Ashbash11 Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 Hello everyone I would like to share my story with all of you who are struggling to get over your exes and those of you who are trying desperately to follow-through with NC and feel like it will never work... I went out with my first boyfriend (and first love) for a year and a half. We had a fantastic relationship for much of it, until about the 10 month mark, when everything went to hell. We had a very messy breakup with lots of bitter, hurt feelings. We tried to remain "friends" for 3 YEARS after our breakup..We also did the FWB thing and I still had feelings for him but he was just using me. It was completely unhealthy (for both of us) yet we didn't want to let the other one go completely. I finally put an end to our "friendship" one day, when I realized how much it was hurting me. I started on no contact... Total cold turkey. The first month was absolutely unbearable. I thought about him constantly, all day long. I would plot out ways to go to his house and see him.. I had dreams about him almost every night. My thoughts were basically consumed with this guy... I would cry because I missed him so much... We also live in the same area, so I would see reminders of him everywhere. He was always on my mind. By the second month, I noticed that I thought about him less... not MUCH less, but there was a slight lessening of the thoughts. I was able to think about him and NOT cry. I didn't have a desire to contact him every 5 seconds..I started to take up new hobbies: I joined a dance class, I went to parties with new people, and I tried to get myself out there and keep busy. Keeping busy is very important!!!!! The third month marked an amazing transition. I was invited to two parties in one night: A party my ex was having and one an acquaintance was having. I decided to go to the one where I didn't really know anyone. This was the best decision I could have made, because I met a wonderful guy there. We had immediate chemistry and we instantly became friends. We have now been dating for about a month, and I couldn't be happier! It was only when I was able to fully let go of my ex that I allowed myself to be open to a new relationship. What you really need to let go of is the false hope that you will get back together, that you are perfect for each other, etc. When I was still communicating with my ex, I was fully consumed by him and there was no room to let someone else in. This is a crucial point. You must free yourself from your ex if you want to fully move on. The other thing I learned through this experience is that I had a lot of anger toward my ex, and the best revenge is moving on with your life and finding someone else who makes you feel happy. So, to those of you who are struggling with NC as I was, hang in there, KEEP BUSY and open yourself to the possibility of meeting someone who treats you well and makes you feel happy.
SAD LADY Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 Ash....did your ex leave you alone during this period or did he attempt to get you back? I think that makes a difference too...it's easier to move on when the other person isn't constantly coming back.
Author Ashbash11 Posted April 4, 2008 Author Posted April 4, 2008 (edited) I agree that if the ex leaves you alone it is much easier. However, in my case, my ex made it more difficult for me to maintain NC.. At the beginning, he was hostile and angry that I stopped contacting him and I wanted to end the friendship. He would call me/text message me daily and basically harass me and make me feel guilty for "throwing away" our friendship. When he would do this, I would simply ignore it. As difficult as it was, my mind was made up. Eventually, he realized how serious I was about this and he left me alone.. This was after about a month, though. My point in writing this post was to show how difficult my situation was and that if I could get through it, so can others! Edited April 4, 2008 by Ashbash11
SAD LADY Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 Thank you Ash...I am currently doing NC on my ex. he treated me pretty shabbily..and I know I deserve so much better. I am actually embarrassed to write the things I put up with..but I loved him, so I gave it my ALL. I am going through so many emotions right now. I miss him...but it's not worth it for me to go through that again. One day something snapped in me...and that was it. I think women have an emotional "switch" that goes off when they have reached their limit. I guess I reached mine,because nothing he could say right ow would make a difference. I am very happy for you that you managed to make it through. You will be an inspiration to me in this hard time...Thank you.
Author Ashbash11 Posted April 4, 2008 Author Posted April 4, 2008 Sad Lady- You are very right. I also believe that we have an emotional "switch" and we will reach our breaking point emotionally. This is exactly what happened to me, as well. I was sick of being treated like crap and being used by my ex.. It was the same for me.. I loved him and I wanted him to be in my life, but in the end, you need to take care of yourself!
dfreeman Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 It helps a lot to hash out our bad times on here, but there is nothing like a success story to remind us all of what is ahead. Congrats on that crucial decision to go to the new party - going to the ex's party would have been a HUGE setback even without the missed opportunity. I truly believe that our only hope is to lose hope. By all standards, I am doing very well being only 3 months out of a 5-year relationship (+ 3 years of close friendship before that), but that stupid little hope of us miraculously fixing what was wrong and falling in love again is the final hurdle. You couldn't be more right in calling it "false hope" because that is exactly what it is. I wish you the very best with Mr New - you should be proud of yourself for hitting a crossroad and choosing the right path!
tealeafbud Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 Thanks for the encouragement. You give the ones that are struggling with the NC great hope. I am trying to remain strong throughout this period, and keep my emotions in check, even though we have violated the NC rule on more than one occasion. What I'm realizing is that it gets easier to NC as time goes by. Kind of like pushing a vending machine over. You kind of need to sway it a few times before you can totally knock it down.
sedona Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 I truly believe that our only hope is to lose hope. By all standards, I am doing very well being only 3 months out of a 5-year relationship (+ 3 years of close friendship before that), but that stupid little hope of us miraculously fixing what was wrong and falling in love again is the final hurdle. You couldn't be more right in calling it "false hope" because that is exactly what it is. Yes, this is exactly it. Hope is the enemy of healing, at least when it comes to getting over a relationship. I have to lose all hope of ever getting back with him, but you know what? I don't want to!! I am sabotaging myself. Ash, thanks for posting this. It made me feel better.
LuCidiTy Posted April 5, 2008 Posted April 5, 2008 thanks for posting this, ash. really great observations and real hope
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