dragonpearls Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 That I was on the computer & I noticed there was 'trash' in the recycle bin - wanting to make sure my 5 year old had not deleted something on accident - I opened the recycle bin. That simple act has ruined my life. Before me on the screen were pictures - of my husband. Pictures I did not take. (Well, my husband has ruined my life - it just took that simple act to open my eyes...) At first I thought someone (OW?) had been in my house, but looking closely at the pictures I could tell they were 'self-portraits' taken with the timer on my digital camera. So I start digging. I checked his email (he's had the same email/password for several years) nothing too out of the ordinary - so I look at the internet history. WOW! He's a member of 2 Mail order bride websites & 2 or 3 online dating sites. I also find he has a secret email address. So I do the respectable thing & download keylogging software onto our computer. I now have access to all his emails, user ids/passwords and user profiles on these websites. He has been a very busy man - it seems he's trying to bring a woman here to the US from Russia, he's offered to pay for visas / passports / there are emails stating that he's trying to send money to certain women. I am supposed to take a 2 week vacation this summer to visit an old girlfriend of mine - (which ironically was all his idea) the kids were supposed to go , too. How convienent. So I do what any self-respecting wife does - I create a bogus user ID on one of his dating sites & contact him. By the 3rd email he's already asked my girl out! So I purchase a cheap prepaid cell phone & email him the number - he calls her within hours of receiving said email. We have been married for 7.5 years, together 9. We've had 4 children (our 1st son passed away) 5,3 & 7 months. We have an active sex life ( well, NOT anymore) we're far from well off - I have no idea where he could be coming up with this $$ he seems to have. We rarely fight - I always thought we had a pretty good life together. How could I have been so blind? I realize now - that when I thought he was playing games on online - he really WAS playing games - he literally has these dating websites up & running while the game he's playing is in the foreground. He has become obsessed with it - he checks his emails 8-10 times a day , maybe more. I haven't confronted him with this yet - I've been a stay home mom for the past 6.5 years, we moved from my hometown in Illinois to his hometown in OH about 4 years ago - so I have no family here, no friends - no money - I haven't a clue on how to proceed. All the little insecurities of the past - (was that perfume I smell on your shirt? is that alcohol on your breath? who was that on the phone?) come rushing back & I think "Has he been dupeing me all along? Where did my life go?" Any advice out there?
hooghie Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 WOW. I can only imagine how hurt you are. You are smart to gather your thoughts before you confront him on this. Think about your situation and decide whether at this time, you want to stay or you want to leave. In any case- do not let the fact that you don't have money weaken your position. You are the primary care giver of 4 children. You can always get an emergency termporary order for support. Good luck.
HeavenScent Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 With all the information you have in hand, I think you should confront him. Before you do so, you have to ask yourself what is it that you want. Do you want him to stay and work things out or would you rather have him leave you and your kids? This must be really painful for you as you thought things were great at home, I'm sure they were but some men are never satisfied with what they have.
Gunny376 Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 I think that you owe it to yourself, to your children, to your family, to take another look from a different persepective? Other than the moral ~ ethical perspective? Granted? The best predicotor of future behavior is past behavior ~ but that's my point? He's not by your own admission not behaved in this manner during the course of your marriage? There's a lot of things that could trigger a change in behavorial patterns, drugs, alcohol, of course? But so could changes in diet, and subsequenty changes in hormones, blood sugar, stress, strokes, mid-life crisis, post-traumatic-stress syndrone, depression and anxiety? A guy I work with? He's in his early fifties? He's also a diabetic? Nicest, friendliest, most respectfull guy you'd ever want to meet? The other day in the lab as one of the ladies from one of the other plants strolled down the hallway, he yelled out at the top of his lungs? "I want to go home with her!" She blushed "red" We knew the drill? His blood sugar had dropped? Set him down, got some OJ in him, and in a few minutes he was back to normal? So the first thing I would do? Go to the Doc, (Yes you!) and discuss your husband behavior with him? Then when you do confront him? Insist that (should you want to try and save the marriage) that he get a full mental, pyschological, and physical workup? Its possible he could have a brain tumor? I just lost my best friend at age 48 to one? BAM! Out of know where! He was gone in less than three months? It may be mid-life-crisis combined with stress? I'm out of the Corps now? Retired? But when I was on active duty? At 27 I used to lay in the rack with chest pains? ~ STRESS! I woke up one morning with a knot on my forehead about half the size of a golf ball? WTF? Stress? (I thought my happy @ss was growing freaking horns!? A good book about how differently men and women deal with stress is Dr John Gray's book, "When Mars and Venus Collide" Biologically? Women are more adept at dealing with day-to-day stress? Men when confronted with stress, combined with their 10 to 30 times higher testerone levels than women ~ tend to deal wit it in sexual form Thus? Sexual release in men = stress release? I realize your hurt, and PO? But for the sake of yourself, your family, your children? You need to leave no stone un-turned? Granted? He's probally got a bad case of @sshole-iditis? But I'd leave no stone un-turned?
Nomad1 Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 Hey Dragonpearls. I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. I commend you for being cool, calm and methodical in how you went about collecting evidence (you seem that way anyway). It is a tough one given the fact that you have 3 young ones. I am going to have to disagree with Gunny on this. No matter how vulnerable your husband must be due to whatever...mid-life crisis etc. what he has been doing is totally disrespectful to you and your children. He has taken you for granted because you were a stay at home mom all those years. I mean, he is considering bringing a bride over! He must be thinking of divorce, since he would not have been able to marry anyone before that happens! The ball is really in your court...you know your husband (at least you thought you did). Can you ever trust him again? Marriage without trust is a waste of life! My thoughts are with you as you negotiate such difficult dilemma. Whatever you decide to do, the next few months ahead are going to be really hard. Either way, you will come out of this the stronger party. It is time to start developing yourself. Start a new career, develop new interests. Start going out more. Let him look after the children at least 2 nights a week. That will definitely rattle his cage. Take care Nomad1
Gunny376 Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 Hey! Never said it wasn't 99% @zzhotnitias? Just might want to examine the other 99% posibilities! Before you go down the rabbit hole called "divorce" Divorce isn't for the weak-minded?
Nomad1 Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 But hey life is too short to waste part of it with disloyal partners! Life is to be enjoyed in the company of genuine significant others. Yes divorce is tough, particularly when children are involved, but you must say goodbye to the weakest link in the chain to be able to regroup with your family minus wayward spouse. Nomad1
Gunny376 Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 (edited) You've got to remember? We're "Vets" "Vets? Vets know "Vets" We've been 'IN COUNTRy" for some time now? We know the terrain, the hillside, the foxholes, the triplines, the bobbytraps? We KNOW it! We SEE it! We SMELL it! We HEAR it! We've LIVED it! ITS part of us NOW? JMargel knows it? As does DARosster LadyJane MzPixie Forever more? We've been changed? Your one us now You? Your A survior! Welcome to the "Otherside!' Vets KNOW Vets! Edited April 4, 2008 by Gunny376
Ladyjane14 Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 Actually, Gunny's right. This kind of behavior is often a manifestation of male depression. There's a HUGE dopamine reward to the brain which serves as something of a band-aid. After awhile, it often becomes a quite addictive as the man starts becoming reliant on this dopamine pick-me-up. It's bizarre to watch them when they're engaged in the behavior. It's like watching a guy rock-climbing without safety gear. That said, I wouldn't take any crap off him. These guys often have to hit rock bottom before they're willing to accept treatment. See an attorney. This is one of those situations where it's got to be 'your way or the highway', because eventually they do work up their nerve to cheat in real life. You don't want him giving you a social disease or ruining you financially. You've got to be the responsible one and think about your family, because these guys are typically only thinking about feeding their addiction. Now, it could be that he's just an asshat who feels entitled to do whatever he wants. But if he's an otherwise good guy who's fallen into self-medicating behavior, he's going to need treatment before he's worth a sh*t to you. You'll have to back him up into a corner though before he'll be willing to take it. If you don't bust him down and make him understand that he's going to have to make a clear choice... he'll just tell you what you want to hear and then sneak around behind your back.
smileysmile Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 Here is my pennies worth. Gunny has a point. I know if was the other way round and me and it was my wife (STBXW) who was doing this then I would explode! I would be shaking so bad and my heart would be hurting so bad. It is now actually but then we aren't together and this wasn't the cause of my break up. So I feel for you right now because this is going on all around the world now mobile phones and the internet is about. I am ashamed to say I did similar in my first M when the computer came into our house in 1997/98. It was still relatively in its infancy the internet in the UK. I knew nothing about computers. I had a beautiful g/f. We were engaged in 1993 and had been together up til Jan 2001 from 1989. We married in the last 4 mths of our R but she could take no more of my addiction and moods from that addiction to chatting to other women and porn. I worked shifts so it stemmed from lots of time by myself. I think this was my escapism. Because I was suffering from premuture ejaculation (oh my gawd I can't believe I am saying this) and I withdrew from sex with my spouse. We weren't at that time very experienced and I was my spouses first sexual partner. I wasn't experienced either but we both couldn't communicate in that department. I even went to a sexual clinic to seek advice but they wanted to much money for what they wanted to do which was totally unnecessary. It was learning how to control it. Also stress, fatigue etc. Anyway, what I am trying to say is that I withdrew into this bubble. I never wanted to be with anybody else. My spouse and I were perfect for each other. I am not saying what I didn't wasn't wrong. It was and disrespectful to my spouse and I have beaten myself up many times for breaking her heart and ruining her life. 12 yrs together and that was her grounds for divorce. She was in a terrible state for 2 years. I understand how you must feel right now and with 3 little ones. You need to confront him. Maybe speak to a very close friend about it. I wouldn't say he 'wants out' of your M and is in the process of planning it. But he needs help. He needs to see a counsellor. Once confronted it will be interesting to see how he defends himself. There is no justification here but try and be cool about it. This is going to be an upward battle here and the trust is broken. Lets see how much he wants to save his marriage. I know there are many guys out there who wouldn't do this sort of thing. More trustworthy. But you are married to him and you have children. You have to fight for this and don't give up. I am really sorry to hear he is doing this
Nomad1 Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 Friedrich Nietzsche said 'What doesn't kill us makes us stronger'. So true! Yes, we are survivors. I guess for most men, it is not the wife, but the idea of breaking up a family, splitting children and selling the house. However, once they accept that it is inevitable, plan B kicks in: looking after numero uno! Nomad1
whichwayisup Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 I am sorry for the loss of your 1st son. Is it possible that your husband is doing this as an escape because of the death of your son? Did you both seek grief counselling? You need to confront him and get this over with. You have evidence, use it. The longer you wait the worse you will feel.
Author dragonpearls Posted April 7, 2008 Author Posted April 7, 2008 thank you all for your words - they mean a lot. I do think there is an element of the adrenaline/dopamine kick - he has an addictive personality - cigarettes, lottery scratch -offs. And this isn't the first time - although I didn't have the evidence then that I have now. 6 years ago I found sexually explicit emails he was exchanging with 1 woman in particular. This was roughly 6 months after we lost our son. I had had suspicions of phone calls- but nothing more. He said that the emails were just fantasies, nothing more. I stayed because I was pregnant again. It was hard - getting back to a place where I thought I could trust him. He's not a person that believes in therapists or the like, although I do think I will start seeing one, this time around. I need an impartial 3rd party to convince me I'm not the screwed up one! I have made an appt to see a lawyer. I have that vacation planned this summer to go to UT with the kids - I think I still want to go - even if I know he'll be screwing around with someone - because it may be the last vacation I can take with my kids on for a long time. Why not let them make some great memories before their life falls apart? I figure that gives me 2 months to plan & maybe save a little cash before I confront him. Although it is awfully hard to see this secret life of his unfold before me - and he doesn't seem any different. Now he's lying about where he's going - he says he's going to the "Y" (we have a family membership) but I know he's going to the library to use their computers ( 1 - I can check his activity at the "Y" & 2) I was reading his emails -when they started to disappear - so he was online in his email at the same time I was -lol - how sneaky I've become! Although I'm beginning to wonder if I married a sociopath - he clearly doesn't have a conscience. And BTW - he's left 3 voice mail messages for my girl "Heidi" - what a horndog - my god - I have to laugh at how ridiculous he is - otherwise I'd probably break down and cry. thanks for the shoulder.
Milan721 Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 thank you all for your words - they mean a lot. I do think there is an element of the adrenaline/dopamine kick - he has an addictive personality - cigarettes, lottery scratch -offs. And this isn't the first time - although I didn't have the evidence then that I have now. 6 years ago I found sexually explicit emails he was exchanging with 1 woman in particular. This was roughly 6 months after we lost our son. I had had suspicions of phone calls- but nothing more. He said that the emails were just fantasies, nothing more. I stayed because I was pregnant again. It was hard - getting back to a place where I thought I could trust him. He's not a person that believes in therapists or the like, although I do think I will start seeing one, this time around. I need an impartial 3rd party to convince me I'm not the screwed up one! I have made an appt to see a lawyer. I have that vacation planned this summer to go to UT with the kids - I think I still want to go - even if I know he'll be screwing around with someone - because it may be the last vacation I can take with my kids on for a long time. Why not let them make some great memories before their life falls apart? I figure that gives me 2 months to plan & maybe save a little cash before I confront him. Although it is awfully hard to see this secret life of his unfold before me - and he doesn't seem any different. Now he's lying about where he's going - he says he's going to the "Y" (we have a family membership) but I know he's going to the library to use their computers ( 1 - I can check his activity at the "Y" & 2) I was reading his emails -when they started to disappear - so he was online in his email at the same time I was -lol - how sneaky I've become! Although I'm beginning to wonder if I married a sociopath - he clearly doesn't have a conscience. And BTW - he's left 3 voice mail messages for my girl "Heidi" - what a horndog - my god - I have to laugh at how ridiculous he is - otherwise I'd probably break down and cry. thanks for the shoulder. I am absolutely astounded at your strength and ability to think clearly through this situation. I am so sorry! It sounds like you are taking all the right steps to get yourself into a better situation. He's done this before and you confronted him for it - now he's doing it again? Clearly no respect or consideration for you and your family at all. It's amazing how we can end up with someone that clearly has some serious issues and yet we are the ones who need a third party to convince us that we're not crazy! I empathize! Good luck and hugs to you and your children!
Gunny376 Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 I agree with everything that you posted ~ (Here comes the "Yea But.......) the two month deadline from "Dropping the Bomb" on him? I wouild take however much time I needed to prepare myself for Life without him? I just don't see two months as being long enough? But your the woman on the ground? Sounds as though your keeping your head about you, though? I pity the fool of a man that crosses your path? Girl you ,need to go to work the "Cheaters" tv show, the CIA, FBI, somebody? :laugh: Hell I bet they put you on the case? You could find Bin Laden in under 48 hours?
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