Unsure

[Dutchess]

Well this is going to be a long story. Basically I was dating a man named J back in 2003 for 2 years, he was the love of my life and I cared about him a lot. We were friends for 5 years before dating. Before dating J I was in a abusive relationship, and when I sent that person to jail I started dating J. Towards the end of the 2 years of dating J I was having nightmares about my abusive ex and was terrified of him coming to get me or breaking into my house. So I went to psychiatrist for anti-anxiety medication and for bi-polar disorder. I didn't know at the time but the medication was causing some extremely erratic behavior, causing me to have major outbursts, crying, and doing things very unusual of my normal behavior.

 

So while I was taking the medication I met J's friend named R. I immediately was attracted to R and broke up with J right away. R and I had a very strong sexual attraction and I lost my virginity to him in a month, despite have never slept with my previous bf. I finally got off off the medication and realized that I was really spinning out of control. I went back to J but he had moved on and was heartbroken by me leaving him. So I stayed with R, we have now been married for over 3.5 years.

 

Looking back on it I realize I married R to get away from my family, and for security. He bought me a car, a house, and was a very good to me. My parents kicked me out of their house when I graduated highschool and I was left with nothing. I know that these are the wrong reasons to get married, but at the time I didn't have enough strength in myself to figure out what I had to do.

 

R quickly moved me across the country so I would be far away from my ex and friends. R is a very loving and sweet man, but disappoints me quit a bit. He has never remembered my birthday and works late almost everyday when not needed. We have a son together who just turned 1.

 

I am trying to figure out if I should leave R. He has always been good to me, but ever since I have been with him I have always been trying to figure out why I am not happy. He loves our son very much and I don't want to break up our family, but at the same time I am only 23 and feel that I don't want to be in a marriage where I am unhappy. I am unhappy not because of his actions, but because I feel that I made the wrong decisions in my life. I feel so selfish even writing this. I am just unsure what to do.

 

Thanks.

[macon]

Ok, you need to take a step back from this. Let's accept that you feel you may have missed the 'love of your life' through a myriad of factors. But let's also acknowledge that 'the grass is greener' scenario is a very real thing, and when people have problems in relationships in the here-and-now, they often daydream or fantasise about other relationships that didn't happen or have ended. These fantasies are just that. It is impossible to compare a real relationship to one in your head - what you perceive J to be may be nothing like the reality if you lived with him day to day.

 

I really think the important thing you have to consider here is your child. You married someone and made a new life with them - for the sake of that child you need to focus on your marriage and attempt to understand what the problems are, and fix them if possible. I don't know if you came from a broken home, but it is something to be avoided if at all possible. Ultimately you may come to the conclusion that that is the only way forward for you and for your life, but I think you certainly owe it to your child, to yourself, and also to the person you made a lifelong commitment to, to really think about it, work on it, and try everything before you resort to that.

 

I would seriously suggest talking to your husband about this - exactly what you reveal is up to you, but probably best not to talk about your daydreaming about J - especially since it may just be a sympton, rather than a cause, of your unhappiness. Counselling will help you through this - and if you eventually do decide to break up it will make the decision a much more supported thing, that should help you both in the long run, and therefore help your subsequent relationship. You will both always be parents together so you do need to resist the temptation to be purely selfish at this point, while definitely acknowledging your right to happiness. You may end up breaking up the family home, but you can certainly do it in the most decent and thoughtful way possible. It is also likely that you may find another change - career, home etc. - and/or changes/improvements in your relationship, will actually be what you need - rather than pursuing a fantasy relationship that is unlikely to live up to your expectations. Ultimately you don't want to dive into something else and then regret it a couple of years down the line, by which time you have damaged your family. Give this time - a decision like this is worth time and effort on your part to get as right as you can.

[Dutchess]

Thanks Macon for your response. I don't want to be with J in the present. I was just giving some background as to how I met my husband and the circumstances.

 

I honestly just wish to be alone and to take care of my son. I never went to college so that my husband could pursue his PhD. I feel like I gave up on myself. I would really like to go back to school, live by myself with my son, and not be in a relationship for the first time in over 8 years.

 

I feel so burnt out. I don't have any problems with my husband, I feel bad staying with him pretending to be happy when I'm not, I feel like I am living a lie. I guess I thought if I married the man that could give me everything I had ever wanted (materialize wise) that I would be happy, turns out I'm not.

Edited April 4, 2008 by Dutchess

[macon]

Can't you talk to him about this? Obviously not just rushing into the fact that you think you want to leave him and live on your own with your/his son. Why don't you broach the fact that you think you might want to go back to school? Unfortunately you've created responsibilities and commitments for yourself that you can't just dump because you think you've missed out - but you can try and work within the constraints you have to do something for yourself. Once you've started that you may find that the need to leave isn't so pressing - or you may find it's still there - but you do owe it to yourself, your child and your husband not to atleast try changes first. When you have a family you really do need to take this one step at a time.

[carhill]

Since a lot of working + PhD likely equals comfortable lifestyle, I'm sure you can afford MC. Perfect time for it is now.

 

Did you have attraction for R after going off the meds? Do you think the basis for your relationship with him was your mental state on the meds? Just trying to understand....

 

What about your current relationship causes you to feel like you'd be better off alone? I understand the lack of BD card, etc, but what is it on a daily basis which makes you feel this way? If you don't know and want to, MC can help you clarify it. Trust me.

[Dutchess]

I guess what makes me unhappy about my husband is that he rarely helps me in anyway. I stay at home with my son, but that doesn't mean I don't deserve a break. He frequently travels and leaves me all alone in a state where I know no one and have no family to help me. I feel like if I lived with my parents I would be better off then living with him at least they would be able to help me take care of my son. With all that said he is a very good financial provider, and I know he does care about us very much. I just feel very burnt out trying to change him into the man I want him to be, I feel like at this point he never will be no matter how much pleading I do. I feel as though I am never listened to and my feelings of resentment get stronger everyday.

[carhill]

OK, I hear two things

 

1. Even with comfortable surroundings, you feel alone, spiritually and emotionally.

 

2. You don't feel heard at all. Your husband doesn't validate your feelings and/or opinions.

 

Is that right?

 

If so, show him this post and ask him to participate in marital counseling. Expect your husband to disagree with my points above, because his perspective is different. The key is understanding each of your perspectives and trying to find a middle ground which is satisfying and where you both feel loved and validated. It's not easy. I'll likely fail in my attempts, but the clarity you achieve in the effort will help you, no matter what the outcome. I hope that makes sense

[Dutchess]

We tried going to marriage counseling once, he said he didn't want to go back because he felt like the therapist was attacking him. (My husband refused to have my son take medication for acid reflux despite having severe acid reflux as a baby that was beginning to damage his esophagus.) She asked him if giving him if not giving him medication was really the right thing to do, and forbiding me to give my son meds was logical. After that we haven't been back.

 

Thanks for your help, as with most things this is a long complicated story. I have been feeling this way for almost a year now. I beg for him to listen to me, he does for that one time and then not again later. Like if I ask him to feed my son, he will go on his laptop, or try to play with him, when my son really needs to eat. Then when my son gets upset he brings him to me because he can't "deal with him". It is very frustrating, I am never getting a break.

[carhill]

OK, do this. Tell him (not ask him) that you feel that counseling is important to the survival of your marriage and that you are going and he is welcome to join you. Take affirmative action.

 

IMO, therapy will do two things:

 

1. It will help you clarify exactly the where and why regarding your resentment. I think you have a handle on this but a psychologist can work a little deeper and some of the revelations might surprise you.

 

2. It will give you tools for both communicating as well as the confidence to make decisions which are in the best interest of you and your son.

 

Lastly, I think, from my own experiences, that therapy will help you achieve acceptance, that realization that your husband is who he is and will not fundamentally change. What you do with that will be part of your future choices.

 

Hopefully you'll get some other opinions

Edited April 6, 2008 by carhill

[Dutchess]

So I told him we should go back to counseling, and he said okay. I told him about my feelings and he said that if I am unhappy I should leave. He said he doesn't want to make me unhappy and if I feel that I would be happy on my own then so be it. That just makes me feel like he could care less.

 

I have thought about leaving everyday for the past 8 months. I'm scared, I don't want my son to not see his father everyday. I would have to move two states away so that I could live with my parents while I go back to school. I feel that isn't fair to my husband to not see his son, but at the same time I don't want my son to see me crying, and upset a good amount of the time. I have so much resentment towards him and I don't know how to let it go. Also, I feel that their is a timing issue since my son is so young I feel that it would be better to leave now then when he is 2 years old, where he will understand what is going on.

 

Thanks for letting me rant. I hope counseling will help.

[macon]

A book I read a while back, when I was really fresh into my breakup, really helped me - called something like 'How to stop acting defensively' - can't remember the exact info because everything's packed up at the mo cause I'm moving. But in it it had techniques for making statements and predictions, that turned your 'I feel like leaving' into a statement that had consequences for your husband, that were definitely his choice, without you trying to influence that choice in any way. I think reading about this might help you to affirm what you want to do and express it in such a way that your husband actually hears you. Google or amazon it - the cover is blue and purple - I'll have a look once I unpack, but that may not be for a few weeks! I mention it because I think it might really help you.

[macon]

Or maybe 'How to master the art of non-defensive communication' ... grr - wish I could remember!!