What would you do? He's a criminal!

[underpants]

LL,

 

I loved everything that Legs said. She has the wisdom of experience and I'm listening to her along with you.

 

I want to say something beyond just this latest mild curiosity, and please correct me if I am wrong.

 

Do you think you might on some unconscious level seek attraction with emotionally unavailable men?

 

I remember the crush on an addicted person, then M (recently divorced), and D (fwb thing). I'm not judging. Just trying to see if there is a pattern.

 

If so I can kind of understand. With your schedule and studies you might be unconsciously going for guys with whom you know are not LTR material.

 

One year left in school. That is great. I'm sure the schedule will improve after graduation and you will have loads more time to relax.

[LoveLace]

I agree underpants I always love reading what Legs has to say...

 

You speak of my history with the roommate...ugh how it makes me cringe now! I couldn't begin to see him that way ever again...Deep down he always wanted someone to love. He just didn't want ME. Now he's with someone who has apparently measured up to everything he's ever wanted. By the time I moved out he was happier and healthier than I've ever seen him.

 

As for Marty, he's still with the same girl he found right after me, which was many months ago. He was broken from the divorce, but he still wanted to find something good. He just didn't want ME.

 

From things I know about Dan to conversations I've had with him, I'm pretty sure he wants to find Ms. Right. He just doesn't want ME.

 

No matter who the guy is, they decide not to be available for me. But they will be for someone else. In one way another I'm never good enough. The only ones who seem to think I'm good enough are, well, are either very dull or they are a convicted felon!

 

Someone at work yesterday asked me if I had kids, but I said no I don't even have a boyfriend. Then I got the old "It'll happen" speech. I said you don't understand...I don't think there is anyone out there for me...as the words came out of my mouth I realized how much I truly believe it...I wasn't saying because I want to give up...I was saying it because I think it's true. Not everyone finds love. Some are really destined to spend life alone. I might be one of those people, I might have to accept that. Accepting it isn't all that hard, but dealing with it is another...

 

I live with my mother who's in this honeymoon phase with a new guy, after being single for many years. She's giggly and happy and way up in the clouds all the time. My roommate was the same way with his girlfriend. I hate that I don't know what it feels like and I hate that it's in my face all the time. It's another world that I dont' understand. It's soo foreign to me that I wonder if that's why I don't know how to find it.

[carhill]

Having read an overview of your LS history, I'm curious.... in the last 5 years how long have you had uninterrupted time alone, as in no relationships, no dating, no thinking of dating, no pining for a man?

 

IME, when relationships aren't promoting growth or appear to be unhealthy, introspection is the best way to see oneself clearly. Perhaps presumptuous of me, but I think alone time combined with therapy (if introspection is too difficult to do alone) would make a quantum difference in how you feel about yourself, ergo how you interact with the world, especially the relationship world.

 

I know, for myself, the combination of therapy and using LS as a mirror (therapy facilitated this) has made a huge difference.

 

I know what long-term love feels like, and it's not a panacea. It is, however, IMO, an inspiration for growth and expansion of one's spirit and life. In that endeavor, I wish you well. Your evidence of caring in the threads you post to tells me you will make a fantastic nurse and we need more like you.

[Mary3]

Hear hear!

 

Very good post as always DDL!

 

LL, I get the impression that you are letting being a single gal affect your self-esteem. I know there's a lot of pressure for men and women to be in relationships in their 30s, but please don't let it get to you.

 

What are you doing outside of nursing shcool to improve yourself? Do you exercise? Do you have hobbies? Do you volunteer?

 

Work on being the most interesting person you can be (through actions), work on being someone you would otherwise admire, work on improving your self-esteem and if someone comes into your life, then good for them.

 

The equation doesn't go: I feel lonely, have low self-esteem, then meet someone and then we live happily ever after. The equation goes: I feel lonely, I work on feeling less lonely by investing myself in things I find interesting, my self-esteem improves, I no longer have time to feel lonely, I meet someone who adds to my life and with whom I can picture establishing the kind of relationship that's strong enough to raise children into.

 

And you don't need people to not feel lonely. You only need activities.

 

Very well spoken ! Don't let a relationship ( or lack of one ) identify who you are . Alot of women are quick to label themselves * in a relationship * when men are much slower to want that title... How about * successfully single * when someone asks you if you have a man? Embrace that you are strong , career orientated , healthy and single !

Then when the right man comes along ( someday ) then you are in a healthy place to * add * his presence into your already great life.

By the same token , if a bad guy comes into your life , you are strong enough to say NO I don't think so...

I've got precision sharp at identifying the bad guys.

Its a gift !

Develop your gift , praise your life and someday the right man will follow

[LoveLace]

Hey thanks for the words guys.

 

Car I've had more uninterrupted time alone than I care for! I eat alone, I go everywhere alone (everybody "meets up" now because they are all couples!) I haven't had a long term relationship since i was 19. When I still frequented bars/clubs, I was going by myself, very often, by my late 20's. And it never bothered me, cuz I would run into someone or make friends. But that's not what I do anymore, just a happy hour with someone occasionally. I've even taken a get-away vacation alone before. I lived alone, completely alone, for 5 years. I've gone months, and months, without being touched or kissed or anything. I went almost a full year without sex once! It might sounds like I always have some idiot in my life, but being single for 11 years includes a whole lot of time with yourself. In fact, I love my alone time. Even if I get serious with someone, I need space. I'm an only child so independence is precious to me.

 

Kam I have taken up extra activities over the last few months...but I work 3 days a week and school takes up 3 days every week. I invested into a retail business with a friend but if I ever time for it, it has to be that only day a week that I normally don't have obligations. Sometimes I do happy hour with a girl friend on Friday nights. I tire out easily, after a couple drinks I'm ready for bed. Saturday is my only "free" day and it's the only day I feel it's ok to lay around and do nothing for a while. The rest of my week is work, study, school, and if I tried to do anything extra, I'd probably go outta my mind! I remember I almost called off the date with Bill because it was my only free day and I just wanted to chill...hey that ryhmed...

I used to work out often, but my shedule is too twisted to do it right now..Days I work at 5:30am and spend 8 hours running in cirlces, the last place I want to go is to the gym...the other days of the week are dedicated to resting my painful feet after running at work! I'm already getting nurse's feet...

 

I'm hoping maybe the lighter schedule in the summer will allow some gym time...I loved it when I was able to do it before...this is just a fkd up semester.

 

So based on my full life of work and more work, the only extra thing I want is a guy waiting for me to come home and relax with him! But to get to that point, you have date first, which takes yet more work, and more time, which the biological clock doesn't have a lot left of...my only logical answer would be to hold off dating until school is over, a whole year away and sacrifice that precious amount of time. Another year of affection-deprivation, sex deprivation, things that do wonders for my stress and my mood if I do have them. Nursing school is basically making the choice to be miserable, and that's no joke people!

[carhill]

Car I've had more uninterrupted time alone than I care for! I eat alone, I go everywhere alone (everybody "meets up" now because they are all couples!) I haven't had a long term relationship since i was 19. When I still frequented bars/clubs, I was going by myself, very often, by my late 20's. And it never bothered me, cuz I would run into someone or make friends. But that's not what I do anymore, just a happy hour with someone occasionally. I've even taken a get-away vacation alone before. I lived alone, completely alone, for 5 years. I've gone months, and months, without being touched or kissed or anything. I went almost a full year without sex once! It might sounds like I always have some idiot in my life, but being single for 11 years includes a whole lot of time with yourself. In fact, I love my alone time. Even if I get serious with someone, I need space. I'm an only child so independence is precious to me.

 

Thanks for that. Interesting. I pegged you as younger. Only child here too. Didn't get married until I was 41. Lived alone for 20 years. We can talk Interestingly, I don't mind being fully invested (I don't need "space"). In fact, my wife's reluctance for emotional intimacy is why we're in MC. Guess we're all wired up differently. .

 

You know, I was looking at an old journal calendar from 16 years ago, back when I was "telephone" dating (before internet). I saw some names there and had flashbacks to some ladies who gave a whole new meaning to the word "different" . Now those memories are just funny stories, but boy, at the time everything was so intense.

 

Anyway, I think the misery of nursing school will end up being a godsend. It will also bring you into a social circle of contemporaries, both intellectually and emotionally. I've met a number of cool male nurses at my mom's SNF. The PT and OT guys are especially great with the female residents. Once you get out of school or into an internship, watch out You need a guy who enjoys a high energy woman and can be flexible wrt her schedule and space requirements. Not easy to find. Most of us are married

[Mary3]

Hey thanks for the words guys.

 

Car I've had more uninterrupted time alone than I care for! I eat alone, I go everywhere alone (everybody "meets up" now because they are all couples!) I haven't had a long term relationship since i was 19. When I still frequented bars/clubs, I was going by myself, very often, by my late 20's. And it never bothered me, cuz I would run into someone or make friends. But that's not what I do anymore, just a happy hour with someone occasionally. I've even taken a get-away vacation alone before. I lived alone, completely alone, for 5 years. I've gone months, and months, without being touched or kissed or anything. I went almost a full year without sex once! It might sounds like I always have some idiot in my life, but being single for 11 years includes a whole lot of time with yourself. In fact, I love my alone time. Even if I get serious with someone, I need space. I'm an only child so independence is precious to me.

 

Kam I have taken up extra activities over the last few months...but I work 3 days a week and school takes up 3 days every week. I invested into a retail business with a friend but if I ever time for it, it has to be that only day a week that I normally don't have obligations. Sometimes I do happy hour with a girl friend on Friday nights. I tire out easily, after a couple drinks I'm ready for bed. Saturday is my only "free" day and it's the only day I feel it's ok to lay around and do nothing for a while. The rest of my week is work, study, school, and if I tried to do anything extra, I'd probably go outta my mind! I remember I almost called off the date with Bill because it was my only free day and I just wanted to chill...hey that ryhmed...

I used to work out often, but my shedule is too twisted to do it right now..Days I work at 5:30am and spend 8 hours running in cirlces, the last place I want to go is to the gym...the other days of the week are dedicated to resting my painful feet after running at work! I'm already getting nurse's feet...

 

I'm hoping maybe the lighter schedule in the summer will allow some gym time...I loved it when I was able to do it before...this is just a fkd up semester.

 

So based on my full life of work and more work, the only extra thing I want is a guy waiting for me to come home and relax with him! But to get to that point, you have date first, which takes yet more work, and more time, which the biological clock doesn't have a lot left of...my only logical answer would be to hold off dating until school is over, a whole year away and sacrifice that precious amount of time. Another year of affection-deprivation, sex deprivation, things that do wonders for my stress and my mood if I do have them. Nursing school is basically making the choice to be miserable, and that's no joke people!

 

I can sooo relate to your situation. I was divorced 11 years ago. Was in a 4 year afterwards ( treated the best I ever have been ) and since 02 just dating and meeting alot of different type of men. Some lead to short term relationships. But for the last 5 years learned to be alone for the most part. Reading LS helped alot !

 

I am so used to being alone even if I am getting involved with someone I worry about all my alone time that I like to keep

 

Would I be able to tolerate a real relationship ? Thats why I try and get to know them and usually it does not work because I have such picky standards , lol.

 

I hear you when you say sometimes you are just tired and don't even want to go on a date . I am going on one tonite. I even waited until this afternoon to confirm because I wonder if it will be worth it .

 

Nonetheless , I am going.

 

As for doing things alone like going out I did that ALOT . If I had a friend that could go great , but if not , I did alot of things alone.

 

Travel ( many times alone , one time with sis and one time with friend ) I have to admit travel is more fun with someone next to you.

 

The one thing I don't dig is going to restaurants alone. I prefer just taking it to go back to my hotel or home.

 

Concerts I can do alone. Oftentimes like you said someone will approach and offer to buy me a drink.

 

Malls , shopping , movies I have done alone many times. My gf will go but her bf takes up alot of her time. Most friends are married or in relationships, so I feel you when you say they are too busy.

 

I could have written your post in most ways.....

 

But I pretty much figure the right man will eventually come along and accept me , my lifestyle and my ways in some century ,lol

 

The point is , some of us were meant to live lonely lives and some of us are social butterflies who always have a gazillion friends to do things with. Since I am introverted ( artist ) I like my alone time .

 

I guess the warm body to snuggle and the sex ( while sex is easy for us to get but I dont want to be Booty Central ) its easier now to spot the guys who just want to deposit DNA but don't want to be around for much more.... I guess I detest that now. I wont succumb to those offers anymore.

 

Keep posting because I really do relate to alot of what you are saying. Have faith or hope that someday the right guy will come along. I know ppl in their 80's who have met the love of their lives ! Not sure how old you are but its sweet that even 80 year olds look for and find love

[LoveLace]

Thanks Car and Mary a lot, I think this ranting has been therapeutic somewhat. Mary good luck with your date! Oh gosh I don't have until my 80's! I want kids for chris sakes! I want this race against time to end, but it won't until I cross the finish line! And I know what you mean about Booty Central. There was a time when a safe one night stand was all I needed to satisfy me for a while...now I want nothing to do with that. I prefer a consistent sex life with a consistent person that you are totally comfortable with. It sucks not knowing how much longer there is to wait for it..

[TheFonz]

Do you think you might on some unconscious level seek attraction with emotionally unavailable men?

 

 

I think her problem and other girls like her is they seek attraction with emotionally disfunctional men.

[Cov]

I think her problem and other girls like her is they seek attraction with emotionally disfunctional men.

 

 

Isn't that were all the fun lies?

[TheFonz]

Isn't that were all the fun lies?

 

 

If you like drama. As for me, check out my thread "What do women think about what Fonzy does?".

[Cov]

If you like drama. As for me, check out my thread "What do women think about what Fonzy does?".

 

I like the odd domestic and I like my women feisty, but I don't like it when they take it, too far, but each to their own, and I will check your thread out.

 

Are you a male pornstar?

[Little Shy]

Mary3 & LL,

Count me in as a 3rd gal in your exact same situation!

It's been 8 years for me since any relationship existed beyond 4 months!

I have always been ridiculously independent, and as a result, I ended almost all my relationships from 17 years old to 30.

I rejected several marriage proposals, and several amazing boyfriends. I guess I figured they would just keep coming in droves!

Part of me wonders if my current situation in the dating world is not some sort of karmic retribution for all the guys I hurt & passed up!

Many times I find myself in your present situation LL, were I feel as if they men I date like me, but not for Long term relationship material.

They often find their new girlfriend right after they date me.

None of my friends can figure out why, sometimes they advise me that maybe I am just a bit intimidating because I have a whole lot of shyt doing on.

Honestly, it would be nice & indulgent to believe that were the case, but I am really starting to think not.

And yes, the tons & tons of time spent alone. Movies, dinners, concerts, museums, working out and I have traveled to far reaching areas of the globe even for lengths of time by myself!

I do also wonder when I will meet Mr. Wonderful, and this will end.

I have become a bit frustrated myself, so just adding in, that I feel your ladies sentiments!

It is so funny Mary, tonite I am supposed to go on a date & have been back & forth for HOURs on if I am going to flake or not, because I am soooo tired of making the play, and I just want to go to dinner with my girlfriends, who I rarely see anymore, because they are all in LTR's!!

[Advocate's Devilette]

If you like drama. As for me, check out my thread "What do women think about what Fonzy does?".

 

Yes, it's a profound thread which gives innovative insight about men. It debases men to the point that men haven't evolved past that of pure animals in that a relationship with the female species is based only on sex.

[Advocate's Devilette]

You need a guy who enjoys a high energy woman and can be flexible wrt her schedule and space requirements. Not easy to find. Most of us are married

 

I hate it when these men post and make single women feel like all the good ones are taken. It's soooooooo ridiculous. And the cat thing, they are perpetuating the ancient spinster stereotype. There are tons of great men out there. Just because the trend is for women to marry later in life, doesn't mean it's women's faults.

[Mary3]

Mary3 & LL,

Count me in as a 3rd gal in your exact same situation!

It's been 8 years for me since any relationship existed beyond 4 months!

I have always been ridiculously independent, and as a result, I ended almost all my relationships from 17 years old to 30.

I rejected several marriage proposals, and several amazing boyfriends. I guess I figured they would just keep coming in droves!

Part of me wonders if my current situation in the dating world is not some sort of karmic retribution for all the guys I hurt & passed up!

Many times I find myself in your present situation LL, were I feel as if they men I date like me, but not for Long term relationship material.

They often find their new girlfriend right after they date me.

None of my friends can figure out why, sometimes they advise me that maybe I am just a bit intimidating because I have a whole lot of shyt doing on.

Honestly, it would be nice & indulgent to believe that were the case, but I am really starting to think not.

And yes, the tons & tons of time spent alone. Movies, dinners, concerts, museums, working out and I have traveled to far reaching areas of the globe even for lengths of time by myself!

I do also wonder when I will meet Mr. Wonderful, and this will end.

I have become a bit frustrated myself, so just adding in, that I feel your ladies sentiments!

It is so funny Mary, tonite I am supposed to go on a date & have been back & forth for HOURs on if I am going to flake or not, because I am soooo tired of making the play, and I just want to go to dinner with my girlfriends, who I rarely see anymore, because they are all in LTR's!!

 

Well I went on my date tonite and was not attracted to him . He did go in for a few kisses and I reciprocated but I did not feel the chemistry...

 

Its such a shame the ( other guy ), who we had great chemistry and sex but he does not want a relationship , and he is not with me tonite. I just feel it tonite..... and told him one month ago I could not see him anymore because I felt like we were not on the same page. He should shoot himself in the foot because we had awesome chemistry. He talked with me 30 days later and asked me out for this week but did not call . It was almost like retaliation for me stop seeing him and then he asks me out and never called...

 

So I drove home tonite , another *dud* date and it just feels normal , LOL ! Its like okay I am going home and this was not a great date..

 

I need to find my greater purpose in life and focus on that along with healing myself and becoming the best person ever

[carhill]

I hate it when these men post and make single women feel like all the good ones are taken. It's soooooooo ridiculous. And the cat thing' date=' they are perpetuating the ancient spinster stereotype. There are tons of great men out there. Just because the trend is for women to marry later in life, doesn't mean it's women's faults.[/quote']

Emoticons 101 .... wink = sarcasm

 

I waited until I was 41 to get married. Most women I met, including my wife, were either married prior (my wife twice) or had been in unsuccessful relationships. Some (actually most) treated me like cr@p. That didn't stop me from being hopeful. I now understand that it was my psychology of attraction which brought the wrong women into my life. The OP appears to have a similar issue, hence my response. Regardless of the outcome of my marriage, I still remain hopeful. It's my way

[LoveLace]

Mary I've sooo been there!

 

I to was involved with a guy who didn't want a relationship but our chemistry was undeniable, at least in my eyes. He too still wanted to go out with me after telling him we shouldn't see each other anymore! Wow! What's that all about? Well it's ridiculous because I'm still not over the jerk, I don't have a problem trying to move on with other guys (if I find one worth moving on to!) but I still miss Dan so much it's crazy.

 

Good post littleshy...

 

I can't believe how huge this thread f*ng got!!

[Cherry Blossom 35]

I also believe that you should do your homework on this one. Anything truly violent would scare me FAR away. However, people do things when they are teenagers and then they grow and mature and create better lives for themselves. I have a friend from England who spent 3 years in prison for a bar fight gone bad. Fast forward 20 years..he is happily married and an AMAZING father to a little girl with Down's Syndrome.

[Kamille]

 

Kam I have taken up extra activities over the last few months...but I work 3 days a week and school takes up 3 days every week. I invested into a retail business with a friend but if I ever time for it, it has to be that only day a week that I normally don't have obligations. Sometimes I do happy hour with a girl friend on Friday nights. I tire out easily, after a couple drinks I'm ready for bed. Saturday is my only "free" day and it's the only day I feel it's ok to lay around and do nothing for a while. The rest of my week is work, study, school, and if I tried to do anything extra, I'd probably go outta my mind! I remember I almost called off the date with Bill because it was my only free day and I just wanted to chill...hey that ryhmed...

I used to work out often, but my shedule is too twisted to do it right now..Days I work at 5:30am and spend 8 hours running in cirlces, the last place I want to go is to the gym...the other days of the week are dedicated to resting my painful feet after running at work! I'm already getting nurse's feet...

 

I'm hoping maybe the lighter schedule in the summer will allow some gym time...I loved it when I was able to do it before...this is just a fkd up semester.

 

So based on my full life of work and more work, the only extra thing I want is a guy waiting for me to come home and relax with him! But to get to that point, you have date first, which takes yet more work, and more time, which the biological clock doesn't have a lot left of...my only logical answer would be to hold off dating until school is over, a whole year away and sacrifice that precious amount of time. Another year of affection-deprivation, sex deprivation, things that do wonders for my stress and my mood if I do have them. Nursing school is basically making the choice to be miserable, and that's no joke people!

 

You work on top of going to school!? Kudos to you. And you're right, I know what it feels like when you feel overwhelmed and you think how wonderful it would be to have someone there when you get home.

 

I still wish you wouldn't feel like your situation is desperate. But we've had this discussion kazillions of time before, so I will just bow out. For now.

[Mary3]

No offense' date=' but you probably slept with him too soon which is probably why he didn't want a relationship with you.[/quote']

 

I totally realize that could be ( and is ) the case here.

 

But we did talk and I told him I did not want a hit and run and was looking for a relationship.

 

The biggest problem was it had been awhile and my sex drive is very high.lol. Our attraction was off the charts ( having been on previous dud after dud date ) So against better odds we slept together rather quickly and I noticed I was getting late night booty calls which really turned me off and which I would not accept.

Thats when we talked and I stopped seeing him for 30 days , no calls , nothing , . He began the contact again , he knows I go out on dates with others and so does he. I, of course wish more than anything we had waited a little longer but if he was just looking for booty he got it but then the booty call pool closed rather quickly for him when I realized I did not want to be a late night ****.

So he initiated contact again last night . Its a strange stand still. I don't want to give it up and get used , he wants and wishes I would give it up easily. So its like an impass. But such a shame . We were great together

My one friend tonite told me to just go ahead and have plenty of sex with him , lol. Well I have to disintergrate all the feelings ( most are gone now ) if I want a emotionless meaningless sex romp with him.

The other half of me ( the stronger side ) keeps me from sleeping with him.

[LoveLace]

You work on top of going to school!? Kudos to you. And you're right, I know what it feels like when you feel overwhelmed and you think how wonderful it would be to have someone there when you get home.

 

I still wish you wouldn't feel like your situation is desperate. But we've had this discussion kazillions of time before, so I will just bow out. For now.

 

 

Some days are better than others in feeling desperate. Some days, like today, that feeling is pretty much absent, but it'll come back and hit me anytime...that time of month, oh my gosh I've been crying my way through PMS for the last couple of months...today I"m ok though and I just got invited to a big shin-dig for a friend's birthday this weekend so it's something to look forward to and definitely something that should involve meeting some new people. However, I haven't sex in months now, which would be the ultimate, and only true release...but can't bring myself to nail just anyone.

 

So Q kept calling me yesterday, wanting to meet up, and I gave him the speech that I just want to be "friends" and he happily agreed, but I'm hoping he figures out that it was my code for "I dont want to meet you!"...then he kept texting me last night, even though he knows I don't have texting ability! Just trying to get to call him I think. And he hasn't called today...I was trying to let the guy down easy because I don't want to pss off a criminal!