I love her - but how far does that take me? Differences, rough times.. Am I to go on?

[The Studmuffin]

ok, so i've been with my girlfriend for 5.5 months now. it's the longest relationship i've had, and it's also the longest one she's had. i'm 24 and she's 23.

 

i'm doing an exchange year in her country, and will be going home in June to work and finish my studies. she's finishing her studies here, and will go abroad next fall to do a graduate program. so we will be splitting up in about two months...

 

together we found love and we've really appreciated all the time we've spent together so far. still, there have been lots of difficulties. i have found it hard to adapt to some of her traits, like always being late for meeting, being really busy and not taking relaxed time with me -although on that one i can't blame her because she's busy with school and i know she would like to spend more time with me-, and some other small things.

 

i've also gone through periods where i've just wanted to throw her out of my life and be alone, probably because i'm quite sensitive and haven't had much experience with intimacy so far, and they have been sort of psychological reflexes when she's touched my soft points.

 

but these rough patches, and more, i've come through. i told myself to do it for her, and to do it for our love, and i've made it. and i still have very strong feelings for her.

 

so at the moment i'm wondering if there is a future for us. i'm (naturally) finding it very hard to let go of something i've put a lot of work into... let go of something we've created between us basically. but then again i don't know if you should hold onto something that isn't great, that isn't making you happy, fulfilling you.

 

exam period is coming up and we'll both be really busy. so now we're discussing taking a break for that period and doing something together in June OR breaking up right now. i started wondering about breaking up with her or not seeing her for more than a month, and i got really emotional, started crying and all the good things we have together ran through my head.

 

now i'm confused. i know that in most cases people don't find "the one", the person that's perfect and fills every single dream about a partner, and i know the sun doesn't shine every single day. there are differences and there are difficulties. but where to draw the line?

 

how can you know if the love you have for another person is strong enought to outweigh the "negative" points?

when do you know that the real, practical differences are just too important, and that partner is just not a smart choice?

 

the gut feeling? listen to your heart? if only it was that easy! there are way too many things running through my heart and through my head... i just cannot separate the smart voices of reason within me from my feelings of love, and from my desire to love and be in a relationship... and at this point i'm just not sure it's possible.

 

i would really really appreciate your thoughts on this! have you had these defining moments in a relationships? decided to go for it? decided it wasn't smart? any regrets?

[sedgwick]

how can you know if the love you have for another person is strong enought to outweigh the "negative" points?

when do you know that the real, practical differences are just too important, and that partner is just not a smart choice?

 

You look at the negative points and see how different they are from your fundamental values. For example, I tried to date someone once whose politics were very different from mine, and it didn't work out. You have to look at both of your life goals side by side and see how well they align. What do both of you think is really important in life? When I was in college, I dated someone whose primary life goal was to make money. Given that mine is to make art, that one didn't work out either.

 

But if it's the little stuff, like her being late and you being on time, or one of you being a morning person and one a night person -- those things can be annoying, but in the grand scheme of things, they're not that big a deal.

 

Ask yourself: how is my life better with this person in it? If you can't answer that question enthusiastically and immediately, she's probably not the person for you.

[stlnsmile]

My main question is, you two are going to be seperated it seems for over a year, it seems like right now, career, educational opportunities out weigh the relationship. Thats just the age you are at, and you have not been together that long. Its hard to make "life sacrifices" for someone you've only known 5.5 months. I wonder what are your thoughts on the seperation, being seperated by Oceans, not just states........how would you handle that and stay together?

[The Studmuffin]

You look at the negative points and see how different they are from your fundamental values. For example, I tried to date someone once whose politics were very different from mine, and it didn't work out. You have to look at both of your life goals side by side and see how well they align. What do both of you think is really important in life? When I was in college, I dated someone whose primary life goal was to make money. Given that mine is to make art, that one didn't work out either.

 

But if it's the little stuff, like her being late and you being on time, or one of you being a morning person and one a night person -- those things can be annoying, but in the grand scheme of things, they're not that big a deal.

 

Ask yourself: how is my life better with this person in it? If you can't answer that question enthusiastically and immediately, she's probably not the person for you.

 

thos are good points. i'm gonna have to take a closer look at that... but upon first thought, she's a lot like me, lifestyle-wise.. same interests, similar outlook on the world, headed for similar directions in the future and even taste similar in many cases... this is what i've been looking at in the last days. i've been trying to get over these small things, because they really shouldn't be a cause for break-up, little things like being late and stuff...

[The Studmuffin]

My main question is, you two are going to be seperated it seems for over a year, it seems like right now, career, educational opportunities out weigh the relationship. Thats just the age you are at, and you have not been together that long. Its hard to make "life sacrifices" for someone you've only known 5.5 months. I wonder what are your thoughts on the seperation, being seperated by Oceans, not just states........how would you handle that and stay together?

 

and that's a very valid point as well. i don't know... i guess i'm just that kind of a hopeless romantic, that i naively believe that anything is possible if real love is there and it's the first time i've ever experienced that with someone, so i'm just exploring the possibilities right now. i know it's a stretch... but i just know anything is possible in this world. so i'm not closing any doors for the moment.

 

and i've heard of people being separated for a year and then getting back together because they just really really like being together... so even though we break up, and go to different countries, we'll be together if we're meant to. or if we really really want to.

[stlnsmile]

Well, I guess thats just my point, if you love someone, really love them, then distance, time, space, does not remove that from you or your heart. You can handle those things because the faith, the trust, the wholeness is there, you trust that person with your life. At least thats what I believe. I think differences are just that, little things, that mean nothing in the long run. My dad leaves the cabinet doors open on the kitchen cabinets every time he opens one, my mom goes and closes them behind him everytime......she doesn't care, because she loves my dad. So I guess I'm just saying, I am sure it is hard after 5.5 months to know if this is your life partner or not.....and the fact you will be seperated in two months makes that even harder.

 

Things are not always fun in relationships, sacrifices happen, pain happens. Its just comittment that is so many times lacking. Do you want to go through it with this person or not? If you do, then try not to focus on the differences, but the similarities, and come up with a plan for the time you will be apart. And decide if you really want to be apart at all if that is a choice. I just know, that if my dad had to leave for a job somewhere for a 6 mo. or a year, my mom would still be here waiting. And she would not worry about his love for her, she believes in him 100% and he believes in her. Sooo, I guess thats why I was asking, and I do not think you are a hopeless romantic, but actually practicle in your feelings. Loving someone is not a sin.....you just have to decide if you do....?

[NickP]

stlnsmile, no one could have said it better.

 

stud, you sound a lil unsure bout your feelings bout her. sounds like you're trying to be cautious, or trying to protect yourself any pain/sacrifices. Love is a gamble. sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't. with college/work etc in today's world, it's all about balancing it out. if you love her, take the risk. with my ex, i never felt like i was really in a proper relationship until i decided to give it my all. i threw away any negativities or doubts that i had about it/her and focussed on building a future with that person. the relationship felt a lot more fufilling then. when we had to make a decision bout a long distance relationship, we tried for it and even tho it dint work out, i've got no regrets.

 

This is something I picked up (funnily enough, from army training) which I've found useful:

there re 4 stages to every relationship (with a friend/gf/etc.)

1. you get to know the person

2. you start to get closer to the person and notice their certain traits/habits

3. you start to pick at those habits, or you find those habits annoying and you feel like you want to change them and you try to do so -> causing arguments/fights

4. you accept the other person for who they are, embrace their habits and live a healty relationship of respect and acceptance of one another.

 

i hope im not over analyzing but i find this very true in many relationships i've had. i suspect you're about stage 3. my experience is that when i accept those lil things about some1 that annoy me, i can see a bigger picture about the relationship with that person.

 

hope it helps

gd luk m8

[The Studmuffin]

thanks for your posts guys, i appreciate it. and it's good advice.

 

loving is not a sin, i know, and you have to make up your mind about if you do. then you probably need to look at the negative points in the relationship and ask yourself if the love is stronger than all those points.

 

the hard part (for me, at the moment, anyway) is to know what negative points are important and what points are not. i'm really not sure if there are any points that are definitely "break-causers". there are some points in the relationship that annoy the hell out of me... but i'm also finding out that i have quite some patience and resilience in letting my love for her keep it going.

 

and it's hard when you don't have comparison. it's my first "long" relationship and i'm not sure if this is "the real deal" or not. i basically don't know anymore what i really want and what i need in a relationship... and i guess that's what i'm learning now. but as you guys say, it's a gamble. like life. there are no garanties. sometimes you just have to dive in...

 

NickP, those four stages are interesting. i think me and my gf are definitely at stage three. i'm still getting to know her and i'm seeing traits in her, seeing her character. and i guess i'm beginning to wonder if any of those are traits that i won't be able to cope with... so taking the first steps into #4.

 

it's funny, i remember when i accepted the traits in my best friend.. even after we had been friends for years. i was still getting to know him and some of the stuff about him pissed me so much off. i remember at some point i just told myself "we're different people, different characters" and "he's an amazing friend, so just accept him and don't get caught up in thinking about the things that get on your nerves"...

 

although that's of course easier with a friend than with someone who is as close to you (physically, emotionally and mentally) as a girlfriend/boyfriend...

[stlnsmile]

the hard part (for me, at the moment, anyway) is to know what negative points are important and what points are not. i'm really not sure if there are any points that are definitely "break-causers". there are some points in the relationship that annoy the hell out of me... .

 

Its hard when you get to that point, its like your really care about someone, but their lifestyle, habits, who they are even, can drive you nuts....but I think sometimes its as easy as making a choice, ya know, do I want to try to be with this person even though they drive me nuts sometimes. Sometimes we are not old enough to make that comittment, sometimes we are not ready to settle down and sacrifice that way for someone, sometimes we are still looking for "perfect for me", when in truth it probably does not exsist.

 

There is perfect enough, and happy enough....but all the tingly good stuff does go away and then it becomes work....and thats when most people don't like it anymore. I only have this reference because I have seen my parents go through the worst stuff and still love each other, I guess its just because my parents are friends, I mean they appreciate each other and like each other and laugh together, on the other side, they do have arguments, and they do have things that drives them nuts about the other person, but they just choose to not look at those things......its hard to explain, but it just seems to me that you are having trouble with comittment, and I would seriously look at that.....I mean what is it that YOU really want right now for you......guys have a much harder time with this than girls.

 

Its like girls are raised to not be afraid of marriage, comittment, life long partners, where that same idea can freak a guy out cause a guy is always thinking "there might be someone better for me, there might be something better." And I think that is the fallicy.......that there is something better.......the next person will have their faults too.......and its not until you can learn to accept peoples humanity, their human nature, with complete acceptance, and stop wondering if there is someone better, then you can let go of that silly cr**! Guys have a hard time with it. Women know this, women actually joke about this........its a gender issue I think. Most women are not afraid to comitt......some are, but most are not. Wonder if your girl is as afraid as you are, you should ask her how she feels? Just thoughts of course.

[The Studmuffin]

things just ended between me and my girlfriend. this time it was her that said she thought that due to lack of time and difficulties in finding balance in meeting each other we would be better off not together. and she's right. it's been very hard.

 

you talk of committment. i've been asking myself the question, would i have been ready for such committment. i think i would have been. last summer, before my exchange year, i remember thinking that what i really wanted in my life was to feel love. real love. i wanted to feel something strong, some feeling that had the power to affect my life, and even take part in deciding it's course. i basically felt i was through with flings and casual affairs. i wanted love.

 

so with her i was ready to give it all, put myself out there. and i did. i did really give it my best. i overcame quite some rough patches and emotional impulses telling me to get out (hopefully i wasn't ignoring the 'gut feeling'!), because some things about her or our relationship weren't up to my top expectations. i got over a period of jealousy. i was patient with her, when she was really busy with school.

 

so... i wanted something big and real and i was ready for it.

 

but now it's over. i don't know if it's us, if it's the fact that we're different people and have different needs when it comes to spending time together and expressing our love... or if it's simply a lack of time and pressure because of school.

 

i always had a very hard time waiting for her when she would be late for dates (which is maybe silly, it should be a detail you get over), when she had a hard time giving me a fixed date for meeting in the near future (she's not a very organized person, like me) ... when this occurred i usually got a very bad feeling, almost a feeling of rejection.. extreme dissappointment at least.

 

and as i said, i don't know if me getting this feeling was my problem, something i could've worked on and gotten over (i'm open to that possibility), or if it was a sign/a gut feeling telling me that we were not a match.

 

again, i appreciate all your responses. they help me A LOT!