Wife May Be Cheating On Deployment!

[dsddr]

I've been with my wife for 3 1/2 years now and we just got married in Oct. She just got deployed to Iraq in Feb and she had a lot of plans that she wanted me to do while she was gone. She and she switched the account the BAH (basic allowance for housing) goes into. We lost the apt because I could not pay the 900 a month rent and plus the other bills. I'm a massage therapist but a full time premed student so I have no time for anything. I had to put all of our stuff in storage and moved back home. I now drive 2 hours one way to school and work. Well tonight in one of her emails she mentioned she wants me to sign over storage to one of her friends so she can take care of it and I won't have to worry about it. In next email I was kind of rude to her saying that no one is touching storage but me and asking her why she took the money away, because the BAH is meant for the spouse not for her to horde. She then wrote back something about anulment, I think she may be cheating I just found this website and thought I'd ask you guys Please I need help

[Nevermind]

Why do you think she is cheating? Nothing of your post indicates any of it.

 

I'm a massage therapist but a full time premed student so I have no time for anything.

 

Well tonight in one of her emails she mentioned she wants me to sign over storage to one of her friends so she can take care of it and I won't have to worry about it.

 

This seems like she was trying to take the burden from you.

 

She and she switched the account the BAH (basic allowance for housing) goes into.

 

What was her reason for doing so?

[TechDude]

Why do you think she is cheating? Nothing of your post indicates any of it.

 

The following sounds concerning to me ...

 

asking her why she took the money away, because the BAH is meant for the spouse not for her to horde. She then wrote back something about anulment,

 

I don't know much about the US military, but from other posts I have read, it seems to me that if she does not come up with some reasonable answers pretty quick, you could approach the military yourself about this. If she is doing the wrong thing here, they would soon sort her out.

 

We lost the apt because I could not pay the 900 a month rent and plus the other bills ... in one of her emails she mentioned she wants me to sign over storage to one of her friends

So, she knows you lost the apartment, however, you posted nothing about her reaction to that.

 

Based on what you have posted, I'd be concerned too that something is not right. Don't know that I'd leap straight to the A assumption, but you nonetheless need some straight answers to some concerning questions.

[SoxPrincess]

Military Wife of 10 years here, I was also in the Army for 5 years and I can tell you with 150% certainty that she CANNOT "move" the BAH and not allow you access to it. BAH is for the spouse/family whether the spouse is female or male and you are entitled to that, especially while she is deployed. The fact that you lost your apartment due to her keeping the BAH from you can get her in A LOT of trouble with her Chain of Command; they seriously frown upon actions like this..again, especially because she is deployed.

 

Are you familiar with and/or can you contact your Family Readiness Group Leader? If that's not possible, can you find out who the Rear Deployment Commander/Coordinator is? I would start with either of these two points of contact, inform them of your situation and see what your options are. If they cannot offer you guidance, which is unlikely, then go higher up the Chain Of Command until you find someone that can guide you in the right direction. As a spouse of someone in the military, you are entitled to that money..no matter what her reasoning is for moving it. I am the FRG Leader for my Husbands unit and I deal with this A LOT; trust me, as soon as you contact someone, this situation will be rectified. When my H & I went through a rough time last year, he took my ATM card away from me and switched bank accounts; I got in touch with the Commander and had access to the bank account before the end of the day. Yes, she may get in trouble, but that is YOUR money too and that's all the military will care about.

 

As far as whether or not she's cheating; unfortunately it happens a lot in the military and even more during deployments. Obviously I can't say for certain if that's the case with your W, but something is definitely "up" if she's moving finances and asking or mentioning an annulment.

 

I wish you lots of luck & if you have any other questions, feel free to ask and I'll try my best to answer!

[Gunny376]

Per DOD regulations? Your not entitled to her BAH?

 

But you are entitled to up to 80% of her Base Pay? Service members draw BAH because they're married or because they are authorized to live off base.

 

For example? I drew BAH as a single Corporal because of "inadequate housing"

[carhill]

OP, don't speculate about her behavior; take care of ensuring the benefits that are due you as a military dependent/spouse. As our military members have stated, you deserve them and can get them. Do not be concerned about any potential impact on her. She made choices that definitely hurt you and possibly have hurt her career. If you have access to counseling (check with the military first), I'd suggest it. For her to consider annulment after a 3 1/2 year relationship and 6 month marriage, something is seriously wrong. You have my sympathies....

[Walk]

A lot of stress going on in both of your lives right now.

 

The BAH is included in her bi-weekly payment, isn't it? You're saying she took every last cent she was earning and changed financial institutions on you?

 

I think we're not getting the full story. In fact, I'd say I'm positive about that. The majority of people who cheat, don't want to get caught. Calling attention to her behavior by switching where her direct deposit was going (and leaving him with no money) will draw a lot of attention to herself. Why would she do that? Unless her real motivation for pulling her money away was because she was pissed at him.

 

I don't know where the two of you live, but is $900 really appropriate for a couple where only one person earns an income?

 

BAH payments only cover what the average rental cost of a one-bedroom apartment would be. (I'm assuming you don't have kids) And although her payrate may be enough to cover the rent and all expenses for you, I don't think it would also cover all her expenses. (Corps always had a million things I HAD to purchase or get punished for it)

 

The last year I was in was only a few years ago, and my pay rate (with BAH) barely covered the $600 mortgage payment, utilities, food for my husband, and incidentals he needed. I was chronically bouncing checks to cover his expenses and getting in trouble with the Corps for it. If I'd had the balls I would've switched banks and cut him off.

 

Not to mention, you don't have a job and you live off of her. I don't care if you are going to school or not. Then you insult her because it's her money and she was pissed enough to yank away your comfy existence. Now you have to drive a couple hours. She's in Iraq. You're living with your mom and dad safely tucked into bed each night.

 

The point of this.. her actions indicate she's pissed at you for things you're doing. Not simply because she's cheating on you. If it was only about illicit sex with a fellow solider then you'd never know about it. Her feelings about YOU are coming through pretty loudly though.

[BUENG1]

A lot of stress going on in both of your lives right now.

 

The BAH is included in her bi-weekly payment, isn't it? You're saying she took every last cent she was earning and changed financial institutions on you?

 

I think we're not getting the full story. In fact, I'd say I'm positive about that. The majority of people who cheat, don't want to get caught. Calling attention to her behavior by switching where her direct deposit was going (and leaving him with no money) will draw a lot of attention to herself. Why would she do that? Unless her real motivation for pulling her money away was because she was pissed at him.

 

I don't know where the two of you live, but is $900 really appropriate for a couple where only one person earns an income?

 

BAH payments only cover what the average rental cost of a one-bedroom apartment would be. (I'm assuming you don't have kids) And although her payrate may be enough to cover the rent and all expenses for you, I don't think it would also cover all her expenses. (Corps always had a million things I HAD to purchase or get punished for it)

 

The last year I was in was only a few years ago, and my pay rate (with BAH) barely covered the $600 mortgage payment, utilities, food for my husband, and incidentals he needed. I was chronically bouncing checks to cover his expenses and getting in trouble with the Corps for it. If I'd had the balls I would've switched banks and cut him off.

 

Not to mention, you don't have a job and you live off of her. I don't care if you are going to school or not. Then you insult her because it's her money and she was pissed enough to yank away your comfy existence. Now you have to drive a couple hours. She's in Iraq. You're living with your mom and dad safely tucked into bed each night.

 

The point of this.. her actions indicate she's pissed at you for things you're doing. Not simply because she's cheating on you. If it was only about illicit sex with a fellow solider then you'd never know about it. Her feelings about YOU are coming through pretty loudly though.

 

Where do you get this from he said in his post he works and goes to school full time.

[carhill]

Can't speak to the OP's situation, but my friend's daughter/husband get 1200/mo BAH. She does not work and has an 8 month old child. Husband was deployed (non-com) in Navy, but is now home due to ship in drydock. Domicile is VA. They just moved into a nice 2BR condo in Newport News. They're looking to buy a similar type domicile. I thought the BAH to be quite adequate for someone who is frugal regarding housing.

 

The OP's situation is obviously different, but the underlying marital issues appear to be driving the financial rancor. One cannot be easily remedied or controlled; the other (proper allocation of benefits) can. The OP did what he had to do to stay solvent in the short term. He was lucky to have family to help.

[Nevermind]

I am more with walk on this. Something is strange here. And the OP's story does not give any hint or explanation for the cheating.

 

I wonder if this

 

she had a lot of plans that she wanted me to do while she was gone.

and this

I have no time for anything.

are related.

 

However, the wife in question did not behave well. You cannot close an account to a dependent spouse without informing them beforehand and discussing the issue. Counceling sounds like a good idea.

[Darth Vader]

If she really is cheating, I'd try to prove it, If I were you. Infidelity is illegal in the military!

[dsddr]

sorry my first post was kind of random but i was really upset and honestly I have not been able to calm down the slightest. My wifes response to losing the apartment was nothing when I told she didn't even care she just told me to move back home. Every question I ask her I get the government two step around it. I asked her why she switched the account and she said cause she didn't have access to any money so she switched it back to her single account well thats a lie cause she lost that debit card too. I ask her why can't she just send me the BAH and keep everything else and she asks like she didn't read that. I love my wife very much and I don't want it to end but i honestly feel like she married me just for the extra money from the army.

[dsddr]

and i just think that she may be cheating cause she really doesnt care about what happens over here to me right now. Before she left I drove to Ga from OH just to say goodbye and then drove back that day. I love her with all of my heart and I would never let these things happen to her that I have to deal with. I know that sounds so selfish cause she is in a warzone and I pray for her everyday but still if I was over there I would at least want her to be taken care of.

[dsddr]

our plans before she left she wanted me to get a new car, and new furniture and tons more. I work almost full time I'm a massage therapist and I go to the gym twice a day cause I'm training for a BB competition in May and I go to school full time 19hrs. again I love her and the way she is acting and the things she is doing just isn't making any sense right now.

[dsddr]

One more reply when i drove down to Ga to say goodbye she gave me her power of attorney papers and I didn't look at it until the other day but it was expired before she gave it to me. It expired the 5th of Jan but she gave it to me on the 15th of Feb

[Walk]

When is the last time you and your wife actually spent time together (other then saying goodbye in GA)?

 

I work almost full time I'm a massage therapist and I go to the gym twice a day cause I'm training for a BB competition in May and I go to school full time 19hrs

 

You work full time, and go to school full time? And you work out at the gym twice a day while doing all this? When did you have time to spend with your wife (before her deployment)?

 

So far, what I've read in your posts sounds rather impossible. You said you are actually able to put in 27 hours a day when all the rest of us can only find 24. That's pretty amazing. How do you do this? That's not even throwing in the twice a day body building. Add in two hours for that, and you're up to 29 hrs a day. WOW!!

[Walk]

One more reply when i drove down to Ga to say goodbye she gave me her power of attorney papers and I didn't look at it until the other day but it was expired before she gave it to me. It expired the 5th of Jan but she gave it to me on the 15th of Feb

 

It really doesn't matter what I think about what may be wrong with the situation you're facing. What stands out most to me is that your wife is preparing her fiances in order to leave you. That's what I see in your posts.

 

I don't know what you want to do about it. Or even if there is much you can do at this point in time. However, if you don't want the marriage to end, then you need to start communicating with your wife in an honest and open way.

 

I don't know how to explain this to you in a way you'll understand... your wife earned all the money to pay for everything you do. She's in a hostile environment that requires she be on call 24/7 in adverse conditions. She's had it beat into her head that weak links die, and to be coddled is to be a wuss, a loser, a piece o' crap. Her money has been supporting you while you do things that are for you. When she cut the money off, you sought out the next available person who would continue to support you.

 

You aren't offering her much in return for her fiancial support. Your life is focused on what you want to do. When you emailed her about the money you expressed that she was "hording it", even though SHE earned it and you did not. You aren't capable of supporting yourself. You aren't offering her support or encouragement, you are distracting her attention from what she NEEDS to accomplish out there. And ultimately, you don't NEED her money in order to continue doing what you want to do with your life. So then the issue comes down to what are you upset with her about? You need her money in order to live more comfortably. But she isn't comfortable, and she isn't doing the things she truly wants to do with her life. So she ends up jealous, bitter, and resentful toward you.

 

I think you're seeing your hardship, and feeling sorry for yourself. Instead of saying to your wife (as soon as she took the money away) "Hey, is there a problem with us and what can we do to resolve this?" You attacked her instead and proclaimed she was hording money. YOu placed yourself in the victim role. You assume she cheating (which she may be) which also throws you into the victim role. She's a soldier who has been forced to accept a certain mentality towards life, and victim isn't a possiblity in her current situation. Your world revolves around you, and it's not attractive to someone who isn't living in a civilian world.

 

Ultimately, money isn't your real problem... unless all you really care about is the money and how it benefits you. Your problem is your wife is going to end the marriage when she gets home. You either start trying to figure out how you are contributing toward her unhappiness with the marriage and attempt to fix it, or you can play the victim and then be confused and pissed after she leaves you for good. This is completely up to you.