Princess10 Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 (edited) I just currently got out of a relationship with a married man who's 10 yrs older than me. When I met him he told me he had been separated for 6 months, so I continued to get to know him. I told myself that I would not get feelings involved because he was still under wedlock and I knew it was always the possibility of them getting back, although he swore me up and down things were too bad. Anways things began to get more serious with us and one night he spent the night out with me and his wife called his cell phone repeatedly. I woke him and asked why would she call at 5 in the morning like that if they were not together. He lied and when we finally awoke he still lied until I would not give up letting him know I knew the truth. It was so hurtful because I had just been intimate with him for the first time. He begged me not to leave him and that he only lied to me because he did not want me to leave and that things were bad at home and he was going to be with me. He stood me up the very next day for a date and all the pain and anger built up and I called his wife. I remembered his wife's phone number from his phone and I called her and told her damn near everything because I wanted it to be over. It had only been a month but I was beginning to have feelings. He still called me upset but called me the moment she let him know she knew and after she left. She left took their 2 kids and left for a few days and came back. After that we were parting our ways but somehow the relationship blossomed again. I tried to give it hope because he pretended to be so unhappy in his marriage and I am away in college and I felt that I could stay and we'd get together when I finished college in a few months which is when he said he'll leave. He let me know lots of their personal business and even where they lived. I knew that I would never want to be in her position and had nothing against her but my feelings took over and I just wanted to be happy. Over the next 2 months he called less and became inconsistent but insisted on being with me and wanting me to be only with him. I began to love him (or really like him) but I had made up in my mind it'll never work by those actions and that he had to call me blocked because she checks the phone records. I wanted to get revenge before I left so I decided to lie and say that I was pregnant but I was getting an abortion. He was so upset and he told me that if I got the abortion that he wouldn't talk to me again. Telling me that if I had it he would take care of us and that he was going to leave. He even told me he loved me. I was befuddled. I didn't tell him back nor did I really believe him. Then he had the nerve to get mad and dump me when he saw a text message from another guy asking me could we go out to lunch. He ended up telling his wife and she called me upset asking me what I was going to do and I told her an abortion. As you know they are still together. It has been 3 wks and we havent talked. What bothers me the most is that he has no career and gets money the fast way and thats a man I don't want but fell for. I keep thinking about whether he was lying or not even though his lifestyle or his marital status is not a good fit. I began to settle for less. I think many women fall for married and/or no good men because they have low self esteem or are lonely. I think that was my case because I know I'm the ideal woman for a man but I'm not seeming to attract anyone. I began to feel lonely and he filled that void but instead of being patient for that someone I only hurt myself. But the best thing is to take it as a lesson learned and have no regrets. I know I'm not the first, only or last woman he will cheat with. P.S. To all the married women out there the OW isn't always the enemy, she is sometimes the victim also of a no good man. Edited April 3, 2008 by Princess10
Rooster_DAR Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 Very true, but the difference is the integrity you hold. It's very easy to fall for nearly anybody, but it's decisions you make that inevitable weight your integrity. Attraction is something that is so powerful, most people are willing to overlook any wrongs that threaten that attraction.
annieo Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 I agree with you, you are not the enemy of his wife, he is. And he is also YOUR enemy, whether or not you realize this, in your current new-love fog. Get out while you can, and then you aren't the bad guy. If you stay with him, knowing what you know about him (and her) then you become complicit in his selfish game. Who do you want to be? A good person who got (somewhat) duped, or a person with little or no self-esteem, who enabled a jerk to screw up his marriage? And who, in time, will probably get screwed over herself, by this same jerk. Sounds like decision-making time to me.
HeavenScent Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 Sorry but what you did was immature. For most part, I do think you meant to wreck their marriage.
BentSpine Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 Princess, when you lied about being pregnant despite knowing that you really weren't, that was not your finest hour. You have a life lesson to learn, just as I do. Yours involves cutting your losses and removing yourself from an undesireable situation without resorting to revenge. What mine life lesson is, I'm not sure. But I'm beginning to have a hunch what it could be.
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 You may have been the initial victim of a liar who conned you into thinking he was 'separated', but the second you knew he was married you could have walked away and not looked back. If you had, you may have come off as more believable when you said you weren't trying to wreck their marriage.
Woggle Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 OW aren't homewreckers because nobody puts a gun to a man's head and makes him cheat. That being said they should think before they get involved with a married man because if he lies to his wife he will certainly lie to his mistress. They have to accept a large part of the blame for the situation they find themselves in.
Owl Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 Princess10, your biggest mistake was in not setting boundaries once you knew that he was still married...you should have ended it with him completely when you found out he was still married, and made it clear that the ONLY time you'd pursue a relationship with him was once he produce final divorce papers. Continuing anything after that is why you're catching some flack here. You might not have intended harm...but you did inflict it when you continued with the relationship knowing he was married. Compound that with the lies about pregnancy and abortion... His wife was indeed the victim of a no-good man. And hopefully she'll see that and move on or take action to fix the situation. But regardless, that doesn't change your choice to remain involved with him.
JamesM Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 I am going to say that I almost agree completely with how you handled it. While I don't think it is good to lie, he deserved the bit about you being pregnant.
Owl Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 He really deserves to be run over by a beer truck...but I won't encourage the OP to drive it.
Mrmojorisin Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 So let me get this straight, you say you are not intent on wrecking his marriage, right? You idea was to compound his lie with one of your own. I don't think you realize that when you lied about the pregnancy you devastated his wife.. So much for not being the enemy. Trust me that is how you deserve to be seen.
Author Princess10 Posted April 3, 2008 Author Posted April 3, 2008 I know that lying about pregnancy was a bad thing for revenge but its done and I'd never do it again. However, I never intended on him telling his wife. I told him to keep it between us and we'd handle the situation. I think he thought that if he told her I'd keep it and he was ready for however she wanted to handle it.
Trialbyfire Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 P.S. To all the married women out there the OW isn't always the enemy, she is sometimes the victim also of a no good man. I agree that some MM can keep up the lying facade through adeptness with deception. While there are women who are victims of deception, to begin with, who do you place the burden of responsibility on, when remaining in an affair, even when you know about the deception? Everyone has a choice in life. Stay or go. I can respect people who don't put up with deception and immediately choose to go.
whichwayisup Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 P.S. To all the married women out there the OW isn't always the enemy, she is sometimes the victim also of a no good man. A victim by choice. You believed a MM who constantly lied to his wife yet somehow you chose to believe him and probably didn't listen to your gut, you listened to your heart. Please seek some counselling to help you get stronger and gain confidence so this never happens again. Don't EVER settle for less, even if you really like the guy - Especially if he is married, run the other way.
target-d Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 After that we were parting our ways but somehow the relationship blossomed again. my feelings took over and I just wanted to be happy.. You had a choice. You chose to have an affair with a man who you KNEW was married. After all, by this time you had spoken to his wife. The man was a jerk. You were guilty too. You may not have started out wanting to mess up his marriage, but when you decided to keep having a "relationship" with him after you knew he was married you became equally guilty.
GreenEyedLady Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 P.S. To all the married women out there the OW isn't always the enemy, she is sometimes the victim also of a no good man. I think you would find the support you need in the OW forum... In this forum you're going to get mostly I told you so's and why didn't you's...
NoIDidn't Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 I think you should have told the W that the pregnancy story was a lie. She'd still be hurt, but at least she'd be able to feel like he was a bigger fool than she'd been made to feel like. I too wonder why you stayed with him because you "just wanted to be happy". though. That really takes away from the claim that you didn't mean their M any harm. You had the option to walk away completely, but you didn't. Whether one calls that a "why didn't you" or whatever doesn't change its validity.
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