Do 30 something men always shy away from women with children? What gives?

[D-Jam]

I'm not totally against dating a single mom, but I do have my own concerns and worries. I base them off the examples I've mostly seen over my life. Granted lately I have seen some women who are divorced, things didn't work out, and thus they are single but have children. Most of the examples though I have seen have been the burned out party girls who got knocked up by one or more douchebags they spread their legs for.

 

So here's my feelings on dating a single mom...

 

1. Did she reject me in the past to chase some jerk? Had five women like this come on to me in the last number of years. When I first met them years ago, I showed interest and tried to get with them...but they rejected/friendzoned me, mostly because they chased bad men. Now they come back years later with a kid, claiming how they always loved me and want to be with me now. In all reality, I knew better. I wouldn't give any girl who rejects me to chase jerks a second chance
   
2. Would she be interested in me if she did not have children? This goes back to all the examples I've seen over most of my life, as well as point #1. A lot of the single moms I've met were the types who originally chased bad men and would have rejected/friendzoned me in the past. As much as many of you might think this is silly, it's important to me that this woman is the kind of women who would have liked me no matter what state of her life she's in. I hear the "motherhood changes a person", but I more see it as if she needed to have a kid in order to see me as "worth being with", then she's not worth it to me.
   
3. Does she have her life in order? Basic and simple. Does she have a job? Is she financially taking care of herself? Is her head and heart in a good place, or is she carrying tons of baggage? Is the father of the kid or kids at peace with her and helping with the kids, as opposed to being a drama queen on her front door all the time? Basically, is her life around her going to be a liability and/or misery to my life? Meaning will dating her just bring me loads of drama?
   
4. Does she have time to be my girlfriend? It's the one thing some guys talk about here. Is she always so busy with work, kid stuff, household stuff, etc...that she can't see me even semi-regularly? Is every date more just hanging with her and the kid(s)? Is she able to go out alone without the children and leave them with a sitter? I know that when you date a single mom, it won't be as regular and normal as dating a childless woman, but when she's so busy that it becomes once or twice a month that you can see her, that's just not going to work.
   
5. Is she just looking to date, have fun, and take it slow? I've had friends hook up with single moms who wanted them to marry them in 6 months. They were in a hurry to find a husband quick and wouldn't fathom dating a guy for a few years before marriage.
   
6. Is she looking for a new father for her kid(s)? I understand single moms would want the man they potentially marry to be able to play a father role to her children, but some have shown more that they are more desperately looking to replace the guy that left and try to have that "nuclear family" dream.
   

I know some of this sounds harsh, selfish, or even narrow-minded, but it's honest...and a lot of those factors is why many men are reluctant when it comes to single moms. I tried dating one in my past, and what killed it was how she would not make any time for me. When she got free time, she would more make time for her friends, yet she initially came on to me and pushed me to date her.

 

My friends have run into single moms who were looking for a quick husband/daddy replacement, and I've had women come on to me that more saw me as a meal ticket or even "last resort". I'm not saying all single moms are like that, but you can at least see the fears many men face with this issue. Even more now when stepfathers who end up in divorce end up having to give child support for the kids that aren't even theirs!

 

 

NOW...one last thought though I will tell to all the men out there who say "NO SINGLE MOMS...EVER!" Bear in mind that many women are having children in our 30s (I'm 34). Be it from marriage, artificial insemination, or even accident...it's happening. As we get older, finding childless attractive women will become very hard...so you also might want to keep that in mind if you want to find someone and get married in your life.

 

No one says you have to get with the "burnt out party girl", but if you find the attractive single mom with one kid who got divorced, and she's not looking for anything more than just some love and companionship...

 

...just say "MILF MILF MILF" and enjoy it. Don't let the kid hinder what might be the right woman.

[datingmum]

Men don't get to meet your kids until they've proven themselves.

 

ABSO-F*CKING-LUTELY

 

Seriously, I read about a million 'dating' books after my divorce, so I could at least understand the minefield a teeny bit. But I instinctively knew not to allow my children near a man unless I knew he was wonderful and had been in my life a minimum of 6-8 months of serious monogamous dating - and then only fragmentary, fun contact!!! Certainly no 'sleepovers' etc....

[datingmum]

Does she have time to be my girlfriend? It's the one thing some guys talk about here. Is she always so busy with work, kid stuff, household stuff, etc...that she can't see me even semi-regularly? Is every date more just hanging with her and the kid(s)? Is she able to go out alone without the children and leave them with a sitter? I know that when you date a single mom, it won't be as regular and normal as dating a childless woman, but when she's so busy that it becomes once or twice a month that you can see her, that's just not going to work.

 

Wow, one would have thought that seeing you more was a pre-requisite to having a relationship! That's awful. I don't know a single single mom who would refuse the opportunity to go out on a date with someone they were really interested in if a sitter was available. Perhaps they didn't have enough money to pay for a sitter, in which case, it may be part of the date expenses for the man to offer?

 

But I don't think you're narrow minded at all!!! I think those are good things to be aware of and filtering for!

 

Poor men, as well you guys can get 'trapped' with the whole getting pregnant on purpose thing.

 

Okay, I'm just going to go and pack my vagina away into a tiny cardboard suitcase and bury it in the back of the closet now

[D-Jam]

Wow, one would have thought that seeing you more was a pre-requisite to having a relationship! That's awful. I don't know a single single mom who would refuse the opportunity to go out on a date with someone they were really interested in if a sitter was available. Perhaps they didn't have enough money to pay for a sitter, in which case, it may be part of the date expenses for the man to offer?

Well yeah...I think in the case of the one single mom I dated, she was initially into me, but then was more "maybe" on me. Part of this was that I found that she was immature (as I got to further know her), and more valued trying to hold on to that "hot single girl" lifestyle than she wanted to embrace motherhood. She was good to her son, but still didn't want to let go of the idea of partying with the girls at the clubs every chance she got.

 

With others, it's just that they were very busy with work and kid stuff. Nothing wrong with that, but I have told some women that maybe they're going to have to put the idea of love and boyfriend on hold for a few years til things maybe quiets down a bit. They didn't like hearing that, but it was honest.

 

I guess the point to my other reply was to show the single moms what a lot of men are thinking about when they meet the single mother...but also to send the message out to the men not to write off all single moms. Like I said, I have met some who I'd totally try dating...only they live in other states.

 

I'm happy though they did find some decent men.

[Krytie TV]

I pride myself on being exceptionally self-sufficient financially and am in a much better position than most people I know who are ten years older!

 

Do they know this from your profile? This is another reason, that when combined with your child status, may make men think twice.

[Saxis]

I'm happy though they did find some decent men.

 

I think single mom's might have better luck finding decent men. If a man is willing to work around the issues associated with parenting and dating, he's already showing some form of understanding and patience. Most guys just looking for sex are gonna write this off as too much work. You'll still run into a few though...

[datingmum]

I think single mom's might have better luck finding decent men. If a man is willing to work around the issues associated with parenting and dating, he's already showing some form of understanding and patience. Most guys just looking for sex are gonna write this off as too much work. You'll still run into a few though...

 

Awwww. this is positive

[PinkKittyKat]

Whenever there is a post about men avoiding single mothers I always think of lions.

 

Apparently, when a new male lion gains control of a pride, it fights off the previous male leader, and then proceeds to kill all the cubs sired by the previous leader. Scientists think it's caused by the male lion attempting to mate with the female lions, but as they are raising cubs, they aren't in "heat". So he kills the cubs, putting the mother lions into heat so HE can sire new cubs, and pass along his OWN genetic information, and not have to raise other cubs as his own.

 

 

Anyway, not saying that men would kill anyones kids, just that it's weird that in the animal kingdom the same problems occur. Lions don't like single mothers either!!

[datingmum]

Some mammals also eat their own young.

 

And then there are cuckolds.

 

Dunno, animal behaviour is not so simple to make analagous.

 

Human beings much prefer prowess (being an awesome catch) to territorial squabbles regarding progency. Unfortunately, it is difficult to convey this via an electronic medium I'm learning!

[Stockalone]

Apparently, when a new male lion gains control of a pride, it fights off the previous male leader, and then proceeds to kill all the cubs sired by the previous leader.

 

Well, to the victor go the spoils.

 

Also, in case of the lion, that behaviour makes perfect sense.

[Lovegod]

Here's the rule I kept when I was dating single mothers:

 

NO DEAL unless she was smoking hot. I didn't have kids, and I didn't need someone else's kids. Why should I bugger up my young adulthood by having a family to damn early? I wanted to take women out and have fun with them, not go to Barney on Stage.

 

If you're wanting to get out and date, date men who have kids. You can both chip in for a babysitter, you'll have stuff in common, and if he won't date you because you have kids, then he's a hypocrite and isn't worth your time.

 

Also, have you ever thought of asking the guy out first instead of waiting for him to quit wating for you to make a move?

 

I think consciously deciding to have a child on your own is great!

 

Unless you're adopting, it's a terrible idea.

 

IMO, a girl should primarily have a woman to follow in her footsteps, and a boy should have a man to follow in his footsteps. If you cross a girl with a man and a boy with a woman, you're gonna create a feminine man, and a tomboy. Both will have problems finding a mate in the future.

 

I have one friend who grew up with his mom and his sister. He's a bit of a pussy and a whiny bitch. He SERIOUSLY reminds me of a woman. He's also scared of things like power tools. He would have done well to have a male role-model in his life.

[Saxis]

If you're wanting to get out and date, date men who have kids. You can both chip in for a babysitter, you'll have stuff in common, and if he won't date you because you have kids, then he's a hypocrite and isn't worth your time.

 

Exactly why I have no qualms about dating single mothers. And the other reason I mentioned. I'm a little younger than the OP though, and there are loads of 20-24 year old single moms. Many have given up their partying days and are responsible and more mature, which suits me better anyway.

[sumdude]

Let's see... I'm 40, recently divorced and no kids. For me to consider a long term relationship with a woman with kids would take a really special woman with all her **it together and great kids. Even still I find myself not really wanting to go there... I still would like kids of my own and mixed familes get so complicated and i don't like complications in my life.. If/when I meet someone special I'd like to spend a lot of alone quality time with her, traveling etc..

 

All that said I agree with a couple of the other posters.. You're best bet is a man in a simliar postion to your own with his own children. You'll have a lot more in common.

[datingmum]

Almost no men in the UK seem to have children in their very early 30s. go figure. House prices and cost of living is too high.

[stillafool]

I think men in their 30's (who aren't married) don't date women with kids because they want a wife to have their kids only. They want their kids to be the first ones she gives birth to. They only want to take care of their own kids.

 

Personally, if a guy made it known that he was put off by the fact that I have kids I would know he is not the right guy for me.

 

Don't change your profile. Let them know you have kids or you will be wasting your time and theirs. Do you really want to date guys who are looking for women without kids and you have them?

[carhill]

Not a global assessment, but I dated a fair amount of WWC's in my 30's and it seemed, almost without exception, that the children were a constant reminder of the ex and the emotions that went with all that. I never met one woman who had gotten past that. Sad thing was I would've made a great father and did and do love children. I just didn't have the stomach for their personal emotional baggage. Additionally, I think I did not have the proper skills to create attraction in the way they found healthy, so that was my part of the equation.

 

I would echo the advice to be honest and also would add advice to focus forward without emphasis on the past. The past is a part of you but don't let it rule you. New relationships create new opportunities

[Marin]

Yeah but at your age it's going to be more difficult to find women without kids, unless you're successfully attracting women a lot younger than yourself.

 

Let's see... I'm 40, recently divorced and no kids. For me to consider a long term relationship with a woman with kids would take a really special woman with all her **it together and great kids. Even still I find myself not really wanting to go there... I still would like kids of my own and mixed familes get so complicated and i don't like complications in my life.. If/when I meet someone special I'd like to spend a lot of alone quality time with her, traveling etc..

 

All that said I agree with a couple of the other posters.. You're best bet is a man in a simliar postion to your own with his own children. You'll have a lot more in common.

[sumdude]

Yeah but at your age it's going to be more difficult to find women without kids, unless you're successfully attracting women a lot younger than yourself.

 

LOL at my age?! I'm only 40 after all.. Plus the city I live in is full of single women in thier 20's and 30's.. Guess it depends on where you live. It's getting more and more common for women to wait until 30-ish to get married. Seems pretty natural for a man to marry a yonuger woman.

Edited April 7, 2008 by sumdude