survivingacontroller Posted April 5, 2008 Posted April 5, 2008 I divorced my ex husband last year and it's been a rollercoaster. My ex has severe controlling issues, is a master manipulator and has a huge ego. I have periods when he is really nice and kind, then he gets really nasty when things don't go his way, or I don't give in to him. He now has a gf, which to me has been wonderful, because he leaves me alone. No emails, no phone calls, no unannounced coming round. It also means when he has visitation, and drops the kids off back at my place, he doesn't stay for coffee and go sit in the lounge. These past two weeks though have been terrible. I finally got the bug to redecorate the lounge, it was just the same as when we were married and I thought it was time to change things around, make the place my own rather than the shrine to the marriage it was. In decorating, I also decided that all his belongings that were still here would be bagged up and given to him. I thought there was no need for them to be in my place so I gave them back to him. He said it made him feel comfy when he come over, saw the place the same and knew his stuff was here. I don't wish to make him feel comfy, we are not married any more. So then he starts IM'ing me, we made arrangements to see some concerts in June. He then said he didn't want to go with me so instead of both going to both concerts, he said he would go to one with a friend and I could have the other. So I said ok. Then he told me he had a new gf. I thought about the concerts, and felt uncomfy going to one that I would have been with him at, so I told him I didn't feel right going as he brought all the tickets, and I said I didn't want my tickets, he could go to both. He said I made him feel guilty as we were supposed to go together but he backed out. I said no worries, If I want to go to the concert I would arrange my own tickets. He came over last weekend after dropping the kids off and came in. It was our son's birthday. I got upset with him being there, now he has a gf I don't think it's right he spends time with me. He started hugging me and stroking me. I got more upset so went upstairs while he sat with our son. I went to my bedroom and removed all his clothes and suits from the closet and emptied the chest of his underwear and ties and stuff, then bagged it all up. He came up after an hour and asked if I was ok. I was, I showed him the clothes and said you need to take these. He started to cry. I consoled him, then he tried to out his hand up my top, I said no please don't it isn't fair on me or your gf. We sat on the bed and talked. He said we should never have got divorced, should be together for ever. I said if we got back together I would want to get free again and he would still want to talk to his gf. He said true. He then cuddled me on the bed, intertwined his legs in mine, and kept on cuddling and stuff, I kept trying to get up, he wouldn't let me. I said no again, this isn't right, we are divorced and you have a gf. He got annoyed. He put his stuff in the car, looked real sad and left. Since then it's been bad. I've been told I am a bad mother, he has been viscous and nasty. He said I should be moving on, but I already was. He said I was jealous of his new gf, I said no I was grateful to her for taking him of my hands, and if I ever met her I would hug her. He said he was the better parent, but he never calls the kids anymore when it's no visitation, he used to all the time then speak to me at the end of the call. He said I always run to my friends for help, never him, so that meant to him that if we got back together, I would have to ditch my friends, as he would want to be my support. Because I won't ditch my friends, that makes me a no go woman. But I said but I don't want you, I divorced you, I said sometimes it hurts and I am sad, but I get over it and my friends help me with that. The last handover was particularly bad. He waited when the kids were out the way, he said again he was the better parent, I make mistakes with our kids and he doesn't. He said I was a bad mother. It always happens this way. UNless I give in and have sex with him, he gets super evil. He hasn't contacted me. I know he is making me wait til he unleashes his attack and tells me off. I know this, I lived with this. If I do have sex with him, he is ok for a couple of days then gets nasty again. If I don't have sex with him I get punished for it. I'm not going to contact him, although I feel I should in order to get it out the way, let he berate me then he will be quiet again. So I fight the urge to contact him and get it over and done with. How on earth do I go NC when we have kids together? Is there a way of doing that? Oh and he is in therapy, 2 months after the divorce he said he knew he had issues and wanted to fix them. So he has been in therapy for months and months. If anything, he got worse rather then better, it like he gets the idea he was right to be like he is, because he does it to me even more or he isn't being honest with the therapist about what he does to me. I hope one day this will all stop and we can be good parents with a good parenting relationship, but I don't think it's going to happen. So I need to protect myself and no contact is how to do it I think. Is no contact the way for me?
carhill Posted April 5, 2008 Posted April 5, 2008 Hey, swear out an assault warrant and he'll take notice NC can work with kids. Neutral transfer point and no conversation beyond what's pertinent to them. I call it a silence sandwich. You can't make him shut up, but you don't have to respond. You're divorced (I presume this is official) and he's assaulting you if sexual relations are against your will. File that complaint today.
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