BannaBee57 Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 OK. I seem to have this pattern going and I'm just good and sick of it at this point. I meet a guy, we go out a few times and talk frequently. We have a great time and I can tell they're interested in me (or at least I think they are). I try hold back on the feelings until I get to know them, but they seem so honest, sincere, and all around great. They express how much they like me, how much fun it is to hang out, how beautiful I am, plan dates in advance, call and text throughtout the day, blah blah blah. Then I start to like them, start to feel a little something for them, and then whammo! It's like a switch was flipped. They stop calling, texting, and asking to hang out. I mean, one night it's great and then next they are all distant. This has happened 4-5 times in a row now. I never get an explanation, they just dial back the amount of time we spend together until it's over. This period of lovelyness can last a while or a a very short time. I've had a whole 5 month "relationship" with a guy who literally up and disappeared over night and I've had a two week period that was great and then they flaked. I am between a few options. I don't have sex with them and they get bored (even though we do other things), I seem fun and exciting for a while and then the shine wears off and they are over it, or they are just guys and that's the name of the dating game. Is it the guys I choose? I've dated men anywhere from 21 to 34 over the past year, so I don't think it's an age thing. What are other's experiences? Is this just normal dating and I should get used to it? I guess what I'd like to know is how do people progress from dating to something more? I can't seem to let go of the fact that they will probably disappear at some point. In the back of my mind I'm always assuming that the previous time we talked will probably be the last. I know, neurotic right? I'm not a needy person and I don't think I give off that vibe at all. I rarely do the texting or calling, but I do give enough to let them know that I'm definitely interested. I play it cool and always try to make our time together fun and interesting without any pressure. I know you don't know me, but honestly what's the deal??
Crestfallen_KH Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 I can't seem to let go of the fact that they will probably disappear at some point. In the back of my mind I'm always assuming that the previous time we talked will probably be the last. I know, neurotic right? Do you think that you project this to them? Sometimes we create what we fear and maybe you are appearing too aloof or too distant. Also, it's perfectly reasonable not to have sex within two weeks, but if it wasn't happening in the longer-term relationships, maybe they felt you really weren't that interested? These are just ideas. Frankly, dating can be difficult and I don't think you're experiencing anything odd. Things can seem great in the beginning, but you're still in the "qualify or deny" stage when people are more sensitive to potential red flags or differences. I'm just recently back out there myself, so maybe the others who have been out here awhile can offer up some additional perspectives.
xpaperxcutx Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 I don't know, I was actually stood up recently back in Feb. I'm still trying to come up with a justification for the guy's behaviour.
Author BannaBee57 Posted April 3, 2008 Author Posted April 3, 2008 Thanks Crestfallen, No, I don't think I'm projecting this. Most of these guys say things like "It's so great to find someone that likes me and I like them. It's great that we can just have fun together without the drama" Stuff like that you know? But I do get the whole "self fulfilling proficy" thing. As for the sex, this latest one has been a month of dating. I was just getting to the point where I felt like I wanted to and then this happened. The five month one was because he has HPV. I was getting the vaccine which takes 6 months and waiting to see if the relationship would turn into more before I felt OK about putting my self at risk. Glad I didn't!! And another one, we did have sex early on and the he left town and never called when he returned. I learned from my mistake on that one. That's why I don't jump into the sex right off the bat. I feel it prevents me from getting to know the person. Thanks for your input. Anyone else?
lovestruck818 Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 guys are scared of commitment...trust me, it's not anything you did. And good on you for not having sex with them. I made my boyfriend wait til we were "official" to do the deed- ie. gf/bf...not just hook-up buddies. The best bet is to see what they are even looking for...sometimes they like you a lot, they just don't want a relationship, period...and then run when feelings get strong, so they can "let you down easy" so-to-speak. It's a jerky move, but such is life. Good luck.
Rex Man Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 It sounds like you just had a couple of bad breaks. The circumstances seem varied enough that there isn't something in particular, (unless you have more stories?). That said, if I was dating a women for over month with no intimacy, I'd probably get scarce as well.
Advocate's Devilette Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 You should definitely wait until you are boyfriend/girlfriend and have had the talk about being exclusively dating each other. If a guy won't stick around because you don't have sex after at least two weeks, that is all he was after anyway. As far as the rest, I don't know. I would try to be even more elusive. You can be friendly but not always available. try reading The Rules.
mortensorchid Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 The longer a woman puts off sex with a man is power in her corner. If he is bent out of shape that you are not giving it up, then he has the problem. He can go and find some trash someplace else, but you, being a classier woman, should be a goal he has to work for.
konfuzd Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 I went through a period of about 5 years and upwards of a dozen guys all treat me the same; constantly late, standing me up, and eventually just dissapearing. Guys who were making plans for months down the road would just vanish. I don't understand the logic, it doesn't make sense and totally sucks, but now that I'm in a great relationship, I look back in hindsight and am truly thankful to all of the deadbeat guys who taught me to have no expectations, and helped me to appriciate my bf more for all the little things he does for me. Hang in there ~ let these guys go and enter each new dating situation with the intent to just have fun. When you keep your expectations low, they're almost always met. Good Luck!
TheFonz Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 I think you are probably playing too hard to get and holding back on the sex. They either get tired of waiting, or are resentful of all the red tape they had to go through and conclude what they got wasn't worth all the hassle.
Author BannaBee57 Posted April 3, 2008 Author Posted April 3, 2008 I'm not playing any games with the sex thing. I just don't enjoy the act unless I'm with someone that I feel connected to. Why should I have sex just to keep a guy around? There is no red tape involved. I am fairly up front about the whole thing. Plus I give a pretty decent BJ (so I've been told) It's not like I tease them and then leave them with nothing for months on end. I'd say there is a normal progression of sexual acts, unless you're going at whore speed that is. As for lowering my expectations, I don't know that I could do that. I think it would signal that it is ok to treat me in such a flippant way. I'm not talking about occasional lateness or a broken date here and there. I'm talking about losing complete interest in a matter of days. So, I guess my options are to "be busy" more and be less available, have sex earlier, build a wall, or stop dating I don't think I can do any of these things. I'm just too sensitive I think.
TheFonz Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 I'm not playing any games with the sex thing. I just don't enjoy the act unless I'm with someone that I feel connected to. That's why a smart guy who's looking for a connection doesn't hang around for a girl that with holds sex. He knows she has no connection to him. Plus I give a pretty decent BJ (so I've been told) It's not like I tease them and then leave them with nothing for months on end. I'd say there is a normal progression of sexual acts, unless you're going at whore speed that is. That's what I like whore speed ahead . As for lowering my expectations, I don't know that I could do that. I think it would signal that it is ok to treat me in such a flippant way. I'm not talking about occasional lateness or a broken date here and there. I'm talking about losing complete interest in a matter of days. But girls always say the guy "lost interest", but do you ever try something different and contact him? So, I guess my options are to "be busy" more and be less available, have sex earlier, build a wall, or stop dating I don't think I can do any of these things. I'm just too sensitive I think. Well if you work on your appearance that does wonders and is a solution to most any problems with guys.
Advocate's Devilette Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 Bingo! If you are giving them bjs within the first two weeks, that is the same as having sex. There's your answer. Don't give up ANYTHING until you're boyfriend and girlfriend. Some men are going to post on here saying "Give it up, otherwise we'll go." Well, they are interested in sex only and don't even understand what an emotional and intellectual connection with a man IS. (Refer to The Fonz's thread "Women, what do you think of what I do?" where he breaks down a good relationship as a woman who gives him sex on command. He places men at the very bottom of the evolutionary process, seeing sex as the only value of the female species. I'm not playing any games with the sex thing. I just don't enjoy the act unless I'm with someone that I feel connected to. Why should I have sex just to keep a guy around? There is no red tape involved. I am fairly up front about the whole thing. Plus I give a pretty decent BJ (so I've been told) It's not like I tease them and then leave them with nothing for months on end. I'd say there is a normal progression of sexual acts, unless you're going at whore speed that is. As for lowering my expectations, I don't know that I could do that. I think it would signal that it is ok to treat me in such a flippant way. I'm not talking about occasional lateness or a broken date here and there. I'm talking about losing complete interest in a matter of days. So, I guess my options are to "be busy" more and be less available, have sex earlier, build a wall, or stop dating I don't think I can do any of these things. I'm just too sensitive I think.
lovestruck818 Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 You should definitely wait until you are boyfriend/girlfriend and have had the talk about being exclusively dating each other. If a guy won't stick around because you don't have sex after at least two weeks, that is all he was after anyway. As far as the rest, I don't know. I would try to be even more elusive. You can be friendly but not always available. try reading The Rules. yes- that was my thought exactly- if a guy wants to be with you for you, he will wait for the sex. You should be what he is most interested in.
TheFonz Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 (Refer to The Fonz's thread "Women' date=' what do you think of what I do?" where he breaks down a good relationship as a woman who gives him sex on command. He places men at the very bottom of the evolutionary process, seeing sex as the only value of the female species.[/quote'] No sex was a small part of it. It was about enjoying each other's company and harmony. You're the one making it all about sex, basically withhold it and that's the solution to everything. How about offering other things that attract the guy and sex is irrelevent? That's what my thread was about. You're just giving the same ole failed hard to get advice. So .
Advocate's Devilette Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 It's not hard to get, it's about doing what feels right for you and establishing a relationship. Very few great relationships start out with sex, that is just a fact.
TheFonz Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 It's not hard to get' date=' it's about doing what feels right for you and establishing a relationship. Very few great relationships start out with sex, that is just a fact.[/quote'] All my relationships started out with sex first. Anytime I was waiting or she was "making me wait" no sex or a relationship ever happened. So I don't know how much a fact it is .
Advocate's Devilette Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 All my relationships started out with sex first. Anytime I was waiting or she was "making me wait" no sex or a relationship ever happened. So I don't know how much a fact it is . Yup, and you're single.
sweetbutcheeky Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 BannaBee57 I don't have any advise but I know exactly how you feel. I have gone threw the same thing over and over. As soon as I start to like the guy that's when he starts to not call as much and then he is gone. I don't have sex or give bjs in the starting dating so I don't know what the problem is.
TheFonz Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 BannaBee57 I don't have sex or give bjs in the starting dating so I don't know what the problem is. That might be the problem .
TheFonz Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 oops, sweetbutcheeky, I confused you with the OP. But I think the message still applies to the OP.
audrey_1 Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 It's not hard to get' date=' it's about doing what feels right for you and establishing a relationship. Very few great relationships start out with sex, that is just a fact.[/quote'] One of my best friends just recently told me she and her now husband had sex on their first date. I was shocked! She seems sexually reserved, but she said she jumped his bones. She just had to have him! They're one of the coolest married couples I know.
Advocate's Devilette Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 One of my best friends just recently told me she and her now husband had sex on their first date. I was shocked! She seems sexually reserved, but she said she jumped his bones. She just had to have him! They're one of the coolest married couples I know. 1. They always seem "cool" to people on the outside. 2. You don't know how long it will last. 3. I did state it was an exception.
TheFonz Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 One of my best friends just recently told me she and her now husband had sex on their first date. I was shocked! She seems sexually reserved, but she said she jumped his bones. She just had to have him! They're one of the coolest married couples I know. Se, I told you so. And this time the guy didn't even have to make it happen directly.
Advocate's Devilette Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 Se, I told you so. And this time the guy didn't even have to make it happen directly. Yes, but you don't want a relationship, Fonz. You say you're a player.
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