How to move on?

[taylor3205]

My relationship of 10 years ended last november, i have been in contact with my ex for the past 5 months and its just one big horrible hurtful mess, we have had NC for a month or so but one or the other ends up making contact. I have tried lots of things to get over my ex. Ive made new friends, even tried dating BUT no matter where I go, what I do or who I am with there is this big massive empty hole inside of me and a deep rooted sadness that will just not go away. EVERYTHING I do reminds me of our times together, I met someone I really liked but it felt like I was cheating, I couldnt bring myself to do anything sexually. I really wish that my ex didnt have such a hold over me and my life. There is nothing I want more than to be free of all the hurt and pain and I want to get on with my life. It just feels like there is very little to live for and dating someone just makes me miss my ex all the more. I suppose I want someone to fill the emptiness I feel inside, someone that makes me happy like my ex did, someone I love......its never going to happen.

 

I go from raging to completely destroyed, ive begged, ive pleaded, ive tried to remain calm and just be friends. Ive tried everything. I feel like i will NEVER get over it. Im 30, my ex was my first everything, my life!

Edited April 3, 2008 by taylor3205

[kivabeach]

My relationship of 10 years ended last november, i have been in contact with my ex for the past 5 months and its just one big horrible hurtful mess, we have had NC for a month or so but one or the other ends up making contact. I have tried lots of things to get over my ex. Ive made new friends, even tried dating BUT no matter where I go, what I do or who I am with there is this big massive empty hole inside of me and a deep rooted sadness that will just not go away. EVERYTHING I do reminds me of our times together, I met someone I really liked but it felt like I was cheating, I couldnt bring myself to do anything sexually. I really wish that my ex didnt have such a hold over me and my life. There is nothing I want more than to be free of all the hurt and pain and I want to get on with my life. It just feels like there is very little to live for and dating someone just makes me miss my ex all the more. I suppose I want someone to fill the emptiness I feel inside, someone that makes me happy like my ex did, someone I love......its never going to happen.

 

I go from raging to completely destroyed, ive begged, ive pleaded, ive tried to remain calm and just be friends. Ive tried everything. I feel like i will NEVER get over it. Im 30, my ex was my first everything, my life!

 

I wish i had some helpful advice, but I don't. i'm in a similar scenerio. My ex and I split up 5 years ago, and out of nowhere, he came back into my life. It was a rough breakup and I didnt want it to be over. It took me 2 years to move on. Finally, when thoughts of him no longer exisit...he appears out of the blue. All of the feelings come rushing back and I'm back in the same emotional state I was in when we first broke up. I'm not sure we'll ever get over them, but YOU have to try and move on. Go slow. Listen to your emotions. Be good to yourself. Good Luck!

[CaliGuy]

My relationship of 10 years ended last november, i have been in contact with my ex for the past 5 months and its just one big horrible hurtful mess, we have had NC for a month or so but one or the other ends up making contact. I have tried lots of things to get over my ex. Ive made new friends, even tried dating BUT no matter where I go, what I do or who I am with there is this big massive empty hole inside of me and a deep rooted sadness that will just not go away. EVERYTHING I do reminds me of our times together, I met someone I really liked but it felt like I was cheating, I couldnt bring myself to do anything sexually. I really wish that my ex didnt have such a hold over me and my life. There is nothing I want more than to be free of all the hurt and pain and I want to get on with my life. It just feels like there is very little to live for and dating someone just makes me miss my ex all the more. I suppose I want someone to fill the emptiness I feel inside, someone that makes me happy like my ex did, someone I love......its never going to happen.

 

I go from raging to completely destroyed, ive begged, ive pleaded, ive tried to remain calm and just be friends. Ive tried everything. I feel like i will NEVER get over it. Im 30, my ex was my first everything, my life!

 

 

How to move on: 101

 

1. Exercise every day for a minimum of 45 minutes (cardio).

2. Dive into new hobbies. Do things you've always wanted to do.

3. Focus on self-first. Sounds selfish, but in reality, *I* is all we truly have.

4. Spend as much time with friends as possible, but don't talk to the ex.

5. Consider Counseling sessions. If you want to moan, cry, whine about your ex, that's the place to do it.

6. Make a list of your ex's most annoying habits. Post it up somewhere you can read it every day.

7. Make a mental list of 3 of your favorite things to do. Whenever thoughts of your ex occur, force yourself to think about one of those three things exclusively. It will become habitual after a while.

8. Work on self-improvement. Areas of yourself you can improve upon. Not just physical fitness, but also mental fitness.

9. Stop focusing in on the negatives or the past. It's wasting emotional energy on things you can not control. You can't change the past, you can't change where you are in life now. All you can do is ACCEPT it for what it is and do your best to focus on your FUTURE. Focusing in on the past is what keeps people from moving on.

10. Hang out with the opposite sex, making a very conscious effort not to think about your ex. The biggest way to turn off a future love is to talk a lot about a PAST love.

11. Face fears: Remember the hobby one? The best way to overcome fears is to FACE them head on. Scared of heights? Skydive. Scared to talk to the opposite sex? Spark up conversations with random people.

12. Get liposuction or lasik or breast enlargements. Yes, I said that. Splurge on yourself. It will boost your self-confidence. Granted it's not cheap but sometimes one physical improvement will do a lot for your self esteem. I had LASIK and one other procedure. I feel like a million bucks (and look like it too, muahahaha!). I'm way hotter at 39 than I was at 18.

13. Never speak in self-defeatist tones (No one will ever love me!!!). All that does is start a downward spiral which is very hard to recover from and to be honest, it's NOT TRUE. You will find someone to love you when YOU stop feeling sorry for YOURSELF.

14. In order to be loved, one must love themselves first. In order to know how to love others, one must love themselves first. In order to be respected by others, one must respect themselves first. Do you see the trend? One can not understand how to love another properly without loving themselves first. It's just not possible.

15. Begging, pleading, crying -- none of that stuff ever works. The best revenge is a life well lived. The minute you beg or pleade, all respect is lost. And with no respect there can be no attraction or love. Mutual respect is the foundation on which love lives. That is why NC is so important. It not only proves to your ex that you don't need him/her, it proves it to YOURSELF!

16. Last but not least, stop blaming yourself. Relationships succeed or fail with two people, not one. Even if you did everything 100% right, that doesn't mean the relationship will work. People come and go from your life every day. Let them walk if they don't want to be with you. You can not force someone to love you anymore than they can force themselves to love another. Love doesn't work that way. Understand that every relationship you fail in brings you one step closer to success. Learn from the past, do not repeat the mistakes you made and just be confident in who you are.

 

Even if you're not the hottest person around, the following rules still apply:

 

Confidence > Looks (I don't care what anyone says).

Great personality > Looks

Sense of humor > Looks

 

Make a woman laugh, speak with confidence and be a GOOD man (not a "nice guy") and women will fall for you.

 

And women, the same goes for you. Be funny, confident/secure and have a great personality and you won't have to LOOK for love.

 

Love will find you.

 

Cheers.

[your star]

Hi taylor.

 

How long have you two been broken up? I was with my ex for almost 7 years and we broke up about 10 months ago. he disappeared and ran like a coward after the break-up and popped back into my life right on my birthday in October. Ever since, we had contact and it was a mess. Emotions were everywhere, and I would be okay one day, then angry or sad the next after talking to him. I was forcing myself to be his friend when really it was doing no good what so ever. I cannot say that every day is easy, but it is slowly getting better now that I pulled myself AWAY from him. You just have to stop thinking soo far ahead and think about NOW and that it's not worth it to feel crummy over someone. They know how we feel. In my case I really felt like it just snapped in my head one day that I deserve to have someone that wants to be there. I walked away like a woman and I am finally feeling at peace. Im still not at the point where I really want to date or see anyone. And of course when you spend soo much of your life with someone, they do cross your mind. But it does take time and you just have to focus your thoughts towards yourself. Hang in there, I promise it does get better because there were days I thought I would never be able to get over it..but I am...and so will you!

[MalachiX]

If you were with your EX for ten years, it's going to take you a while to move on. I was only with mine for 2 1/2 years and it's still murder after roughly two months. It's OK. You need to take time to grieve. That's normal.

 

For now, why not focus on exercise and making yourself laugh. Laughing helps a lot. Start renting comedies or downloading old episodes of Frasier or something. I spent two days looking up funny quotes. The best of which is:

 

"I said once that I could make love to a woman for 8 hours. What I didn't mention was that includes dinner, a movie, and four hours of begging."

 

-Sting

[Ssheena]

Taylor,

 

Hi. Sorry you are here but welcome to the club.

 

Copy and paste what Caliguy wrote into a doc and print it out and read it over and over and over and then a few more times.

 

Be gentle with yourself. There is no time limit or timeframe that you "have" to be better by. Get a puppy or kitten if you can.

 

Read all the postings on here, join in, help others, take it one day at a time.

 

Forgive yourself for any slips backwards you may make. Sometimes it's one step forward two back and then all of a sudden it's 4 steps forward and no slipping back.

 

It's ok to have all the feelings you are.

[taylor3205]

@ caliguy - Thats some very good advice there. I guess the first step towards truly healing is letting go and accepting its over, which I havent done yet.

 

@ yourstar - We have been broken up for 5 months now (seems like a helluva lot longer tho). Im glad your starting to feel better. I need to pull myself away from my ex too. Friendship aint never gonna work.

 

Thanks to everyone else for your replies. Heartbreak aint easy is it? I am going to have to move home soon too, from the house we shared for 8 years. I guess its for the best but it is very scary and is just another thing that reminds me that life as I have known it for the past 10 years is truly over and that HURTS so much.

 

My ex was EVERYTHING to me, my friend, my lover, my confidant......everything. I didnt need anyone else and lots of friendships have suffered because of that. I now find myself with next to nothing and very few people I would really call a true friend. I guess I just have to re-build my life, step by step and bit by bit and hope there is a brighter future.

[Issues & tissues]

Taylor,

 

If it's any consolation, my ex and I were also together for 10 years (he broke up with me 3 months ago). It's been by far the most painful experience I have ever had to endure. Never could I have imagined that we would one day be apart. He was my first, my last my everything. One moment with me. The next gone. I was devastated. I did the whole emotional rollercoaster (from panic attacks to elaborate thoughts of suicide).

 

All I can say is "one day at a time" - some days will be mediocre, others a real struggle.

 

Go NC. It's the only way. Our exes may have chosen to walk away. But we chose to let them go. This at least is some consolation.

 

Hold on to your dignity and hold your head up high as you let them walk away.

 

They made their choice and if we love them as much as we say we do then we must love them enough to let them go. Will they live to regret that choice? Only time will tell. And if they do, by then I'm afraid I will have reached the point where I will say "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn!"

 

Keep breathing! Keep living! Tomorrow is another day!

Edited April 4, 2008 by Issues & tissues

[Rooster_DAR]

My ex was EVERYTHING to me, my friend, my lover, my confidant......everything. I didnt need anyone else and lots of friendships have suffered because of that. I now find myself with next to nothing and very few people I would really call a true friend. I guess I just have to re-build my life, step by step and bit by bit and hope there is a brighter future.

 

Maybe some of this was the problem. My EX did the same thing to me, but she was cheating. I gave up everything else in my life, she was my everything and I assumed this was the right way to treat a woman you loved. Well guess what my friend, it seems this may have actually contributed to the problem.

 

A woman/or man that pulls you into her life that much, I believe, is a big problem, and many men fall for this. Now that I have had time to reflect on the demise of our relationship, I realize many things I should not have done. I quit hanging around my friends, my family, and gave up many things I liked to do.

 

I think there is a point in a relationship were many are vulnerable to losing who they are to the person they love, and while it appears that this should be something their spouse should cherish, perhaps it's what drive the relationship into a dull companionship. In my case much of what I gave up is because I did not want to argue and took the passive approach by just giving in, now I think I should have stood my ground with my ideals.

 

Cheers!