strongertoday Posted April 5, 2008 Posted April 5, 2008 hello all.... This is my first LDR....and couldnt have picked further away, 10,500 miles...lol.....we have been friends about 18 months and became close at christmas and he visited before easter...wonderful, perfect, connection like I couldnt believe. We talk about everything, past present and future and he wants me **smile** The girlfriend before me was a very up and down relationship...hurt him terribly and has turned into a not nice person since she left him...in with the wrong crowd...lost her job....addicted to drugs....etc. My guy feels sorry for her and tries to help her out....babysit and spend time with her.....but she plays on it....at times refuses to get up and go home......or rings with a problem that needs sorting NOW....He gets texts or calls daily and sees her a few nights or days a week.... My guy is a nice guy....he would give up his last dollar. But its so obvious she is using him til the next guy comes along....but she wont meet a new guy sitting on my guys couch.... He says he feels nothing for her and that she cant hurt him anymore...but the time he spends with her hurts me....the fear that when they get together and drink and things get angry and verbal fights happen....and the sheer lack of time if he spends all night up drinking and watching tv with her then sleeps all day I hardly get a chance to chat with him.... (selfish I know) and he says he misses OUR time.... This has become such a problem now I know he doesnt tell me stuff like if she calls or if he sees her and waits til I ask....she is always telling him not to tell me so I dont get upset, encouraging him to lie.... He loves me I know.,...he is planning to move here in 6 months....I have no doubt about that.... My problem is I have fallen for the nice guy.... Any advice??
Nevermind Posted April 5, 2008 Posted April 5, 2008 What would you like him to do? Stop contact with her? Tell you about every contact he has with her? You need to be sure what you need from him, or else you will confuse him. Also, do you feel uneasy about her or about him? I mean, do you completely trust him? If so, you should tell him imho. He might take your uneasiness as a sign of lacking trust. Can you make a schedule, or agree on times to chat/call? Maybe this could help both of you. Are you already doing this?
Author strongertoday Posted April 5, 2008 Author Posted April 5, 2008 I trust him completely as far as them getting back together.... I dont trust HER.... when he is with her they drink and she tries all manner of stuff.... there is a HUGE history of her throwing knives and stealing and using him up and throwing him out...or alternatively kissing him and doing over the top things for attention....... He is just too trusting and too nice and gives her the attention she craves so its not like she will move on...He says he cant abandon her while her life is so bad just before he met me in person he told her he wouldnt socialise with her just babysit....I was so happy.....a way to help and not get sucked back into her very nagative patterns....he is back from the visit here 1 week and she was back sleeping on his couch all weekend (oh and the taps of the keyboard wake her up so no chatting to me online) He is very communicative to me always...phone call and texts daily....but its like he has 2 women...the real one to be with and me to love..... Im so confused...lol
Nevermind Posted April 5, 2008 Posted April 5, 2008 (oh and the taps of the keyboard wake her up so no chatting to me online) Wow. Way over the top. He should not bother about that. If little princess can't sleep, little princess should go home. What do you mean with babysit btw? Do they have a child? I think your concern are reasonable. Having a recent ex come over to sleep, stopping contact with the actual girlfriend, because it might inconvenience the ex...not good behaviour. He might be a really great guy, but he invites the bad girl into his life and might drive the good one away. Imho.
Author strongertoday Posted April 5, 2008 Author Posted April 5, 2008 Her child, not one with him... they lived together 11 months so he cares about the child..and with a mum addicted to drugs and partying I totally understand and agree with him being there for the child....just not for the mum.... He is a very well educated and smart man...but has been hurt by women alot and is really vulnerable....and wants her to get a job and "then she will be out of my life" thing is she had a job when this carry on started. Do I sound mad? Do I sound like I think they will get back together? Do I need to eat lots of chocolate??
Nevermind Posted April 5, 2008 Posted April 5, 2008 You don't sound mad. And you don't need chocolate. What is he doing for her to get better? What is he doing so she can get a job and get out of his life? You said he is drinking and watching tv with her. HOW is that helping? Where was the baby when she slept on his couch?
Author strongertoday Posted April 5, 2008 Author Posted April 5, 2008 He has worked on her CV...he minds the child so she can go out and meet people (tho she usually just goes out to score drugs then end up back on his couch).....Ive talked to him alot over the last few hours...I have to just larn to deal with this or I will loose him.... I hate knowing she is there...... so much pain she brings his life
Miad's Princess Posted April 5, 2008 Posted April 5, 2008 I agree with nevermind, and I think she is manipulating him. You say you trust him but you don't trust her. Thing is even if she did try something he can refuse so you shouldn't worry about what she might do. The thing I would worry about is. This pain she brings to his life he is welcoming it by socialising with her the way he does. IMO it's great that he babysits etc but why does she need to sleep at his house!!!! He isn't helping her by letting her do that or sitting drinking with her. There is no need for it, and when she is there it's effecting your relationship. He needs to tell her straight and stop being so nice, your feelings are more important than hers.
TMichaels Posted April 5, 2008 Posted April 5, 2008 (edited) My question is, what was a "Mr. Nice Guy," who is educated and intelligent, doing having a relationship with a alcohol and illegal substance-abusing, single mother in the first place? She may not have had these problems when they were dating, but few people just adopt such a lifestyle at the drop of a hat. While it's all well and good to help out a friend who's going through a bad patch, but there comes a point where "help" is just another form of "enabling." Your b/f needs to recognize that his ex- needs more help than he can give. And, she needs to quit being manipulative, using your b/f as crutch and cop on to the fact, *she* is responsible for her life and its making. Having said all that, however, my guess is, if *you* make a big issue out of *her* at the moment, you'll probably cause problems between you and your b/f. I'm not suggesting you ignore the presence of this woman in your b/f's life, but if you come across as angry or jealous, or give him an ultimatum to decide between you two, he's not going to thank you. He's trying to be Mother Theresa, yet build a relationship with someone 10,000+ miles away. It's obvious which woman is better "girlfriend material," but he feels a certain amount of guilt or responsibility to help get the ex- on her own two feet. It sounds to me as though he recognizes the fact the ex- can be a "vortex of need," and that's why he's begun to set boundaries in terms of how/when or why he'll help. He may very well wish he could get out of this situation, but being the "Nice Guy" he is, he'll continue to do what he can, hoping that her life will turn around -- and, he's not going to take kindly to the notion that someone else is telling him he's a fool or an idiot for being a compassionate guy. Since you two have already discussed geographically moving closer to one another and that's only six months away, my advice to you would be to try to tolerate the situation for the time being. Give him space to try and work this mess out on his own while letting him know how much you love him, miss him, and are looking forward to being with him in "X" months. Talk about plans the two of you have for when you're together -- where, when, how? Hopes, dreams, fantasies... the whole gamut. IOW, keep things moving toward the goal of the two of you being and building a life together. He'd have to be a fool not to recognize how "unlike" an existence your life together would be compared to to the one he has now. So, six months go by and what happens if he's still being content playing the role of a Social Worker for the ex- and delays or doesn't move to where you are because of her? Duh. Turn on your pretty little heel and never look back. If he derives more satisfaction out of playing the savior and nursemaid than he does to being in a relationship with a loving, balanced partner, then he has more problems than you think, and has absolutely no business being in *your* life. Best, TMichaels Edited April 5, 2008 by TMichaels
Author strongertoday Posted April 5, 2008 Author Posted April 5, 2008 TMichaels......thank you You are so very right....part of my appeal to him is the fact i am a bit older and more mature and not as 'nuts' as all these past g/f's....some times I guess we just need to read it...and what you said makes **perfect** sense.... The ex g/f turned up today at my b/f house with the delightful news that she has a new love interest...so I am hopful that this might make the full on weekend sleep over thing happen less often....and I can live with them being friends if she isnt in his house so much.... (right this minutes she is MIA, supposedly gone for take away food but thats an hour ago....and yes he gave her alot of cash to pay for it **sigh**) I appreciate the advice from you all beyond belief...thank you....this is a fabulous place to visit... HUGS
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