How do I do this?

[aloona]

I've recently started dating a good man. I'm 37 and he is 44. He is a quality guy, with a solid income, similar job as mine, handsome and smart. Yet, I keep going back and forth between loving him and liking him and being completely not into him at all. Our chemistry is amazing. However, I am turned off by some of his qualities or lackings. I am a very outdoorsy person... he really isn't. He doesn't really put fitness as a priority and I had always hoped for someone to hike, bike, run, ski with. These things aren't really his things. I had always hoped for a lot of laughter in my life. though he makes me laugh sometimes, our humor doesn't really mesh. He lacks focus to discuss and communicate with me for a long time. He gets distracted really easily. I am at an age that I am ready to settle down, but I really, really don't want to be settling. Do you think that I am making up excuses to not commit or connect with him? Do you think that I am trying to make things work with someone I'm not fundamentally compatible with?

[Amy22]

I can't really say if you are making these things up to not commit or connect with him. Only you can answer that question. It does seem like you two have a lot of differences. But if people are willing to do things for the other person because they care about them I think they can work out through differences. Noone is going to like everything you like. And I know you are not saying someone should. For example you said he doesn't like to do out door stuff. Is he willing to try it or do it because it is something you enjoy? Are you willing to do somethings he enjoys that you don't? I think it is all about compromise. I think people can have differences they just have to compromise and do things both parties enjoy. The humor not meshing. I am not sure there is anything you can do about that.

 

I do have to ask what you see in this guy? What do you like about him? You didn't state any good things or really anything else about your relationship. How long have you two been dating?

 

Amy

[shanny]

If he is openminded to your interests and willing to compromise and try something new, then great. If he is not willing to go for a hike with you every once in a while, then it probably won't work. Have you talked about compromise?

[TheFonz]

Do you think that I am making up excuses to not commit or connect with him? Do you think that I am trying to make things work with someone I'm not fundamentally compatible with?

 

I think most women do this. It kind of sounds like the only thing he has going for him is looks and money. And you either value other things more, or you just want it all and more than you can reasonably get.

[carhill]

OP, my instinct is move on, especially if you've been dating a couple of months. It'll never be better than it is now. I specifically note the lack of humor meshing and communication style disparities. I'm assuming those issues are important to you.

 

I'm assuming anyone who's attracted to someone to consider them handsome, so how about the other positives....how important is money and intelligence to you? Oddly (compared to your observation), I find often that intelligence and humor go hand in hand. A quick mind is a fertile playground

 

Lastly, how is the sexual vibe? When you say you waffle between being into him and not, I might see that as a red flag. Is your attraction level low?

[thehappycynic]

Do you think that I am trying to make things work with someone I'm not fundamentally compatible with?

 

Yes.

 

And while you're trying to make it work with him, you could missing The One.

[Storyrider]

You say the chemistry is good, but what you describe seems to contradict that. You don't describe a spark. Do you mean he has good technique in bed?

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Don't try to fit a square peg into a round hole. This pretty much sums up my dating life.