Using money to attract women is not working

[NotMyselfNEmore]

I used eharmony and it turned out to be a good experience. You do have to brace yourself for the amount of rejection but you get as many matches as you reject (or get rejected by) until you find someone that just "clicks"

 

My friend used it too and she's currently living with her man and they are getting married in July.

[shanny]

You should try www.americansingles.com. I've known a few people who have hooked up from there, and I dated a guy off there once (and for your information he was not Brad Pitt nor did he have a lot of money). You do have to pay for it but it's a lot cheaper than eharmony. Most people on the site do pay so you don't have to worry about people not being able to respond to you.

[thehappycynic]

Since this is my first post in this forum I guess I should give a little introduction before I get to my topic.

 

I'm 25 years old (just turned recently), hold a masters degree and am pretty sucessful for my age (money and career wise). I however broke up with my ex about a year ago for reasons I don't want to get into and I really suck at meeting women so I turned to online dating. Well I had a legitimate profile with pictures on multiple sites for about 6 months now with extremely poor success (about 0.1% of women respond to my emails and I've had no dates in the 6 months I've been doing this).

 

I'm not fat or even overweight, I (think) I dress pretty nice, keep myself clean, so the only conclusion that I can come up with is that I'm just genuinely ugly. Combined with the fact that I lack and carisma and suck at meeting women in RL, I decided to just try to use money to meet women.

 

This, however, is NOT working either... I basically put in my profile that I have money and am willing to spend it on you... but I'm still getting no interest. Yes I know only gold diggers will respond to those type of profiles but at this point I don't really care, I just want someone to spend my time with. I'm wondering what else I can do? What else will attract women besides money? How else can I use money to get women? I'm sure there are tons of guys in my situation, probably on this very forum. I'd appretiate any advise.

 

Thanks.

 

We have to talk. Seriously. You have laid out so many issues here that it can't be addressed in just one or two replies. Send me a private message, k? And send me a link to your ad, too, so I can see what's happening. Sheesh. You poor man.

[thehappycynic]

Thanks for the support and encouragement to stop using money/internet dating to get women and to go out and talk to women in real life, but I don't think you guys understand that I have a serious psycological illness when it comes to talking to strange women I don't know. It's not just something I can "fix" or "man up" about, it's a real, legitimate illness I was born with and I can't do anything about and I will likely never grow out of. Here is more info on the illness for people who will doubt me:

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love-shyness

 

 

I have already come to terms and accepted what this means. I got extremely lucky getting my last girlfriend, but my circumstances were different since I had a lot more friends back then and was a full time college student, so I was intoduced to a lot more women with me having to seek them out. My circumstances are a lot different these days, no more school, was less friends, full time job, etc. No more free ride. And because my close friends are married and because of my illness I will have to resort to internet dating sites to meet women or I won't be meeting any women at all. Yes this is sad but this is the situation life has given me and I have to work with it.

 

Anyhow yes in a perfect world I woud like not to use money to get women, but this is the real world and putting up a normal, honest profile doesnt cut it unless you are brad pitt. That is the real world we live in these days and I have to play by the rules.

 

Oh for God's sake! "Love shyness" is not a psychological illness! Did you read the article yourself? It's a condition. It is NOT recognized as a mental disorder. You will go to any lengths, it seems, to not accept any responsibility for your own actions and behavior.

 

You have anxiety. So do most of us. Big whoop. You will have to WORK on it. You aren't BORN with anxiety, as you keep saying over and over in your posts, as if it were some unchangeable trait like "blue eyes." Shoot, even blue eyes are changeable these days.

 

You are going to have to WORK on you if you ever want to meet a normal girl. That is the simple fact of the matter. Until you acknowledge that you have control over your own behavior, that isn't going to happen.

[BenefitOfTheDoubt]

I've been thinking this lately but I've actually done some research on the subject and the real problem is with pay sites is that a very small percentage of women who sign up with them actually pay, therefore are unable to read/reply/sent emails.

 

From my experience on pay sites, "very small percentage" is very much over-stating the case. And anyway, a similar argument could be made about the profiles on free sites -- I'm sure there are a ton of people on the free sites who throw up profiles without being even remotely serious because, "Who cares, it's free!" Anecdotally, I got responses to just about every email I ever sent on Match.com. The exact same profile and the same style of emailing generated significantly fewer responses on the cheaper (Yahoo Personals) or free sites. I agree with the earlier poster who made the "you pay your money, you take your choices," type comment.

 

Also, have you ever asked a friend (preferably a female friend) to look at your profile? I ran upon an ex's profile once. The guy was a great guy, but he came across like a complete ass on his profile. He wrote about the stuff *he* liked about himself (former FBI agent, law degree, successful songwriter), but I just don't think they're the types of things that resonate with women in an online dating profile. These details are absolutely interesting to hear about in person, but written down, it sounded like a pompous resume. You know, kind of clicking off the things he's *done* rather than at all getting at who he *is* as a person. I think he'd get a lot more responses if, instead, he said that he's smart, loves his job, and is a huge music fan.

 

You know, it's no secret that men and women approach life in different ways and respond differently to things. It's why we have so much difficulty communicating with one another. Have some female friends review your profile; or if that's just not possible, take some cues from the way that women describe themselves and the type of guy they're looking for in their own profiles.

[TechGuy145]

We have to talk. Seriously. You have laid out so many issues here that it can't be addressed in just one or two replies. Send me a private message, k? And send me a link to your ad, too, so I can see what's happening. Sheesh. You poor man.

 

I tried PMing you but it said you are not allowed to recieve PMs...

[TechGuy145]

Just an update for anybody who still cares...

 

I've deleted my profile on both sites that I used and am giving up on the online dating thing for good.

[TheFonz]

Just an update for anybody who still cares...

 

I've deleted my profile on both sites that I used and am giving up on the online dating thing for good.

 

LOL OK you're just going to give up on it without trying to improve. So now what are you going to do?

[TechGuy145]

LOL OK you're just going to give up on it without trying to improve. So now what are you going to do?

 

Trust me this isn't out of lazyness or a lack of self-confidence or anything. I have just been thinking about the whole situation and from a logical standpoint this doesn't doesnt provide enough return for the amount of effort I am putting into this.

 

Basically I've been evaluating how much time I've been spending on these dating sites for the past year and I could of put that time to much better use.

 

What am I going to do now? In regards to my love-shyness problem and dating in general, absolutely nothing. In fact, what I am considering doing is seeing if there is some kind of therapy or drug I can take that will get rid of my chemical/psycological need for a siginificant other, as I have been extremely depressed over the last few months. I haven't let my depression interfere with my work or anything but I feel sooner or later it might. I want to mitigate that risk of possible.

[Woggle]

I would actually downplay my wealth if I were you. It seperates the real women from the gold diggers because flashing your cash will only get you a Heather Mills type.

Edited April 6, 2008 by Woggle

[strongertoday]

I know the feeling, my best girlfriend is exactly the same....successful and beautiful and shy as anything....

 

What about online chat forums? Maybe getting to know people first might let them open to the real you.

 

You sound like a nice guy...that will shine thru in the end....

 

Good luck

 

[InLimbo2]

Perhaps you are looking at this the wrong way - everyone tells you to DO things to meet women (clubs/events where women are etc) - yet you are too shy to talk to women unless you are introduced through a friend.

 

I ride a motorcycle - I got into it in my early 40's - I'm a woman - I joined a family oriented riding club. I met lots of great people - a married male friend from one of the chapters in a neighboring state brought along some friends on a ride. I emailed his friend to thank him for coming to the ride. A few weeks later we started seeing one another - we've now been together exclusively for 2 years next month. We had friends in common. We both had an avid common interest in motorcycles. It was an easy activity to do in a group.

 

Your male friends can be a good connection to women you don't know - as well as group activities.

 

Start expanding your life to try new things and have new experiences - not just as a way to meet women - but things you really like - and your network expands with it.

 

 

 

Thanks for the support and encouragement to stop using money/internet dating to get women and to go out and talk to women in real life, but I don't think you guys understand that I have a serious psycological illness when it comes to talking to strange women I don't know. It's not just something I can "fix" or "man up" about, it's a real, legitimate illness I was born with and I can't do anything about and I will likely never grow out of. Here is more info on the illness for people who will doubt me:

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love-shyness

 

 

I have already come to terms and accepted what this means. I got extremely lucky getting my last girlfriend, but my circumstances were different since I had a lot more friends back then and was a full time college student, so I was intoduced to a lot more women with me having to seek them out. My circumstances are a lot different these days, no more school, was less friends, full time job, etc. No more free ride. And because my close friends are married and because of my illness I will have to resort to internet dating sites to meet women or I won't be meeting any women at all. Yes this is sad but this is the situation life has given me and I have to work with it.

 

Anyhow yes in a perfect world I woud like not to use money to get women, but this is the real world and putting up a normal, honest profile doesnt cut it unless you are brad pitt. That is the real world we live in these days and I have to play by the rules.

[InLimbo2]

Um sweetie - do you do that with women you meet online?

yes - you are correct, it was the wrong word and a lot of people do it

BUT

it didn't win you any points with the poster

it sure wouldn't win any with women you are trying to establish contact with

 

 

 

 

I'm not trying to be an *******, but that wasn't a typo, you used the wrong word. The only reason I corrected it is because a lot of people actually think "website" is really spelled "websight" and don't know the difference.

[InLimbo2]

-In fact, what I am considering doing is seeing if there is some kind of therapy or drug I can take that will get rid of my chemical/psycological need for a siginificant other,-

 

THAT is something you are born with! Spend the money on therapy and drugs to get over your shyness and anxiety about women.

 

I tell you - I spent some time talking to a guy on the opposite coast who had basically been like you are -he hadn't had so much as a date in like 15 years - he wanted to - but it had just become so overwhelming. He sought therapy - and over time - his therapist taught him some real coping skills - and the last real active thing he pushed was the guy join an activity - any activity - just to be social again. He did - he joined a riding club. He met lots and lots of people and women online on the bike boards. He ended up going to a yearly event they had in Georgia. He met the friends from online in person.

 

Love blossomed. She moved from the southeast to be with him about a year ago, and they are getting married very shortly.

 

 

 

 

Trust me this isn't out of lazyness or a lack of self-confidence or anything. I have just been thinking about the whole situation and from a logical standpoint this doesn't doesnt provide enough return for the amount of effort I am putting into this.

 

Basically I've been evaluating how much time I've been spending on these dating sites for the past year and I could of put that time to much better use.

 

What am I going to do now? In regards to my love-shyness problem and dating in general, absolutely nothing. In fact, what I am considering doing is seeing if there is some kind of therapy or drug I can take that will get rid of my chemical/psycological need for a siginificant other, as I have been extremely depressed over the last few months. I haven't let my depression interfere with my work or anything but I feel sooner or later it might. I want to mitigate that risk of possible.

[thehappycynic]

Trust me this isn't out of lazyness or a lack of self-confidence or anything. I have just been thinking about the whole situation and from a logical standpoint this doesn't doesnt provide enough return for the amount of effort I am putting into this.

 

Basically I've been evaluating how much time I've been spending on these dating sites for the past year and I could of put that time to much better use.

 

What am I going to do now? In regards to my love-shyness problem and dating in general, absolutely nothing. In fact, what I am considering doing is seeing if there is some kind of therapy or drug I can take that will get rid of my chemical/psycological need for a siginificant other, as I have been extremely depressed over the last few months. I haven't let my depression interfere with my work or anything but I feel sooner or later it might. I want to mitigate that risk of possible.

 

Sorry TechGuy, it appears I have to have the premium subscription or more seniority to receive PM's.

 

I don't think meds are the answer. You simply lack confidence in yourself, and that has affected all the other areas of your life. It has made you think you don't deserve a "normal" woman, so you've severely lowered your standards. And your lack of self-esteem and self-respect has caused you to become depressed.

 

Your need for a "significant other" is completely normal, human behavior. But you are not emotionally ready for a relationship. You have nothing to offer her but money, and that's not going to give you anything that lasts or makes you feel good about yourself.

 

I think therapy is an excellent idea. And others have suggested just getting more involved in activities YOU enjoy, even if it is The Chess Club, and that's an excellent idea, too. You just have to get out there. You have to WORK at improving your communication skills. The happier you are with you and your life, the more confident you'll become in yourself, and the easier it will be to talk to women.

 

Here's the biggie though: You CANNOT make a woman happy until YOU are happy. You have to be content with yourself, first. Brutal honestly alert: Why would a regular gal who is happy with her life want to date a man with no self-respect who is depressed? Healthy women want healthy men. It's just that simple.

 

I feel for ya, I really do. But your problems are NOT insurmountable. You just have to completely commit to fixing them, and stop blaming and saying "I was born like this!" It's a cop out.

 

Good luck, TechGuy.

[lovestruck818]

I'm a woman...and I like to be the one with the money...I want to be the breadwinner, not him.

 

As a woman, I want a man to show me he needs me financially/emotionally/whatever, not the other way around.

[TheFonz]

I'm a woman...and I like to be the one with the money...I want to be the breadwinner, not him.

 

As a woman, I want a man to show me he needs me financially/emotionally/whatever, not the other way around.

 

I like sugar mommies if they're hot .

[TheFonz]

Trust me this isn't out of lazyness or a lack of self-confidence or anything. I have just been thinking about the whole situation and from a logical standpoint this doesn't doesnt provide enough return for the amount of effort I am putting into this.

 

Basically I've been evaluating how much time I've been spending on these dating sites for the past year and I could of put that time to much better use.

 

But you are just not appreciating what I was suggesting. It was about working smarter and more efficiently not working harder and longer. You need good pics and some interesting details on your page and have that page on different dating sites. Eventually some girl will contact you first and these ones are much easier to get agree to meet in person.

 

What am I going to do now? In regards to my love-shyness problem and dating in general, absolutely nothing. In fact, what I am considering doing is seeing if there is some kind of therapy or drug I can take that will get rid of my chemical/psycological need for a siginificant other, as I have been extremely depressed over the last few months. I haven't let my depression interfere with my work or anything but I feel sooner or later it might. I want to mitigate that risk of possible.

 

What this tells me is you have little motivation and drive to try things that will bring you what you want. You are looking for a therapist to spoon feed you, or a magic pill that will make you mr. personality. Neither one will accomplish that.

[tomwiz]

quit calling it a diease...its not, its called being socially awkward. I was that way from 13-20, decided to change it and did, you need confidence not a drug. Being in your comfort zone and doing things that you felt would work clearly havent, evolve or become extinct.