Husband is no longer attacted to me (really long)

[Aprille]

I have a very strange situation, or atleast in my book.

 

My husband is no longer affectionate, he's into sex if I initiate it but thats all. Here's the strange part, my husband wants a salt water fishing boat so badly it's driving him mad and me also. We can't afford one right now with me in school and him the only wage earner. We use to use his Dad's boat but he sold it. When we went out on the boat he laughed and flirted and was the man I married. How do I deal with the mistress when she's a boat we can't afford? He says he is no different when we go out on the ocean, but I can tell the difference. I bowl tournaments on the weekend as a hobby, much less exspensive than a 45k fishing boat (used) and he bowls with me and says it's to spend time with me, but he is competitive and I feel this is the only reason he bowls with me so he can beat me at it.

 

We have been together for 15 years total since we were 16. We dated for 7 and married for the rest. I had to lay down and ultimatium for marriage and now I think it's comming to back to bite me even though he says he doesn't know why he was afraid to get married, that we actually got better after marriage. I relaxed because he gave me a commitment. I issues there since no one in my family can commitment to anything further away than the next five minutes.

 

I have had issues with jobs around here, I don't kiss up and I am an aggressive female in the work place, I get the job done. If I were a man I would be CEO by now, but because I am a female I am often labled a B****. I worked in the mobile home industry for 6 years and had 23 contractors report to me as the service manager, then a hydraulic shop with 8 guys reporting to me as the service coordinator and manager. These were my first two jobs I started in the mobile home industry and worked my way up. I am now attending a university on a scholarship with the Department of Defense which I turned down the first time because it may require relocation and hubby won't move for me. He's worked with caterpillar for 7 years now making about 48k. I have the opportunity to make close to 100k with the DOD upon graduation in the information assurance area. (computer geek here ) I decided to reapply and was awarded again and took it. He's lived on this property his entire life. 78 acres a long with his Dad and Grandparents who drive me crazy calling me everytime someone drives down the drive way.

 

I have sacraficed my entire life for others and feel it's my turn. I quit high school because he said we would never make it if I didn't and I was "in love" with him. My dad or mom was never there, got left with grandma a lot and still don't have much to do with them and as a result of their lack of parental participation I have some past history with Mom's boyfriends that isn't pleasant and I think I have commitment issues myself now.

 

I might have rambled some but I am trying to get it all out there for honest opinions and help. I want to be fair to him and don't want to lay the blame all at his feet. It takes two for it to work. But I feel I have tried and it's not working. I am starting to feel trapped with no way out and I know thats not a good sign. I went to counseling and he was going to go but never got around to it and then he said things were so much better since I was going and he felt he no longer needed to go.

 

Confused and Sad

[Tripper]

Kudos to you for improving you life's position, A.

 

However it seems like you and your H have different outlooks on life. He wants to have his job come home and saltwater fish. You, on the other hand, want to get ahead by improving your education and following a career.

 

It's not that one is a better route to go than the other (different strokes for different folks) but it does cause dissension and stress in a marriage.

Quite possibly, you H is also threatened by you as you learn new skills and the idea that you will earn considerably more than him, hence his reluctance to move.

BTW what distance away would you have to move? Is it commutable on weekends? Does it involve moving to an urban center where your H may not be happy? Can you do a certain amount of work from home? If you move, would he have a job opportunity and access to saltwater fishing?

 

These are questions that lead to the issue of how do you resolve the very fundamental difference of lifestyle?

Like most conflicts in life, you will have to negotiate a situation where both parties are satisfied or you walk away from the table ie: you end the marriage and both go your separate ways.

While that is not the answer you may want to hear, the impression I get is that you both have very different lifestyle needs and wants.

[Aprille]

I won't know about my assignment until I finish my degree, I am going all the way for my doctorate but after my masters I will have to go back to work, work study is part of the doctorate in my degree.

 

I could possibly be stationed right down the road at fort bragg or be sent to the pentagon. We are 3 hours from the coast now and 4 1/2 from where he likes to fish.

 

Even though I now know there is a possible move in my future I went ahead and accepted the scholarship it's what I want. I think what really started this is my husbands disinterest in me and over interest in the boat. He's two different people when he's here and when he's on the water.

 

I keep thinking we grew up, (pretty much together since we were teens). He's a country boy and I'm a city girl. And at this time I don't think there is a negotiation to be had. He's pretty much stated he's not moving out of the state period. Which is sad because a few years somewhere else could set us up for life. With a high ranking civilian position and a few years seniority I could pick where I wanted to go and could move us even closer to the coast. Don't get me wrong, I have saltwater in my veins also but I don't let it rule my life. I am not going to ignore my family and other obligations because I can't go to the ocean. He also doesn't like our home, it's a single wide mobile home that we bought while I worked in the industry, at the time it was brand new with all the appliances I only had to pay 10k for it. Not many 18 years olds can say they own their own home. I saved and only had to fianance 2k on it. We don't have enough room now but no payments which is nice while he is the only wage earner, but what kills me is he won't do anything around here, we had a roof leak and I had to threaten him to get him to fix it, I do all the cleaning and household stuff like bill paying all because he now hates the house. But in a few years we could have everything we want, other than his boat and a house I want a newer car and to be able to bowl pro circuit other than that we really don't want much for material things, we have most of what we want now, we are very comfortable now, because of the no house payment and we paid both cars off.

 

Thank you for your opinion it's what I was thinking. I wanted to make sure thats what it looks like from the outside also. He is a good man, never yells or gets upset if I make a mistake, we don't fight much anymore, but that could be lack of communication all together. He doesn't drink or do drugs no does he "party". He's very stable and I do love him but I think we have changed quite a bit in the past few years.

[SnapCracklePop]

This really does not sound like an issue of "Husband is no longer attacted to me".... but more of a difference in ideas of lifestyle.

 

I will say though that anyone's hobbies should not be pursued to the point where they neglect their partner. If you feel there is a risk of this, you should discuss this with him.

 

Just to touch on your respective careers - we are way past the 50s and 60s where the man was the breadwinner in the home. Both parties need to feel like you are accomplishing something with your individual lives. But, if one of you takes a job in a location where the other has no hope of finding work will only replace one problem with another. Money is nice but it is not everything. However, if your partner can find work in the other location, the personal and financial benefits of such a move are hard to ignore.

[Aprille]

Sometimes I feel like it's a parent child relationship.

 

He did not have a GED or HS diploma when he started cat he was lucky a year later a GED or HS is required. He went back and got his GED. He doesn't want to move because he won't find a job making the money he makes with a GED. I have tried to get him to go back to college via distance ed, thats how I go to school, if only for him to get a general education associates degree.

 

I really don't know what to do. At times I think I want to leave him and at times I don't.

 

Don't get me wrong I want him to have his hobby and for me to have mine, if we were together all the time we would kill each other. Whats so screwed up about this is I REALLY want him to have the boat. I would give him the world if I could. In the beginning of our relationship he was there for me emotionally and financially. My father left me with bills he ran up in my name to "establish credit". I was an emotional basket case. (might still be and just don't know it)

 

I am looking to talk this through with the members of this board. This is the first board I have seen where you didn't get smart ass remarks and such. Everyone is generally trying to help each other. I can't really afford counseling right now as my copay is $50 each time I go.

 

Am I being selfish to want what I want. I want a man who is my lover and makes me feel wanted, I want a career and a title, I want to be better than all of the other jerks in my family. I want my husband to go with me because he loves me and supports me and has faith that I can make the right decisions?

[carhill]

Classic gender reversal.

 

I will opine relationship of convenience. I think, if you both honestly clarified your perspectives, you would no longer be married.

 

I'm not seeing much love here. You know, my wife said the same thing (I still love him) in MC. The psychologist is helping her clarify whether that's as a friend or husband. I already know the answer but hope she will see it for herself. I wish that for you as well.

[SnapCracklePop]

Am I being selfish to want what I want. I want a man who is my lover and makes me feel wanted, I want a career and a title, I want to be better than all of the other jerks in my family. I want my husband to go with me because he loves me and supports me and has faith that I can make the right decisions?

 

 

Well... if you want the career because it will be better for both of you (more money, more satisfaction for both, both of you have more ability to live a better life), and if you are willing to support him as he finds a career he is happy with... if you really do love him and you want to be closer and more connected with him, and you want to support him in letting him have his hobbies, and you want him to support you in your hobbies... then your not really being selfish in my opinion... you are presenting an opportunity that could make things better for both of you - but you really can't say he has to do this, or you will leave. You do need to sell the idea in a positive way.

 

If you do make the suggestion, and you get stonewalled every which way - then you have some real decisions to make about what is more important, and how much value is left in your marriage.

 

I would guess that the "ultimatums" that each of you gave the other has raised a few eyebrows here - it is hard to "see the love" when it seems to have resulted from threatening to end it if the other does not comply. But, it has resulted in a 15 year relationship and that fact cannot be ignored.

[carhill]

I can't really afford counseling right now as my copay is $50 each time I go.

 

We're both self-employed, my business has struggled the last couple years, our sessions run 100.00 each (contracted rate for a psychologist) and I've paid for most of them (6 months worth) out of my SEP (retirement). Is your marriage a priority? If it is, you'll find a way. Even if we divorce and my net worth takes a hit, I'll forever thank my wife for getting me to MC. It has been worth every last dollar spent.

[Aprille]

I went to counseling and it helped me understand what I want in life, but with out him going I felt I kept hitting a brick wall.

 

Okay let me explain the only ultimatium ever made in the relationship.

 

We got together when we were teenagers, I had financial difficulties and thought I was going to have to move back in with mom who lived 6 states away. He wanted to give me a promise ring and we picked out a diamond, instead of a promise ring he asked me to marry him on christmas eve. Really suprised me, I tried even harder and found a way to stay and struggled for the first few years. After a year of engagement he blurted out to me (out of no where) that I pressured him into marriage. I thought to myself OMG. I apologized and gave him the ring back. I told him I would not keep a ring he didn't want to give. The promise ring was his idea and I never mentioned marriage at the time I was 19ish or so. This takes care of the first 3 years of our relationship.

 

We moved in together our 4th year, he had parental issues and was an only child and spoiled by all sides of the family. I tried to give him time to grow up. The first night we moved in together he got upset and went back to his Mom's. Okay so this should have really give me some insight at the time, but I was only 21 at the time and wanted my relationship to work no matter what. we lived together for 3 more years and when I would ask him about marriage he said he wanted to get married but would never asked me. I wasn't sure what to think. I got conflicting answers. We went to the beach together and he told his step-mom he was going to propose and of course she told me. We were there for 3 days and no proposal. I asked him about it and he said he got nervous and there was never the right moment. Three weeks later he was leaving for 4 days to go fishing. I was already upset and brooding, by this time we had been together for 7 years. I told him he either set a date or I would not be there when he got home. I called my mom and told her that with in the hour she would either be planning on comming here for my wedding or I would be packing up and heading her way. I really didn't want to do it this way but I was tired of the wishy washiness. I made it very clear to him, choose what you want, think very hard about this, did he want me in his future as his wife and why he was so reluctant to get married.

 

Well he set a date and I even gave up on my white wedding, he said he didn't want to get married because he didn't want a big to-do and have to get up in front of a bunch of people. So I give in and we went to the courthouse and got married with my best friend and his mom as witnesses. Durring the two weeks prior to this I asked him to think about this, I wanted to be his wife and him to be my husband, but he needed to be 100% sure. As we got closer to the date, he got excited about it. On our honeymoon (at the beach) he told me he doesn't know why he was so worried about getting married and thanked me for pushing the issue and not just leaving him. At the time it seemed everything worked out wonderfully. This is the story of our entire relationship, he's reluctant to do something until I start doing it and then he joins in, he never wanted to go to a concert, I won tickets and I had no one to go with me, he bemoaned about going all week and when we got there he had a blast and even danced with me.

 

We now have been married for 9 years this Novemember and it started about 3 years ago with him not being affectionate and not doing anything around the house. he was all for me going back to school and would gladly move to the coast of NC (we currently reside in the middle of the state) and I could support him. But this was the ONLY way he'd ever leave here. I'd have no problem supporting him while he found what ever it was that would make him happy. But this was the only way he would move, if it would please him. We are only in our 30's so I still have to pay my dues to my field of work since I am just getting into the field. If my assignment sends me to the pentagon for 3 years I have to go or pay back over 100k in education loans and stipends that were provided to me.

 

He doesn't want to talk about it with me, he keeps telling me we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

 

After all this typing it out and thinking about it, it's becomming clearer. I think we love each other but grew up and apart. Well I grew up and he still wants someone else to take care of all the responsibility.

[carhill]

Interesting how journaling on LS clarifies things, eh?

[Tripper]

I really don't know what to do. At times I think I want to leave him and at times I don't.

 

 

Am I being selfish to want what I want. I want a man who is my lover and makes me feel wanted, I want a career and a title, I want to be better than all of the other jerks in my family. I want my husband to go with me because he loves me and supports me and has faith that I can make the right decisions?

 

A it sounds like you are at a crossroad in life. And you have to decide which way to go.

Are you being selfish?? Dunno.. you can want and want and want but to actually get it?? At what cost? And what price is too dear to pay??

 

Are you prepared to dissolve a 15 year relationship to get the career and title?? Is that an acceptable cost??

 

It's a pity that your H doesn't see that by sacrificing a few years and allowing you to get established in a career, the future could be better financially. However the issue of moving / not moving sounds like the deal breaker for him.