Rooster_DAR Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 I've been asking myself this question for years, but my best guess is for the most part it does not. I have deduced for myself we can respond to people in affairs in an intelligent manner till the cows come home, but from what I've learned about affairs there is no voice in the world that can change their course. I'm sure there may be a small percentage that can gain their senses, but I've yet to to see it. It's fascinating how powerful attraction can be, it's almost an uncontrollable human characteristic. some of the recent threads I've responded to I am attempting to be positive and offer some good advice, but deep down I know that there is usually nothing that can be done. Cheers!
angie2443 Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 I've been asking myself this question for years, but my best guess is for the most part it does not. I have deduced for myself we can respond to people in affairs in an intelligent manner till the cows come home, but from what I've learned about affairs there is no voice in the world that can change their course. I'm sure there may be a small percentage that can gain their senses, but I've yet to to see it. It's fascinating how powerful attraction can be, it's almost an uncontrollable human characteristic. some of the recent threads I've responded to I am attempting to be positive and offer some good advice, but deep down I know that there is usually nothing that can be done. Cheers! I think we can make a differance, but not to the cheaters. I think the people we can help, are the people who are bieng cheated on, especially the young ones who are just starting out and have nothing to hold them to the cheater. I'm not good at giving advice yet, but I've learned much from my experience. I've learned that certain personality traits can predict who will be more likely to cheat and be cheated on. If I can help at least one person gain confidance and learn how to stear clear of people with the "cheating personality", then I've made a differance. I hope I'm able to do that. P.S. I'm not saying that all cheaters have the same personality, just that many do.
Trialbyfire Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 Y'know Rooster, I don't think you can change someone's core values, in a single thread. It doesn't mean you can't help them think about their actions. The vast majority of cheaters and OW/OM, you're not going to impact on, because they're hell bent on being the center of the universe/selfish people. But...if you manage to sway 1/10,000, of which this person sits on the edge of crisis, towards less of a devastating course of action, whether this means MC or leaving the marriage, there's potentially 10 other people, within their sphere of influence, who won't get emotionally torn apart. 'Tis my 2 cents, for whatever it's worth...probably nothing...
SueBee3490 Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 I think we can make a differance, but not to the cheaters. I think the people we can help, are the people who are bieng cheated on, especially the young ones who are just starting out and have nothing to hold them to the cheater. I'm not good at giving advice yet, but I've learned much from my experience. I've learned that certain personality traits can predict who will be more likely to cheat and be cheated on. If I can help at least one person gain confidance and learn how to stear clear of people with the "cheating personality", then I've made a differance. I hope I'm able to do that. P.S. I'm not saying that all cheaters have the same personality, just that many do. I held the belief (before being cheated on) that there must be something wrong with the person being cheated on or else the cheater wouldn't cheat. I was sure I wasn't good enough (whether it was looks, smarts, socially, etc.) because if I had high self esteem I wouldn't put up with this crap. I put myself down so much trying to come up with a logical answer as to why he cheated. My self esteem was in the gutter. When I went to a counselor because of all his crap and she dug into my life, she mentioned it seemed that I was willing to accept less than what I deserved, I broke down and cried. she said we hit a nerve she was right. I think people with low self esteem seem to pick people which are not good for them. I don't know how to say this, but I tended to get men who were not necessarily cheaters, but were not "good" in other areas. My XH was a gambler and drinker. A guy I dated a while didn't have very good hygiene (as far as bathing and brushing his teeth) whereas I bathe everyday. Another example is I was an A-B student in school, on High honors, National Honor Society, etc. in high school and college but i picked men who basically flunked out of high school or college. I think this all points to low self esteem. I really don't even know if this learned condition can be undone because as in my case, even though I think I deserve better, I generally still do not look for better. I may say to alot of posters here, "you deserve better" but I'm not practicing what I'm preaching. A funny kinf of flip of the coin here is that my current H (who cheated on me while we were bf/gf) once said to me that he thought I was "too good" for him. I never thought that people who do the cheating as having low self-esteem, it always seemed to me they must have high self-esteem to think they are "entitled" to carry on many relationships at the same time, as though they somehow deserve it. But since i've never cheated, I still don't understand their reasoning. It seems the ones that come here posting before they do the cheating, seem set on their course of following through. Or if they are already cheating, many seem to not want to give up the OM/OW. I've seen post after post to them trying to talk them out of it, but as you said Rooster, attraction is a powerful force. As with me who was cheated on, I appreciate posters telling me it's his fault and not mine but did it really help? I don't know - I think sometimes it's just time that heals all wounds.
serendip Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 I've learned much from my experience. I've learned that certain personality traits can predict who will be more likely to cheat and be cheated on. I'm just curious to what kind of personality traits are cheaters? My ex cheated on me and I'm still feeling the hurt from that. I've never been cheated on before...and I never thought it would be this ex that would cheat on me. I know cheating comes down to 2 basic things...selfishness and weakness of character issues I thought my ex was all about being good...she's a healer(naturopath) of sorts. She could be selfish(product of only child) sometimes...but I could never imagine...enough to cheat. I've asked her several times why she did it...to this day...she still doesn't know why Also what kind of personality types are susceptible to be cheated on?
Author Rooster_DAR Posted April 3, 2008 Author Posted April 3, 2008 I'm am really leaning to the premise that even people that are good will cheat, depending on the circumstances involved. For example, my EX love to watch the show "Cheaters", and she always proclaimed how cheaters were losers and she could not understand how anyone could do it. Well, she turned around and fell victim to it, although I know she struggled between me and the O/M, I saw her life fall apart as well. This tells me that that attraction and the chemistry that draws pairing is a much more profound force than we can imagine. I'm not saying it's right, I'm just stating something that I've observed. Cheers!
angie2443 Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 I'm just curious to what kind of personality traits are cheaters? I know cheating comes down to 2 basic things...selfishness and weakness of character issues Also what kind of personality types are susceptible to be cheated on? First, the obvious. People who are addicted to something or are abusive are more likely to cheat. They are showing that they can't/won't control their actions or feelings and, in the case of abuse, are showing they have little or no regard for the abused person's well bieng. People who are mentally unstable (for instance, bi-polar) are more likely to cheat. I hate to say this, because I know a couple of such people and they are intelligent, caring, good people. They just can't stay in a relationship. Having said this though, a person who has a mental illness but keeps it under control, can absolutely be in a healthy relationship. People who have few bounderies for their relationship are more likely to cheat. For instance, people who share their intimant secrets and problems within their relationships with a person they could become physical with, are more likely to cheat. By confiding in such a person, they are opening up a door with that person. They may not go through that door, but the door is opened none the less. People who feel more "privaliged" than other members of the population and have a "my way or the high way" type of mentality are more likely to cheat. People who are emotionally imature and/or don't know how to deal with a problem in a relationship head on and find it easiar to take the problem to people outside the relationship are more likely to cheat. People who lack self-esteem are more likely to cheat or be cheated on. Also, People who have a parent who cheated on another parent are more likely to cheat or be cheated on. I think this is because the child learns how to run a relationship and how treat or be treated by their partner, by the way their parents interacted with each other. Sometimes, it's hard to break a cycle. I do think their is a sad tendancy for certain people to attract abusive people and be attracted to people who have abusive tendancies. It's like the bullies at school and the kids they pick on. Somehow, the bullies know which kids to go for. I did want to say that I don't think that all people who cheat or are cheated on are like this. Sometimes, two confidant, stable people can end up in a bad situation and one will cheat. I think in these cases, the relationship has a better chance of bieng repaired.
Trialbyfire Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 I'm am really leaning to the premise that even people that are good will cheat, depending on the circumstances involved. For example, my EX love to watch the show "Cheaters", and she always proclaimed how cheaters were losers and she could not understand how anyone could do it. Well, she turned around and fell victim to it, although I know she struggled between me and the O/M, I saw her life fall apart as well. This tells me that that attraction and the chemistry that draws pairing is a much more profound force than we can imagine. I'm not saying it's right, I'm just stating something that I've observed. Cheers! In this I have to disagree with you. I feel like a broken record sometimes but since I have you as my captive audience...tough... Cheating is a conscious act of moving over the line between good person and selfish person. Once you cross that line, you're trapped there by your actions, until you once again, make a conscious choice to gravitate back towards being less narcissistic aka selfish. While attraction and chemistry is at the instinctual level, are we animals that we must lose control? Not everyone has difficulty combatting attraction and chemistry, if it's blatantly obvious that the end doesn't justify the means. I think, therefore, I am...premise...
serendip Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 People who have few bounderies for their relationship are more likely to cheat. For instance, people who share their intimant secrets and problems within their relationships with a person they could become physical with, are more likely to cheat. By confiding in such a person, they are opening up a door with that person. They may not go through that door, but the door is opened none the less. People who are emotionally imature and/or don't know how to deal with a problem in a relationship head on and find it easiar to take the problem to people outside the relationship are more likely to cheat. She did that with a guy she met in a hostel (she wanted to move out west) and instead of talking to me about it...she would talk about our problems with her friends instead of me to me she would say how she loved me so much and initiate talk about marriage....how she felt she didn't deserve me some days
Author Rooster_DAR Posted April 4, 2008 Author Posted April 4, 2008 In this I have to disagree with you. I feel like a broken record sometimes but since I have you as my captive audience...tough... Cheating is a conscious act of moving over the line between good person and selfish person. Once you cross that line, you're trapped there by your actions, until you once again, make a conscious choice to gravitate back towards being less narcissistic aka selfish. While attraction and chemistry is at the instinctual level, are we animals that we must lose control? Not everyone has difficulty combatting attraction and chemistry, if it's blatantly obvious that the end doesn't justify the means. I think, therefore, I am...premise... I agree with much of what you say, but cheating is not discriminating. I guess what I'm trying to iterate is that it can happen to anybody, whether it be by a conscious decision or primal instinct.
Trialbyfire Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 I agree with much of what you say, but cheating is not discriminating. I guess what I'm trying to iterate is that it can happen to anybody, whether it be by a conscious decision or primal instinct. Nope. It will never happen to me. Primal instinct can be trumped, sometimes easily, sometimes with difficulty but sure as...the sky is blue...it can be trumped. Hell, I can even bring down my body temperature by thinking about it.
Lizzie60 Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 No I don,t think you can make anyone's change their minds. I see that like smoking... or drugs.. you can say to teens not to start smoking or take drugs or what not.. but it won't do anything.. they will still try it.. just to see by themselves, what it taste like.. Same with A.. you can tell people how bad it is.. blablabla, they will still try it..attraction is stronger than any advices.. Human beings have to do their own experiments.. good or bad.. they have to learn by themselves how it feels..
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