"The Ethical slut"- anyone read or heard of this book?

[angie2443]

Someone loaned me the book "The Ethical Slut" because lately I seem to be meeting a lot of people in open relationships. Anyways, the book talks about having more than one sex parter and doing it in an ethical way. In other words, their partner knows that they will be sexual with other people, they don't lie or hide this from the people they want to be intimant with, and they have rules and bounderies.

 

What I have noticed with many of the people that cheat here, is that they crave that "butterfly in the stomach" (in love) feeling they get when they first meet someone, or they just want variety. I'm wondering if these people can't be monogomous and would be better off bieng an "ethical slut". I'm wondering, for the people who cheat but still want marriage, why not just divorce and enter into an open relationship with someone who has the same views?

 

Any ideas on this?

 

By the way, I don't think people with more than one sex partner are sluts, it's just the term used in the book and I can't think of another one.

[Nevermind]

I know a couple who are in an open relationship and it works just fine for them. They also told me, and I believe it, that many times when one of them sees an attractive person and tells the other about it, then this is already good enough: sharing a sexual fantasy. But they both have had sex with other people, but when they do it is about the sex. Neither of them ever had an emotional affair.

 

While I couldn't do it I think it can work if both are fully engaged in the relationship and treasure honesty for its own worth.

 

The problem is, that not many people can really do it, so to find 2 people who a) love each other and b) are fine and happy with an open relationship is liking finding two matching needles in the hay.

[blind_otter]

I know a couple who used to have an open relationship. It turns out the wife just wanted to be able to have sex with other people, but could not stand it when he H got his groove on. Some people really are just cake-eaters.

 

In the end, during their experiment, she slept with 5 different guys and the H only slept with one other woman. The W became enraged after her H slept with that one woman and kicked him out of the house!

[LucreziaBorgia]

What I have noticed with many of the people that cheat here, is that they crave that "butterfly in the stomach" (in love) feeling they get when they first meet someone

 

I'm wondering, for the people who cheat but still want marriage, why not just divorce and enter into an open relationship with someone who has the same views?

 

I guess the question for me would be - is it possible to have those 'butterfly' feelings and be madly in love with someone enough to get married AND be able to have an open relationship with a person? I'm not sure that is possible, because that initial 'madly in love' with feeling is by its very nature possessive. You don't want anyone else, and you don't want anyone else to have what you have.

 

That said, I think you can love someone, be already married to them and want an open relationship, but I don't know of very many people who can say that they are madly in love and would marry into an open relationship.

 

I think that is why you see more people who marry traditionally and end up wanting an open arrangement (or cheating when they can't have it) - than you do two people who are madly in love and want to marry each other and start out still having sex with others.

[angie2443]

I know a couple who used to have an open relationship. It turns out the wife just wanted to be able to have sex with other people, but could not stand it when he H got his groove on. Some people really are just cake-eaters.

 

In the end, during their experiment, she slept with 5 different guys and the H only slept with one other woman. The W became enraged after her H slept with that one woman and kicked him out of the house!

 

Too funny! I think that many people would like to have more than partner, but they want their partners to just have them.

[angie2443]

I know a couple who are in an open relationship and it works just fine for them. They also told me, and I believe it, that many times when one of them sees an attractive person and tells the other about it, then this is already good enough: sharing a sexual fantasy. But they both have had sex with other people, but when they do it is about the sex. Neither of them ever had an emotional affair.

 

While I couldn't do it I think it can work if both are fully engaged in the relationship and treasure honesty for its own worth.

 

The problem is, that not many people can really do it, so to find 2 people who a) love each other and b) are fine and happy with an open relationship is liking finding two matching needles in the hay.

 

I am curious about people keep the emotions at bay when in these situations. I know it is quite possible to not develop feelings for everyone you're physical with. How, though, is it possible to never develop feelings for other people you're physical with? I would think that the risk of falling in love is there in these open situations. I know a couple in which the wife has a boyfriend she loves, and the husband is fine with this. I'm dying to ask them how they make this work.

[angie2443]

I guess the question for me would be - is it possible to have those 'butterfly' feelings and be madly in love with someone enough to get married AND be able to have an open relationship with a person? I'm not sure that is possible, because that initial 'madly in love' with feeling is by its very nature possessive. You don't want anyone else, and you don't want anyone else to have what you have. "

 

Good point! I didn't think about this. I think the open relationship thing would work best with two people who know themselves enough to know that they can't physically be with just one person and who would be mature enough to admit/accept this to themselves and their partners and accept it within their partners.

[Owl]

I am curious about people keep the emotions at bay when in these situations. I know it is quite possible to not develop feelings for everyone you're physical with. How, though, is it possible to never develop feelings for other people you're physical with? I would think that the risk of falling in love is there in these open situations. I know a couple in which the wife has a boyfriend she loves, and the husband is fine with this. I'm dying to ask them how they make this work.

 

I think this is the crux of the problem...right along with jealousy factor that often comes in.

 

I've known several couples that ATTEMPTED open marriages...but I've never seen a successful LONG TERM marriage that pulled it off.

 

In all the cases I've seen, inevitably it does boil down to one partner "falling in love" with one of their sexual partners...or one partner can no longer bear sharing their partner with others.

 

In other words...in all the situations I've seen like this...its almost always ended with ONE of the partners being devestated by attempting this lifestyle.

 

I personally wouldn't recommend it for anyone. If you feel you can't be monogamous...don't marry.

 

Marriage 'sets the tone' for the relationship in that aspect...often even though both partners may have agreed to something different up front, you'll find that they REALLY expected monogamy in the relationship. Regardless of what they SAID they expected out of it.

 

Personally, if someone wants to have multiple partners, that's their choice and it doesn't matter to me. If they're married...that's another issue. And if the other people they're 'with' are married to someone who doesn't know or approve of that lifestyle...that's a whole 'nother story.