DanielMadr Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 1st What are the symptoms for the observer-girl? 2nd What can you do about it when you behave like King Leonidas of Sparta?
Kamille Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 The first thing to do is realizing there is a problem. Do you feel your emotional unavailability is hindering you, Dan?
Author DanielMadr Posted April 2, 2008 Author Posted April 2, 2008 The first thing to do is realizing there is a problem. Do you feel your emotional unavailability is hindering you, Dan? Maybe I come across as not interested or a Playa. I mean Im probably quite a bit of rarity for girls. You know maybe it started when I was a kid. You open up, show emotions and you get back stabbed or simply it is used against you. So out of fear not to feel the knife again you put on an armour. But now Im not afraid to open up. I just dont feel the need for it - its not natural for me. So if I say "I love you" it would sound insencere, even it might be very true. I can speak about my weak spots but then I see girl trying to push the buttons to try if I was speaking truth....but I dont react - And she probably thinks I was trying to play her. I mean I have weak spots but not that weak I guess.
Lucky555 Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 you should express some emotion...like say "i miss you" use compliments make the person you are seeing feel validated by using these. Sadly the guy i was seeing is great but he too had armor and it was very frustrating hes not with me anymore its too much to deal with. So there are other ways to express yourself without having to say I love you, after a while of being with your partner i think you would feel safer and then say it.
carhill Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 But now Im not afraid to open up. I just dont feel the need for it - its not natural for me. So if I say "I love you" it would sound insencere, even it might be very true. Yeah, I said that for 20+ adult years. If that's truly your natural way, and it was mine, I can tell you when you're with the right person, it just flows out of you and you need some vise-grips on your lips to stop the torrent I'm now finding, with glee, that it is women who are emotionally unavailable. Cup check in progress Seriously, as someone who never uttered the words to anyone for a long, long time, it took a life-altering event (my mom getting Alzheimer's) to show me the true meaning of life and love.
mortensorchid Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 I have no idea what any of those things in the first post mean. Please explain in lay terms.
Author DanielMadr Posted April 3, 2008 Author Posted April 3, 2008 Maybe I come across as not interested or a Playa. I mean Im probably quite a bit of rarity for girls. You know maybe it started when I was a kid. You open up, show emotions and you get back stabbed or simply it is used against you. So out of fear not to feel the knife again you put on an armour. But now Im not afraid to open up. I just dont feel the need for it - its not natural for me. So if I say "I love you" it would sound insencere, even it might be very true. I can speak about my weak spots but then I see girl trying to push the buttons to try if I was speaking truth....but I dont react - And she probably thinks I was trying to play her. I mean I have weak spots but not that weak I guess. Get over yourself. The only reason you attract at least some women is you are hard as f*ck. Weeping on funerals is for other people. Stop whinning.
Author DanielMadr Posted April 3, 2008 Author Posted April 3, 2008 Get over yourself. The only reason you attract at least some women is you are hard as f*ck. Weeping on funerals is for other people. Stop whinning. ------------------------ Dad?
Author DanielMadr Posted April 3, 2008 Author Posted April 3, 2008 ------------------------ Dad? Nope. Its me the you-should-know-better You. If boys down in ghetto knew you clean your nose with extra soft tissues, you would get smoked down pretty soon.
Author DanielMadr Posted April 3, 2008 Author Posted April 3, 2008 Yeah, I said that for 20+ adult years. If that's truly your natural way, and it was mine, I can tell you when you're with the right person, it just flows out of you and you need some vise-grips on your lips to stop the torrent I'm now finding, with glee, that it is women who are emotionally unavailable. Cup check in progress Seriously, as someone who never uttered the words to anyone for a long, long time, it took a life-altering event (my mom getting Alzheimer's) to show me the true meaning of life and love. Thanks. You are probably right. I think those who say Im emotionaly unavailable are just emotional vampires, happy when they can make someone angry or sad or head over heels.
Author DanielMadr Posted April 3, 2008 Author Posted April 3, 2008 you should express some emotion...like say "i miss you" use compliments make the person you are seeing feel validated by using these. Sadly the guy i was seeing is great but he too had armor and it was very frustrating hes not with me anymore its too much to deal with. So there are other ways to express yourself without having to say I love you, after a while of being with your partner i think you would feel safer and then say it. I dont think Im cold. I touch pretty much. I just dont speak of what I feel. My "partners" start to bitch out about it sooner than Im able to feel something deep for them. I go for the wrong ones probably. But thats the thing....the shy or good/warm girls dont want to have anything to do with me - they look pretty scared when I talk to them.
Author DanielMadr Posted April 3, 2008 Author Posted April 3, 2008 I have no idea what any of those things in the first post mean. Please explain in lay terms. I was hoping someone tells me. Symptom of cold = you sneeze. Symptom of Em.Unavail. = you ??????????
Walk Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 Symptoms of unavailable: You tell him that you have 2 days to left to live, and he shrugs and wishes you a good life. You lose your job, your dog just died, the landlord evicted you from your apartment, and the only thing the guy asks is if you're still coming over tonight (implying sex). You've been dating the guy for 3 months and the most he's ever said about his feelings toward you is "the sex is good". ------------------------------------------ I've found that Carhill is right about responding differently to different people. Watching different people that have been in my life, I can see that they react complete different when with me versus a friend or family member. Sometimes they're more expressive with others, sometimes less. But I can relate to what you're saying Daniel. I've been told I keep my feelings really close to my chest, and most people can't figure it out unless I tell them outright. It helps when the person you're with is someone who is worthy of trust though.
Author DanielMadr Posted April 3, 2008 Author Posted April 3, 2008 Symptoms of unavailable: You tell him that you have 2 days to left to live, and he shrugs and wishes you a good life. You lose your job, your dog just died, the landlord evicted you from your apartment, and the only thing the guy asks is if you're still coming over tonight (implying sex). You've been dating the guy for 3 months and the most he's ever said about his feelings toward you is "the sex is good". ------------------------------------------ I've found that Carhill is right about responding differently to different people. Watching different people that have been in my life, I can see that they react complete different when with me versus a friend or family member. Sometimes they're more expressive with others, sometimes less. But I can relate to what you're saying Daniel. I've been told I keep my feelings really close to my chest, and most people can't figure it out unless I tell them outright. It helps when the person you're with is someone who is worthy of trust though. Hehe, good examples. A little extreme probably. Are you sure that we Emotional Unavailabels are not only reasuring ourselves here? Who cares, right? It is fine to be non-emo. You just dont care:cool:
Lovelybird Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 (edited) I can speak about my weak spots but then I see girl trying to push the buttons to try if I was speaking truth....but I dont react - And she probably thinks I was trying to play her. I mean I have weak spots but not that weak I guess. vulnerability is a way to intimacy. But sometimes due to other's insecurity, jealousy, fear...they may want to push your button, they may want to manipulate you to get what they want. If you avoid vulnerability, you avoid intimacy as well; if you open your heart, you may get hurt somewhere. either way is not easy. Only solution is that we don't rely all of our emotional needs on a human. this way we can be vulnerable AND strong because we get most of love and affirmation from God, even when we get hurt by the person whom we love, we still have enough strength to carry ourselves, and not resent the person that much, and able to continue to love them Suppose you expect the person who can give you all the love you need, but one day she failed, even failed more times, you will resent her BIG TIME, and choose to close your heart not open it any more. The more we rely on the person for our love need, the more we are going to fear; the more we are going to resent them if they fail, the more we are afraid to open our heart, the more we are afraid to give If you are afraid of opening your heart, that is a sign that you lack of love and you eagerly want it. want-love is not a form of weakness, each human is made that way. Human being should be filled with full of love. Edited April 3, 2008 by Lovelybird
Author DanielMadr Posted April 3, 2008 Author Posted April 3, 2008 vulnerability is a way to intimacy. But sometimes due to other's insecurity, jealousy, fear...they may want to push your button, they may want to manipulate you to get what they want. If you avoid vulnerability, you avoid intimacy as well; if you open your heart, you may get hurt somewhere. either way is not easy. Only solution is that we don't rely all of our emotional needs on a human. this way we can be vulnerable AND strong because we get most of love and affirmation from God, even when we get hurt by the person whom we love, we still have enough strength to carry ourselves, and not resent the person that much, and able to continue to love them Suppose you expect the person who can give you all the love you need, but one day she failed, even failed more times, you will resent her BIG TIME, and choose to close your heart not open it any more. The more we rely on the person for our love need, the more we are going to fear; the more we are going to resent them if they fail, the more we are afraid to open our heart, the more we are afraid to give If you are afraid of opening your heart, that is a sign that you lack of love and you eagerly want it. want-love is not a form of weakness, each human is made that way. Human being should be filled with full of love. If vulnerability is a way to intimacy then Im truly f*cked. I dont think - hope it is not the way love works. It may be how thinks work for vulnerable infant child but not for me. Unless you hack of my head with a machete you cant really hurt me. If people fail me, of course it hurts more when I adore them but on the other hand if they fail me I no longer adore them. And I dont pitty myself that much so to be wounded by it seriously. I shrug and walk on.
Author DanielMadr Posted April 3, 2008 Author Posted April 3, 2008 Only solution is that we don't rely all of our emotional needs on a human. this way we can be vulnerable AND strong because we get most of love and affirmation from God, even when we get hurt by the person whom we love, we still have enough strength to carry ourselves, and not resent the person that much, and able to continue to love them I dont bother God with my hurt feelings, he has more important things to do, I guess. I have found that it is really evil thing to just shrug, forgive and walk away with a smile. Most people feel hurt they couldnt spark at least anger in you after they tried so hard to hurt you. You make many people pissed off pretty bad by that. And they try even harder next time on another poor chap. I think it has something to do with immaturity - kids do that...they poke you in the eye so they can feel powerful. My little sister loves to slap me. I call it Affirmation of the Tribe.Her logic probably is: If I wouldnt love her I would choke her a bit and throw her away to wolves to deal with her. So if I dont do that, she has her affirmation. I probably encourage bad behaviour patterns in her. But she is so small and vulnerable:o
Lovelybird Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 I go for the wrong ones probably. But thats the thing....the shy or good/warm girls dont want to have anything to do with me - they look pretty scared when I talk to them. . probably you have some wrong conceptions about yourself. a great book says "a man will become what he thinks of himself". do you feel you are accepted? do you tell yourself that "warm and good girls like me"? I found out that before I even talk to someone, what I predict it beforehand will decide my interaction with them is successful or not I don't know if you know King David in Bible or not, he was a men quite able to express his feelings, but same time a great powerful king, no men dare to say he is less of a man, many women loved him, he is very charming. I guess he is mixed of masculine and feminine, both strong and weak
Lovelybird Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 I dont bother God with my hurt feelings, he has more important things to do, I guess In fact, God would love you to bother him with everything, not mention the important thing--your emotion and love life. He loves us like that. he even can pick one most suit for you . I have found that it is really evil thing to just shrug, forgive and walk away with a smile. Most people feel hurt they couldnt spark at least anger in you after they tried so hard to hurt you. You make many people pissed off pretty bad by that. And they try even harder next time on another poor chap. I think it has something to do with immaturity - kids do that...they poke you in the eye so they can feel powerful. very interesting observation here. I would think about this but if a partner does things to anger me, then I have to set some pretty good boundaries, not good just smile and walk away
Author DanielMadr Posted April 3, 2008 Author Posted April 3, 2008 probably you have some wrong conceptions about yourself. a great book says "a man will become what he thinks of himself". do you feel you are accepted? do you tell yourself that "warm and good girls like me"? I found out that before I even talk to someone, what I predict it beforehand will decide my interaction with them is successful or not I don't know if you know King David in Bible or not, he was a men quite able to express his feelings, but same time a great powerful king, no men dare to say he is less of a man, many women loved him, he is very charming. I guess he is mixed of masculine and feminine, both strong and weak Yeah Ive heard about this mumbo jumbo voodoo thing. And believe me I dont go for them thinking "Oh they will fear me because Im so evil inside". Im really cool. So much more disapoitning when they look at you with "Eeeew another one" look. King David is not my icon. Many women love bad boys like him. It doesnt mean I start to send to death my brothers to get their wives and then weep about how bad I am. I can control myself more not to do such a bad things in a first place. I dont think he was a good role-model/ example. I dare to say he is less of a man. I like Solomon more. I have deep respect for hebrews....not every nation writes a book so sincere about so many f*ck ups for future generations to learn.
Lovelybird Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 Yeah Ive heard about this mumbo jumbo voodoo thing. And believe me I dont go for them thinking "Oh they will fear me because Im so evil inside". Im really cool. So much more disapoitning when they look at you with "Eeeew another one" look. King David is not my icon. Many women love bad boys like him. It doesnt mean I start to send to death my brothers to get their wives and then weep about how bad I am. I can control myself more not to do such a bad things in a first place. I dont think he was a good role-model/ example. I dare to say he is less of a man. I like Solomon more. I have deep respect for hebrews....not every nation writes a book so sincere about so many f*ck ups for future generations to learn. maybe David is a bad example here; but my point still stand: a charming man is mix of strong and vulnerable
Author DanielMadr Posted April 3, 2008 Author Posted April 3, 2008 In fact, God would love you to bother him with everything, not mention the important thing--your emotion and love life. He loves us like that. he even can pick one most suit for you very interesting observation here. I would think about this but if a partner does things to anger me, then I have to set some pretty good boundaries, not good just smile and walk away I let him deal with abandoned children, they need him more than my wishes to win in lottery. As long as I dont start shooting people in supermarket I dont think I need his helping hand. Besides I might confuse His voice with the voice of my desperate subconsciousness.
Author DanielMadr Posted April 3, 2008 Author Posted April 3, 2008 maybe David is a bad example here; but my point still stand: a charming man is mix of strong and vulnerable If so, then Im truly f*cked. Im 30. I stopped being vulnerable around 10. By the age of 16 I perfected it. And last time someone attemted to smack me down and almost succeed was some 4 years ago. I cant change now. I once pretended to be wounded animal (I tried to shoo the girl away)....and she loved it. But then again, she liked it because she saw a chance how to catch me easily. Wounded animals are easier to catch and domesticate. But it doesnt mean I start to play the wounded animal. It would made me real Player.
Lovelybird Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 I let him deal with abandoned children, they need him more than my wishes to win in lottery. As long as I dont start shooting people in supermarket I dont think I need his helping hand. Besides I might confuse His voice with the voice of my desperate subconsciousness. He has plan for everyone. so your strategy is "walk away" when they fail you? anyway I cannot expect anyone in this earth won't hurt me, that just impossible, they aren't perfect, they may don't even know that they hurt my feelings
Author DanielMadr Posted April 3, 2008 Author Posted April 3, 2008 He has plan for everyone. so your strategy is "walk away" when they fail you? anyway I cannot expect anyone in this earth won't hurt me, that just impossible, they aren't perfect, they may don't even know that they hurt my feelings Thats the thing, they dont really hurt me. I just see their continous trying for getting some negative emotions out of me as setback. Why should I wait for them to succeed? I dont like people who try to throw me of balance. I can either smack them or walk away. So I walk. I dont think there are no girls who can take me as I am. I just havent found them or they hit the road sooner than they could find out about me.
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