gonetildecember Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 [sIZE=2]I wish I had the strength to see the value in myself, and in my abilities like everyone else sees me and to trust that me, as a person, was worth what some of what those other people see. I wish I had the courage to believe that me and me alone was enough to make someone happy, because lately especially I've bee driving myself frigging crazy.. and im pretty sure my bf feels it once in a while. I know its probably as a result of my ex cheating on me (ridiculous story- if you like Soap Opera's look up some of my original posts) I'm wayyyy of him and it, but in my current relationship once in a while I catch myself staying things like "call me if you have time or if you want to" or just things that when I actually think about it sound like i'm really insecure.. AND IM NOT THAT PERSON. In every other situation in my life: school, family, friendships, im extremely confident.. i have no doubt in my abilities ...but when it comes to my current bf (i think its because i actually really care about him and love him and really don't want to lose what we have) that I get really scared that I'm not enough and he's gonna cheat like my ex did or that he's going to find/want something better. Does that make sense? I feel like I'm self destructing, tonight he even said.. baby why would u even say that.. of course I want to talk to you tomorrow and when I hear it back it sounds ridiculous.. so do all the other like pity/negative comments/ad libs I throw in. I wish I could get my relationship confidence back..or that I could not be scared that one day he's just gonna leave like my ex did. I HATE THAT IM doing this.. im actually laughing at myself now because I feel like such an idiot. And I know my current bf loves me, our relationship is completly different than my past ones and he doesn't give me any reason to think that I'm not enough or that he isn't happy. It's quite the opposite. But that doesn't stop me from worrying/being a pity party. And I hate it. ANd advice on how to get myself to stop being so destructive/critical and how to get my relationship confidence back up? I know I'm a catch and that he loves me to death... in my head at least somewhere...I just don't think I come across like that and I know thats good. HeLp! I just realised I haven't posted something about me in so long.... hi everyone lol [/sIZE]
I am who I am Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 (edited) Simply said... You are insecure about yourself and lack self-confidence. What do you do to improve YOU! workout? hobbies? You are putting your boyfriend on a pedestal, thinking he is better than you are worth. That is bullchit! You are a woman! Stop asking for men to validate your worth! You have lot of "inner growth" to work on. START working on making you a better person. Make yourself happy, about..... being YOU! We've all been hurt, cheated on, lied to, bamboozled. We move forward, and onward! You are your own worst enemy. It's all about working on you as a person. Confidence, self-esteem, and being secure about yourself. So what are you doing to make that happen? Edited April 4, 2008 by I am who I am
Author gonetildecember Posted April 4, 2008 Author Posted April 4, 2008 I see what you're saying because I've said it to other people, but I really don't lack confidence. I have tonnes of hobbies, we're in an LDR so I go out with friends all the time, really busy with school- im graduating in a month, I work out, its not that I sit here an swell.. the only area that freaks me out is relationshipwise.. and its not all the time.. I'll tell you he's not on a pedastal, I call him on his bull****, I tell him when I'm upset.. but every once in a while (as if its some sort of defense mechanism, or little voice) i'll throw things out or say something and then its as if im like WHO THE HELL SAID THAT. its not just a plain and simple "she lacks self esteem" thing. 80% of the time i'm that great funny bubbly gf who has no insecurities at all, but then its like i realise i put my guard down and i remember my ex and then its like OMG and i go into defense mode.. does that make sense to anyone? Or am i just not seeing that I'm just crazy insecure about everything?
I am who I am Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 (edited) Or am i just not seeing that I'm just crazy insecure about everything?Don't know about the crazy, as we are all susceptible to being insecure at times. You have been hurt by a past boyfriend. You still carry this with you. That is what is wrong. How do you get over it? Moving on... Moving forward with life. Or, as I used to say to myself years back... time. Then i found out, that I can actively use MY time to "get over her"! Trust is harder for us to rebuild than confidence, but this is what you seem to convey. "I was cheated on, I was hurt, my next boyfriend will 'hurt' me too!" If he does? so what. Is it the end of everything we know? Does the universe collapse upon itself and all is doomed? NO! Now, go give yourself a hug, because you love being you. Edited April 4, 2008 by I am who I am
Author gonetildecember Posted April 4, 2008 Author Posted April 4, 2008 AWw. thanks. That was a little closer to what I was trying to project. Although I am over my ex I think I still internalize the pain, and every once in a while when I see how happy I am and how happy my current bf makes me I think, this can't be right.. ppl hurt me! And so then I say little things, or do little things.. and he's called me on it recently and I just want to stop because its making him feel like he's not making me happy or something. We're not perfect, but I am really happy.. i just don't want my insecurities to take over. I trust him, I mean we're in an LDR (but im moving closer may 1st for school. yayyy) but I can't help but remember the past hurt once in a while and it just freaks me out. I think Im just happy and scared at the same time that it is too good to be true, and the past will repeat itself.
Author gonetildecember Posted April 4, 2008 Author Posted April 4, 2008 And being the nerd that I am, I actually hugged myself lol
hellogoodbye Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 Well first of all, I completely understand what you mean, I won't say you're not a confident person or lack self esteem per say because you seem to have the other aspects of your life down. However, you're taking emotions from your other relationship and dragging them into this one, which may not be done on purpose but you are. You saying to him call me if you want is just asking for reassurance, so he can go ofcourse I want to and so on it seems your esteem/ego however strong it may be was bruised by your past and that's something you just have to work on personally. Maybe you're not putting him on this pedestal, maybe its more that you're finding it hard to believe its all real, looking for fault where there is none...you're in control of how he sees you so let the real you shine!
Author gonetildecember Posted April 4, 2008 Author Posted April 4, 2008 You saying to him call me if you want is just asking for reassurance, so he can go ofcourse I want to and so on it seems your esteem/ego however strong it may be was bruised by your past and that's something you just have to work on personally. Maybe you're not putting him on this pedestal, maybe its more that you're finding it hard to believe its all real, looking for fault where there is none...you're in control of how he sees you so let the real you shine! Ok Danielle Steele lol, that was right on the money I think. I do want to hear him say of course Baby i wanna call you...but it must get annoying after a while cuz he knows thats not me. I can see that i find it hard to believe he's with me, not because he's a god or anything, but because I think its been so long since Ive actually felt genuine feelings and had them returned that its hard for me to believe that I'm not just going to wake up from a dream in a second. It really scares me.
I am who I am Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 And being the nerd that I am, I actually hugged myself lol HAHA>.. You know what... I just hugged myself because of that statement. Damn that felt good... just to remember that I am who I am.
I am who I am Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 I can see that i find it hard to believe he's with me, not because he's a god or anything, but because I think its been so long since Ive actually felt genuine feelings and had them returned that its hard for me to believe that I'm not just going to wake up from a dream in a second. It really scares me. You are scared of being rejected, cheated on, hurt, etc Oh SNAP! this is a long distance relationship?!? No wonder you are feeling how you do! These types of relationships are difficult because you DON'T get to SEE, TOUCH, TALK face to face as often as is needed for you to build a rapport. I wish ya the best of luck in this one, as LDRs can be taxing on the mind.
Author gonetildecember Posted April 4, 2008 Author Posted April 4, 2008 Yeah LDR lol When we first got together we lived in the same place. We became LDR at about 2 months, and it was HARDDDDDDDD. We've been LDR for about 8 Months now and things are a lot better, but i do miss the constant contact..and when I go out and he goes out, and we're both in school and ppl are around and we have different schedules sometimes, sometimes I just wish he could be like I love you i love you i love you its gonna be okay all the time you know.. Maybe I am just looking for reassurance. Good thing is, I move to his town for school in less than a month, so hopefully that will help to curb some of my anxiety. I just hate the insecurity and fear I feel sometimes.
I am who I am Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 Have you been out dating for the past 8 months? If not.... why not?!? When was the last time you saw him in person? How often do you see him in person? These are parts of the story i missed in your prior posts, or you negated. Why are you only dating him?
Author gonetildecember Posted April 4, 2008 Author Posted April 4, 2008 No I have not been dating anyone else, and I have no desire to, neither does he. We've been in an exclusive relationship for the past 8 months, and we're casually dating before that. The last time I saw him was 2 weeks ago. When I saw LDR I mean our universities are 2 hours apart. We usually see each other every two weeks, sometimes less sometimes more. The longest apart has been 3 weeks. When ever we are together I never doubt anything or get insecure, I can FEEL his feelings and love for me, but its the times apart that I usually start to get "worried" about things once in a while. Is this just on account of this distance?
SpikeyChick Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 Simply said... You are putting your boyfriend on a pedestal, thinking he is better than you are worth. That is bullchit! You are a woman! Stop asking for men to validate your worth! A good man should be put on a pedestal and that is not "bullchit". They are rare and we need to show them how we value them. The OP expressed genuine affection and appreciation for her current B/f . She openly acknowledges that he is big part of her life and she LIKES being in his life and with him. So where is the problem with any of this ? There is no problem, so lets not tell her that she should NOT feel the way that she does. If she feels fulfilled by being with him and "validated" by his love - great ! I love my guy and I feel "validated" by the depth of our relationship and I could care less what the sourpuss pop psych writers tell me I SHOULD feel. The problem is that the OP has transferred her fear of being cheated on into her current relationship. She is carrying baggage and none of it was caused by the new B/f. The OP is understandably gunshy . Who would not be. I think that this issue will resolve itself with time. The OP needs to openly tell her B/f that she feels insecure sometimes because of what happened in her previous relationship ,She needs to ask for his patience and understanding and I am sure he will comply. A good man would do that for his woman..
Author gonetildecember Posted April 4, 2008 Author Posted April 4, 2008 Thanks SC, I don't put him on a pedastal in the sense that he's above me or I'm not good enough for him, but I do in the sense that I think he's a great guy and he makes me very happy, respects me and cares about me. The insecurities I have do stem from past situations I think, because whenever something similar to something I've experienced happens or he somehow does something to remind me of my ex.. i automatically get scared and think that it will turn out the same way. It's just hard for me to believe that it doesn't always happen and that my current bf's intentions are good. I guess I'm just scared. And I don't know how to deal with/get rid of that fear.
Replicant Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 I think it's that you are baring the scars from your past relationship and the way in which it ended, and while the relationship is ancient history it's possibly left a negative imprinting upon you which makes you question your own qualities (Which in reality is entirely untrue as others are pointing out). You need to be clear with your boyfriend about this, and give him the opportunity to stand by you on working through this. If allowed to be something left in question, it could end up doing more harm than good to current relationship.
Author gonetildecember Posted April 4, 2008 Author Posted April 4, 2008 If allowed to be something left in question, it could end up doing more harm than good to current relationship. You're right..and that's exactly what worries me.
DanielMadr Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 You are teerified of failure too much. It happend to people who are highly validated by others, especially parents. You are used to "making your parents happy" and you hated that look on their face when you got a Cminus, right? You are developing phobia. Basically it is Fear of not spiders or whatever but Fear. It is absurd. You know that and therefore it troubles you more. How can be afraid of something irrational, right? Only possible cure. Relax, let go. Dont think too much - cut yourself short when you start. Do your best and let it flow. If he cheats, well, tough luck, its not an end of the world. Dont care so much.
sumdude Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 (edited) You are teerified of failure too much. It happend to people who are highly validated by others, especially parents. You are used to "making your parents happy" and you hated that look on their face when you got a Cminus, right? You are developing phobia. Basically it is Fear of not spiders or whatever but Fear. It is absurd. You know that and therefore it troubles you more. How can be afraid of something irrational, right? Only possible cure. Relax, let go. Dont think too much - cut yourself short when you start. Do your best and let it flow. If he cheats, well, tough luck, its not an end of the world. Dont care so much. Fear and anxiety The brain is especially good at avoiding possible pain. Pure survival instinct.. Put hand in fire -> OUCH!! PAIN!! = Avoid putting hand in fire! Loved and trusted X -> X cheated etc OUCH!! PAIN!! = Avoid loving and trusting The hard thing about relationships is that if you let the brain do what it naturally does you will either miss out in life OR end up creating exactly what you fear by your own actions. See... I'm in a similar situation... ex wife left me with no warning a year ago.. probably for someone else.. Now I'm trying to psyche myself up to date again and these are the hurdles I'm facing within myself. So you have to look at it this way as far as a relationship. What's the best thing that could happen? What's the worst thing that can happen? Usually it'll be something in betwenn.. and.. Will I survive it either way? Most likely you will... Edited April 4, 2008 by sumdude
soulseeker Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 Maybe just accept that relationships can be scary? An LDR? I cannot even imagine that. My last bf was a total cad. And it scarred me, deeply, more than I wanted to admit. But, my current bf is a gem, and has been very understanding. However, there have been times that I expected my current bf to act like my ex. Thankfully, my current called me out on it "I'm not your ex". I started to realize I was being so unfair to my bf by punishing him for $hit my ex did to me. By punishing, I mean expecting him to act a certain way bc my ex acted that way. Now I am more able to just allow things to happn in our relationship without expecting them to happen a certain (bad) way. Man, it feels so good
Author gonetildecember Posted April 7, 2008 Author Posted April 7, 2008 Thank you for all of your great posts. It is that I am scared. And I hate the fact that I'm transferring those fears onto my current relationship when for the most part my new bf gives me no reason to do so. I just don't know how to let go of those old feelings, and not to be so paranoid. I just want to relax and enjoy the moment instead of fears popping into my head. Like I mentionned before a lot of it I saw without realising it until he or someone calls me on it, how do I stop doing that? I've been trying really hard not too, but once in a while I blurt something out.
SpikeyChick Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 It is that I am scared. And I hate the fact that I'm transferring those fears onto my current relationship when for the most part my new bf gives me no reason to do so. I have three brothers who are all older than I . I grew up listening to their dating stories and I got a front row seat to their dramas with silly women and eventually their marriages to good women. AS far as your B/f goes, I can tell you this, NO man goes into a relationship with a woman intending to hurt her . It does happen sometimes but men are fair creatures for the most part and much more trustworthy that most women. . MY B/f does weird things sometimes but I know that he NEVER sets out to HURT me. I am open with him and he treats me accordingly. If I am feeling insecure aboiut our relationship I just flatout tell him what is on my mind without the whiney, cry baby, drama queen stuff. He listens because I talk to him like an adult. I sometimes whine to my girlfriends, but NOT to my guy. Men have no patience for boo hoo, girly stuff so I do not give it to him . Your anxieties are NOT his problem to repair. However you also need to balance out this openness with your B/f . TEll him how you have left-over fears from your previous relationship and ask him to be patient without demanding that he fawn over you to fix your anxieties.
Author gonetildecember Posted April 8, 2008 Author Posted April 8, 2008 Thanks SC Im hesitant to bring up the ex bf issue with him because I don't want him to feel like I'm comparing him.. but I;ve noticed that I've cut down on my sly insecure comments and I actually tend to feel better too. Last night I was kinda quiet on the phone and he asked me if everything was ok, if I thought our relationship was perfect. I said its not perfect, but for me its pretty close- im really happy- theres the occasional insecure thought and I kinda worked my fear into that convo. He was very receptive and like you said he pointed out that he does not want to hurt me. It did make me feel a lot better, even though Im sure my insecurities will pop up until I actually work and succeed at curbing the problem all together. It;s just REALLY hard to forget the past and let go of that defense wall you know.
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