What would you do? He's a criminal!

[TheFonz]

Anyway, I don't have the time or energy to put any more effort into playing detective. I suddenly don't feel I want to meet him right now. But I'm not against talking on the phone again. He doesn't seem in that big a hurry anyway, he exudes this sensitivity (like he gets hurt easily) but pushes for "moving slow" at the same time...well whatever, I don't think I'll end up letting it amount to anything but I don't think talking on the phone sometimes could hurt. I'll tell him I'm not ready to meet and see how he reacts because we talked about meeting this weekend. If he gets whiny about it, that'll be enough for me to hang it up. But if he agrees then that's not a bad thing.

 

This would be a very dumb idea.

[TheFonz]

LL, any guy who's more concerned about time and cost to see someone within minimal driving distance, is a 40 foot red flag. See the red flag, LL?

 

"Hi, you don't matter enough for me to want to make the effort, take the time and waste the gas money for."

 

Btw, I used to commute longer lengths of time, daily...

 

 

Yeah so you should drive to the guy then.

[TheFonz]

HELLO I just said I don't even want to meet him! He's way down the bottom of my priority list. So chill!

 

 

I don't believe you, but I'll pretend like you mean it .

[Trialbyfire]

Yeah so you should drive to the guy then.

 

I don't believe you, but I'll pretend like you mean it .

Will wonders never cease? Do we actually agree on something?

[LoveLace]

Well he texted me twice but I don't have the ability to text back, so I just IM'd him that I have to much to do and I can't talk tonight...which is true but I also just don't feel like talking to him...

[Kamille]

Well he texted me twice but I don't have the ability to text back, so I just IM'd him that I have to much to do and I can't talk tonight...which is true but I also just don't feel like talking to him...

 

Ok, I'll admit I skidded through the whole thread - and perhaps you say it elsewhere, but let me guess, you have been talking on the phone, or texting or IMing with this guy on a very regular basis in the last few days - if not dayly?

 

Did you make yourself available to dayly chats with a guy you just met online?

 

Pace is the secret to not falling too fast LL. Keeping yourself busy with other things is the secret to not falling too fast. It gives you time to reflect and think about other things then the one guy.

 

This in turns helps you see the red flags.

 

Just try it with the next guy you find interesting. Up your activities if you have to, but pace yourself. You'll see. It works wonders.

[Star Gazer]

Ok, I'll admit I skidded through the whole thread - and perhaps you say it elsewhere, but let me guess, you have been talking on the phone, or texting or IMing with this guy on a very regular basis in the last few days - if not dayly?

 

Did you make yourself available to dayly chats with a guy you just met online?

 

Yes. Remember, she started an entire thread asking about whether calling him too much before even meeting was a good idea. She asked the question, she was told to slow down, but as usual she argued her way into doing what she wanted anyway.

[Kamille]

Yes. Remember, she started an entire thread asking about whether calling him too much before even meeting was a good idea. She asked the question, she was told to slow down, but as usual she argued her way into doing what she wanted anyway.

 

Riiiiight.

 

LL, please please please read and reread this:

 

Pace is the secret to not falling too fast. Keeping yourself busy with other things is the secret to not falling too fast. It gives you time to reflect and think about other things then the one guy.

[Trialbyfire]

LL, it's one thing to play for funsies, but not such a good idea to play for keeps, with a guy like this. Enjoy the game but don't get involved. We're not talking about a challenging man, we're talking about someone who isn't the right guy for what you're looking for.

[Kamille]

I want to add that pace also helps you keep things in perspective.

 

And these are going to make me sound like a player, but it has proven to be true in my life:

 

Pace is a really good way to create attraction in so many ways:

 

Being a busy gal makes a guy feel like you time is precious. Therefore, by accepting to spend time with him, you are saying he is special.

 

It also sends the message that you won't fall for the first guy that comes your way, and thus makes a guy feel like he has to pursue you.

 

Seriously LL, just try it. You'll see. The trick, of course, is to be busy with other things. Which you already are so I really don't understand why you made yourself that available for this guy.

[LoveLace]

Yes. Remember, she started an entire thread asking about whether calling him too much before even meeting was a good idea. She asked the question, she was told to slow down, but as usual she argued her way into doing what she wanted anyway.

 

At that point, we had only called each other once. Then we spent another couple hours IM ing another night. Last night he called ME and we talked briefly because I was going to bed. I didn't argue my way into jack sh*t, that's all that's happened over the last few days, so I wouldn't say there's much to "slow down" on....he blew my phone up 3 times last night. Trust me he's got me beat.

 

I dont' need to be told to keep busy..I don't have a CHOICE but to keep busy, I'm a nursing student with a huge exam tomorrow (which I'm getting a B in the class, thank you very much, a VERY hard class,because I DO spend a LOT of time busting my ass for this career and believe it or not more than I spend worrying about any guy - otherwise I"d be failing). That's why I'm refusing to call him tonight (he's still texting me but I'm ignoring) because my first concern is my exam tomorrow...which is also why I'm shutting this down for the night! I have sooo much to do...

[Kamille]

Good I'm glad you keep busy and that I was wrong about the contact thing.

[LoveLace]

Well that was 4 hours I"ll never back! Actually it was more like 3...but I also have until 1 tomorrow. I am tired...he called and left a message, but I am just too beat to talk...to anyone...Bill actually called the other day but I haven't called him back, cuz I'm not sure that I want to. I'm starting to want a few days or a couple weeks without planning any dates. I wish I could organize a "girls night out" for this weekend, but my only single girlfriend is this really hyper, hippie chick, that most can only take in small doses. I'll fly by the seat of my pants like I do every weekend, and end up somewhere with a circle of friends...I'm having lunch with dad so that's ok. But I have a tendency to hate weekends, my only time off..during the week, I do a lot of important things, but on weekends I try to rest and play equally, either way I'm not doing anything important, socially. I have a lot of friends and like them all, but rarely feel socially fulfilled anymore. School and work has forced me to miss a lot of gatherings with the friends I used to see all the time. Me and my best friend go a month or more without seeing each other.

 

It would be nice to have something to look forward to on a regular basis again. I have yet to find someone I want to work that hard for, since Dan, which was not regular...but for me, it kind of was. I just spent over $100 on baseball tickets, just to have something planned that I rarely do. I dont even know who can go with me yet, but it's 3 weeks away. I want to take someone fun and someone with money to pitch in for parking, food and beer. Sounds easy enough, but not for my friends...they're either busy with kids or they don't have money! These are the times it sucks not to have a boyfriend, yet it seems like getting one is way more work than I have left in me! I'm exhausted and depressed often. I've been having insomnia a lot lately...Over the last few days, I've avoided eating a lot, and meals have been small...I can tell I've dropped a few...no complaints about that though. I'm finding it hard to feel happy about any aspect of my life right now. A lot of work and unsatisfying play..I'm hoping that summer time will present some fun opportunities, although I'm in school then, too. I have a year of school left, I just hope it's not this way for that long.

[dropdeadlegs]

I know you have decided not to meet him, but after 138 posts, I still have to respond in a general (specific) kind of way.

 

A criminal record needs to be taken seriously, especially if that record is felonious. Sure, people can change, yet the past is more often a predicator of the future. The anger management requirement was a huge red flag for me. I have not been in a relationship that involved violence or overt anger, but a need for judicial requirement of management classes would bother me seriously. I have no experience, but assume that comes from acts of violence in one way or another.

 

You are not "desperate" Lovelace, you have too much going for you to be desperate, yet you come across as lonely. I've been lonely, myself, and have accepted men who were "below" me and had little (if anything) to offer me. The late 20's to early 30's are a rough time. Many are married, many are divorced (with questionable backgrounds and marriages) and those who are perpetually single must be single for a reason, right?

 

It's tough to pick and choose. I would advise never selling yourself short (as I did) and advise being picky. It is worth being single for 7 years (while continuing the search for Mr. Right) versus being in a problematic marriage for those same years. being married is a waste of the 7 years, but searching is gaining ground.

 

Don't base your Mom's acceptance of that family friend as anything to base your dating future on.

 

Too possessive? Gone. Too into drugs or alcohol? Gone. Too much of a player? Gone. Too cheap? Gone.

 

The guy you mentioned in the OP could be telling the whole truth or he could be telling a total lie. The car? Well if he works on a lot he could take a pic with any car. Even I could take a pic with any car.

 

The whole gas money being too much. I understand that gas is high and do all I can to conserve on my usage, but a comment like that is strange. What I don't understand is bringing that up prior to the dating stage.

 

I know many nice guys that live with parents or a roommate, but unless that parent was infirmed and needed a live-in, I would be wary. I'm all for helping out elderly parents, but not at all about taking advantage of them. I think roommates are more a guy thing than a girl thing.

 

At any rate, be careful. I worry that you put yourself at too much risk (ala me in me past) and just want you to make better decisions.

 

As always, best wishes.

Edited April 4, 2008 by dropdeadlegs

[Mary3]

That's one man isn't it? But lets carry on with the stereotypes. Laughable, if she fears for her safety, she should not see him, end of discussion. It seems to me she'll always find a fault in men somewhere. She is a perfectionist in what she looks for, even though she is no Picasso painting herself.

 

She rejected another guy because he was too wimpy, now she's rejecting a guy who's been to prison, he's a badboy who got his ass spanked and has a rep, he's a lot more lively than Bill and is much more masculine no doubt, and still you're not happy.

 

I think you need the nunnery.

 

You really have some issues with women don't you ? I would never date someone like you , ever , never , EVER !

[LoveLace]

Well DDL, I must have been picky at some point because I've been single over a decade! Nothing but B.S. things since then. I do get picky at times, with this guy I was just willing to learn more about the sitch, for a minute anyway, that curiosity faded fast.

 

Thing is though, guys are picky, too. If they are looking for "the one" like I do, they are also picky and I just dont' seem to have what it takes to make any guy want to keep me around, despite who he is as a person, I've had it all: nice guys, mean guys, shy guys, players, lovers, who or whatever they are, none of them want me very much. Good catches don't want me. It seems I only have the ability to keep someone happy for a very brief amount of time. I am average looking, I'm nothing that guys go crazy over, I dress up and wear make-up and all that stuff and guys might stare for a minute for he's either very unattractive or it's clear that he decides the next girl is prettier. Average is better than repulsive, but it's not good enough for a good guy who is being picky.

[Mary3]

I know you have decided not to meet him, but after 138 posts, I still have to respond in a general (specific) kind of way.

 

A criminal record needs to be taken seriously, especially if that record is felonious. Sure, people can change, yet the past is more often a predicator of the future. The anger management requirement was a huge red flag for me. I have not been in a relationship that involved violence or overt anger, but a need for judicial requirement of management classes would bother me seriously. I have no experience, but assume that comes from acts of violence in one way or another.

 

You are not "desperate" Lovelace, you have too much going for you to be desperate, yet you come across as lonely. I've been lonely, myself, and have accepted men who were "below" me and had little (if anything) to offer me. The late 20's to early 30's are a rough time. Many are married, many are divorced (with questionable backgrounds and marriages) and those who are perpetually single must be single for a reason, right?

 

It's tough to pick and choose. I would advise never selling yourself short (as I did) and advise being picky. It is worth being single for 7 years (while continuing the search for Mr. Right) versus being in a problematic marriage for those same years. being married is a waste of the 7 years, but searching is gaining ground.

 

Don't base your Mom's acceptance of that family friend as anything to base your dating future on.

 

Too possessive? Gone. Too into drugs or alcohol? Gone. Too much of a player? Gone. Too cheap? Gone.

 

The guy you mentioned in the OP could be telling the whole truth or he could be telling a total lie. The car? Well if he works on a lot he could take a pic with any car. Even I could take a pic with any car.

 

The whole gas money being too much. I understand that gas is high and do all I can to conserve on my usage, but a comment like that is strange. What I don't understand is bringing that up prior to the dating stage.

 

I know many nice guys that live with parents or a roommate, but unless that parent was infirmed and needed a live-in, I would be wary. I'm all for helping out elderly parents, but not at all about taking advantage of them. I think roommates are more a guy thing than a girl thing.

 

At any rate, be careful. I worry that you put yourself at too much risk (ala me in me past) and just want you to make better decisions.

 

As always, best wishes.

 

This is everything I wanted to say . And this : The red flags I see are ( ) Anger Managment . Why ? To have a judge say this , then this man has done something that got out of control. A quick temper . VERY BIG red flag !

 

The Gas Money Thing. I have to ask does he really work as the top manager of a dealership. They make good money. They likely might have a loaner dealer car and even if not, gas would not pose a problem for the Manager of a Dealership unless he has 7 kids and child support. Does he live alone ?

 

The guy is on the internet for some reason. Maybe he is handsome but maybe he beat the crap out of some girl ?

 

He was arrested for what he * got caught * for, what about the things they didn't catch ???? What did he do as a teen ?

[dropdeadlegs]

It's cliche' and hard to hear, but "looking" for "the one" makes us try to envision every partner as such. It's when we stop doing that, and just date and have fun, that "the one" walks through the door and sweeps us off our feet. It's when we stop seeing every man (woman) as partnership material that the impossible seems to happen. I know it's hard to believe, I didn't believe it myself, but quite often the one you are looking for is right in front of you, but you didn't have the right timing, or didn't give him a chance.

 

Go out with the seemingly unattractive guy, the bald guy, the short guy. If they can at least hold your attention for a conversation, that is.

 

I think I'm average looking, too, but others rate me higher due to my lack of self esteem. Dating nice and interesting guys made me feel more on the level. I think I'm nice and interesting! All those "bad boys" just made me miserable. They can't commit and seem to be more into themselves. Or they have issues I can't deal with. I mean, I have my own issues to deal with!

 

You're gonna find the right man, LL. Don't rush it and stop looking and I swear he will fall into your arms. When you least suspect it. Like when you have given up all hope. THAT'S when IT happens. Really...

[Cov]

You really have some issues with women don't you ? I would never date someone like you , ever , never , EVER !

 

I have no problem with women and it was merely a case of shooting my mouth off before thinking, therefore I would like to apologise to Lovelace for my ridiculous posts.

 

If you want to know what gets my goat is that a person was judged and stereotyped without being given a fair hearing, and I thought Lovelace should have confronted this man over the telephone before going on the Internet. That way she would have given him a chance to open up, then she should have checked.

 

If she finds out anything she doesn't like and finds out his past is too much for her to handle, then she should walk away, her safety does indeed come before this man's feelings.

 

P.S - Why would I care who you date?

[TheFonz]

LL, you can do better. I think all that people are telling you is don't get hung up on the wrong guy. This guy just doesn't seem like he's mentally stable or honest based on what you've revealed. But what you are doing is making him pursue you harder. I don't know maybe that's what you want.

[Mary3]

I have no problem with women and it was merely a case of shooting my mouth off before thinking, therefore I would like to apologise to Lovelace for my ridiculous posts.

 

If you want to know what gets my goat is that a person was judged and stereotyped without being given a fair hearing, and I thought Lovelace should have confronted this man over the telephone before going on the Internet. That way she would have given him a chance to open up, then she should have checked.

 

If she finds out anything she doesn't like and finds out his past is too much for her to handle, then she should walk away, her safety does indeed come before this man's feelings.

 

P.S - Why would I care who you date?

 

So if I were to go to some of your older posts there would be nothing like this stuff you put on LL post ?

I was thinking that for some of the Mysogynists they should start a Female Bashing site of their own off of LS.

Not to say you might be one as I haven't looked at your previous posts.

 

Its good to know you were just ranting though and think women are wonderful

 

As far as who I date I would emphatically say the posts you put on here on this particular thread would make me run from someone like you....just saying...

 

I wish LL the best and know she will make the right choices.

 

If I were in her shoes and a guy who came out of prison and lightly remarked about it and did some strange things like not want to drive and use his gas to meet me , and who had a documented anger management issue , then well yeah maybe I would check into him for $ 29.95.

[Cov]

So if I were to go to some of your older posts there would be nothing like this stuff you put on LL post ?

I was thinking that for some of the Mysogynists they should start a Female Bashing site of their own off of LS.

Not to say you might be one as I haven't looked at your previous posts.

 

Its good to know you were just ranting though and think women are wonderful

 

As far as who I date I would emphatically say the posts you put on here on this particular thread would make me run from someone like you....just saying...

 

I wish LL the best and know she will make the right choices.

 

If I were in her shoes and a guy who came out of prison and lightly remarked about it and did some strange things like not want to drive and use his gas to meet me , and who had a documented anger management issue , then well yeah maybe I would check into him for $ 29.95.

 

I doubt you'll find anything, but feel free to look if you are that interested. To me it's not a case of female bashing, I was acting immaturely in this thread, and that's all.

 

Some women are wonderful and some aren't, just like men and just like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Your opinion is your opinion and you have a right to voice it and I doubt any woman would be attracted to someone who spoke of women like I have in this topic, not that I'd blame them mind.

 

Now lets get this topic back on track, as I haven't read the remaining few pages, has Lovelace got in contact with this man again or has she let him slide?

[Mary3]

Well DDL, I must have been picky at some point because I've been single over a decade! Nothing but B.S. things since then. I do get picky at times, with this guy I was just willing to learn more about the sitch, for a minute anyway, that curiosity faded fast.

 

Thing is though, guys are picky, too. If they are looking for "the one" like I do, they are also picky and I just dont' seem to have what it takes to make any guy want to keep me around, despite who he is as a person, I've had it all: nice guys, mean guys, shy guys, players, lovers, who or whatever they are, none of them want me very much. Good catches don't want me. It seems I only have the ability to keep someone happy for a very brief amount of time. I am average looking, I'm nothing that guys go crazy over, I dress up and wear make-up and all that stuff and guys might stare for a minute for he's either very unattractive or it's clear that he decides the next girl is prettier. Average is better than repulsive, but it's not good enough for a good guy who is being picky.

 

On the one hand I am very picky too. I used to not be very picky at all except for the attraction to strong looking males . I tried the older ones and in almost ALL cases bored out of my mind.....I like younger...I have went out with everything you can think of until I FINALLY realized I needed to come back to * ME * and take care of myself and not date like crazy.

 

There is something you should know LL. A very handsome attractive successful male is rare. Because he is rare he has a huge circle of females pacing around him . He can pick and dump . Pick and dump. Because there is 200 more women waiting ....Thats why you see those guys so selective . But when you say you haven't found any Good Catches , then its time to back off dating awhile. You ARE a GOOD CATCH ! So am I . Because we are picky and won't pick * fill in adjective * then we have a longer wait.

 

I have allllllllllllllllllllllll the patience in the world . And I want you to train yourself to be patient too. Think of all the dud dates and how you got out of there and back to your own home

[Kamille]

It's cliche' and hard to hear, but "looking" for "the one" makes us try to envision every partner as such. It's when we stop doing that, and just date and have fun, that "the one" walks through the door and sweeps us off our feet. It's when we stop seeing every man (woman) as partnership material that the impossible seems to happen. I know it's hard to believe, I didn't believe it myself, but quite often the one you are looking for is right in front of you, but you didn't have the right timing, or didn't give him a chance.

 

 

Hear hear!

 

Very good post as always DDL!

 

LL, I get the impression that you are letting being a single gal affect your self-esteem. I know there's a lot of pressure for men and women to be in relationships in their 30s, but please don't let it get to you.

 

What are you doing outside of nursing shcool to improve yourself? Do you exercise? Do you have hobbies? Do you volunteer?

 

Work on being the most interesting person you can be (through actions), work on being someone you would otherwise admire, work on improving your self-esteem and if someone comes into your life, then good for them.

 

The equation doesn't go: I feel lonely, have low self-esteem, then meet someone and then we live happily ever after. The equation goes: I feel lonely, I work on feeling less lonely by investing myself in things I find interesting, my self-esteem improves, I no longer have time to feel lonely, I meet someone who adds to my life and with whom I can picture establishing the kind of relationship that's strong enough to raise children into.

 

And you don't need people to not feel lonely. You only need activities.

[beta]

unless you find somehow to let go, you'll keep getting hurt!