I love her - but how far does that take me? Differences, rough times.. Am I to go on?

[The Studmuffin]

(i just posted this in Breaks and Breaking up but i hope you don't mind me putting it here as well, I really would like to hear your thoughts...)

 

ok, so i've been with my girlfriend for 5.5 months now. it's the longest relationship i've had, and it's also the longest one she's had. i'm 24 and she's 23.

 

i'm doing an exchange year in her country, and will be going home in June to work and finish my studies. she's finishing her studies here, and will go abroad next fall to do a graduate program. so we will be splitting up in about two months...

 

together we found love and we've really appreciated all the time we've spent together so far. still, there have been lots of difficulties. i have found it hard to adapt to some of her traits, like always being late for meeting, being really busy and not taking relaxed time with me -although on that one i can't blame her because she's busy with school and i know she would like to spend more time with me-, and some other small things.

 

i've also gone through periods where i've just wanted to throw her out of my life and be alone, probably because i'm quite sensitive and haven't had much experience with intimacy so far, and they have been sort of psychological reflexes when she's touched my soft points.

 

but these rough patches, and more, i've come through. i told myself to do it for her, and to do it for our love, and i've made it. and i still have very strong feelings for her.

 

so at the moment i'm wondering if there is a future for us. i'm (naturally) finding it very hard to let go of something i've put a lot of work into... let go of something we've created between us basically. but then again i don't know if you should hold onto something that isn't great, that isn't making you happy, fulfilling you.

 

exam period is coming up and we'll both be really busy. so now we're discussing taking a break for that period and doing something together in June OR breaking up right now. i started wondering about breaking up with her or not seeing her for more than a month, and i got really emotional, started crying and all the good things we have together ran through my head.

 

now i'm confused. i know that in most cases people don't find "the one", the person that's perfect and fills every single dream about a partner, and i know the sun doesn't shine every single day. there are differences and there are difficulties. but where to draw the line?

 

how can you know if the love you have for another person is strong enought to outweigh the "negative" points?

when do you know that the real, practical differences are just too important, and that partner is just not a smart choice?

 

the gut feeling? listen to your heart? if only it was that easy! there are way too many things running through my heart and through my head... i just cannot separate the smart voices of reason within me from my feelings of love, and from my desire to love and be in a relationship... and at this point i'm just not sure it's possible.

 

i would really really appreciate your thoughts on this! have you had these defining moments in a relationships? decided to go for it? decided it wasn't smart? any regrets?

[planna]

hey dude

it sounds like wat you want is her. plain and simple, wen you think about breaking up with her your a mess, so i suggest explore your options, do you have to return home once the exchange is up? can you finish your training/work thing there as well as extend your stay after that and carry on?

[The Studmuffin]

thanks for your reply.

 

i don't know... i pretty much have to go home in the end of June. and anyway, she will be going away after the summer... so if we want to continue together, it would have to be after a while, like after i finish next year in university.

 

i know i love her, and she's a great girl. but like i said, it hasn't been all fun and games. it's been a lot of difficulties. and sometimes i've felt like my gut feeling has been telling me to leave this relationship. and then other times i feel like going through what i have to go through for love...

[The Studmuffin]

So, basically my question is:

 

How easy is it supposed to be ?

[xpaperxcutx]

Relationships are never easy, they always have their own trials and tribulations. The best thing that can help you pass them is just put in your efforts equally and ride out the problems that work against you.

 

You're obviously in love with your gf, and I understand your frustration about everything that's happening. But you're in your prime and currently your way of thinking is working against you more than ever. I encourage you not to see this as an all or nothing situation but try to adapt it in a way that'll work in both you and her favor. Don't give up at the first sign of trouble, at least since you feel that you don't want to give up on something that you have put so much effort in. So then why not try to make it long distance? Set some ground rules, but if you feel that your career comes first (which it always does) then it's not selfish of you to want to take a break. Bear in mind, that you are still your own person and you have to live for yourself first before you live for someone else.

[The Studmuffin]

I encourage you not to see this as an all or nothing situation but try to adapt it in a way that'll work in both you and her favor. Don't give up at the first sign of trouble, at least since you feel that you don't want to give up on something that you have put so much effort in.

 

a funny thing... i was just looking at one of the e-mails i wrote to my girlfriend when i was enduring some amount of time without her and not handling it too well... and i used just those words... i said that with me it was 'all or nothing'. but you are right. and i figured it out a few days ago. it doesn't really work that way. but it's hard, because love is a selfish feeling, it wants EVERYTHING and it wants it NOW.... so i guess the task at hand is to try to moderate that feeling, and try to put it into a good flow.

[The Studmuffin]

and that was my 100th post! yahoo!!!