paladin1 Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 Summary of what happened prior to this; found out that my ex was messing around with her personal trainer. Confronted her, she asked me to leave. I did. She begged me to come back, I did and told her it would be a long road to earn back trust. She "tried" for 3 weeks (while, it turns out, staying in touch with him). Then ended a 4.5 year relationship with an email; dating him less than a week later. With the exception of a 30 second online conversation, where I told her that I did not want to have any contact with her unless it was for her to apologize for what she had done ( one month ago); I have maintained NC for nearly 2 months. Today got the following texts: " So I definitely owe you a big apology for how I treated you for a long time, and I would really like to tell you how sorry I am in person if you let me". I didn't reply; one hour later got "Sooo if u r interested in what I have to say, let me know when you are free. I work this weekend but am free whenever outside of work". Again, no reply by me; then half hour later; " You have all the time you want to get back to me; but if you're not interested just let me know and I won't bother you". For the life of me I am at a loss as to what to do...and looking for some advice. For the record; I still love her. Very much. Truthfully I wish she hadn't done this at this point; I'm not sure that I am emotionally or mentally ready to see her, particularly if she (as I assume) is still with him. God knows, if I could have her back like we were before, I would in a heartbeat but I am not delusional enough to think that will ever be. I have a feeling she is missing our friendship, and wants it back; but I am not sure I could ever be friends with a person who could act so dishonorably, be so untrustworthy, and treat our relationship as poorly as she did in the end. I guess what I am looking for answers to is 1) Why now? Why not when the relationship ended, or a month later when we had that breif conversation? What changed to get this response? and 2) Do I go and hear what she has to say? Do I ignore the texts? Text her back that I am not interested? Please advise!!!
NickP Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 Hey mate, I was in the exact same situation you're in. Pretty much the same except that my relationship lasted for 3 years. 3 months after we broke off, she tried getting in touch with me all of a sudden to "apologise". I wasn't ready either. I looked out for myself and I'm glad I did. I just completely ignored any communication. I didn't feel that the terms on which we ended made her deserve any bit of politeness from me. I knew that if i met her, and if she said she wanted to get back, my heart would have sunk again straight for her. But she had hurt me badly and I used my head to sorta tell myself that she was no good for me and she made the wrong choice so I can't trust her again. Many ppl have told me it's harsh but I knew it was the only way I could allow myself to get over her fully. Getting heartbroken by her was too painful for me to want to revisit that possibility again. Hope you make the choice that's right for you !
Citizen Erased Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 Delete her emails. Do not even respond to her saying to leave you alone, it will only give her cause to send you one back. She is most probably contacting you because the lust stage of her relationship with this guy has ended. Who knows what she has now realised, but she is trying to get back into your life in case her relationship doesn't work out. Which it probably won't. Anyway, the more time you spend obsessing over her, the harder it will be to let her go. She is not the one for you IMO. You have done so well to do NC for so long, don't let her suck you back in sweetie.
tealeafbud Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 Think of how this girl treated you. It's obvious that you both still have feelings for each other, but she is playing games with you right now. It seems that you know this and just need some encouragement. This forum will be glad to help you, if only to keep you occupied from contacting her. LOL I'm currently going through something similar. It was I who left my ex fiance, and we've been talking. She has since been seeing some guy, and we were friends for so long before our relationship, that she tells me everything. Of course it just breaks my heart, although I shouldn't even care. But in your case, it sounds that you are almost completely over her from your commitment to the NC. as others have suggested, i would ignore her calls, and texts, and emails, etc. Maybe somewhere down the road when you feel more confident about your feelings you can talk to her, but you aren't quite ready yet. Be strong, and good luck to you.
stlnsmile Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 Just by reading this, I'm sorry, it seems to me like she has such a sense of entitlement..like you owe it to her to speak to her or respond to her. I mean as badly as she's treated you, I would think there would be a whole lot more humilty in her words. Not expectation. Thats just my feeling on the whole thing. I mean as much as you gave to her as much as you tried for her, as much as she knows she's screwed you, let her chase you for a while. However long you chased her, let her chase you that long. It just seems to lack humility, and sincerity for that matter, like she still owns you or something.
Prosecco Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 OH goodness - stay WELL clear of this girl. She betrayed you completely and twice - as she pretended to make an effort to fix things, but didn't - and an apology will never make up for that. Don't give her the opportunity to ease her guilt. And do not give her the opportunity to hurt you again. Delete e-mails, do not contact her. She's made her bed, let her lie in it. It'll be hard, but frankly, you are well clear of anyone who could do that to you. Keep reminding yourself of that. In some situations, a friendship with an ex is worth pursuing. This girl betrayed your trust, at least twice. Heck - she betrayed you every time she flirted with this guy, every time she did anything with him. Can you be friends with someone like that? Honestly? My friends are friends because I'd trust them with my life. Trust her with yours? So - if you're not getting back with her (No NO NO NO NO!), and aren't going to be friends with her (NO NO NO NO NO) - you have no reason to be in contact with her. Delete her from your life. Good luck!
sedona Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 If you really and truly have given up on any chance of getting back together, then just delete her messages and not respond. Ok, so she's sorry. It looks like if the two of you talk together, then she'll get to clear her conscience while you'll just get confused again. Why put yourself through that? From what you wrote here, it sounds to me that this is what your gut instinct is telling you to do. However, if you think there might be a tiny chance of reconciliation (and that's what you want), then tell her that you don't want to hear at all from her unless she's interested in giving it another shot. She has reached out to you, and judging by these few messages alone, it doesn't seem to me like she expects you to answer, like she's trying to exercise her entitlement rights over you. I don't know your whole story, but it sounds like she's just going through the regret/remorse stage. You should stay out of it. But at least she regrets something! Hearing that from my guy would make me feel slightly better. Right now I don't know if what we had meant ANYTHING to him.
Author paladin1 Posted April 4, 2008 Author Posted April 4, 2008 Thanks all; I just sent possibly the hardest text message I have ever sent; "Thank you. Honestly. But I'm not interested." Short, but some of the hardest words I've ever typed. You've all been great in helping me do that... will keep you updated on anything else.
Author paladin1 Posted April 4, 2008 Author Posted April 4, 2008 Truthfully; I considered not sending her anything back at all like some had suggested, but I figured I at least owed her a response, however breif
sedona Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 It was the perfect response. I wonder if our ex's know how considered, heartfelt, and difficult these messages are.
NickP Posted April 5, 2008 Posted April 5, 2008 tats gd man nw she knows that she shouldn't have taken u for granted.
Author paladin1 Posted April 6, 2008 Author Posted April 6, 2008 Update; her response; "Ok, well thats a shame, but let me know if you ever change your mind" 30 minutes later "How bout now? Is now good? J/K and wanted to bug you one more time!" Haven't heard from her since, this was yesterday. Really really wish I could tell her the following, so I'm going to post it here. T; I wish you could understand how much I wanted to see you when you texted me, and how hard it was to tell you I wasn't interested. To be honest, I AM interested, horribly fascinated, and would love to be with you for even a few moments. But I know (or am fairly sure) you are still with the OM, and I do not want to look in your eyes and see there the death of what we had, and the complete end of your feelings for me. I am also terrified of what I would say. There are things I know you did that I never brought up, we never discussed based on how you ended things with an email. I know the reason you emailed was because I believe you did not want to face me openly with what you had done. Sadly, I know far more than you even suspect and I am afraid of what would come out if we spoke face to face. I love you, truly, deeply, with all my heart and soul. To me, true love is respect and integrity. Regardless of how you treated me, regardless of what you have done, I will not compromise myself and my love for you. When you emailed me, I respected it. I left, did not beg or plead, did not try to influence your decision. When I picked up my stuff that night, in the few seconds we talked, I simply asked "are you sure this is what you want?" When you said yes I left. That is the main reason I will not see you now; I do not want to react poorly in front of you, to let the pain show, and to hurt you simply because I am in agony. My love for you is stronger than that; stronger than my desire to see you, stronger than the small satisfaction I might feel from hurting you back. True love is respecting you, honoring your decision, and walking away, and cherishing what you were; and I love you truly now and forever. paladin1
Prosecco Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 Ouch... Paladin... no making me cry - that's not fair! *hugs* You are better and stronger than her. Seriously - from what you've written, you come across as a really loving person. Who deserves someone who can treat you the same way, and feel the same way. You are truly better off without her. I'm sorry it hurts so much. If only an electronic hug was more than just a few symbols on a screen.
Lookingforward Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 Ouch... Paladin... no making me cry - that's not fair! *hugs* You are better and stronger than her. Seriously - from what you've written, you come across as a really loving person. Who deserves someone who can treat you the same way, and feel the same way. You are truly better off without her. I'm sorry it hurts so much. If only an electronic hug was more than just a few symbols on a screen. Ditto - what you sent her was perfect especially considering all you WANTED to say
Author paladin1 Posted April 7, 2008 Author Posted April 7, 2008 Prosecco; "If only an electronic hug was more than just a few symbols on a screen" While the physical contact of a hug is nice; it's the thought behind it that has more meaning. And I appreciate the thought, made me smile today and I needed it. Thanks! Sorry for the tears, though...and consider the hug returned! Lookingforward, thanks as well. While I believe (or am trying to convince myself...heh...) that I made the right choice, it has been difficult for the past few days not giving in to the ache to see her again, to hear what she had to say, and to maybe spend a few minutes like we were before. I guess that doing the RIGHT thing is not necessarily the EASY thing....
Far Behind Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 My guy told me he loved me from the bottom of his heart, and everything else I wanted to hear, and then tossed me aside, again, two days later. How I wish he could read your words and know what love, honor, integrity, and respect are. Your words were beautiful, and I'm so sorry you are going through this. sorry we all are, lol.
Trialbyfire Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 Run for your life paladin. Don't trust someone who can so selfishly rip your heart out and then try to keep you on a string. She's not worth holding onto. Stick to NC!
sedgwick Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 T; I wish you could understand how much I wanted to see you when you texted me, and how hard it was to tell you I wasn't interested. To be honest, I AM interested, horribly fascinated, and would love to be with you for even a few moments. But I know (or am fairly sure) you are still with the OM, and I do not want to look in your eyes and see there the death of what we had, and the complete end of your feelings for me. I am also terrified of what I would say. There are things I know you did that I never brought up, we never discussed based on how you ended things with an email. I know the reason you emailed was because I believe you did not want to face me openly with what you had done. Sadly, I know far more than you even suspect and I am afraid of what would come out if we spoke face to face. I love you, truly, deeply, with all my heart and soul. To me, true love is respect and integrity. Regardless of how you treated me, regardless of what you have done, I will not compromise myself and my love for you. When you emailed me, I respected it. I left, did not beg or plead, did not try to influence your decision. When I picked up my stuff that night, in the few seconds we talked, I simply asked "are you sure this is what you want?" When you said yes I left. That is the main reason I will not see you now; I do not want to react poorly in front of you, to let the pain show, and to hurt you simply because I am in agony. My love for you is stronger than that; stronger than my desire to see you, stronger than the small satisfaction I might feel from hurting you back. True love is respecting you, honoring your decision, and walking away, and cherishing what you were; and I love you truly now and forever. paladin1 That's beautiful. Honestly, I think you should send it.
justaman99 Posted April 8, 2008 Posted April 8, 2008 Run for your life paladin. Don't trust someone who can so selfishly rip your heart out and then try to keep you on a string. She's not worth holding onto. Stick to NC! I agree. She dropped you like a bag of wet dog poop. She doesn't deserve anything from you. In my opinion the only thing that is going to come out of the letter is the power she will continue to feel and she will try to use it to get back to you. I wouldn't do it. Don't set yourself up.
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