "friend". Seek MC if you think it will help. Good luck!
carhill Posted April 5, 2008 Posted April 5, 2008 It's an affair because it interferes with your relationship. If H's business colleague was a part of your social circle and was in your life as well and accepted as such, being "friends" is possible and even beneficial. But, because there appear to be cross-purposes, it is toxic. A clear indicator of intent would be to ask to have H share MC with you for a determinate period. I'll bet such would clarify a lot. The key IMO is acknowledging the emotional attachment and working through it. It's not just going to "go away". Your work is to acknowledge your role in the marriage (not the EA) and work on you. You can't help H; he has to help himself.
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