dreamergrl Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 Bingo! If you are giving them bjs within the first two weeks, that is the same as having sex. There's your answer. Don't give up ANYTHING until you're boyfriend and girlfriend. Coming from the girl who had sex with her neighbor who's penis was 2 inches. Having oral sex is not the same has having sex. And it does NOT mean they will expect more. I wish it did in my case. The guy I'm seeing is quite content with just oral. After a month and a half may I add. And we haven't had the exclusive talk either. Some may look at it as, "What if we become exclusive and there's no chemistry under the sheets?" Some men are going to post on here saying "Give it up, otherwise we'll go." Well, they are interested in sex only and don't even understand what an emotional and intellectual connection with a man IS. (Refer to The Fonz's thread "Women, what do you think of what I do?" where he breaks down a good relationship as a woman who gives him sex on command. He places men at the very bottom of the evolutionary process, seeing sex as the only value of the female species. No some men (and women) have a high sex drive. Some want that in a relationship - including myself, and I'm not a man (I've had past exes express to me that I wanted sex more often then they did, and it had nothing to do with me being bad). I most certainly could not wait up to 5 months to have this in a relationship, it would drive me mad. Some people are just more sexual then others. With that said, OP there's nothing wrong with you not wanting sex yet - but it's valid for some to want that. It really depends on the two people involved.
TheFonz Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 See dreamergrl, you realize that everything isn't black and white. And I knew you were a freak just how I like 'em j/k. PS. I wouldn't be happy with just BJs because I wouldn't feel like i was pleasing my girl enough.
dreamergrl Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 See dreamergrl, you realize that everything isn't black and white. And I knew you were a freak just how I like 'em j/k. PS. I wouldn't be happy with just BJs because I wouldn't feel like i was pleasing my girl enough. Well the favor gets returned - I'm just ready for more then what it is. I think sex is a healthy part of a relationship.
audrey_1 Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 Se, I told you so. And this time the guy didn't even have to make it happen directly. I am aware that the man may not make it happen but am not afraid to ask for what I want. My drive is high (for this man!), and my friend revealed this to me after I told her how he and I had sex on our first real date after not seeing each other for 15 years. I also had to have him. We laughed about it, because we're not usually so forward, but...
TheFonz Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 I am aware that the man may not make it happen but am not afraid to ask for what I want. My drive is high (for this man!), and my friend revealed this to me after I told her how he and I had sex on our first real date after not seeing each other for 15 years. I also had to have him. We laughed about it, because we're not usually so forward, but... So after you guys disagreed with me you all that time finally admit that i was right . We could've saved a lot of time if you would've just agreed with me in the first place .
dreamergrl Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 It's not hard to get' date=' it's about doing what feels right for you and establishing a relationship. Very few great relationships start out with sex, that is just a fact.[/quote'] Ummmm Okay I'm sorry but this annoys me. You posted about the neighbor - who isn't your bf, who you slept with, who had a small penis, and now you want to preach about relationships that start off with sex is bad. You had no problem with the fact that you slept with someone before being exclusive. You offered to go give him papers proving how you had no STDs.
TheFonz Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 Ummmm Okay I'm sorry but this annoys me. You posted about the neighbor - who isn't your bf, who you slept with, who had a small penis, and now you want to preach about relationships that start off with sex is bad. You had no problem with the fact that you slept with someone before being exclusive. You offered to go give him papers proving how you had no STDs. Don't you just love hypocrisy? OK I'm trying to stay out of any catfights. It's more fun to watch:laugh:.
audrey_1 Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 So after you guys disagreed with me you all that time finally admit that i was right . We could've saved a lot of time if you would've just agreed with me in the first place . About what? No thread jacking! Despite our having sex in the very beginning, we are both still genuinely nice people. We're in our 30s and knew we wanted each other. Having sex beginning, middle or end doesn't define who you are or where you're going in relationships between people who aren't players or jerks.
TheFonz Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 Having sex beginning, middle or end doesn't define who you are or where you're going in relationships between people who aren't players or jerks. This is what I've been trying to tell the OP and everyone else for so long. I want to make this my new signature .
TheFonz Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 OK I got my new signature but I didn't credit to you, because I didn't know if you minded be showing you're the one that had originally said it. So do you mine? See I'm not always a jerk .
audrey_1 Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 OK I got my new signature but I didn't credit to you, because I didn't know if you minded be showing you're the one that had originally said it. So do you mine? See I'm not always a jerk . Don't mind at all. Signature away!
TheFonz Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 Don't mind at all. Signature away! It's not showing up and I don't know why?
audrey_1 Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 It's not showing up and I don't know why? There's a quote button on the signature toolbar. Wrap it around the quoted text and see if that helps...
dreamergrl Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 Don't you just love hypocrisy? OK I'm trying to stay out of any catfights. It's more fun to watch:laugh:. Nooo it drives me nuts. How can you take a person's post seriously if it's contradicting to something they just posted a few days ago.
Author BannaBee57 Posted April 3, 2008 Author Posted April 3, 2008 Well, thanks everyone for your comments...even though I didn't really get much in the way of an answer. TheFonz, you suggest I start sleeping with these guys faster, but I don't think this will change the fact that they will end up diappearing anyway. Plus, I don't want them just staying around for sex. Like I said, I've tried this also and it didn't seem to work. As for the appearance comment, I don't think I have a problem in that department otherwise I wouldn't be attracting guys in the first place. There always seems to be a high level of mutual physical attraction in the first place and then poof, they're gone. I thought a lot about this over the past day and I think I might have to admit that I have been dating some emotionally unavailable men. The latest recently got divorced and a few of the others had gotten out of long term relationships in the past year or so. My problem is the fact that I believe them when they say they are OK and ready to see what happens with us. So, maybe I'm just picking the wrong men? My friend said I may be doing this on purpose because I know it won't lead anywhere and I'm actually the unavailable one. I don't know about that but I guess it's something to think about. I wish I had a button I could press that would keep me from having feelings until I'm sure it's ok, or to shut off feelings for that matter
Advocate's Devilette Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 Ummm, I am very sexual. Did I say anything about waiting five months? I just like to wait until I have an emotional connection and am exclusive. It doesn't make me less sexual than you. I actually feel that giving a BJ is the same as having sex. It is actually more intimate in many ways. It is not like making out. I don't do that until we are sexually intimate. Well the favor gets returned - I'm just ready for more then what it is. I think sex is a healthy part of a relationship.
dreamergrl Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 Ummm, I am very sexual. Did I say anything about waiting five months? I just like to wait until I have an emotional connection and am exclusive. It doesn't make me less sexual than you. I actually feel that giving a BJ is the same as having sex. It is actually more intimate in many ways. It is not like making out. I don't do that until we are sexually intimate. Did slept with your neighbor before becoming exclusive... so which is it that you do? OP stated a guy she dated disappeared after 5 months - and she hasn't slept with these guys she's been dating. Maybe you feel blow jobs are just as sex, but I bet a lot of guys don't view it that way. My point simply is that I think she is dating the men who want sex earlier on - they aren't getting what they need, there for they are disappearing. Now I wouldn't go as far as having sex with in the first few weeks, but I like for the sex to start after a month or so.
Crestfallen_KH Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 (edited) I thought a lot about this over the past day and I think I might have to admit that I have been dating some emotionally unavailable men. The latest recently got divorced and a few of the others had gotten out of long term relationships in the past year or so. My problem is the fact that I believe them when they say they are OK and ready to see what happens with us. Thats it. When I was separated and divorcing I sought out separated and divorced men because I felt they would understand my situation and we could possibly build a relationship slowly. But a lot of them weren't ready to even go that far. That's when I started realizing that maybe it was a way to keep myself "safe" to a degree - that if they rejected me, then it wouldn't hurt as bad since they were so messed up too. Male or female, someone who is emotionally unavailable isn't going to be able to connect to you the way you want. I'm currently going through that (on both sides) in my current relationship with...a divorced man. Also, regarding the sex thing - have sex when you're ready and only when you're ready, despite what anyone else may say otherwise. Edited April 4, 2008 by Crestfallen_KH typo
TheFonz Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 OP stated a guy she dated disappeared after 5 months - and she hasn't slept with these guys she's been dating. Maybe you feel blow jobs are just as sex, but I bet a lot of guys don't view it that way. My point simply is that I think she is dating the men who want sex earlier on - they aren't getting what they need, there for they are disappearing. Totally agree. And a BJ isn't exactly sex. But even if the guy only has a 2 incher and even if the girl doesn't feel anything, the other thing is sex. The OP even admitted she, "So, maybe I'm just picking the wrong men? My friend said I may be doing this on purpose because I know it won't lead anywhere and I'm actually the unavailable one. I don't know about that but I guess it's something to think about." She's not really wanting a relationship anyway. Now I wouldn't go as far as having sex with in the first few weeks, but I like for the sex to start after a month or so. This is too long .
Star Gazer Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 Hmm. So first I was going to applaud you for holding off on the sex, but then you threw the BJ thing into the mix. That changes things. If you're giving head before you've established a relationship, I think it has the same EFFECT as having sex before you've had a relationship. He's going to think, "If she'll put my d*ck in her mouth this easily, what else does she do this easily, and with who??" Ya know? The only way to know what they're looking for or even capable of (i.e., emotionally available) is to spend time getting to know them. That takes patience for both of you. I agree, there's a level of progression in sexual acts... but don't be sucking on c*cks as though they're blowpops, okay?
dreamergrl Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 Also, regarding the sex thing - have sex when you're ready and only when you're ready, despite what anyone else may say otherwise. Just to clear this up... no one had implied you should have sex before you are ready. It was just said that some people prefer sex earlier in relationships then others.
dreamergrl Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 This is too long . Crap, I gotta stop opening the door for you
Advocate's Devilette Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 Yeah, why do you keep bringing that up? You have ALL kinds of troubles with your man. He doesn't even want a relationship with you and you keep chasing. The sex you gave him isn't exactly bringing you closer to him, is it. I did make a mistake, I didn't really want to date the guy seriously though. So sue me. You are getting off on keeping bringing that incident up and rubbing it in my face when I am over it. You're the one still hung up on a guy who doesn't want you. You read wrong because OP said she did sleep with some of them, just didn't sleep with most of them right away, hon. Of course guys aren't going to say it's not the same as sex but it is a very sexual intimate act. Many are going to pressure for sexual release, it's the same release for them and yes, you are 'giving it up' to a guy if you're sucking his c**k. It's a very intimate act. Did slept with your neighbor before becoming exclusive... so which is it that you do? OP stated a guy she dated disappeared after 5 months - and she hasn't slept with these guys she's been dating. Maybe you feel blow jobs are just as sex, but I bet a lot of guys don't view it that way. My point simply is that I think she is dating the men who want sex earlier on - they aren't getting what they need, there for they are disappearing. Now I wouldn't go as far as having sex with in the first few weeks, but I like for the sex to start after a month or so.
Kamille Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 I thought a lot about this over the past day and I think I might have to admit that I have been dating some emotionally unavailable men. The latest recently got divorced and a few of the others had gotten out of long term relationships in the past year or so. My problem is the fact that I believe them when they say they are OK and ready to see what happens with us. So, maybe I'm just picking the wrong men? My friend said I may be doing this on purpose because I know it won't lead anywhere and I'm actually the unavailable one. I don't know about that but I guess it's something to think about. Well friends are usually the most perceptive about these things, so your friend is likely onto something. I've learned, the hard way, that usually, if a guy feels he needs to tell you he is ok about an ex and is ready to move on it means... He is trying to fool himself into thinking he is ready to move on. Can you think of any other red flags that you might have missed about these guys? Are there any reasons why you would want to stay unavailable? How long ago did your LTR end? I know that after I broke up with my ex, it took me awhile before I actually seem to attract the right kind of guys for me. But, it is a tough confusing dating world out there.
Author BannaBee57 Posted April 4, 2008 Author Posted April 4, 2008 Well, I can't really think of any other red fags...that's probably just the big one. It's been over 2 years since my last LTR of 2.5 years ended, so I really don't think I'm still having an issue with that. Not that I am defending myself or my actions but I do feel the need to point out a few things. I am 23 and have only had sex with 2 guys and given oral to a handfull of others, so I don't think I "suck on cock like its a lollypop" or whatever I usually wait a couple weeks before we do the oral thing and then wait a little while longer before the sex...the problem is it never seems to last that long. I'll admit there were a couple that I lost interest in as well. Also, I think I mentioned this before, but the 5 month long R with no sex was with a guy who had HPV and I was waiting on sex while getting the vaccine, which takes 6 months. I wasn't being a tease or anything. In the mean time he also disappeared. This one was probably the hardest on me because we were together for longer than the others. I prefer to just tell myself that he was bat sh*it crazy and it reflected nothing on me. The latest one is really hard for me because we've been kind of friends and have run in the same crowd for 4 years. In the first month he was saying and doing so many nice things, I'm talking saying "I miss you" frequently, making plans to hang out before the night of, telling me how much fun he was having. Saying he always had a thing for me. Buying me a flower when I had a rough weekend with the parents. He even said "don't find anyone better". I mean what the hell was I supposed to think!?! I'd be feeling way better about this if he had just said "Hey, I'm going through a lot of stuff right now and I think I need some space". Why do people lie like that? I understand that people go through emotional issues in their life and have to look out for numero uno, but why leave a path of distruction behind you like that. Does it really make them feel better about themselves in the end, or do they just not care? Can you tell I've reached a stage of anger?
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