datingmum Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Hi everyone. I've been wallowing over in the Breakups forum, but have lately joined a really excellent dating site. I'm in the top rankings for 'fans' i.e. guys that like me and get tons of views every day. The problem is almost NO ONE even writes to ask me out? There is one guy that I've been interested in on there and we've been chatting, but although he has made it clear he thinks I'm 'superhot', he said that he guesses that when the guys see I have children (it's part of the profile system), he can just hear the tumbleweed blowing. I know everyone will probably say "oh well, the ones that do get through will be keepers, will be the right kind of guys" but I guess I'm just a bit sad that so many eligible men would run the other way. I pride myself on being exceptionally self-sufficient financially and am in a much better position than most people I know who are ten years older! Not to mention my million other great qualities But no one will ever know! Any solace/insight for me?
TheFonz Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 Most guys have experienced that a woman's kid(s) are used as a shield and an excuse for everything, i.e., "can't do xyx, have to do xyz with little Johnny. I can't get babysitter", etc. it never ends. Then guys wonder if some douchey father is going to be in the way. Having said that, there's many guys so desperate for an attractive woman they will go after women with kids anyway.
MayDay Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 Most guys have experienced that a woman's kid(s) are used as a shield and an excuse for everything, i.e., "can't do xyx, have to do xyz with little Johnny. I can't get babysitter", etc. it never ends. Then guys wonder if some douchey father is going to be in the way. Having said that, there's many guys so desperate for an attractive woman they will go after women with kids anyway. 'Most guys' have experienced what you said above? So men are that stupid that they can't figure out ahead of time a married woman is not for them? I thought as much.
sally4sara Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 Well the whole attitude of on-line dating is a path of least resistance one. It keeps you from combing obnoxious bars, joining stupid clubs under false pretenses, how ever else single folk meet up etc. It is also a format that encourages category and preference searches without any real sampling of individual personalities. A guy could comb through one of those sites for a month without exploring a single mother option, but if he always ends up doing his laundry the same night the hot, single, and interesting mother of cute kid in his building does, he might reconsider his position.
Author datingmum Posted April 3, 2008 Author Posted April 3, 2008 Most guys have experienced that a woman's kid(s) are used as a shield and an excuse for everything, i.e., "can't do xyx, have to do xyz with little Johnny. I can't get babysitter", etc. it never ends. Then guys wonder if some douchey father is going to be in the way. Having said that, there's many guys so desperate for an attractive woman they will go after women with kids anyway. I would never do that! In my one relationship since divorce I kept children WELL out of it for nearly 8 months. hahah. You're honest. love your posts by the way. Yes, I can see all of that, but what the heck am I going to do about it?
Enema Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 It's true that most guys will not want something with a woman who already has kids. The reasons for that are obvious, as to why no one contacts you it may be the site design. ie. I could imagine people vote for your picture just based on your physical merits. So you get lots of fans. But, when they're searching for someone to message, they might search using a number of options including "No Children" ?
Author datingmum Posted April 3, 2008 Author Posted April 3, 2008 Well the whole attitude of on-line dating is a path of least resistance one. It keeps you from combing obnoxious bars, joining stupid clubs under false pretenses, how ever else single folk meet up etc. It is also a format that encourages category and preference searches without any real sampling of individual personalities. A guy could comb through one of those sites for a month without exploring a single mother option, but if he always ends up doing his laundry the same night the hot, single, and interesting mother of cute kid in his building does, he might reconsider his position. hahahha. you are so right. that is how I ended up with my ex-fiance (the relationship after my divorce). We were neighboors on the ground floor in the same building and shared a patio. It was a gradual/inevitable flirtation that sucked him in .
TheFonz Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 'Most guys' have experienced what you said above? So men are that stupid that they can't figure out ahead of time a married woman is not for them? I thought as much. Huh. What? Who was talking about married women? Do you mean a woman is married to her kid?
Mustang Sally Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 I agree with sally4sara's point. What single guy (30's or otherwise) is actively searching for a single woman with kid(s)? Not gonns to be happenin', as a general rule. You know? Better to meet someone that likes you for you, and then might find himself opening up to the idea that you also do have kids.
Green Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 I think your more likely to find some one who falls in love with you so they decide to love your kids because they relize thats what its going to take to get with you. But for the most part men are going to see a woman with children as less desirable. In reality a woman with chldren may be better then the women available with out children... it all depends
fishtaco Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 Having kids is not a plus, sorry. But it's not necessarily a deal breaker. I have dated single/divorced moms, and I probably will in the future. I'm 30 something BTW. It's about 1) the kids are not total terrors 2) how cooperative and possible is she in working with me to schedule in some quality time. Even if a woman isn't like how Fonz described, there could be other circumstances. Like if she's a financially struggling single mom with a 2 year old with no family members or friends to help babysit. That's not going to work either. I think a lot of men stay away from single/divorced moms is that they don't want to be the father. I don't either. But dating a woman with kids doesn't automatically make you a father. As long as both of you know you are not playing the father figure, then it's fine. I'm a playmate to the kids. I goof around with them, but I don't discipline them, not my role, and not my responsibility. I'm just here for the mom. In fact I feel that the more responsible single moms wouldn't want their boyfriends to play the father anyway. A relationship could end, much easier than a marriage. You wouldn't want men coming in, building a father relationship with the kids, then walk away when the relationship breaks down. It takes a toll on the kids too, probably more so than the adults. It does make things more complicated, like I said it's not a plus. But if handled well by both sides, it shouldn't be a bad thing either.
DanielMadr Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 Law of the Jungle. She has to be super catch, in order for a guy to forget he will sacrifice his time, devoution, money for a child of genes not of his own.
Woggle Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 Many women with kids have loads of baggage most likely caused by the father of those children and men usually shy away from that. It's just too much of a headache.
planna Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 i think your onto something there fishtaco, but a word of caution: it doesnt matter if your there for the mum, the children, you and the mum will form bonds and become attatched wether or not your just freinds or something more and another thing is that if the mum didnt have 'baggage' then she wouldnt be the person she is today. for myself, my kids have their father they dont need anymore, y on earth would you want the hassle of dealing with messy complicated issues wen theres no need?!
Author datingmum Posted April 3, 2008 Author Posted April 3, 2008 Yes, I hear what you're saying and I suppose my profile on that website does little to explain. I'm 32,but I married my highschool sweetheart at 21, we pLANNED our two girls at 25 - two in a row (so that when they were 20, we'd be 45! Yeah!) . It wasn't until we had children that his depression worsened, he withdrew from the family and I was drowning in mothering my two babies and him. We are amicable now, he has them 5 days every other week (though isn't 100% awesome dad, he loves them dearly and is very affectionate). So I guess I'm saying that I was a good girl who just honestly got into a marriage a bit too young and decided to have children before our real adult selves became apparent. There is the option on this site called 'ask me later' which you can apply to any questions. Do you think that it might be worthwhile to use this until someone gets to know me a bit? Or is it BEST to allow only the guys 'through' that are totally in the know? Also, this guy that's been chatting with me...he's so cute and keeps looking at my profile (you can tell) and we have wonderfully hilarious chats and incredibly similar interests/styles/etc. He's the one who said "you're superhot but then guys look at the children bit and I can hear the tumbleweed". He also said "you live 150 miles away! I couldn't possibly ask you on a date, it wouldn't be fair and I'd feel terribly guilty if you didn't want to jump my bones immediately :)" But I guess he is just put off by the fact that I'm a mum and he lives away, otherwise he said 'he'd be all over me like a rash'. I wonder if that will change? Knowing that he feels that way, is it ok for me to keep contacting him to chat? Or should I just stop and see if he contacts me again? I honestly think that he won't find anyone like me.... Finally, I am aN AWESOME catch. Seriously! Not bragging, but I am .
DanielMadr Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 Yes, I hear what you're saying and I suppose my profile on that website does little to explain. I'm 32,but I married my highschool sweetheart at 21, we pLANNED our two girls at 25 - two in a row (so that when they were 20, we'd be 45! Yeah!) . It wasn't until we had children that his depression worsened, he withdrew from the family and I was drowning in mothering my two babies and him. We are amicable now, he has them 5 days every other week (though isn't 100% awesome dad, he loves them dearly and is very affectionate). So I guess I'm saying that I was a good girl who just honestly got into a marriage a bit too young and decided to have children before our real adult selves became apparent. There is the option on this site called 'ask me later' which you can apply to any questions. Do you think that it might be worthwhile to use this until someone gets to know me a bit? Or is it BEST to allow only the guys 'through' that are totally in the know? Also, this guy that's been chatting with me...he's so cute and keeps looking at my profile (you can tell) and we have wonderfully hilarious chats and incredibly similar interests/styles/etc. He's the one who said "you're superhot but then guys look at the children bit and I can hear the tumbleweed". He also said "you live 150 miles away! I couldn't possibly ask you on a date, it wouldn't be fair and I'd feel terribly guilty if you didn't want to jump my bones immediately :)" But I guess he is just put off by the fact that I'm a mum and he lives away, otherwise he said 'he'd be all over me like a rash'. I wonder if that will change? Knowing that he feels that way, is it ok for me to keep contacting him to chat? Or should I just stop and see if he contacts me again? I honestly think that he won't find anyone like me.... Finally, I am aN AWESOME catch. Seriously! Not bragging, but I am . Dont want to spoil it for you but a guy who has never seen you in real and flirting that with you.....Im not sure about that. I have big reservation towards dating sites. I think its for pussies and I-will-be-Ladies-Man-on-net-tonight Men and I-need-some-attention-now Women. Internet is fine but peoples imagination sometimes takes over reality.
Stockalone Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 There is the option on this site called 'ask me later' which you can apply to any questions. Do you think that it might be worthwhile to use this until someone gets to know me a bit? Or is it BEST to allow only the guys 'through' that are totally in the know? I would say it is best to let the men know that you have kids. I don't think too many guys will later warm up to the idea if they weren't comfortable with dating a single mum in the first place. As far as the reasoning for not dating a single mom goes, most of the obious reasons have already been mentioned. It's a package deal, if things get serious you not only have to love the mom but you also have to get along with the kids. What role does the kid's father play, what effect will that have on me? The kids will always be the number one priority in her life. Rightfully so, but still, that is not really a plus if the kids aren't mine. The main reason I don't date single moms is that I would like to have a family of my own someday. That means, I am looking for a mom to be, not a woman who already is a mom. Also, most of the single moms I know (late twenties, early thirties) have already completed their family planning and don't want to have any more children. They want to concentrate on their career.
Trialbyfire Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 datingmum, I think that's sad but at the same time, I'm the female version of these guys. I shy away from men with children, due to baby momma drama. There's no choice since these women will always be part of their lives, as the child(rens) mother. It had better be a special guy, who won't bend over for their psycho exes, but still retain a healthy working relationship as co-parent. It also concerns me, how these children are raised. Will I have to undo all the damage from an ineffective or abusive mother?
Saxis Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 Being pretty put-together and stable myself, I'm looking for a woman the same, so I can see this two ways: A single woman with children can either be filled with baby/daddy drama and get you mixed into the craziness, or she can be a very caring and responsible person with her life in order. I see tons of 20-30 year old single moms on dating sites, but I give no preference to any person. I'm actually more willing to take the chance and find the responsible adult and parent than the grown up kids looking to party or just desperate. Then again, I'm a single dad so it would be pretty hypocritical to judge them... Also, I'd be worried about any guy who told you he wouldn't date unless he could jump your bones right away, just because of distance. Unless you're also looking for sex, he doesn't exactly have you or your children's best interests in mind.
Author datingmum Posted April 3, 2008 Author Posted April 3, 2008 True true to the last post. You're right, it's my hormones and lack of sex getting to me I'm virtually a virgin when it comes to dating anyway as I married my highschool sweetheart and 'first' and then went pretty quickly into another relationship... Thanks for the advice! I would like to say that I'd imagine MOST women with children who are single again WOULD like to have another baby to 'join' the family. Especially if they are still in their fertile years. Well, I would, because it would be awful to deprive a man of his right to have his own children! Don't most women feel this way? I mean, I'm all for career, but let's face it....it's not all it's cracked up to be AND you won't lie on your deathbed thinking "wish I'd prepared that report for the board earlier!"
Trialbyfire Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 I would like to say that I'd imagine MOST women with children who are single again WOULD like to have another baby to 'join' the family. Especially if they are still in their fertile years. Well, I would, because it would be awful to deprive a man of his right to have his own children! Don't most women feel this way? I mean, I'm all for career, but let's face it....it's not all it's cracked up to be AND you won't lie on your deathbed thinking "wish I'd prepared that report for the board earlier!" Huh? Why would you have children for someone else? I would never do that. I would only have children with someone, because I'm ready and willing to have children. There are too many unwanted children and horrible parents in the world already. Children are not a right, they are a gift.
Author datingmum Posted April 3, 2008 Author Posted April 3, 2008 Sorry, I must have phrased it wrong. I didn't mean HAVE children for a man who didn't have his own. I meant: I LOVE MY CHILDREN and being with them and would have another if I was in love and he wanted children as well!
Trialbyfire Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 Okay, understood. Btw, I'd never have a relationship with a guy who didn't want kids. I love them and want to have them, sometime in my life. One or two would be perfect. Having said that, if I don't find the right person, who is relationship and family-oriented, I would never settle, just to have a family. I'd rather have a child alone. I kid you not.
Author datingmum Posted April 3, 2008 Author Posted April 3, 2008 (edited) I think consciously deciding to have a child on your own is great! I think it's wonderful that someone would want that! Whenever my children ask how babies are made (they're not old enough yet to tell the truth) I say "Mommy and Daddy loved each other so much that their love made you!" Extrapolated, it is amazing that someone is confident, intelligent and put together enough to love themselves and have babies on their own if that is what they desire. Essentially, this is the outcome of Plato's Symposium -love sprouting into creative form, either through art or physical children, beauty.... And rubbish to the people who say "oh, it's not fair to raise a child on it's own with no father!" Lots of people end up without a father anyways AND you may meet the right man along the way! Edited April 3, 2008 by datingmum
fishtaco Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 i think your onto something there fishtaco, but a word of caution: it doesnt matter if your there for the mum, the children, you and the mum will form bonds and become attatched wether or not your just freinds or something more and another thing is that if the mum didnt have 'baggage' then she wouldnt be the person she is today. for myself, my kids have their father they dont need anymore, y on earth would you want the hassle of dealing with messy complicated issues wen theres no need?! Exactly, I don't deal with the issues. I make it clear I'm just there for the mom. I will only go as far as a friend would, when it comes to kids and family matters (like for emergencies, I'll go pick up the kid from school), because I'm not part of it. I'm just the dude that's dating the mom. If it gets too complicated, I walk away. If I'm not getting enough quality time, I walk away. I'm like this even with relationships without kids. It's not like if I were dating a chick with no kids that means she could get away with flipping out and throwing tantrums like a 2 year old. Drama is drama. Doesn't have to come from kid related baggages, and stinks just as bad. So far my experience has been that the moms know to shield me from these issues. I think if I meet a woman that's trying to trap me in so I can become a husband and father and get all wrapped up, I tend to filter her out. Even women without children that are family/husband seeking tend to bounce off me anyway. But once I'm in that situation I don't have a problem walking away either. I'm not afraid to be single. I've walked away from other non-kid related relationship issues. Actually one single mom did want me to be the husband/father. But she's a genuinely good person and didn't use any tricks or whatever to throw me in there, she just really wanted me to. She expressed it, but gave me space. Ultimately it didn't work out because I didn't budge. We're still friends and I wish her the best in finding a good one. But I would say I'm in the minority. Most men, especially ones without kids, prefer not to date single moms. I'm virtually a virgin when it comes to dating anyway That's actually your problem more than being with kids. Dating is not something you just kind of do. It's a skill, like anything else. It'll take you a number instances to get comfortable, I don't mean GF/BF, just interacting with someone with the intention to date, whether it works out or not, counts. You'll get lots of bruises and bumps along the way. When you're young, the damage comes from being immature and doing stupid things without thinking of the consequence. When you are in your 30's, everyone else know what they're doing, so damage will come from being used, until you get good at dating and figure out the system. But there's no way around it. I've paid my dues, you'll have to pay yours now. So I think just don't take things too seriously, go out and date for fun, be casual, don't have any goals, and have the see what happens mentality. You need to explore and catch up to the other people in their 30's in terms of experience. You'll learn a lot about yourself, about men, and about the dating scene. Some of it will be good, some of it will be bad. Then you can set a goal like finding the right man. But until then, I'd say keep your kids out of it. They don't have to meet everyone you date. Your kids should be #1. Many women guard sex like it's the ultimate treasure, well you have to guard your kids like the ultimate treasure. Men don't get to meet your kids until they've proven themselves.
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