Lbgem Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 Hi, I wanted to get some honest good advice from anyone that can comment on this situation: A good friend of mine is currently having an affair with a MW - he says she is separated from her husband and that she was in an unhappy marriage. I know the woman he is having an affair with as well as her husband (they also have kids), and to be completely honest I just never really got along well with her. Her husband seemed like a great guy however - but they are both more acquaintances than anything else. My good friend started talking (& seeing) more and more of this MW, which I didn't agree with, but we agreed to disagree. He assured me I didn't have anything to worry about, but now they are dating. The husband is (rightly) furious and angry at both of them, as are lots of their friends and family. My question - how can I convince my friend to drop the MW? I just don't see this turning out well and I am *very* against cheating especially when their are kids involved. I sense that arguing with him will only cause him to become defensive and ignore anything I have to say - on the other hand, my faith in the goodness of his character has been a little shaken. I'm beginning to wonder if good people make mistakes and cheat, or he is not as good of a person as I thought he was. I would feel a great loss if I had to end the friendship because I don't agree with this choice. Thoughts?
Rooster_DAR Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 This is really sad to hear, but it happens all the time. I think at best you can offer some advice to your friend, but don't expect him to respond to it. I've lived long enough to know that these things happen, it's very common. When people fall for someone regardless of their status, their emotions will almost alway outweigh any intelligent reasoning. I lost both my wife and my last fiance to the same thing, it's very damaging to everyone, especially the spouse involved. The married woman will probably make her husband out to be a real creep, when many times it's completely conjured up as a way to justify their actions. I wish I could offer you some way to help thwart their affair, but unfortunately it will probably have to run it's course. I think anyone can cheat, whether they are good or bad, the emotion/chemical elements that drive pairing are very strong. Some people are stronger than others, they are the people we deem with high integrity, but they too are vulnerable to cheating just like anyone else. Hope things work out with your friend. Cheers!
luvstarved Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 Welllllll....they ARE separated and the H does know about it, it is out in the open, so it is not that much of a cheat. Sure they are technically not divorced and I don't know if they intend to be, and your friend is probably not looking at a happy LTR... But...he has to do his own living and learning, you can't do that for him. You can give your honest opinion when it is solicited and try to be supportive when things go badly, but that is about it. You are, of course, also free to end the friendship if you feel that you cannot associate with someone who exhibits the behavior he is exhibiting. That is also perfectly valid.
Author Lbgem Posted April 3, 2008 Author Posted April 3, 2008 This is really sad to hear, but it happens all the time. I think at best you can offer some advice to your friend, but don't expect him to respond to it. I've lived long enough to know that these things happen, it's very common. When people fall for someone regardless of their status, their emotions will almost alway outweigh any intelligent reasoning. I lost both my wife and my last fiance to the same thing, it's very damaging to everyone, especially the spouse involved. The married woman will probably make her husband out to be a real creep, when many times it's completely conjured up as a way to justify their actions. I wish I could offer you some way to help thwart their affair, but unfortunately it will probably have to run it's course. I think anyone can cheat, whether they are good or bad, the emotion/chemical elements that drive pairing are very strong. Some people are stronger than others, they are the people we deem with high integrity, but they too are vulnerable to cheating just like anyone else. Hope things work out with your friend. Cheers! Thanks for the input. I was afraid I would get this kind of feedback - it's like watching a train wreck in action but I want to do something to prevent it. The MW actually did tell my friend she was in an unhappy marriage, which I find a little hard to believe. Her husband worked full time, came home cooked dinner, and took care of the kids, while she did her own thing most of the time. Obviously I don't know everything about the marriage, but it especially irritates me because this is exactly the sort of line (my spouse/significant other treated me terribly; I was unhappy, etc) that my dad said to my mom about his first wife (my parents are now divorced after my dad cheated on my mom several times). And somehow this justifies the relationship for my friend (it's okay because she was in an unhappy marriage and I am making her happy now). I just wish there was some way I could knock some sense into him. Even if she ends up divorcing her husband and marrying my friend...what's to prevent her from cheating on him too? I am sorry to hear you lost your wife and ex-fiancee this way. It had to have been hard to have it happen once, let alone twice.
Author Lbgem Posted April 3, 2008 Author Posted April 3, 2008 Welllllll....they ARE separated and the H does know about it, it is out in the open, so it is not that much of a cheat. Sure they are technically not divorced and I don't know if they intend to be, and your friend is probably not looking at a happy LTR... But...he has to do his own living and learning, you can't do that for him. You can give your honest opinion when it is solicited and try to be supportive when things go badly, but that is about it. You are, of course, also free to end the friendship if you feel that you cannot associate with someone who exhibits the behavior he is exhibiting. That is also perfectly valid. I'd also add here that they were seeing each other as 'friends' before the MW and husband separated. If they weren't physically cheating, it was definitely emotional cheating as they were visiting each other constantly (it is a few hours driving from different cities)...which just seems a little odd to me for a MW to be visiting a guy friend every weekend or so (and vice versa). I think my friend believes that she is the woman for him, and they will end up getting married and living happily ever after. He is conveniently ignoring the fact the MW & husband separated due to his relationship with the MW. My friend knew from the beginning that I didn't like this woman, and so he feels I am biased against her. I doubt he will be asking for my honest feedback any time soon. I do appreciate your input - I just wish there were some magic words or some perfect phrase or anything that would get him to end the relationship - so she can work on her marriage, and he wouldn't be the person that interferes with it. I will probably have to think long and hard on this to decide about the friendship. My dad cheated on my mom so it is very difficult for me to find any sympathy for my friend who is causing the kids and the husband lots of anguish and grief.
whichwayisup Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 I would back off this friend and be there for him in the future when this comes tumbling down...And it will, it's only a matter of time. People shouldn't jump out of a marriage and right into another full blown relationship, this woman still has a husband, though separated and has alot of baggage - Yet it seems that reality hasn't hit them yet, they're in affairyland where everything seems perfect. Right now they're in a fog and can only think of themselves, they're not thinking of the kids, and how this is going to affect them in the future. What a mess..
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