Orbit Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 I have never posted here but I have noticed a lot of your advice is useful. I have been in long term relationships for the past 15 years, but have been alone for the last year (I understandably needed some time to myself). Recently I have started seeing this woman at work. We have gone out several times, but nothing was ever planned. It was spur-of-the moment lets go out type thing. We have become real close and have had some intimate moments (and I don’t mean sex), even though there is flirting in a sexual way Anyway here is my situation. Today she told me that she was going somewhere and it was kind of weird because one of the people she was going with was her ex-boyfriend, who incidentally I think she broke up with partially because of me. It will be the first time they will have seen or spoken to each other. This is actually not my problem, I am not jealous and we do not have a committed relationship. My problem is that I ask her if she wanted to go out this weekend and she said she was not sure because she had a lot of work to do, but I should call her. I ask her what day worked and she said she wasn’t sure. When I dropped her off she said I will see you Monday or maybe this weekend. Is she blowing me off, or am I reading too much into this? Please be gentle I am once again new at dating, it’s like I am a teenager.
dreamergrl Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 Nah I think she's just not sure what she's doing this weekend. She said "Maybe this weekend." If she isn't able to do anything, don't automatically assume you're getting blown off.
I am who I am Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 (edited) Wow... I can't believe I'm about to disagree with dreamergrl, as she always seems to be on target. You had your chance with this girl, and never made a move... Her interest level in you went from high to low because of this. She is moving on. Is it too late to get her back? Don't know, and it's not important. You are back baby! Go out there and find another woman to talk to too...... I mean THIS WEEKEND! You are back into dating! It Fun, Its Scary, Its Painful, Its Painfully Stupid at times.... but this is what makes it FUN! Next this girl... she is a co-worker (bad in any case), and she is showing signs of low interest level. NOW, GO OUT THERE AND MEET A NEW GIRL THIS WEEKEND! Edited April 4, 2008 by I am who I am
Author Orbit Posted April 6, 2008 Author Posted April 6, 2008 She was blowing me off. I am stupid, I didn't make a move because I respcted her. I guess I should be a scumb bag piece of **** like I have always been. So much fo good intentions!
dreamergrl Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 She was blowing me off. I am stupid, I didn't make a move because I respcted her. I guess I should be a scumb bag piece of **** like I have always been. So much fo good intentions! Just out of curiousity.. how did you find out she was blowing you off? Did she tell you, or are you assuming this because her maybe turned into a no. I don't tend to finalize plans or commit to them unless I know for sure I can make them. If I say maybe, it means it's possilbe but I can't be sure - it doesn't mean the blow off. Then again - I'm rather pretty up front with those type of things. Maybe she's not like that.
Marin Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 I think she just isn't intereste and might be involved with her ex this weekend. If I have started to see someone, and I am really interested in this guy, I wouldn't be evasive about if I could see him this weekend. I would be enthusiastic and accept his offer for a weekend date (unless I truly had plans all weekend.) If I had plans all weekend, I would make it clear that I was disappointed I couldn't see him this weekend and make it clear that I would like to see him soon and I might even offer a counter offer of a weeknight movie/dinner date or something. "How about Tuesday, I was kind of wanting to see that new movie BLANK, and we could grab a quick dinner beforehand?" This is what I would do if a guy I had started seeing a few times that I was interested in and attracted to asked me out for the weekend. I have never posted here but I have noticed a lot of your advice is useful. I have been in long term relationships for the past 15 years, but have been alone for the last year (I understandably needed some time to myself). Recently I have started seeing this woman at work. We have gone out several times, but nothing was ever planned. It was spur-of-the moment lets go out type thing. We have become real close and have had some intimate moments (and I don’t mean sex), even though there is flirting in a sexual way Anyway here is my situation. Today she told me that she was going somewhere and it was kind of weird because one of the people she was going with was her ex-boyfriend, who incidentally I think she broke up with partially because of me. It will be the first time they will have seen or spoken to each other. This is actually not my problem, I am not jealous and we do not have a committed relationship. My problem is that I ask her if she wanted to go out this weekend and she said she was not sure because she had a lot of work to do, but I should call her. I ask her what day worked and she said she wasn’t sure. When I dropped her off she said I will see you Monday or maybe this weekend. Is she blowing me off, or am I reading too much into this? Please be gentle I am once again new at dating, it’s like I am a teenager.
Author Orbit Posted April 6, 2008 Author Posted April 6, 2008 Just out of curiousity.. how did you find out she was blowing you off? Did she tell you, or are you assuming this because her maybe turned into a no. I don't tend to finalize plans or commit to them unless I know for sure I can make them. If I say maybe, it means it's possilbe but I can't be sure - it doesn't mean the blow off. Then again - I'm rather pretty up front with those type of things. Maybe she's not like that. She called me 3 hours after I called her and said she fell asleep and didn’t get to finish her work today even though she tried Then I ask her if she had time tomorrow, which is actually when I wanted to see her anyway, and she said she really needed to do what she had to do and she let me know that she went out last night when she wasn’t planning on it. So to answer your question, she is a liar and I am an idiot for letting her get to me. Is that enough, or do you need more clarification of how I blew it?
Marin Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 Yup, she's with her ex this weekend. Sorry. She called me 3 hours after I called her and said she fell asleep and didn’t get to finish her work today even though she tried Then I ask her if she had time tomorrow, which is actually when I wanted to see her anyway, and she said she really needed to do what she had to do and she let me know that she went out last night when she wasn’t planning on it. So to answer your question, she is a liar and I am an idiot for letting her get to me. Is that enough, or do you need more clarification of how I blew it?
Author Orbit Posted April 6, 2008 Author Posted April 6, 2008 Yup, she's with her ex this weekend. Sorry. Thanks for rubbing it in. That really helps. But I guess it's ok because you said sorry.
Marin Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 I wasn't rubbing it in. Just letting you know. Anyway you made it clear that it is nothing serious with this woman and that you are not jealous and such of her spending time with her ex so now I'm confused.
Author Orbit Posted April 6, 2008 Author Posted April 6, 2008 Just because I said it wasn't serious doesn't mean I don't care about her. It hurts me that I messed up. I am in pain becuase I should have told her the way I feel and acted on those feelings, rather than trying to respect her and be a gentleman.
Marin Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 Just because I said it wasn't serious doesn't mean I don't care about her. It hurts me that I messed up. I am in pain becuase I should have told her the way I feel and acted on those feelings, rather than trying to respect her and be a gentleman. Yeah, you should watch it about messing around with coworkers. Just let this one go, it doesn't sound like she's worth anymore pain.
Trialbyfire Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 Orbit, you've had a lucky escape, from being the rebound guy. If a girl is confused or goes back to her ex, she wouldn't have been emotionally available to you anyways. Being a gentleman, has its perks.
shockandawed Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 (edited) Just because I said it wasn't serious doesn't mean I don't care about her. It hurts me that I messed up. I am in pain becuase I should have told her the way I feel and acted on those feelings, rather than trying to respect her and be a gentleman. Orbit, First of all, I don't think you have done anything wrong, so you need to stop beating the crap out of yourself with regrets. I am pretty certain that she knows you are interested in her. From the outside, it appears something has her distracted...after that, it's all assumptions, work, ex boyfriend, friend, etc.. TBF is right, if it is the ex, there is nothing you can do but get out of the way. Rebounds never work out. How long were they together, and how long has it been since they broke up? You mention that you think she broke up with him for you? Again, the only certainty is that she is distracted and not chopping at the bit to get together. She does seem to leave the door open and does return calls, so she could be legit. The way I see it, you have two choices here... Option 1..Just ask her. Some people claim this is a pride killer, but I like to work with facts as much as possible. You can still handle this with pride through your response and IMO, look strong and confident. " I have enjoyed going out with you and getting to know you, but I am sensing that something is really distracting you, please level with me as I don't want to waste yours or my time." I think something along these lines not only clears the air, but sends the message that you like her, but aren't going to hang around and play any games with her. Option 2..Just go away and move on. If you aren't comfortable asking her, then I would just do this. Without any resolve to this, you will continue to read into her and drive yourself crazy. She isn't jumping through hoops to go out again, but she leaves the door open. You can either try to find out the reasons, or just move along. Anything else, and you will just be assuming. I hate mixed signals, and unfortunately, they are way too prevalent with middle age dating. Edited April 6, 2008 by shockandawed
dreamergrl Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 She called me 3 hours after I called her and said she fell asleep and didn’t get to finish her work today even though she tried Then I ask her if she had time tomorrow, which is actually when I wanted to see her anyway, and she said she really needed to do what she had to do and she let me know that she went out last night when she wasn’t planning on it. So to answer your question, she is a liar and I am an idiot for letting her get to me. Is that enough, or do you need more clarification of how I blew it? Whoah - hold up here - I'm not the one who "blew" you off, no need to take your anger out on me. You've got no real proof that she's a liar, or intentionally did it. While it's very possible, and some signs point that way.... Orbit, First of all, I don't think you have done anything wrong, so you need to stop beating the crap out of yourself with regrets. I am pretty certain that she knows you are interested in her. From the outside, it appears something has her distracted...after that, it's all assumptions, work, ex boyfriend, friend, etc.. TBF is right, if it is the ex, there is nothing you can do but get out of the way. Rebounds never work out. How long were they together, and how long has it been since they broke up? You mention that you think she broke up with him for you? Again, the only certainty is that she is distracted and not chopping at the bit to get together. She does seem to leave the door open and does return calls, so she could be legit. The way I see it, you have two choices here... Option 1..Just ask her. Some people claim this is a pride killer, but I like to work with facts as much as possible. You can still handle this with pride through your response and IMO, look strong and confident. " I have enjoyed going out with you and getting to know you, but I am sensing that something is really distracting you, please level with me as I don't want to waste yours or my time." I think something along these lines not only clears the air, but sends the message that you like her, but aren't going to hang around and play any games with her. Option 2..Just go away and move on. If you aren't comfortable asking her, then I would just do this. Without any resolve to this, you will continue to read into her and drive yourself crazy. She isn't jumping through hoops to go out again, but she leaves the door open. You can either try to find out the reasons, or just move along. Anything else, and you will just be assuming. I hate mixed signals, and unfortunately, they are way too prevalent with middle age dating. I completely agree with this post. Also... I doubt that if she was going to purposely give you the blow off - why return phone calls, why let you know what was going on?
Author Orbit Posted April 6, 2008 Author Posted April 6, 2008 Whoah - hold up here - I'm not the one who "blew" you off, no need to take your anger out on me. You've got no real proof that she's a liar, or intentionally did it. While it's very possible, and some signs point that way.... I'm sorry, I did not mean to direct any anger at you, I appreciate the fact you tried to help. You are right about me having no proof that she is a liar. The part that bothers me is that I knew she wasn't going to go out with, but she told me to call her and it got my slim hopes up. I am not even mad at her, I am mad at myself and actually dissappointed more than anything. The simple fact is that I do care and respect this woman, which is why I acted as a gentleman. Just to clarify something other people have mentioned. This has nothing to do with er ex, they went out for two weeks and that's not who she went out with on Friday. If she was getting back with him, she wouldn't have told me she was going somewhere he would be and that it was going to be weird, and I am not a rebound guy.
dreamergrl Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 I'm sorry, I did not mean to direct any anger at you, I appreciate the fact you tried to help. You are right about me having no proof that she is a liar. The part that bothers me is that I knew she wasn't going to go out with, but she told me to call her and it got my slim hopes up. I am not even mad at her, I am mad at myself and actually dissappointed more than anything. The simple fact is that I do care and respect this woman, which is why I acted as a gentleman. Next time she gives you a maybe, suggest another time all together. That way you don't get your hopes up incase a maybe turns into a no. I know it sucks getting exciting about possible date, but when it's just a possible date - you need to keep cool about it. Now if she would have had made definate plans with you, and cancelled, I'd be more worried.
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