She wants my happiness over her own?

[that_guy]

This is a bit of a weird conversation I had with my GF of a few months today:

 

This all started by me asking her something, and there her saying I am not her ''keeper'' meaning she does not want to be controlled, or told what to do. I then said, I don't mind if you tell me what to do, if its something that bothers you, or you don't like but it should work both ways. This turned into me posing a hypothetical situation where I said something along the lines of: imagine if I met a girl through work or wherever, and we got along and started talking more and more or something, but I was positive it was a FRIENDship and would never amount to anything else, but you might see her as a threat to our RELATIONship, wouldn't you like the ability to tell me to ease up and stop anything that going on and the talking with these random girl?

 

She then proceeded to say: "I would never tell you to stop talking to some, girl or guy. Id be jealous, but if she is your friend and you like talking with her, I want you to be as happy as you can, and if you get that from somewhere else, so be it."

 

I replied with something like: "So you'd let me go that easy, you can't really be THAT attached to me"

 

And she came back with something like: "Yes, I want your happiness over mine"

 

Now, is she THE nicest girl on the face of the earth, or is something else going on here? Any opinions?

Edited April 5, 2008 by that_guy

[Trialbyfire]

And she came back with something like: "Yes, I want your happiness over mine"

She's full of crap. It has nothing to do with wanting your happiness, over her own. She's basically saying that if you're going to stray, she's gone.

[Trialbyfire]

I should clarify why I say she's full of it. She's stated that she will not be controlled. If she were a martyr, she would do whatever, to please you.

 

While I like her style, in that she wants to be her own person and isn't going to have a jealous fit over you, it's difficult to respect...full on b/s, like her last comment.

[carhill]

And dumb@ss Carhill steps in and asks "why are you all playing these stupid games with hypothetical situations after only a couple months?"

 

I can only tell you, as someone married a number of years, that such conversations never have a good outcome

[blackbird]

Now, is she THE nicest girl on the face of the earth, or is something else going on here? Any opinions?

Hard to say without knowing more of the context of your relationship and how she is within it. What's your opinion on it?

 

The kind of hands-off approach your girlfriend is talking about is distasteful to me at this point in my life. However, I understand where she's coming from because I've been that way in the past. It bespeaks a flawed view of what intimacy and independence means. "You do whatever makes you happy, and even if I don't like it, since it makes you happy I won't say anything." It could seem on the surface like a selfless and loving approach, but to me, it's really not.

 

Look at her words - your happiness over hers. As if your happiness and hers are mutually exclusive, that at some point there will be a choice to make. This kind of thinking, in my experience, stem from a sense of separation from the other as a unit, the belief that you have your desires and the other person has his/her desires and the two will tend to be in opposition rather than striving for harmony.

 

In a truly loving relationship, that does not happen. Neither person puts their own personal desires over the happiness of the unit. Neither person martyrs their own personal desires for the sake of the desires of the other. When there is conflict between desires, you talk it out and strive to resolve it together as a unit, not as two separate people. It's not about control or "telling" each other what to do, though.

 

It's important to realize that the fulfillment of one's personal and selfish desires does not equal happiness. You doing whatever you want to do does not necessarily mean you will be happy. It means you might have your desires gratified, but so what?

[blackbird]

And dumb@ss Carhill steps in and asks "why are you all playing these stupid games with hypothetical situations after only a couple months?"

 

I can only tell you, as someone married a number of years, that such conversations never have a good outcome

 

I'll disagree on this. My fiance and I have found it worthwhile to discuss similar hypothetical (but reasonably likely) situations that might cause waves in our relationship before they happen, ever since we have been together. It helps us to learn about each other and ourselves. Not to say that they're always helpful, but they can be. It depends.

[Ocean-Blue]

This is a bit of a weird conversation I had with my GF of a few months today:

 

This all started by me asking her something, and there her saying I am not her ''keeper'' meaning she does not want to be controlled, or told what to do. I then said, I don't mind if you tell me what to do, if its something that bothers you, or you don't like but it should work both ways. This turned into me posing a hypothetical situation where I said something along the lines of: imagine if I met a girl through work or wherever, and we got along and started talking more and more or something, but I was positive it was a FRIENDship and would never amount to anything else, but you might see her as a threat to our RELATIONship, wouldn't you like the ability to tell me to ease up and stop anything that going on and the talking with these random girl?

 

She then proceeded to say: "I would never tell you to stop talking to some, girl or guy. Id be jealous, but if she is your friend and you like talking with her, I want you to be as happy as you can, and if you get that from somewhere else, so be it."

 

I replied with something like: "So you'd let me go that easy, you can't really be THAT attached to me"

 

And she came back with something like: "Yes, I want your happiness over mine"

 

Now, is she THE nicest girl on the face of the earth, or is something else going on here? Any opinions?

 

Maybe she expects you to think for yourself. It could be that she doesn't want you to come to her, asking her what you should do. If you think a situation is inappropriate (i.e. developing a friendship with a co-worker), don't do it.

 

She may just be the type of person who does her own thing and wants her man to do the same (and by "own thing" I mean makes up her own mind without being told what to do).

[carhill]

I'll disagree on this. My fiance and I have found it worthwhile to discuss similar hypothetical (but reasonably likely) situations that might cause waves in our relationship before they happen, ever since we have been together. It helps us to learn about each other and ourselves. Not to say that they're always helpful, but they can be. It depends.

Would you like one slightly used hair stylist who would cut your member off for even asking such a question as posed in the OP? I have one for sale

 

One thing I've learned from being married. Don't listen to what women say; watch what they do.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I see it as more of subtly manipulative thing. Perhaps she said "I want your happiness over mine" as a way to appear to be such a nice person that you wouldn't even think of actually putting your happiness ahead of hers by running around on her. Sort of throwing in some preemptive guilt to keep you in line.