roywilliams Posted April 5, 2008 Posted April 5, 2008 so ive been seeing this girl i met at my job since october and everything was great for the 1st few months. shes everything ive ever wanted and she tells me i do all the little things that her past boyfriends didnt do. We spent almost everyday together up until january. Then she starts to come up with excuses about how she cant see me today etc. Then she tells me that she just wants to be friends. I agree. She comes over 2 days later and she says that she loves me and wants to give it another try. So everything is great again...almost better than before.On valentines day she starts the same thing up again and i press her for answers and i get the i dont have time line. so this goes on for 2 weeks and then she comes back to me . this time for only 3 days. It was a monday about 4 weeks ago i believe..at 8am she sends me a text that reads "i miss you and i wish i didnt have to work. see you soon". at 2pm "i need to make up my mind about you". So i know whats coming so i go see her and she tells me that she doesnt have time for a boyfriend and that shes sorry and she said "i would have loved for this to have happened 3 months ago" which makes no sense. We were together 3 months prior. So im crushed and i make the mistake of texting her all this stuff that i wish i could take back. Not because i didnt mean it , because it wasnt the right things to say at that time...and this texting goes on for a week or 2 and it was alot of texts from me and most of the time she didnt even respond. i apologized for the texts. Then last monday i send her a text asking if we could hang out soon...my thinking is that shes done this twice before she will come back again. she responds with you are acting all kinds of crazy lately. slow it down. So then i stopped contacting her completely. Its been 10+ days since i sent her anything. a couple days ago she sent me a message asking for a dvd that she knows i dont have or never had which struck me as odd. i just cut contact all of sudden. she may wonder what happened. she is a girl who likes attention. good or bad. the hardest part is the hope that today will be the day she texts and i get nothing. she makes me so happy and i think about her nonstop... 1. Why do you think she ended it 2. What was the point of her text about the dvd she knows i dont have 3. Should i hold out any hope that she will come back 4. Am i doing the right thing by not contacting her now Thanks
sedona Posted April 5, 2008 Posted April 5, 2008 What you've described - both her ambivalence and your reactions to it -- are simply a modified version of what I've been living for the past 8 months. Sounds like she's afraid of commitment. As soon as things get really good, then she backs off. Then when things get more distant, she comes closer. A never-ending cycle. Yes, she might come back to you, but unless she deals with the reasons for why she pushes you away, then odds are the same pattern will repeat itself. Less contact or NC is probably the best option for you. What won't work is trying to get closer to her by trying to talk to her about your feelings, etc. Your "overreaction" is typical. Your feelings haven't changed and you're completely bewildered by how she is suddenly so distant. But when you try to come closer, she feels smothered. When you're getting less from someone, it is not appropriate to give them more. This is a very painful situation for the person in your position. Again, my reply is based only on what you posted here. But to me, the pattern is instantly recognizable. Unfortunately.
vivrantflo Posted April 5, 2008 Posted April 5, 2008 and she tells me i do all the little things that her past boyfriends didnt do. Red Flag #1 ... She's comparing you to exes...Any woman, that's emotionally available, has no need or desire to compare a man of interest to prior exes.. We spent almost everyday together up until january. Then she starts to come up with excuses about how she cant see me today etc. Then she tells me that she just wants to be friends. I agree. She comes over 2 days later and she says that she loves me and wants to give it another try. Red Flag #2.. All of a sudden she has no time for you?? Change of schedule?? Classes?? If nothing in her schedule has changed, the time that she can't make for you, is being made for someone else. So everything is great again...almost better than before.On valentines day she starts the same thing up again and i press her for answers and i get the i dont have time line. so this goes on for 2 weeks and then she comes back to me. Red Flag #3.. Sounds like things didn't work out too well with the other guy, so she comes back to you.. My guess.. is that on Valentines Day, the other guy made a smooth move, and got her thinking about him. Things didnt work out again, so she's back to you. sigh.. these women... she doesnt have time for a boyfriend and that shes sorry and she said "i would have loved for this to have happened 3 months ago" which makes no sense. We were together 3 months prior. Makes sense to me. She likes you, but either a recent ex that she mentioned earlier is back in the picture.. or theres another off and on guy she met shortly before you. 1. Why do you think she ended it 2. What was the point of her text about the dvd she knows i dont have 3. Should i hold out any hope that she will come back 4. Am i doing the right thing by not contacting her now 1. I just explained it. 2. She's looking for reasons to contact you. She wants to make sure she still has you on a string. As she's messing around with another guy. 3. Going by her silly patterns... yeah, she'll come back.. but do you want to deal with her indecisiveness?? Can you handle her leaving you again? 4. Yes you are. I could be totally off here, but it's my opinion going by the points that jumped out at me. Whether my reasons are correct or not, she DOES have issues, and is not ready to be with you on a committed level. I'd walk away.
Author roywilliams Posted April 5, 2008 Author Posted April 5, 2008 thanks for the replies to answer your red flags 1. i completely agree with you and she didnt do it often. she would just make a comment about it sometimes 2. we dont work at the same place anymore. shes going to school now but there is time available if she wanted to see me. 3. a few days after valentines day i asked her if she was seeing someone else and she said no. this time is does feel like she is seeing someone else though or she has something else going on in her life that she doesnt want to talk about. if she was seeing someone it would have to be someone new. she broke up with her boyfriend to be with me . and she hates him. i would imagine that if she is with anyone its someone at her new job. im just gonna let things sit where they are and not dig a deeper hole by sending her more texts.
vivrantflo Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 If she is seeing someone else, she's not going to admit that to you. You know why?? Cause you'd walk away from her completely.. and thats not what she wants.. It would be harder to keep you on a string if she confessed to you there's another man she has interest in. Yeah, you're a smart guy, and you know how to handle this.. in theory it's simple. But when you hear her voice, or see her name on your celly, it's hard. But try not to text her anymore.. You can do it man.
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