Prosecco Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 But I'm hoping I'll still be able to get advice from here even if I'm not following the NC bit. Normally, following a break up like this, I would go no contact for a while, and when I felt ready, pursue friendship. I am good friends with my last serious ex, and am only not close to him because he's in LA, and I'm in the far superior town of London. The summary: This ex- got under my skin, I loved him, he didn't love me. But did care. He broke up with me because a) I told him I loved him (he freaked out), and b) he had already decided to accept a job meaning a long term, probably permanent, move to the States. We'd never fought, had always been on good terms - I love him, he cares about me. He just knew that a) it's unfair to be in an emotionally unbalanced relationship, and b) to prolong us going out now would make it worse when he broke up with me just before he left. He has been a little insensitive since the breakup on one occasion, but in all other ways has respected my needs and space. The (almost) decision: If I am not friends with him before he leaves the country, I will regret it for good. I am weighing sharp pain and stress now against a possible lifetime of regret. Friendship - to me, is the most important thing in life, and I find very few people worthy of it. Once found, it takes a heck of a lot for me to let them go. So - The ex is going to the States. Depending on how fast they rush his visa through, I suspect he'll be going within the next 6 months. If I work on getting over him by just avoiding him... I'm not going to be back as 'friends' within that time. I will hardly see him at all within that time - though meeting is inevitable as we have many mutual friends. And - if he goes to America, and we aren't friends, I know I'll regret that. He may be an idiot, and insensitive, but he's a good person. And... there aren't that many good people around. I was reminded of that by the crapness of another mutual friend, who's been ignoring all his friends for the new girlfriend. So - I was going to try and go for the 'that which doesn't kill me will make me stronger' approach. I'll write him a letter, get everything off my chest - answer his letter, explain things - and conclude - that I'm willing to try to hang out as friends in the near future - maybe in another couple of weeks etc - but it will be hard, and I need him to understand that. That there will have to be clearer boundaries than there would be between him and other female friends - so I know exactly where I stand. So long as I keep checking myself that it's not just spending time with him as picking the scraps of a relationship, and back off if it hurts too much - I think I will be willing to try. Obviously - if I unload on him - he may not wish to bother. And - if I try to be friends and find I can't, he may get hurt, and may not want that either. I do know that this may be seen as a clinging on to the dregs of the relationship. I seriously intend that it isn't, and if it turns out to be, then I'll have to simply return to not being involved with him in any way. I just don't want to protect myself now, and lose a friend for good - when pain now might mean coping quicker. Am I being stupid? Thoughts, please! Edit: "The title you've chosen contains words or phrases that violate our Community Guidelines. We have attempted to automatically remove the phrases asking for assistance from your title. Please make sure your title still makes sense." You aren't allowed to use the word 'advice' in a title?
Author Prosecco Posted April 3, 2008 Author Posted April 3, 2008 No thoughts anyone? This is the evening I'd have to sit down and write this if I'm going to do it - as I want him to have it when he returns from his current trip from the states...
sedona Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 I don't think there are any "rules" in this game. You have to follow your own path. If you truly feel that NC isn't right for you now, then fine. You can always start NC at a later time if you need to. You run an emotional risk either way.
Ofleg7 Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 You can write the letter anyway and decide what you want to do with it at a later time. Writing it and getting things off your chest will be beneficial for you regardless of whether you send it to him or not. I do know how you're feeling, I really want to be friends with my ex but know that it's not possible right now because I still feel strongly for her. If you think that you can push your emotional attachments to him to the side and just be friends then there's no harm. But if you're not ready, you're not ready, you shouldn't force yourself just because he's leaving the country. Especially if you're only setting yourself up for another fall. At the end of the day do what you feel is for the best, and good luck to you x
datingmum Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 You only live once girlfriend. What do you have to lose? If he's leaving, he's leaving, so even if you are secretly hoping the friendship will develop and it doesn't, you will be forced into dealing with it when he's gone. Either way, it's the same pain, now or then.... perhaps your way, you can actually be around him and it will help you in remembering the negative things? I think that the consideration of respecting your boundaries as a female friend will be the thing that is of utmost importance - no hand holding, hugging too long, kisses, sexual references related directly to you etc.... But beware, a few cocktails in and he may cross that line and you may too and then.......
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