LoveLace Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 I've gotten to know Q better over the last couple of days. I didn't expect this, but we talked a long, long time on the phone. And I know that some say not to "invest" much before you meet...(you know who you are!)...but get a load of this! We talked and he mentioned web cam. I don't have one, but he does so I got to watch him while talked. First time for me! We were goofing off and it was almost like he was right there in front of me! Says his past relationships have moved fast and he's been dating women with kids, who do not want more kids. He wants kids so bad, but not in a huge hurry. Anyway he likes it that I want kids. He's only 29 but seems to think he's racing a biological clock...he was very good eye candy and I was all smiles. He was making me laugh a whole lot! At one point, he mentioned "since I got home...." but I over-looked it. He's a sales manager for cars. Entertaining personality, he does almost any voice impression you ask him to; he says that he wants to have that "ga-ga" feeling for someone...hhmm, lonely? He also can play a few insturments...I was diggin that! The "came home" thing popped again on the phone. I finally asked, and got the "thought I told you" thing...He did time as a teenager until his early 20's, because they were "stupid kids" and tried to rob a gas station or something..they expected a lesser punishment than what they got...he's been home a few years but really seems to have his stuff together..and really seems to know what he wants in life...he has dreams and goals. Family is a huge one. He mentioned once that he doesn't want to like me too much because he lives on the other side of the city, and the gas $...that was before last night. We talked about a date on Saturday night to eat somewhere cool and go somewhere else fun (like not a bar or his place). Then he said it would suck if we meet and I don't like him...I'd really like to meet him. Does he deserve a chance? Did go in as a "kid", and come out a real man? Does he sound possessive?
underpants Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Find out what county he was charged in and look up the case. Then look him up in the public criminal record index to see if he is being completely honest with you. Do this before you meet him ...please.
dreamergrl Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 I'm a firm believer that people can change. Honestly - I think if he was still doing anything illegal he wouldn't have told you about his history. How old is he? Most states offer circuit court case access online - look him up and see for yourself. You can find out at least if he's being legit with you about why he was in and for how long. You'll be able to see if he's had any more charges since then. I can't imagine it's easy for someone to come out and say that either. If you choose to go, meet in a public place and stay in a public place. Take different cars if you go somewhere else. Just be safe - and feel him out.
Author LoveLace Posted April 2, 2008 Author Posted April 2, 2008 Is it that easy to look up cases? I'm willing to try it!
dreamergrl Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Yeah just google your state with court case access - accept the terms. You only need his last name, first name - sometimes they lists the birthdays and such - so just make sure you're looking at the correct guy if he has a common name.
tanbark813 Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 If he was booked when he was a teenager I don't think you'll be able to look it up. I'm pretty sure only adult convictions are public record.
Crestfallen_KH Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 I would want to know the details. "Tried to rob a gas station" leaves out a lot of details. The fact that the sentence was pretty long indicates to me one of two things: that a weapon (probably a gun) was used. Anything violent like that would be a deal breaker to me. Secondly, since the sentence was lengthy, it's unlikely the courts would do that for a first-time offense. I'd seriously question if that was his first offense. Either way (and call me judgmental all you want) I wouldn't be comfortable with either scenario.
dreamergrl Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 If he was booked when he was a teenager I don't think you'll be able to look it up. I'm pretty sure only adult convictions are public record. Unless they get charged as adult.
Crestfallen_KH Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Also, shoplifting, vandalism, running away, etc. are "crazy things" many kids do. Robbing a gas station....not so much.
witabix Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 The man has commited a crime, been found guilty, sentenced and punished. He was not a sex offender. End of story. It is not societies role to continue to punish, nor is it ours.
dreamergrl Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Also, shoplifting, vandalism, running away, etc. are "crazy things" many kids do. Robbing a gas station....not so much. I would want to know the details. "Tried to rob a gas station" leaves out a lot of details. The fact that the sentence was pretty long indicates to me one of two things: that a weapon (probably a gun) was used. Anything violent like that would be a deal breaker to me. Secondly, since the sentence was lengthy, it's unlikely the courts would do that for a first-time offense. I'd seriously question if that was his first offense. Either way (and call me judgmental all you want) I wouldn't be comfortable with either scenario. I don't find it judgmental. Not everyone would be able to be comfortable with that situation. But I do think the events that follow are just as important. Also some judges and some areas are different. If it's an area where crime isn't as common - I think the judge would be more harsh. We have two cities here that are only a few hours apart, but the crime rate is completely different. What you would end up getting probation for in one, the other will give you jail time. There are many kids who end up in jail - but come out a better person as well.
blind_otter Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 I have had two very different experiences with men who had law problems as teens. One robbed a woman and forced her to go get money out of her ATM at gunpoint. He served nearly 7 years and was released when he was 24. He was never able to handle life outside of prison. He learned to be violent to others to protect himself and was exposed to some horrific stuff. Rape, riots, served time in solitary confinement on several occassions. Even the consensual sex in prison messed him up. He ended up eventually committing another crime and was sent back to prison for 5 years. I have a lifetime restraining order against him. The other was not sent to traditional prison. He also did not commit any intense crimes. He ran away from home, drank a lot, and did some vandalism. He was sent to an alternative "outward bound" type program where the troubled teens had to learn survival skills out in the wilderness for extended periods of time. He came out as a relative success. Stopped the petty crime, got stable, started a career and a family. He's been crime free for over 20 years. This is my current SO. I would learn more about what he did, exactly, and his current attitude. IME, though, men who have served extended periods of time in state prison are messed up in the head. Especially if they were exposed to that stuff at a young age.
roxy_1980 Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 I'd try to look up his record. He may be trying to spoon feed the truth a little at a time. Sometimes guys with records give you a little info, let you adjust to that bit. Then tell you a little more. Let you adjust. Etc. Before you know it, he has a wrap sheet as long as his arm, but it's too late cause you're so involved.
Author LoveLace Posted April 2, 2008 Author Posted April 2, 2008 I think he may have been charged as adult. There were more details than "tried to rob a gas station"...I asked him what the motive was...he said just cuz we were stupid. He must be doing something right to have a job like his, because I have a family member with similar but much worse background, and no way could he get get a job that good...cuz he couldn't keep his sh*t together. Q doesn't sound uneducated in the way he speaks, but I'm assuming he's got a 10th grade ed? So I found his name on something but I don't have $ on my card at the moment! I have to do that later..so I saved the page for easy access. His name did in fact pop up, but it doesn't mean anything yet. It listed all the possible crime-related info you can get for like $20. Now that's not a bad investment! (I know his b-day so that helped). He has yet to mention any friends or buddies...only women...
Elyssa Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 A lot of people make mistakes when they are young and end up getting themselves into a world of trouble. Given that he is not a sex offender (that would be a deal-breaker for me!), I would definitely give him a chance. He seems a nice guy from what you tell us, and he has been honest about it. I would try to look up information about the case, and then just tell him that you like him but that you'd like more details of what happened. He really seems like an open and honest guy and I doubt he'll get upset or react badly to it. Let us know how things go! -E
Author LoveLace Posted April 2, 2008 Author Posted April 2, 2008 I don't find it judgmental. Not everyone would be able to be comfortable with that situation. But I do think the events that follow are just as important. Also some judges and some areas are different. If it's an area where crime isn't as common - I think the judge would be more harsh. We have two cities here that are only a few hours apart, but the crime rate is completely different. What you would end up getting probation for in one, the other will give you jail time. There are many kids who end up in jail - but come out a better person as well. I can say this much: if it happened in the same county where he lives now, they have a rep for being extra stiff...for real...
Crestfallen_KH Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 The man has commited a crime, been found guilty, sentenced and punished. He was not a sex offender. End of story. It is not societies role to continue to punish, nor is it ours. I agree, which is why employers, housing agencies and governmental bodies shouldn't continue to discriminate after someone is released from jail. But if you've committed a violent crime in your past, yes, that would be a concern of mine, especially if I was looking to eventually marry and have children. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Certainly he could have turned over a new leaf, but it still behooves the OP to get the details of the crim so that she can make a more informed decision.
dreamergrl Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 I think he may have been charged as adult. There were more details than "tried to rob a gas station"...I asked him what the motive was...he said just cuz we were stupid. He must be doing something right to have a job like his, because I have a family member with similar but much worse background, and no way could he get get a job that good...cuz he couldn't keep his sh*t together. Q doesn't sound uneducated in the way he speaks, but I'm assuming he's got a 10th grade ed? So I found his name on something but I don't have $ on my card at the moment! I have to do that later..so I saved the page for easy access. His name did in fact pop up, but it doesn't mean anything yet. It listed all the possible crime-related info you can get for like $20. Now that's not a bad investment! (I know his b-day so that helped). He has yet to mention any friends or buddies...only women... Love don't pay for a site! just type in (state) circuit court access.
Author LoveLace Posted April 2, 2008 Author Posted April 2, 2008 A lot of people make mistakes when they are young and end up getting themselves into a world of trouble. Given that he is not a sex offender (that would be a deal-breaker for me!), I would definitely give him a chance. He seems a nice guy from what you tell us, and he has been honest about it. I would try to look up information about the case, and then just tell him that you like him but that you'd like more details of what happened. He really seems like an open and honest guy and I doubt he'll get upset or react badly to it. Let us know how things go! -E Should I come out and ask him if there's any other secrets? I'll ask him tonight I"m not scared!
Author LoveLace Posted April 2, 2008 Author Posted April 2, 2008 I did state circuit court cases, and so far they all want money once they look up the name. All they give me is his name.
dreamergrl Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Should I come out and ask him if there's any other secrets? I'll ask him tonight I"m not scared! Ask him and compare it with what you find online - See if it's consistent.
dreamergrl Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 I did state circuit court cases, and so far they all want money once they look up the name. All they give me is his name. What state are you in? I'll get you the page.
witabix Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 I agree, which is why employers, housing agencies and governmental bodies shouldn't continue to discriminate after someone is released from jail. But if you've committed a violent crime in your past, yes, that would be a concern of mine, especially if I was looking to eventually marry and have children. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Certainly he could have turned over a new leaf, but it still behooves the OP to get the details of the crim so that she can make a more informed decision. I understand your point totally Crest. I have been violent in the past. I would not wish people who know me now to know about that, I know they will judge me (My SO and close friends do know). I had a violent outburst a few weeks ago. The first for nearly twenty years, people who know me now were shocked out of sight. Some were there and saw the set of circumstances that led to it. No one judged me, they saw and accepted that the provocation was excessive. Past behaviour is relevant, but past circumsatnces are gone, and without context we cannot make an accurate assessment of the person.
Author LoveLace Posted April 2, 2008 Author Posted April 2, 2008 What state are you in? I'll get you the page. MO, usa....dreamergirl
dreamergrl Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 MO, usa....dreamergirl http://www.courts.mo.gov/casenet/base/welcome.do You don't need the middle name btw
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